I was taking a Peloton class the other day, and I noticed something. I am a person who likes to send out “high fives” to everyone surrounding me on the leaderboard, particularly people who have the same group hashtags as I do. My people! I will think, happily, if I see someone from the #yestoyoucrew or #PelotonCanada. I was cheerfully moving my way up when I saw the hashtag #therapyfortherapists.
It reminded me of the time I saw #therapistsofpeloton and all I could think of was this:
What I’m saying is that I’m glad the rapists are getting therapy through exercise.
I love Peloton for many reasons, and one of them is that I love the idea that there are other people out there, doing the same exact workout as me at the same exact time. It gives me that wonderful feeling of we are all in this life together, doing the same things, but differently that I absolutely love. Here we all are, going about our lives, separately, but somehow interconnected.
When I was in university, I took a couple of classes from a professor who had the worst body odour you can imagine. This wasn’t simply a matter of oops, forgot my deodorant before I hit the gym. This was on another level altogether. It had to have been a medical issue; it was a Seinfeld-level entity. You didn’t dare sit in the first three rows in his classroom, or, if you did, you’d never make that mistake again. Even in the very back, at best you’d leave the classroom surreptitiously sniffing your clothes to ensure that the smell didn’t cling, at worst, you’d finish class with a nauseous headache.
It occurred to me one day, as I took notes on microeconomic systems, that this professor was married. I looked with wonder at the fluorescent overhead light glinting on his wedding ring, and I marvelled at the idea. There is a lid for every pot, I thought with awe. It hit me, maybe for the first time ever, that day back in 1995, that we all have sides of us that other people don’t see. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, as I scribbled down the required equations. Maybe his wife had no sense of smell, I thought, or maybe she liked his smell, maybe she felt it was a sexy, manly musk. Maybe she just loved him so much that his smell didn’t matter, and this realization – that maybe this professor had a whole different personality and set of interests that no one else knew about – made me feel a bit dizzy. Or maybe it was the body odour, wafting its way to my desk.
It started a bit of a fascination for me; not with that professor in particular, but with people in general. Professors for sure were interesting to think about. If you have ever been in an economics department, you will know what I mean. How interesting it is to think that at some point, these men – they were almost exclusively men back then, in the 90s – fell in love and, presumably, proposed to the women that they were married to. At some point, that professor who was dully talking about the utility curve had passionately declared his love and, most likely, had sexual relations. THEY INTERCOURSED. Most likely, anyway.
Later, when I was working in a very male-dominated department, the same thing would occur to me, not the intercoursing, but the romantic relations. I would be sitting in a meeting or working on a pricing model or listening to someone talk about synergies or optionality or circling back, and suddenly the idea that the speaker in question had presumably gone to a jeweler and chosen an engagement ring and given it to a woman, a woman who I had met at the office holiday party, with words of love and romance, popped into my head. Once, when speaking about a case of mergers and acquisitions, a former boss used the term opening the kimono. I’m sure that phrase is now out of use, but at the time I thought what if he HAD a kimono, an actual kimono, and he opened it for his wife.
The point of all this is that people are complicated, and interesting, and can be more than one thing at the same time. Every single person is so much more than they present to the world, which is something I try to remember every day. That person is beloved to somebody, I’ll think when I have a less-than-rosy interaction, sometimes with my teeth gritted.
A few months ago I was driving home and was followed very closely by a very large truck. I was driving with the flow of traffic, just barely over the speed limit, and I was being tailgated in an alarming way. All I could see in my rearview mirror was this giant truck grill. I stopped at a red light and just as it turned green, the driver in question wildly passed me on the right, which wasn’t a lane at all but a shoulder, cut me off, and then slammed on the brakes. He then proceeded to drive at least thirty kilometres below the speed limit.
What you have to understand is my reaction. His slow driving did not even register to me until I realized that there was no one in front of him to cause it. It took me a few minutes of this to realize that he was “getting me back.” Buddy. You’ve got the wrong girl. I wasn’t bothered at all by this, in fact, I was amused. I didn’t mind in the least. What, am I going to be two minutes late to get home? Am I going to be late to unload these groceries? I calmly, smilingly continued to follow him at this slow speed, listening to my Forever 35 podcast, when he tired of this ruse, and screeched his tires as he sped through the upcoming traffic circle. I imagined him going home, and complaining to someone about the middle aged bitch who slowed him down. I hope he had someone to complain to.
