Recently my husband and I were at a birthday party for a friend; a video of that party was created and shared with me. I watched it, my eyes widening, and then I watched it again. I called my husband over to watch it with me. Do I really look like that? I asked, astonished. He nodded. All the time? He raised his eyebrows and said When you’re at a party, yes. All the time.
Friends, I looked like a maniac, an absolute maniac. My mouth is wide open in almost every shot, head thrown back, laughing. When I’m not laughing – and my son, in the kindest way, I’m sure, overheard me and my girlfriends on our deck one afternoon and said we were cackling like a coven of witches – I’m smiling maniacally with all my teeth showing, hugging people and throwing my arms around people and gesturing to people to get in the picture, and just generally touching people a lot.
What can I say, I love being around my girlfriends and also, apparently, touching people.
Recently Lisa (HI LISA) wrote about joy, and that post and the associated comments really made me realize two things: either I have a really low bar for what constitutes a joyful feeling, or I am an incredibly easily-delighted person. I think it’s probably a bit of both.
I think I was about ten when my grandma gave me Emily Climbs and Emily’s Quest for Christmas, and let me tell you, I identified so strongly with Emily Starr in a way I never had identified with any fictional character before. Of course, the other books I was reading at age ten were the Sweet Valley High series, and although I thought they were aspirational, in my heart of hearts I knew I wasn’t going to turn sixteen and suddenly become an All-American, blonde, blue-eyed, size six twin who drove a red Spider Fiat to school and dated the star of the basketball team, although I did want to be the editor of the school’s paper, had the school had a paper.
But Emily! I was so very Emily, and one of my most Emily traits was the flash. I absolutely experienced the flash, a feeling of awe and joy and overwhelm in the face of natural beauty; as a matter of fact, I experience it every single day. You might think that’s an easy thing, given that this is my view every morning:
But the truth is I have felt it my whole life, yes, even in Calgary, even on the greyest, beigest, windiest days. There was always something outdoors that was beautiful, and if that makes me sound like I’m constantly dancing around like Julie Andrews singing that the hills, streets, sidewalks, and backyards are alive with the sound of music, well, I’m not NOT like that.
I get a lot of joy out of being outside; let’s leave it at that.
But there are so many other things that bring me deep joy on a daily basis: talking to my boys and wondering how they became so insanely hilarious and wonderful, hanging out with my husband, and particularly travelling with him as he is an excellent travel companion, not to mention planner, Rex, who is the canine personification of pure unadulterated joy every minute of the day, unless we get caught in the rain and end up walking 3 kilometres in a downpour. Delicious food brings me great joy, as does a perfect cocktail or lovely glass of wine, reading or writing a moving sentence or paragraph, being in my garden, eating things from my garden, and that feeling when everything is perfectly hygge and cozy, everything tidy and in its place.
Music brings me joy, all kinds of music, whether I’m playing it myself or listening to it. I’ve constantly got a song in my head – hence my dancing around Julie Andrews-style all the live-long day – and the other day I had a sudden craving to listen to an album. Other than Aretha Franklin’s 30 Greatest Hits, I never listen to albums, only curated playlists, but here I was, suddenly and inexplicably desperate to listen to the Barenaked Ladies’ debut, Gordon.
That album, so unique and original, came out when I was in high school and listening to it I was instantly transported back to 1992, singing Hello City with my friend Tracy when we were in chemistry together (HI TRACY). It turns out I remember every single lyric to every single song, even the lesser-known, more obscure ones like Box Set. Disc one! It’s where we’ve begun. It’s all our greatest hits. And if you are a fan then you know that you already got ’em.
I was feeling weird and unsettled the week before and for days after I wrote about 1988, mostly due to unpleasant memories, but also because I did something I have never done before and never will do again: I googled two ex-boyfriends. I discovered that the one I was dating during the Gordon time frame is now an executive at Spotify, and the one from 1988 is now a film critic and acclaimed playwright. Who knew? Certainly not me, and before you get the wrong idea, I will never google another ex, because a) I mostly can’t remember their last names, and b) even if I could, I would probably discover something upsetting but maybe not surprising, like incarceration or death.
