My husband is always incredibly supportive and encouraging of anything I decide to do, and so last August when I told him that I wasn’t up to teaching yoga in our new city – the thought of starting over was overwhelming and discouraging, and it felt like time for a pivot – he was in full agreement. When I quietly mused about taking a creative writing course with the thought of writing a book, he was one hundred percent on board immediately. Of course I could write a book! It would be a best seller! Maybe even on Oprah’s book club! I don’t even know if Oprah still has her book club, and it feels aspirational just to get it finished and maybe published, as well as highly unlikely it will ever get to best seller stage, but it’s nice to have such blindly enthusiastic support.
That same supportive husband accidentally poisoned me last week.
Now, clearly I am not writing this beyond the grave – or am I? – so this poisoning was pretty mild. And there was nothing nefarious to it – I think? – but before we get to that, I was reminded of an exchange between myself and my mother-in-law several weeks ago.
She was pulling up her rhubarb in the garden, and my feelings about rhubarb are not as strong as my feelings about celery, but they are close, and so I was assuring her that no, I did not want any. The leaves were enormous, I would say almost three feet long, and my mother-in-law asked me if I knew that the leaves of the plant are poisonous.
I did know this, which begs the question: what person in history found this plant with incredibly toxic leaves, the root of which is so sour and awful that it requires pounds of sugar to make it palatable, and thought hey, what a great idea for dessert.
Getting back to the foliage, I recapped an Alice Munro story for my mother-in-law, one in which the protagonist concocts baked goods with the toxic leaves, in order to seek revenge on her cheating husband. My mother-in-law listened intently, nodding, and then said That seems pretty slow. I can think of a faster way to get rid of the cheating bastard. True, but also, that would be an entirely different short story.
Now, lest you draw any parallels between these two story threads, my semi-poisoning was not a result of me stepping out on my marriage, nor did it have anything to do with rhubarb and baked goods. It did, however, involve a veggie burger.
My husband was festively preparing to grill burgers for the family plus our houseguest, and while rummaging through the freezer, he noticed that I had not one but three different kinds of veggie burgers. He mentioned that in addition to a few boxes from Costco, there was an open box with chickpea and sweet potato burgers; ever since Costco discontinued my beloved chipotle black bean burgers, life has been but dull and meaningless from a veggie burger standpoint, and so I agreed to the latter type. It all seemed very innocuous, until later in the evening, when I was feeling uncomfortably bloated. I chalked it up to eating a big slice of Guinness cake, took a Benadryl for my many mosquito bites, and went to bed.
I woke up a few hours later feeling like Count Almasy returning from the desert – I have been WALKING for three DAYS – and I could not get enough water. The next morning I dragged my strangely exhausted self out of bed and, getting dressed, I couldn’t help but notice my stomach. Now, perimenopause has given me a soft, cuddly tummy, but this was not that. It was distended to resemble, both in size and firmness, that which I had when I was approximately five months pregnant, which extended to six months after drinking my morning water. I and my stomach went through my normal morning routine, but I was dizzy and fatigued, and, distressingly, when I got home from my Rex walk, I was completely uninterested in breakfast. Not only was I not hungry, but I was also strangely repulsed by even the thought of consuming anything at all, except more water.
I continued on with my day, but by the time I had showered and not had lunch, I was exhausted from just existing, so I thought I should sit down for a moment. Something that you should know about me is that during the day I am almost never tired, and I never “sit down for a moment” without some seated project like reading, writing, or Duolingoing in mind. I immediately fell asleep in my chair.
At this point in the Trifecta Of Weird Things, I was getting suspicious. No one else felt off in any way, and so my husband inspected the package of veggie burgers, and they had expired eight months ago.
Now, typically we cycle through food very quickly, the exception being veggie burgers as I am the only one who eats them. But we have been in this house less than a year, and is it too much to ask of a frozen food to still be good after eleven months? I really don’t know.
You poisoned me! I kept saying to my husband before dozing off again, as he gave the package the side-eye. Now, to be sure, it wasn’t terrible in a Praying For The Sweet Release Of Death kind of way. I wasn’t – how to put this delicately – expelling anything in any way, but I was experiencing considerable stomach pain, so much so that I started googling things like intestinal blockage signs of and sudden onset Crohn’s disease. My algorithm should be interesting now.
It took 24 hours of no eating, plus another two days before I felt like myself again, and my faux pregnancy has subsided to my usual soft, cuddly tummy. But you can bet I’m keeping my eye on that husband of mine. If he starts concocting suspicious-looking baked goods, I’m sounding the alarm.