Weekly Reading
It was re-read week at the Boyhouse! I re-visited some old favourites. I’d like to please remind my friends that, when it comes to Alice Munro, I am only interested in discussing her craft and writing. Thank you for supporting my mental and emotional health.
Diary of a Provincial Lady. When I mentioned this book last week, I had an absolute craving to re-read it. This is one of my all-time favourites and no, nothing happens. I have read it so much that it is literally falling apart, and I have to carefully keep the pages in order. It is just so witty and clever. It contains one of my favourite paragraphs ever written: “Move about after dinner, and meet acquaintance whose name I have forgotten, but connect with literature. I ask if he has published anything lately. He says that his work is not, and never can be, for publication. Thought passes through my mind to the effect that this attitude might with advantage be adopted by many others.” HA. Also, I love this: “Overhear one lady in stalls ask another: Why don’t you write a play, dear? Well, says the friend, it’s so difficult, what with one thing and another, to find time. Am staggered. (Query: Could I write a play myself? Could we all write plays, if only we had the time?)”
Amy and Isabelle. No one can write like Elizabeth Strout; her prose is so beautiful and moving and heartbreaking. This book was a reread for me. I first read it in April 2020; my husband gave it to me for my birthday, when all the libraries were closed, and because of that, I was reminded of that time, rereading. It’s a bleak story about a mother and daughter in a small town in Maine – it IS Elizabeth Strout, after all – and the secrets they keep from each other. I am always fascinated by people’s lives, and the things we don’t know about the people we think we know, and this book is all about that. What I didn’t know until I read it this time is that this is Strout’s debut, which she wrote at age 42! I love knowing that. And what a debut! It’s a really incredible, character-driven book. It’s gritty. It’s grim. It’s beautiful. I love it.
Too Much Happiness. This book is a master class in spare, moving writing, and it is one of the few – maybe it’s the only? – Alice Munro collections that contains a novella. The novella is the title story, about famed Russian mathematician Sophia Kovalevskaya. More than that, this collection contains a really wide variety of really incredible stories. Munro is unmatched in creating stories of characters that I think about often.
I hope you all had a wonderful weekend. In an unbelievable twist, I actually finished my Christmas shopping, which is a new record by far, and one which I don’t really want to repeat. There’s a reason for that, but I will tell you all about it later. For now, I hope you all have a beautiful October week. xo
Nicole, I hope you are having a wonderful and peaceful Thanksgiving. I would like to give thanks for this post, which, omg, make me laugh out loud multiple times. And I made the rookie mistake of taking a big gulp of tea right as I read the part about opening the kimono and nearly choked on it, for fear of spraying it all over my computer. This is a compliment, I hope you understand.
Aside from the hilarity, this is such a poignant and wonderful thought: “That person is beloved to somebody” I am going to try to hold that in my mind and heart when dealing with unsavories. (Do I have to apply it to certain presidential candidates? I suppose that is only fair and perhaps will be an excellent practice.)
Good on you for finishing your shopping! That is a wonderful accomplishment.
OPENING THE KIMONO. I still remember exactly what the guy looked like who said it, and the image that popped into my head has never been erased.
Nicole–I will always be trying to achieve your level of equanimity and generosity for other people…
But also:
That professor with the B.O.! It sounds like an unharnessed superpower!
That dumbass truck driver–people who drive for a living should really not get so EMOTIONAL about other people’s driving!
#The Rapists! I cannot stop LOL-ing.
Yout pot-lid comment reminded me–My dad would look at me in wonder when I was a kid and say, can you believe your life-companion is out there in the world? (I married someone younger than me, so technically it wouldn’t have been true before a certain age, but it is a wild thought!)
_Diary of Provincial Lady_ has been on my list to read since the last time you mentioned it, along with that tome by that Ohio woman writer whose name I’m forgetting… Perhaps next summer!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!