I mean, maybe not, maybe all these guys are just living regular lives, but I am not about to discover them. In any case, I was telling a friend – whose name, coincidentally, is Joy (HI JOY) – at the birthday party about my general feeling of unsettledness; she looked deep into my eyes and asked in the kindest, most compassionate way if it was because I was wondering about the path not taken. NO NO, OH MY GOD, NO. It wasn’t that at ALL, I have absolutely no regrets about the dynamiting of Walnut Grove, so to speak, I love my life and wouldn’t wish it any different. I didn’t realize what that feeling was until I listened to Gordon. I may not have liked you, oh but memory is a strange thing oh, Enid? Enid I remember you.
Weekly Reading
I have a WILD variety of books this week, and I loved them all.
Bird By Bird. “You’ve never read Bird By Bird?” Laura asked, shocked, when I told her what I was reading. (HI LAURA). I know! Better late than never to read this absolute gem of a book, full of wisdom and compassion for all those trying to live a creative life. A must for all writers!
Sandwich. First of all, I have loved Catherine Newman since her Bringing Up Ben and Birdy days, and a lot of this book evoked nostalgia. She is such an incredible writer. This book really captures the feeling of a menopausal woman, sandwiched between her aging parents and young adult children; it takes place during a week they are all vacationing together at Cape Cod. It involves family secrets and lies, the wild roller coaster of emotions and feelings from being together, and anxiety and joy that comes from family. So much of this was very resonant with me. I did not expect a main story line about reproductive health and rights, but I was very here for it. A few times, reading this, I felt like my heart was going to explode. It’s very moving and very beautiful.
Sociopath. This book was absolutely fascinating. I learned so much through this memoir of a woman who is a diagnosed sociopath. She details her struggles throughout life, the destructive ways she leaned into her sociopathy, and how doing things that society condemns – theft, stalking, breaking into houses, and even violence – allowed her to feel SOMETHING. It’s really an eye-opening and interesting read.
My husband was the main organizer of his 40th high school reunion, and the event was this past Saturday. Months ago, we were having dinner with another couple, and with regards to the reunion, the woman said to me “You’re going too, right?” When I said no, she reacted with a level of shock that was disturbing to me. She recommended, in the most serious way, that I just…go to the same location and, in her words, keep an eye on things. After I got over my surprise, I couldn’t help but feel sad for such a display of low self-worth and lack of trust in her own relationship. In any case, it sounds like a good time was had by all on Saturday, and I WAS a bit jealous, not due to any kind of romantic rekindling, but because my own 30th reunion didn’t happen due to a lack of interest. I hope by the time my 40th rolls around all that will have changed.
Happy last week of June, everyone! xo
Super interesting post, Nicole! Because I’ve been thinking lately how some people are hardwired for joy and others… aren’t. I definitely think you can cultivate it, but I also think people are born with their own baseline. There’s so much to complain about nowadays and so many things that we COULD be worrying about (ahem… upcoming election… oh wait you’re Canadian) that it’s refreshing to hear the viewpoint of, no, things are actually great! i love it.
I’ve heard of all three of the books you mentioned. I want to read the Anne Lamott one. And the Gagne book sounds super interesting!
You know what’s interesting, Jenny, in the last couple of years there is a Canadian law that you can’t share links from news sources (or, “news sources”) on social media, and so I have not seen hardly anything to do with the US election. In other years, my SM would have been flooded with things of that nature. I have to say, it’s good for the mental health, but also, I do worry about my American friends.
I love Anne Lamott so I’m glad you finally read her most famous book. I’ve never Googled old boyfriends, but I do get an alumni magazine in which I saw that my boyfriend, the one immediately before I met Z-D, had died. Left me feeling bereft in an odd way.
As for the “You’re going too, right?” comment, oh my. How insecure is that woman?
So insecure, Ally! Imagine living life that way?
I know, about the Lamott, where have I BEEN?
Oh, I am so glad you mentioned Sandwich! I thought I had pre-ordered it because I enjoyed We All Want Impossible Things so much, but I did not. Reading has felt a little sloggy lately, between a summer book club and a long-haul reading project, and I am looking forward to diving into something else for a few days.
Oh Jamie, it’s SO good, I love her writing so much!