Weekly Reading
A huge upside to enforced rest due to accidental poisoning is that I got quite a bit of reading done.
Refuse To Be Done: How to Write and Rewrite a Novel in Three Drafts. This book has some very helpful advice about editing and revising, which I am taking to heart. One of the books I read this week could have really used this. Thanks for the recommendation, Laura (HI LAURA!).
Peacocks of Instagram. WOW. You know I love a collection of short stories, but a collection of interconnected short stories by a female Canadian author? SIGN ME UP. I loved these slice-of-life, ordinary-yet-extraordinary stories about safety, privilege and the lack of it, and when a person can call a place home. Big thank you to Pearl (HI PEARL) for mentioning this!
The Idea of You. Okay. First of all, this book has legions of fans and has been made into a movie, so kudos to the author for this level of success. In fact, the way I heard about this book was from one of those fans, and the premise sounded kind of interesting: 40-year-old woman meets her 12-year-old daughter’s favourite boy band, and ends up having an affair with one of the 20-year-old members. I think this band is roughly based on One Direction. Given all the real life examples of wildly May-December relationships – Al Pacino, Robert de Niro, BILL BELICHICK WTF GRANDPA, LEAVE THE 24 YEAR OLD GIRL ALONE – I thought, hell yeah, older woman, let’s fucking go. Well. Was I wrong. As I said, a very successful book but so not for me. The writing is SO bad, I can hardly even describe how bad it is. About 80% of this book is soft-core porn-level sex scenes in a variety of luxurious locales – think Aspen, Anguilla, Cote d’Azur – and the other 20% is worry about her daughter finding out about the affair, angst when she does find out about the affair, the ocean of fans who suddenly hate this woman for having sex with this Harry Styles-like boy band member and how they make her life hell, and some boring parts about art. Here’s an example of the writing that probably says it all: “And how in God’s name had I ended up here, on my knees in a five-star hotel, sucking some guy in a boy band’s dick? And dear Lord, please don’t ever let my daughter do this.” I mean there’s a part where she is upset because a paparazzi photo of them in flagrante goes viral, and she talks about her life being ruined, how she’s going to lose her daughter, her gallery, everything. Her life is a complete shambles, she says. Then, the next sentence: “But you are really, really good at eating pussy, so maybe it was worth it.” Honestly, I think the author could have used an editor, or at least the Refuse To Be Done book, but what do I know, she’s crying all the way to the bank.
Amazing Grace Adams. Well this was quite the ride! This novel follows a woman who has just Had Enough and has a bit of a breakdown, leaving her car parked in traffic to walk to deliver a cake for her daughter’s sixteenth birthday. It’s kind of wild, this book that both takes place over just a few hours, interspersed with multiple timelines from the past. We, the reader, are meant to believe that this breakdown is entirely spurred on by perimenopausal symptoms, the stress of mothering a teen girl, and her work-life balance, and the whole time I kept thinking okay, okay, a bit dramatic, but okay. But then! There is a big reveal, and things started to make sense, but then! There is a OMG HUGE REVEAL and everything, everything clicks into place and wow, what a well done book. In the acknowledgements, the author says she was inspired by the movie Falling Down, and yes, that really tracks. Thanks to Anna (HI ANNA) for the recommendation!
We are having a bit of a heat wave right now, and other than having to walk Rex super-early in the morning to beat the heat I am so here for it. Summer! Bring it all on! I hope you are having a beautiful, summery week as well, with no poisoning, accidental or otherwise. xo
I’m so glad you recovered, Nicole! I was singing “This girl is… poison!” in my head when I started reading and did not at all expect a literal poisoning. I think I did not know that about rhubarb leaves? I wondered what parts of the garlic scapes I got at the farmers market were edible and then just used all of it, so I better start looking things up.
Did you feel like you needed to go to the hospital at any point? If you’d been “expelling” perhaps?
Your garden looks amazeballs! Speaking of… I was so offended by the placement of “dick” in this phrase: “some guy in a boy band’s dick”–they really should have had a better editor. OTOH, I did watch the movie–I started on the plane and finished it at home and it was okay.
_Peacocks of Instagram_ and _Amazing Grace Adams_ are going on my TBR; thank you!
Stay safe (from R–haha). I was going to ask for a Rexie pic, but then I found a candid shot of him flopped out beside you looking all fuzzy and cuddly in the “Idea of You” pic. Happy week to you and yours. XOXO
I’m glad you were singing that song, because that is also the song that was in my head. I should have named this post That Girl Is Poison(ed)
I did actually wonder if something was really wrong at one point, but I didn’t have a fever nor was I expelling so I figured I was okay. And I was!