Oh oh oh I hope you do read Diary of a Provincial Lady, and if you don’t like it, don’t tell me!
The poor rapists, they need their exercise too!
Throughout reading this, I had a Peloton-ish comment brewing in my head (I, too, enjoy giving out high fives and thinking about how we are all working out together apart at our own speeds and in our own lives), until I got to the last line about your Christmas shopping and quickly realized I should change course to being motivated by others, haha! I did think of the words “advent” and “calendars” last week, so that’s a bit in the right direction!
Oooh I found some advent calendars at Costco last week! But the ones I usually buy were already sold out. What the what?
Yes, I love that thought- “this person is beloved to somebody.” I’ve thought it in a slightly different way- when someone is really unpleasant or annoying I think “this is someone’s father/mother/son/daughter.” And, this post also mirrors one of my beliefs, which is that there’s someone for everyone. I’ve met the strangest people who are completely unattractive in my eyes- but they’re married, so there was someone out there for them.
Even though I’m deeply suspicious of character driven books, you make these sound really good. I can see why you love Diary of a Provincial Lady so much- these quotes are hilarious.
Yes, there is someone out there for everyone, and it’s an absolutely fascinating thing to think about!
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Reading your post is like showing up to a holiday meal with a plate full of goodies and trying to decide what to taste first. Let’s dig in!
– I knew a smelly person once! He was a coworker and he was a gem. There was a lot of debate behind the scenes on where the overlap was between hygiene and a medial issue, but it didn’t matter because he was a great guy. And yes he was married, and yes there was some speculation about that. I assume that it started as a friendship that, er, blossomed.
– This is the first time that I’ve heard the phrase “opening the kimono” but how can I forget it? I’ve heard plenty of other coy alternates in the workplace. Back in the pandemic my husband read something about people who were seeing their spouse’s work personality for the first time, and learning that you were married to someone who said stuff like “let’s put a pin in that”. I wonder what the reaction was to spouses who overheard “kimono” talk at work – did it make for sexy time or was it a turnoff?
– This week I was listening to Ina Garten’s book everywhere that I went, so I would have looooved to be behind that driver to get more listening time.
– I have yet to read any Alice Munroe but it’s only a matter or time. If not for you I would probably not have gotten around to Elizabeth Strout, and you definitely primed my Margaret Atwood appetite.
– Congrats on the xmas shopping. I can’t wait to hear the story behind it – I’m sure it’s a good one. It’s a present waiting to happen.
Hahaha I remember that article – “oh god, my husband is a “let’s circle back” guy”
I was wondering about Ina Garten’s new book! I’ll put it on hold!
When Noah was four months old and I was standing in front of a classroom for the first time since he was born and looking out at the rows of 18 year olds, I was struck hard by the realization that they were once babies and their parents loved them as much as I loved my baby and must be missing them terribly. It made me very tender-hearted toward them.
And speaking of teachers’ personal lives, I just got this as a FB memory, from 2013:
Steph’s son’s media teacher, at the Open House, during the discussion of whether or not the Washington football team should change its name went off on a tangent and told the kids that this issue of whether it even matters if offense is meant or not when it’s taken will follow them their whole lives, and Steph paused to wonder exactly what was going on in the teacher’s life.
DID I JUST TEAR UP AT THE DESCRIPTION OF YOU TEACHING? Yes, I did.
I feel for Noah’s teacher!
This post made me smile, which is just what I needed right now. I love how you add humour to so many things and also, how you were able to be so patient with that driver! The Diary of a Provincial Lady is the best, and Elizabeth Strout’s writing is so thought provoking – her abilities to put the extra in the ordinary is quite something. 🙂
Book twins!!! I knew you’d love those two.
Isn’t it funny how professors stick in our mind, not because of what they taught us, but due to their eccentricities? For me, it was Dr. Becker, who wore the exact same clothes to class on the same days (for instance, he had a Monday outfit). A fellow student noticed it first and mentioned it to me and then I couldn’t help but see.
I laughed at your ‘nothing happens’ book description. My Middle Child constantly brings up her worst book ever assigned in school: My Antonia. Because NOTHING happened!
