Gnot Cool. I enjoy the podcast Decoder Ring, and this past week they had an episode about The History of Lawn Ornaments, and the first half of it was about garden gnomes. I am here for this content! Earlier, CCR (HI CCR) sent me this article about a group IN KELOWNA called the Gnome Restoration Society. At first I was charmed by this idea, then I read it closely and realized that the society TOOK a man’s gnomes, repainted them, and returned them. Doesn’t that feel a bit presumptuous? If I looked out my window one morning and my gnomes were gone, I would be absolutely furious, and/or depressed. Then to return them, all repainted? Keep your hands off Salvadore, Gnome Restoration Society!
What Could It Be? At least twice a day I think about an interview I heard months ago of a woman who is in an open marriage and wrote a book about it; it was one of the wildest, and kind of saddest, things I have ever heard. During the interview she spoke about her husband; she said there was one thing that she would NOT do, sexually speaking, that her husband wanted her to do, and so he enjoyed his part of the open marriage with someone who would do it. My question is, what could this possibly be? She had already talked about her enthusiasm for the following: three-ways and multiple partners at a time, pansexuality, oral, anal, BDSM, spanking, sex toys, dressing up, being tied up, tying her husband up, pornography, filming and being filmed. What else is there? The reason I think of this at least twice a day is that the product that she recommended for the listeners is a waterproof, wipeable dog blanket that is used to cover furniture to protect it from muddy paws, dog hair, and the like. She, however, does not have a dog. She uses it as her sex blanket. I mean. Okay? I guess there are a lot of fluids involved for her, maybe more than I generally think there are. Anyway, I guess I was influenced, not for a sex blanket, but for my actual dog, and not for furniture, but for my car. I found something that covers the back seat and keeps it clean because wow, Rex is pretty dirty after our walks, particularly now that he cools his paws in the creek and then walks on the dirty, sandy paths. But seriously. WHAT ELSE IS THERE?
Hitting The Floor. Listen, it’s not his fault. Rex has giant furry paws and he cannot help being so filthy. Well, it’s partly his fault, because when I’m gardening he rolls down the bank beside the garden, over and over, and that bank is not watered, so he ends up constantly covered in dead grass, which ends up all over the house. This is in addition to all the dirt and sand that gradually falls out of his paws during the day post-walking; well, I feel like I could hire someone to vacuum five times a day every day, and that might keep our floors clean. MIGHT. As it is we are all constantly grabbing the vacuum or broom in a vain attempt to keep from being ankle-deep in filth. We have a very clean and tidy, organized house with the exception of our floors. Our Roombas just are no match for this, we have to do it manually. Well, I remember when Barkley died and the floors were clean; I don’t want that trade-off, so I guess we will all just keep cleaning in the hopes that the floors wills stay clean for more than 30 minutes.
Attack of the Killer Squash. I have never grown a pumpkin before and the plant is literally taking over the garden. Every single day it’s extended its tendrils a little further, and has a few more flowers and tiny tiny pumpkins on its extensive greenery, and I know what I should do is trim it down, but I don’t want to. I want to see what happens. Also, I’m not Almanzo Wilder here, I am not going to start feeding a pumpkin milk so I can win the blue ribbon at the county fair; if I end up with dozens of tiny pumpkins, well, it will be perfect for the upcoming Decorative Gourd Season.
My zucchinis and butternut squash plants are massive as well; all of these were grown from seed and they seem to be in a battle with the pumpkin.
Monsters: A Fan’s Dilemma. It was serendipitous timing that this book came up on my library holds, because there has been a very upsetting revelation recently with regards to someone I deeply admire. If you know me at all, you can probably guess to whom I am referring, but please, I beg of you – I AM ACTUALLY BEGGING, FRIENDS – do not broach the subject with me. I do not want to discuss it, not now, and possibly not ever. But I did find this book extremely helpful for me to process my very complex, very private feelings, as it deals with separating art from artists. Can we separate the art from the artist? If we can, should we? It’s a very nuanced and thoughtful book, the thesis of which is that there is no one answer, and every individual person’s history will inform their reaction to such behaviour, which feels like an obvious conclusion, and yet it was one I appreciated. The author is a memoirist, and can’t seem to help herself – this nonfiction book took a memoir turn in the latter third. I wasn’t surprised to see that the examples of women who were “monstrous” were those who sacrificed their maternal and familial duties for their art, as she drew parallels with her own life, which, okay? In terms of the book, that seemed like a real choice, particularly since the examples of men were true examples of monstrous behaviour: rape, violence, pedophilia. Perhaps the author is making a statement on how men and women are viewed in general by society, and how judged women are for things like not paying enough attention to their children, and how venerated men are for being manly geniuses, who cares if they are violent, mean, and abusive – Picasso and Hemingway are two main examples. It is sad, of course, that Sylvia Plath neglected her children and then killed herself, but that does not seem to be even close to being on par with, say, the actions of Bill Cosby. Maybe that’s the point. Maybe that’s the whole point. Anyway, this book was well worth the read, for me, and gave me a lot of things to think about.