So much to love about this post, Nicole… I’m so glad for your hard-wired joy and for how nature and music are sure journeys into glimmers for you. For sure, those two things + family and reading are what save me every single effing day!
I love that Lamott, I’m always preaching the title anecdote to everyone–students, kids, myself :). You’ve mentioned Catherine Newman a few times, and I really should get to that!
I googled someone I dated a couple of times once because their music was on the radio and we’d fallen out of touch, and learned on their Wikipedia page that they were in prison for child molestation. OMG, that made me feel so weird!! Never again!
I’ve gone to all of A’s HS reunions because we lived in his hometown 2007-2012 and all his friends became my friends. Do people usually not attend spousal reunions? It was would be sad to attend because you didn’t trust your spouse–but if it’s a fun party, I guess that’s… OK?
Oh Maya, I think you would really love Catherine Newman. She’s a brilliant writer and a strong advocate and ally, she is right up your alley. I love every single thing she’s put out in the world.
CHILD MOLESTATION. Ahhhhh! Well, that’s upsetting.
I can only speak to the reunion I went to (my 20th) and the ones my husband has, but all of them were “no spouses, just grads” so it wasn’t even an option. Which I think is better in our case, I didn’t want to worry if my husband was having a good time or anything, and also it allows the grads to catch up.
Reading _Sandwich_ right now and OMG, SO GOOD!
Also, Nicole–I read somewhere that CN likes to play a game called Viticulture… and thought it might be up your alley since you live on an actual vineyard :).
Oh yes, I have heard that – she is so amazing.
Such an interesting post, Nicole! I am not surprised that you are a very joyful person. I think it is in many people’s DNA. I think my “steady Eddie” state of life is also related to being on Lexapro to manage my anxiety. It really makes me stay in the belly of the bell curve of emotions in particular. It would be nice to experience more intense joy but it’s best for me not to experience the at-times debilitating anxiety that I would otherwise feel. I do think of myself as a person that is pretty easy to please, though. I have never been on a disappointing vacation (well, besides dealing with tough kid behavior and the decline of my grandmother while we were on vacation in April certainly impacted that trip significantly). I’m never really disappointed by a meal out because I am just so glad that someone else is preparing it and dealing with the dishes.
But my joy is very very quiet – probably more akin to maybe Anne of Green Gables? I think even w/out lexapro, I am a bit of a stoic at heart. And that isn’t a bad thing necessarily. I can’t change how I am wired. I do wish I was one of those more gregarious people but it is just not in my nature and that is ok!
Oof, that suggestion to sort of monitor your husband would make me feel so uncomfortable. Trust is so essential in a marriage. I’d happily send my husband to a reunion on his own but we are both decidedly “not reunion people.” For me, I do not want to revisit that stage of my life; for him, he’s rather see the people he wants to see in a smaller group setting versus seeing people he doesn’t care to see. But I can’t imagine feeling like I needed to monitor what he was doing at said reunion. Also, as a side note, my MIL grew up in Walnut Grove, MN! So I had to smile when you listed that location!
I like that you experience quiet joy, Lisa, it says so much about you! And I hear you about the vacations and the meals. I’m the same!
Your MIL grew up in Walnut Grove! That makes me so happy to know!
Thoughts!
I agree with Jenny that some people have a much lower threshold for experiencing joy. I think I’m somewhere in the middle, but I definitely have to look for it…in the sense that my default response to situations is pessimism or melancholy.
It made my heart smile to hear that every shot of you was one of delight and joy. How wonderful is that?!
I have a low bar, I think! I feel like I am a pretty easily-pleased person!
I just did a spit take at the idea that you need to go to your husband’s 40th high school reunion to keep an eye on him. What’s going on in that lady’s marriage????
Sigh, nothing good ever comes of googling someone but we all do it once in a while.
I feel like I know exactly what you look like in the video – happy, bubbly Nicole – and that I would look the same. I don’t know how it’s possible NOT to burst with joy at the good things that are everywhere. Yes I know it’s not all roses and puppies, which is all the more reason to take delight when roses and puppies come along.
Sociopath is going on the TBR!!!
THAT MARRIAGE IS NOT GOOD, BIRCHY!