MAYA YES, THEY SHOULD HAVE HAD A LINE EDIT!
I was going more in an Alice Cooper direction with that title.
I think if one is to be poisoned, you may have gone about it the right way: you’re ok after some discomfort AND you have a fun and easily misconstrued phrase to say to your husband! Years ago, my Mr. accidentally poisoned himself with fiddleheads and my daughter and I have quite a lot of fun gasping out “after the incident? THE TOXICITY?” if we happen to see them while food shopping with him… Seriously, so glad you’re feeling better and I’m so excited about the book!!
Lindsay, yes! It could have been so much worse! As it was I could just accuse my husband of poisoning me and sleep.
I did not know that fiddleheads were toxic!!! That could be me!
Only if they are undercooked! The Mr. learned the hard way, oof.
Ugh, that sounds VERY unpleasant- glad you’re okay. i have to admit that we eat expired food all the time, and I wouldn’t have thought something frozen could become that toxic. I guess eight months is kind of long though. i’ll have to be more aware in the future! and yes- rhubarb. Does anyone actually LIKE rhubarb???
That book sound TERRIBLE! Books that bad actually make me angry. But, Amazing Grace Adams sound good.
Enjoy your summery weather!
That’s what I thought about frozen food! Who knew?
Everyone in this house other than me (and, I guess, Rex) loves rhubarb. What is wrong with them??
Oh dear. I’m glad you’re recovered, but that does not sound fun.
It was not fun, but meh, at least I got some rest!
Blerg rhubarb. It’s on the list of “I’d only eat that if there was nothing else to eat” foods. With so many other kinds of pie out there, why are people still eating it?
Congrats on surviving Veggie Burger Poisoning.
I feel like I NEED to read Amazing Grace Adams. And that I will happily pass on The Idea of You – thank you for reading it so that I don’t have to.
*takes bow* I live but to serve, I am here for all your bad reading needs
Why ARE people still eating it (the people I live with love it, which makes me wonder about them)
I just wrote about this on Ernie’s blog, but I frequently joke that if I wanted my husband to have a slow protracted death, I would sprinkle wheat germ in his food. He’d never be the wiser! It does sound mean when I type it out, but it’s all in good fun. Or is it?
Wow. I didn’t realize that out-of-date veggie burgers could be so deadly. We’re sticklers about best-buy dates here in our house, but I’ll be even more vigilant from this point on.
Hahaha the diabolical wheat germ sprinkle! Thanks for the laugh!
Well, it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, maybe because they were veggie burgers and not, like, expired meat. (HEAVES) But it seems weird that it expired so quickly!
Oh no! I am so sorry you were ill! Way to go husband! This is kind of vindicating for me because I am so particular about expiration dates whereas my husband sort of thinks of them as a suggestion. I mean if we are few days past something expiring, I will eat it but it months have gone by, nope. Not worth it. I am like this with medication, too, and he thinks it’s big pharma trying to get me to buy more sudafed.
It is so nice to know of another person that did not like The Idea of You! How is this so popular? What in the actual world? I really did not like that book and felt like she made so many terrible decisions. Like what did you expect to happen when you sunbathed naked on a yacht (or whatever kind of watercraft it was – the details have faded). I did so much eye rolling.
I really loved Amazing Grace Adams, too!
That book was just so badly written! It could have been an interesting idea, but I kept getting caught up in the bad writing!
I thought things would last longer than that in the freezer, and honestly I never check things like that since we go through food so fast!
Oh that’s terrible! Also, my Costco has the chipotle black bean burgers! I got Impossible ones instead but maybe yours will bring them back (and now I can’t wait to try them).
SARAH SARAH SARAH! I went to Costco TODAY and they had the chipotle bean burgers! I bought some immediately.
HI NICOLE! I’m happy you enjoyed that book, it really was a big reveal and interestingly done. Oprah does have a book club, I find her books are often quite different from all the others. I really can’t wait for your book and I’m glad ypur were not poisoned. 🙂
Thank you so much Anna – also thank you for the book recommendation. I did think “hmm…doesn’t this seem a bit overblown” and then WOW. That was really good, thank you!