It’s Belle. I had one of those magical Costco trips, wherein I entered the store to complete chaos: lineups snaking down the store, aisles crammed with people waiting for samples, an inability to get from one aisle to the other without cart road rage, until I finished shopping, at which point there were no lineups at all. I sailed over to the checkout and the fellow who was boxing up my groceries said, in the most genial way, “Hi! Who’s your favourite Disney character?” It reminded me of an interview I heard recently where a woman talked about her hatred for small talk and social niceties like asking how are you? This should, in the mind of the interviewee, be abolished. It is useless, she said, and she related a story about how she used to hang up on and threaten to break up with the man she eventually married, until he stopped asking her how she was. It struck me as terribly pretentious and also, we live in a society? Asking other people about themselves, even in the most banal of ways, shows that you are not a narcissistic asshole? However, I will concede that there is only one real answer when a stranger asks how are you, whereas there are many answers to what’s your favourite Disney character, so I think this guy might be on to something. After all, he would probably see thousands of people a day. I related this to my husband later, and he wondered if it was only Disney movies, or if the entire Disney universe is included – Star Wars, Marvel, Muppets – in which case I might have to amend my initial response to include Miss Piggy.
Take a Break! Run Away With Me For The Summer. It’s time for my Summer Blog Break! Take care of yourselves, friends, and I will see you in a couple of weeks. xo
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, PLEASE GROW AN ALMONZO MILK PUMPKIN!
Regarding the gnome painters, that’s pretty rude. What if they had dear sentimental value JUST THE WAY THEY WERE. “My dearly departed husband painted those in our wedding colors, and now some asshat has painted them purple! WTH!”
And YAY TO DIRTY FLOORS! Ours are stupidly clean right now, and we almost never have to vacuum, and it sucks.
The thing about ‘how are you’, at least for me, is that if I’m not OK, I find it difficult to answer, physically. I know I should just say ‘fine’, but I can’t. Once I was at the grocery store and the teller, with whom I had been chatting for many years, asked me how I was. I said, “Fine.” Then I started crying, and said, “No, I’m not fine. Today is my dead mother’s birthday and I miss her so much. This cake I’m buying, it was her favorite.” And she came around and gave me the most caring, gentle hug. So there’s that.
Enjoy your summer vacation!
J, yes, what if they had sentimental value??? WHAT THEN, GNOME SOCIETY??
Hmm…well, now I’m going to have to figure out exactly HOW Almanzo used milk. BRB.
Aww, what a lovely woman at the grocery store! So much kindness.
It is rather presumptuous of that society to decide that you are neglecting your gnomes! (Not you specifically, of course, but I mean that anyone is.) Perhaps they would be better off if they offered to support people and their gnomes, instead of taking matters into their own hands.
I have no idea, NO IDEA what the woman might have been talking about! It is fascinating to consider, that she wasn’t willing to say, when she was so open about everything else. Not only won’t she do it, she won’t even talk about it? What could it be? I hope someone has an idea.
I loved that article but YES, why not ASK about repainting gnomes! Like if one of my yellow-hatted gnomes came back, say, green, I would be VERY upset.
YES, not only will she not do it, but she won’t NAME it, so I don’t know how bad this could be!! Although Allison suggested “cuddling” which made me laugh a lot.
‘Cuddling’ – LOLOLOLOL! Hilarious.
ok, I came very close to asking you about the subject of “MONSTERS” a few weeks ago, and now I am very glad that I did not. All I can say is that I am upset about it too, and it is going to take some time to process–and maybe that book would help. I have seen it recommended elsewhere too.
On the topic of WHAT COULD IT BE–I think I know the book you mean, and I didn’t read it, and frankly tried to avoid reading articles about it, because it sounded, well, really like more information than I need about anyone’s sex life. However, I do think I know what it could be; I guess my question to you here is, are you sure you want my guess? Because, as you say later in the post, there are only so many things that we really want/need to talk about in the world!