I am reading a good book right now that’s character driven and all dialogue: The Wedding People by Alison Espach.
Oh, that’s on my list, I’m waiting for it to come in at the library!
A Monday outfit! I kind of love that, it would make life so easy.
I wish I could have some sort of compassionate for the female lunatic that tailed me on my drive to Paul’s doctor appointment but it still raises my blood pressure just thinking about it! We had to wait 2 months for that appt and I was envisioning that she would hit me and then I’d miss the appt and we’d have to wait another 2 months! I was so happy when she zoomed into another lane and left me in the dust when we got into downtown. I had been gesturing to her and trying to get her to back the F off (traffic was so heavy so I could not change lanes, otherwise I would have). And then I had the thought – gosh, what if she has a gun and follows me to where I am going? It’s sad that we have to think about things like that….
My mom bought me the book “Amy and Isabelle” to read when I was recovering from having my tonsils and adnoids taken out over winter break of my freshman year of college back in Dec 1999! I have vivid memories of reading that book, and how sweet it was of my mom to buy a book for me to read while I was recovering!
I’ve had similar thoughts about some of the professors in college in the math department… some of them were off-the-charts odd. And then I think about a former colleague that was THE WEIRDEST person. When we found out he was getting married we were shocked. And then I met her at a holiday party and she seemed so normal!! But there’s no way a completely normal person would end up with this guy…
Honestly Lisa your story is so much scarier. I mean, we were going not super fast to begin with, I think the speed limit is 60 km/hr or something. I have often thought about the possibility of a gun while in the States – I would never, ever cut someone off for that reason!
EVERYONE HAS A STORY! Even the math/ stats/ econ profs! I think those studies really attracted some doozies, honestly.
This is the scene in ATGIB when Francie sees the old man’s feet and thinks of him as someone’s baby and then, like, faints. I love this attitude— everyone is beloved by somebody. It makes getting through election season in the US much easier.
Oh gosh I didn’t even think of that, that’s a whole other level of zen! Good luck!
My husband loves old SNL skits and that is one of his all-time favourites (which also included Anal Bum Cover – An Album Cover).
I burned out a bit on Elizabeth Strout, but I love that you love re-reading so much. It is a unique reading experience and one I don’t do as frequently now, but earlier in life re-reading was my absolute favourite form of reading.
Happy Thanksgiving!
The penis mightier!!! I think my favourite is the Christmas one. I’ll take Le Tits Now for $500.
I’m laughing about the guy driving slowly, trying to annoy you. It’s hilarious that by inconveniencing you he inconvenienced himself. People can be so ridiculous.
I had a few nut job profs in undergrad. One history dude with tenure would pace while he lectured, hand in his pocket jingling change in his pocket. I mean loudly so that you couldn’t always hear what he was saying. It was annoying and weirdly passive-aggressive like he didn’t want us to learn anything.
YES HE INCONVENIENCED HIMSELF! You go, buddy. What am I in a rush for? I didn’t even have frozen products in my grocery bins.
Your professor reminded me of this one I had who wore Birkenstocks all the time – even in Calgary winters – and he would walk around barefoot in the class. But the floor was disgustingly dirty so he’d wipe his bare feet on his pant leg, and then his pant leg would be all disgusting.
Ugh! That’s icky.
You made me laugh so much, then touched my heart with the thought that everyone is beloved to someone. Even the crazy road rage drivers. I can’t wait to hear the reason for your early Christmas shopping! I haven’t even thought about Christmas yet! I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving.
Thanks Michelle! I did!
NICOLE! You have got to quit bragging about this Christmas shopping. I am beyond stressed thinking about it now and it’s ONLY OCTOBER. Also, I ignored my note to myself to buy an advent calendar at the beginning of October and they are all sold out again. I told myself I wouldn’t let this happen this year, BUT IT HAS HAPPENED.
In college I had a beloved math teacher. I actually took all three of my calculus classes with him because he was so good, including one where I had to be across campus every weekday from 3:30-5pm, which is not a great time for my thinking brain. ANYWAY. I wanted to tell you this because at least twice a week he would wear a tshirt with a Weimaraner draped (this is the only word for it) sexily over a chair. I spent way too many hours looking at this tshirt and wondering about it. Now I leave the image with you. You’re welcome.