That is not how I thought your story was going! I was guessing that your husband accidentally gave you real meat instead of a veggie burger (which I was kind of interested to know the affects of, since I have not eaten red meat in 23 years, and I’ve always wondered what would happen if I did.) I ALWAYS eat expired food as well (as long as it doesn’t smell off or is moldy) so this is a cautionary tale. Amazing Grace Adams seems like Where’d You Go Bernadette?, have you read that one? Also good!
Oh god, if he did that, well, the story would not have been fun to tell! As it is he always uses different utensils, etc., for meat and non-meat.
I did read Where’d You Go Bernadette, but it was a while ago, so maybe good for a reread (did she go to Antarctica or am I thinking of something else?)
I’m not sure about Oprah, but I fully expect your book to get the Reese Witherspoon stamp of approval. Maybe a limited TV series as well?
Outside from the very real discomfort you suffered (I hope you are fully recovered!), this story was hilarious and so well told. I love how it started in the garden with your MIL. Very Agatha Christie. I also approve of your stance on rhubarb. No thank you. I spend a lot of time wondering how people decided to taste various things. Mushrooms seem SO tricky, considering some will kill you and others will make you high. At least they grow above ground. I do not understand someone digging up a BEET and thinking it would be worth trying.
I still need to go through my freezer and toss some of the older things. I usually think, If it’s frozen, it’s FINE, which is clearly not the smartest approach.
Oh you are so sweet, thank you! Also, my god, why is rhubarb. JUST WHY IS RHUBARB. Also – yes – how did we get on mushrooms?
Hahahah on the beets, I don’t mind them if they are roasted or something but they just taste so much like dirt!
I’m going to go through my freezer after this story! I’m sorry you were sick, but glad you’re better now.
Rhubarb always makes me think of Laura in The First Four Years, where the first day of her marriage she has to make rhubarb pie, and she forgets the sugar. That’s where I learned that rhubarb is called ‘pie plant’.
I saw the movie ‘The Idea of You’ and it was fine. I wouldn’t pay to see it in a theater, but it was kind of cute. I think the age difference is a little less in the movie, but I’m not sure. I was very excited when I recognized the south of France, I felt very worldly.
Oh that’s right, pie plant!!
I have had a couple people say they enjoyed the movie, so I’m guessing it was better than the book!
Based on your excerpt, I would say yes, but that it doesn’t take much.
Forgot to mention that I loved Grace Adams!
Wow. Only you could tie in a light garden conversation with your mother in law with an accidental poisoning by your husband. Well, done you. This lands in the so funny/not funny category, and since you recovered I guess it is more funny than not. Rhubarb. I had no idea the leaves were poisonous. I don’t know that I’ve ever eating it, and I do think you make a good point – Why did someone decide this was a plant that could be eaten?
That book! What on earth. And it was made into a movie? You say people enjoyed reading that book? Well, if that doesn’t beat all. I am intrigued to read the Grace Adams one, because now I must know what the big reveals were.
Swim team is winding down over here. I love swim team for the structure and the social atmosphere. It’s been a great experience for our new girls. This is the last week for swim team, and I am ready to recapture my Tuesday and Thursday evenings and to not have to race to a swim practice at 6:50 am. All that to say, I think the relaxing part of summer is about to begin. Hooray.
Ernie, it sure was made into a movie and it’s very popular right now! Isn’t that something? Well, maybe the movie version is better.
I didn’t know you had kids on the swim team!
I’m so glad that you survived the poisoning, Nicole! How dreadful. I’m so happy that you’re working on a book and congratulations again on your first draft! How wonderful that your husband is so supportive, and I’m sure he feels awful about the accidental poisoning.
Your flowers are gorgeous!
Thanks so much Michelle! Well, it could have been way worse – there was no “expelling” of any kind, so I’m counting my lucky stars!
Your “poison” story made me think of Carol Shield’s novel “Larry’s Party”, (have you read the book?) where one of the characters accidentally kills her mother-in-law by serving contaminated home canned beans. I never canned before reading the book and have been too afraid to try since!
I’ve been following your blog for a few years because I enjoy reading your book reviews, some I have read and many I add to my TBR list, and your great way of telling your life stories. Congratulations on finishing the first draft of your own book!! How exciting and best of luck with publishing!
Hi Jacquie! Thank you so much for this lovely comment! And I have read Larry’s Party and forgot all about that! I have heard about botulism in home-canned tomatoes which makes me scared to try it too (although I’ve made jam, but that seems less deadly).