This reply comes off as very mysterious. I will, however, unequivocally stand on your side regarding your right to have Salvadore remain unmolested and unpainted! What are people thinking?
I’m happy to have your guess! The number one guess seems to involve urine, although I guess it could involve other things (ew). One friend suggested “cuddling” which cracks me up.
yeah, urine or feces was my guess too. It’s a kink somewhat further beyond the rest on her list.
FECES EWWWWWW
I skipped that episode so I don’t know if she mentioned this, but could it be that thing where people choke themselves until they pass out to get off? She seems pretty comfortable with all manner of bodily fluids/excretions…
I love that you know EXACTLY what interview I’m talking about! ARIYNBF twinsies!
😘
Enjoy your summer blog break! You have earned it. We will miss you, but guess what we’ll all be here when you get back and we’ll catch up then.
Yes enquiring minds want to know what else is on the list! And it’s good to know that if I want to get down and dirty that I can use a dog blanket.
When we first got Doggo it was winter and our yard was incredibly muddy. A puppy only goes outside a dozen times a day, so our house was a constant mud fest. I had to lower my standards down to nothing. The yard finally dried up later in the spring, and she doesn’t go out as frequently, so I get to have clean floors again – until the next time it gets muddy.
Get down and REALLY dirty, apparently!!!
I will say living out here in the boonies has really affected the state of my floors, in that Rex is tracking in everything in all weather. Formerly, it was just muddy season!
REX!!! I cannot deal with how cute he is rolling around in the dirt. Hannah’s tendency to roll around in other animal’s excrement is the #1 reason she gets regular baths. I have tried to explain to her cause and effect, but she does not get it.
I suspect that what is on that lady’s list involves bodily fluids and I will speak no more of it. I almost feel like I need to purge my own brain. I can actually think of quite a few things that aren’t on the list you provided (at first I typed “on your list” and that made it seem a little too personal to you, Nicole) and all of them would require a blanket. Or more.
Floors. Ha ha ha. The dog and cat shed and shed. I would not give them up for clean floors, either, but I do wish I could train one or both of them to help clean up their own messes!
I think urine is definitely the frontrunner here! But now I’m wondering “quite a few” – WHAT COULD THEY BE?!?
Barkley rolled in excrement a couple of times, those were dark days.
Not be gross, but there are *ahem* other things that come out of a body – breast milk, mucus, (whispers quietly) feces, and blood. I can see how that would not be someone’s jam.
BLERGH.
Just saying that I agree with NGS about the off-limits sex thing… fluids. lol.
Speaking of weird sex things, have you read All Fours yet?
I haven’t but it’s on my list to read! Also, I saw a review that gave it five stars with the following commentary: “women going insane is my favourite genre”
This is so full of fun and thoughts and suggests you got everything out of your system before you abandon us to go on vacation. Have fun.
While I appreciate the existence of the Gnome Restoration Society I am peeved that it must exist. The pumpkin that knows no bounds is amazing. I don’t want to know anything about bodily fluids, did I study medicine in college? No I did not and there’s a reason for that.
I did get it all out of my system, Ally! Have a great couple of weeks!
Get off my lawn, Gnome Restoration Society!! WTH? That is technically trespassing and kinda stealing – even if they do return the gnomes.
And the open marriage lady? Holy cow, talk about airing your dirty linen. She could list all that but wouldn’t name the one thing??
I imagined going in to the garden to see all my gnomes gone – even if they were returned, I would be so heartbroken!
I am DYING at #2 and the DOG BLANKET as the payoff. Nicole!! This glimpse into your behind-the-scenes reasoning is priceless. Also, srsly. WHAT IS IT?
Hahahah only I could go from “open marriage weird sex things” to “look at what I’m using in my car!”
I am very impressed with your pumpkin vines. We grew pumpkins years ago and one was big enough to use as a jack-o-lantern but it was tough to carve because we picked it a little unripe.
Keep an eye on those gnomes.
I’m hoping to have lots of tiny little pumpkins for decorating – will keep you posted!
Whenever I hear about open marriages, I strongly suspect it’s the man who is behind it and the woman just goes along with it because she doesn’t want to lose him. Disturbing. And good grief on their ‘activities’ but I’ll guess pegging because you didn’t mention it 🤣🤣🤣🤮
What was your conclusion on separating the art from the artist? So many people have been cancelled lately. I can separate musicians because I’m generally not looking at them, plus if they’re part of a band, it doesn’t matter to me. I can still enjoy their music. Actors, not so much. Have a great time away!