Engie, no! It’s not a brag, or at least I don’t mean it to be. It’s just I have something going on that will either require me being super stressed shopping close to Christmas, or medium stressed and get it done now, and I chose the latter. I don’t have that many people to buy for though.
Is it weird to kind of want that t-shirt?
I love the expression “a lid for every pot”. I have also sat in meetings while some boring old guy just droned on and on, and wondered what they are like at home. I think I’ve become much more charitable as I’ve aged. And that driver- what a total waste of energy- I cannot imagine going through life like that! I didn’t know of that book by Elizabeth Strout; my library doesn’t have it. Guess I’ll have to check the second hand bookstore or request it at my library.
Such a waste of energy! Who has that kind of time to devote to irritating strangers? I mean, I guess I did it without even knowing, but at least I wasn’t expending mental energy on it.
I know exactly what you mean, and it always reminds me of one specific example that is probably too long to describe here. It makes me dizzy, but not as dizzy as the times when I lose the ability to think of myself as myself, and start thinking about myself from other people’s point of view, and then I feel like I’m disappearing and have to get a drink of water. I need to read Betraying Spinoza by Rebecca Goldstein again.
I loathe that driver and yet am also amused – he wanted to go faster, and was so mad that you wouldn’t go faster that he then… went slower, when he could have gone faster? I try to be kind and compassionate, but I also am capable of holding a grudge on the thinnest of pretexts, so if that made him feel better and you didn’t care then, well, good I guess? But no, because people who let emotion dictate how they drive are not safe drivers.
Olive Kitteridge was an amazing book but parts of it really messed me up, actually, so I approach Strout’s books with trepidation more than excitement. It’s a talent, but whoa.
I think it’s great that your Christmas shopping is done, but it doesn’t make me wish mine is, which is a very nice thing.
Betraying Spinoza or maybe The Edible Woman?
I know, that was the funniest part – if you’re in a hurry, BE in a hurry, but why slow down just to prove a point? I mean, I don’t care. He was the one who should have cared! And now he was even later than he would have been.
I am going to maybe NOT recommend Olive, Again because whoa, there was a part in there that really, really was disturbing to me.
Oh my God, Nicole – you are done with Christmas shopping?! I’ve barely started.
Well, I kind of had to be, but I’ll get into that later! I mean, I guess I didn’t HAVE to, but I’ll be away and will run out of time.
I need to ask first, did you study economics? it’s so interesting to know that economic professors were all man back then. I’mjust few years younger than you and still the department or even my profession is dominated by man, especially on macro issues.
As I get older, I share your reflection on people, how easy we are to judge others when we don’t know their stories, when we do, our perception of them changes, for good usually.
Coco, yes, I have my Masters in economics and it was basically all men. I think there was one woman who came in the last year I was there!
I think it makes the world better, to remember that everyone has a story (even the people driving like jerks!0
As my mom always says, “There’s a lid for every pot!” Or is it a pot for every lid? Either way, I can’t imagine surviving sixteen weeks of B.O. It reminds me of when I was little and part of a baton troupe. One of the moms had what I now know as body odor, but back then, she was just the redheaded mom with freckles. Naturally, I assumed all redheaded, freckled grown women smelled like that! I carried that belief in my head for the longest time. This post brought that memory rushing back. 🤣
Hahahaha the poor maligned freckled redheads!
Kari, not only was it 16 weeks, it was more, because I had more than one class with him! I remember walking by his office in the department and it was, shall we say, aromatic in the hallway.
OMG!!! 🤣🤣
I never saw that SNL skit with “I’ll take the rapists for 100” – OMG, too funny. I am driving an elderly man to and from our writing group on Mondays right now, because he fell and hurt himself. He lives freakishly near me and it’s no trouble. Last night was the first time that he had some pretty strong BO. By the time I dropped him off and parked the car and entered the library, the meeting room also smelled. I think it was a one time deal. Being in a class with that odor on the regular – so unpleasant.