You told this story so well Nicole!! I was laughing and at the same time feeling so bad for you. Thank goodness you had ‘food poisoning lite”. Both my husband & I had FP in Mexico. First time for both of us and from different sources. He got it at a restaurant & I gave it to myself. He ended in hospital for 3 days and I was sick for weeks. Only a second round of antibiotics finally hit it. I never had the pregnant belly – too bad as I miss being preggers. I bet it was uncomfortable as heck. I bet your book will make Reese’s list!
I was lucky because I wasn’t deathly ill or even, um, expelling. But my stomach! I should have taken a photo and just silently posted it to see what congratulations would come my way!
OMG! That sounds awful! This weekend, I made pancakes for the first time in a long time and realized the syrup had expired in January. 😔
Your flowers are beautiful.
Oooh I have had maple syrup expire before, and it’s weird how it gets kind of…feathery?
The zinnias! The zinnias are for you! Well, and me too, but I think of you.
I just love that the zinnias are for me. 😘💕
Oof, while I hate throwing up, I had a bad scallop once and had the kind of food poisoning where you don’t expel and it was miserable. I am also a bit surprised that a veggie burger would cause sickness while frozen, even a few months expired. I recently discovered my vanilla was expired. Vanilla! I have never kept vanilla long enough to expire, I guess. No one believed me that it was bad too, until I made them taste it. It was BAD.
I feel the same about rhubarb! I always think I’m the only one, people seem so excited about it. It doesn’t taste good, it doesn’t chew easily, I just don’t see the upside.
You write the shit out of that book, sweetie. It’s shooting to the top of some awesome list, I know it!
See, that’s what I thought! A frozen veggie patty? That was less than a year old? How weird. Also, vanilla goes off?
There is no upside to rhubarb IMO!
(Did you change your blog settings? Because your post is coming up very weird on my ipad. I had to go to desk top to be able to read it comfortably. Strange!)
Count me as another who thought this post was going to be about the song! That sounds terrible! Although I usually take the food expiration dates as suggestions and have eaten plenty of things past their dates. And particularly, frozen products should last two years, so that was just weird.
That book (The Idea of You) sounds horrendous. Thank you for including the quotes, because now I will certainly remember WHY I should skip it, if I come across it at the library. I’ll look for Amazing Grace Adams.
I love rhubarb, but don’t eat it anymore due to the oxalates 🙁
I didn’t change my settings, how strange!
THANK YOU because I also thought that something frozen that I bought in August should not expire in December, but lesson learned, I guess.
Oh man, we have Lord knows what is in our freezer. Pretty sure we have things that we moved there from our last house five years ago. And wedding cake. We’ve been married 13 years. My Husband will tell you that I am less than exacting with expiration dates. I think of them as more like “guidelines”.
I’m glad you’ve thwarted your Husband’s plan to be rid of you.
That review of The Idea of You was hilarious. I was curious but I think you’ve managed to put in all the so bad they’re good bits and I’m now satisfied that I never need to read it myself. Thank you for your service.
Hahaha I did thwart him! I’m still here!
And you’re welcome, I live but to serve! No need to read the book now that I’ve summarized it.
And I thought your husband was one of the good guys. 😂 OMG. My friend; that sounds dreadful. I’m glad you got through it, but man who would’ve thought something frozen could do so much damage?
Like I said on Insta, I tried to watch The Idea of You and it was terrible. Made it 20 minutes max. I can’t believe you read the whole thing.
Amazing Grace Adams sounds right up my alley!
Hahaha one of the good guys indeed! That’s how they get you – they make you think they’re totally innocent, and BAM.
I also thought he accidently served you a hamburger. I am immediately relaying this cautious tale to my husband who figures, if it’s been frozen for 5 years it’s still fine (NO!).
Glad you are feeling better. And I gotta say, your mother in law and I think on the same wave length.
I’m a living cautionary tale!!
I adore rhubarb! I can only find it frozen here, so to have the opportunity to get fresh and then turn it down… oh my… we are different people. And that’s okay, of course.
Don’t know what to make of the bad veggie burger. I’m surprised, but not as much as you were, I suppose.
Well, there’s a solution, you can come and visit me and you can have alllll the rhubarb that you could pick! Although I will say the guys love it so it does get eaten BUT NOT BY ME.
I don’t think I’ve ever had rhubarb! I don’t like pie, though, so *shrug*
I’m glad you’re still here, even if your husband tried to poison you! And right after finishing your first draft. Come on! That sounds sooo unpleasant, though!
I couldn’t get through The Idea of You in book form but it was a cute movie.
I also don’t like pie! Solidarity! It’s a waste of good fruit IMO.
I’m still here! Thwarting my husband at every turn!