I generally think that way, about open marriages, but this particular case was instigated by the woman! It was fascinating and kind of depressing, honestly. As for the separation, it’s kind of a case by case basis, as you say.
The Rex content in this post just gave me such a boost of happiness! He just looks so happy with himself whether he’s relaxing (+ reclaiming the doggie blanket for doggies!) or rolling around, it’s infectious.
I think I’ve guessed “what could it be” and “monsters”–but I’ll keep those to myself.
Have a terrific blog break, Nicole! XOXO
He’s a very happy pup!!
I can’t believe someone or some group takes other people’s gnomes . . . in this day of cameras everywhere, I think they will be caught. Such a weird and overstepping thing to do.
That interview, yikes. So much information. I guess the good news is that as a result you stumbled on the dog blanket that protects your car’s seats. I died at cuddling. Ha.
I so enjoy Rex stories. He’s so darn cute.
If we don’t hear from you in a few weeks, should we fear that the pumpkin plant has taken you hostage? Enjoy your break.
Oh yes, I didn’t even think of cameras! But that’s definitely something to think about!
Hahahah the attack of the killer pumpkin!
I thought of you when I heard the news that shall not be named. 🙁 I’ve heard mixed reviews of Monsters but might read it at some point especially since you felt it was worth your time.
I’m with you on Belle. We finally caved and got Disney+ after holding out for years. The boys watched Beauty and the Beast last weekend for the first time. I love that movie so much!
Our floors are also disgusting. There is so many crumbs and dropped bites of food at the kitchen bar where the boys eat, but some things are not easy to just vacuum up, like mac & cheese (why is eating so hard??). And then we’ve also got the sand the Taco tracks in. We empty his shoes when we pick him up but he still tracks so much sand into the house!
When my boys were 3 and 4, we got Barkley, and in terms of crumbs and food, the floors were never cleaner! He was a great cleaner-upper of food.
That second bullet was QUITE A JOURNEY, NICOLE. And now I will never stop wondering WHAT ELSE IT COULD BE.
People feed their pumpkins millk? That is a thing??? I did watch an entire video about protecting a male pumpkin flower’s seed until the female pumpkin flower appeared, but there was no milk involved. (I watched it because my zucchini plants CANNOT GET IT TOGETHER. I have had one single zucchini and it came to be only because I learned how to hand fertilize my female zucchini flowers. And I would do it again, even though it feels wildly inappropriate, perhaps I personify my plants too much, but my zucchini flowers ONE FLOWER AT A TIME and there are never male flowers and female flowers together. ARGH.)
The news that shall not be named is devastating. I am glad you found that book to be thought provoking. The question of separating art from artist is one I struggle with all the time, and I have never been able to land on something that feels 100% right.
Have a wonderful blog break, Nicole!
SEXY ZUCCHINI SEX
I guessed cuddling, but I think urine is probably closer to the truth. Also now I have milking pumpkins in my head close to the sex stuff, and….
Yeah, hands off the gnomes unless you have explicit permission. Rex is SO CUTE, good thing, because you must get weary of the constantly dirty floors. Good thing you bought him a sex blanket, though. Hey, it would work for urine too! Full circle, or something.
I don’t know, cuddling is the funniest answer of them all!
We have a sling/hammock thing for our dog to sit on in the car. It goes over the back seats and then clips onto the front seats so he is on the backseat but can’t fall down off the seat, because he refuses to relax in the car like Rex.
I love your pumpkins. When we have had pumpkins I’ve alwys let them go where they want. Everything in your garden looks fabulous.
Rex is definitely a good traveller, the problem is because of his size he takes up the entire back seat!
Why do gnomes need to be restored? That bothers me a little. I love vintage items, but I dislike it when people believe that one way is all the ways.
YOUR GARDEN!! 💚
(PS -I’m Russell from the movie Up)
I have never seen that movie, can you believe it? I will have to now.
YES I was also bothered by that. I like the thought of gnomes growing old with me, you know?
I am flabbergasted by that interview (and also highly curious: what can it be?) because it seems like they’re already covering A LOT and just because she doesn’t want to do one (apparently very messy) thing, they open up their marriage?
I am no Almanzo Wilder… that made me chuckle.
I feel very stupid right now, questioning if I do NOT know you at all because I am not sure which artist you’re referring to…. maybe I should scour the news and it will come to me?
No no, they didn’t open up their marriage because of him, they opened it because of her, she wanted many more things. Her husband, I guess, just wanted one! But she felt that she could not be satisfied with just one person. My thought was, they have teenagers, WHAT DO THOSE KIDS THINK OF THIS. Wild, absolutely wild.
What does it say about me that I could think of 5-6 other sexual proclivities that someone might not be into, eeks.
I hope nobody takes your gnomes to be restored! That’s gnome bueno!
Well, that says SOMETHING Stephany!!! I am wildly impressed!
I love all of your 6 random things. Pumpkins do take over don’t they? And dogs bring in so much dirt- one of my sons has moved home for a bit with his dog. Oh my the dog hair!
I am reading Leaving now. It is so well done. You really feel the emotion. I must say I don’t like Warren’s daughter – she is a spoiled brat! Not crazy about his wife either. Enjoy your break- we will miss you.
No dog hair here but oh my god the dirt. THE DIRT. So much sand and grit!
I had no idea how pumpkins would grow, it’s fascinating.
Hahahahaha…. so every time you get Rex into the car onto that blanket, you think of that interview. Sounds like some of your commenters have ideas about the “what else.”
I’m looking forward to fall, and seeing your house decorated with tiny pumpkins!
Enjoy your blog break- we’ll miss you!
You’d love the tiny pumpkins the most, Jenny!!!
I’m pretty disturbed by this lady wiho recommended the dog blanket but wow what an interview! Enjoy the blog break!!
It was a WILD interview!!
Every few years, my husband throws our Jack o lantern into the back garden after Halloween, and then we forget that he did that only to have a ginormous pumpkin plant trailing through the garden come summer. This year, he did plant some kabocha squash for me because it’s my favorite, but I think the rabbits have gotten to it.
I read Claire Dederer’s book Poser, a memoir-ish about her discovering yoga as a new mom. I thought it was an interesting listen, but then I got annoyed by her privileged suburban mom yoga life. Or maybe I got annoyed because it hit too close to home? Not sure.
I hope you have a lovely bloggy break!
I have not read Poser because I read the other memoir she had written and I really disliked it. So I’ll probably pass on Poser (also, it’s not available at our library and I don’t want to buy it!)
I thought Monsters was a really good read, thoughtful and not black and white (like one of my other fave NF of last year, Doppelgangers by Naomi Klein SO GOOD) and helpful! Enjoy the break
Yes! I loved Doppelgangers and Monsters for exactly that reason – both were so thoughtful and nuanced!
I hope you’re having a lovely Blog Break, Nicole! I can only say that The Gnome Restoration Society has me deeply disturbed! I love everyone’s reaction to it and agree with Stephany that it’s Gnome Bueno!
I laughed so hard at, “I’m not Almanzo.” Your garden looks amazing, and I can’t wait to see your pumpkins!
Gnome Bueno indeed!!! I thought of you, of course. GNOME THANK YOU.
I am guessing that the sex act involves poop; enough said! Now let’s talk about Disney characters! I think that it should include real humans, Star Wars characters, Muppets, cartoon characters etc. In which case, I would have to really think hard! Also, I had a great conversation with the wife of a friend of mine about “how are you?” My friend died young (57 years old, colon cancer) and she said that she was asked all the time how she was and she was sick of it and she decided that people should start the conversation with a real question like, “what good book have you read lately?” or “what did you have for dinner yesterday?” She said the answer to how she was was not a good one and she was tired of answering, “fine” when she was not really fine, but you cannot really go into how you REALLY are, so she would just default to “fine” over and over.
I get what you’re saying, but sometimes I think it’s more of a salutation than an actual question. Then again, the questions you mention would be fun but would lead to more of a conversation than the “hi” level. I think there is room for both things! Now, here’s a question – which Disney character would you choose as your favourite?
It would be very hard to decide, but it would probably be from one of the older movies. Like Burt from Mary Poppins or the genie from Aladdin. I also like the crab from Little Mermaid, and the candlestick and teapots from BATB, or Pumba and Timon.from Lion KingI would need a list of all of them to look at, as I have probably forgotten a lot of good ones!!
“How are you” can definitely be hard, depending on someone’s current situation. I tend to just say ‘hi’ to the people I know in the store (yes, I am a naturalized midwesterner, why do you ask? ha…) and leave it at that (well, other than thank you, of course!).
I am…not as creative as that person who was interviewed or many of your readers. Also, apparently, easily grossed out. I’ll happily leave that speculation behind me. 😉
I love the late 80s/early 90s oeuvre of Disney movies. Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast… sigh. I know those soundtracks so, so well. <3 (and Belle! the books! France! I want her life!)
I also know and love those soundtracks! I particularly love Beauty and the Beast.