I can’t wait until you are at Nicole’s B&B with your Snoop Dogg wine, we will be exploding happiness together all over the place.
I have got to read Bird by Bird, too.
I literally just wrote about this on someone else’s blog. My high school boyfriend died a couple of years ago (I could not determine if it was cancer or suicide), my college boyfriend has done well for himself and has a second home in Italy (we’re FB friends), and my grad school boyfriend teaches at a small school in Ohio and I hear about him through the grapevine with some frequency. I honestly can’t imagine a life with any of them and I’m so happy with where I am right now that I feel terrible for all of them that they can’t be with me. LOL. Although a second home in Italy would be nice…
Hahahah Engie, I love this comment!
When I saw the cover of the Sandwich book, I immediately thought of the town of Sandwich on the Cape, right near where I grew up, so I was happy to hear it was about a CC vacation – I’ll have to read it 🙂
Gosh I know that unsettling feeling when I’ve looked up old friends or flames…and I won’t do it anymore either. I think it just messes up the natural order of life. People are supposed to come and go into our lives for a different reason or season and being able to google them shifts everything on its axis and my tummy feels it.
Colleen, I’m going to be honest – I’m not sure if that book is for you or not. There is a pretty big side story about reproductive rights, and I’m not sure that is your jam or not. I’m just giving you the warning, but maybe it is your jam, and I’m wrong!
You know, you’re exactly right. That is exactly how I’m feeling: ” I think it just messes up the natural order of life. People are supposed to come and go into our lives for a different reason or season and being able to google them shifts everything on its axis and my tummy feels it.”
I LOVE that you are hardwired for joy, that you laugh with your head thrown back and your mouth wide open! You must be the most fun person to hang out with, and I’m so glad there are people like you in the world!
ROAD TRIP TO MONTANA!!! (I wish, maybe one day though!!! It’s not far!)
When we were first starting family therapy we all had to rank how we valued different things and everyone was surprised how high I rated pleasure. But I didn’t mean anything hedonistic, just that I work to make sure there’s pleasure in every day, whether that’s noticing beauty on my daily walk or drinking coffee and reading the newspaper or a book on the porch.
I like knowing Aretha’s 30 Greatest Hits is your favorite album. I will think of you now when I listen to the Queen of Soul. And that will bring me a little bit of joy.
I love that about you, Steph, I am a huge believer in the little pleasures that come about in a regular day. Right now I’m drinking coffee out of a pretty mug my aunt gave to me, and it just makes me happy.
Aretha is my all-time favourite! I love her.
I guess Beth and R are the same age, or pretty close!
p.s. Beth’s 40th h.s. reunion is this year, too, she and Rob must be the same age.
Another relatable post!!! I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart . . . 🙂 But I do not want to see pictures of myself laughing, especially drunk laughing! For me, everything about summer brings me joy: flowers, the feel of the sun on my skin, patio dining, JUST being able to walk outside without a coat, music with the windows rolled down. Everything about it brings me joy. But BNL brings me joy year round!
I’ve gone down the rabbit hole of googling old flames. One of my college boyfriends died a few years ago. I was on a road trip with my husband, passing through BF hometown and I decided to google to see if his parents still lived on the same street. And then HIS obit appears. He had passed away just a few weeks prior. I was shocked. I recently discovered that the first boy I ever kissed had died of cancer about 10 years ago. Stuff you’d never know without the internet. Sigh.
My husband didn’t go to my 30th reunion. After the 20th, we both sort of decided it was dumb to keep introducing him to people he would never talk to again, and it sort of put a damper on the fun, having to worry about keeping him entertained. He never goes to his (his HS friends still get high and golf all weekend, so he doesn’t have much in common with them anymore).
I just finished Swan Song by Elin Hilderbrand. Her last Nantucket book she will ever write. I’m really going to miss those summer reads.
Bijoux, I thought of you while listening to BNL because I know you love them too! I am also a real Summer Girl, I just love that season!
Oh boy, sometimes googling does NOT treat a person well! Some information is best left unknown, the past left in the past.
It wasn’t even an option for me to go to the reunion, or my husband to my 20th, it was a “no-spouses” party, and I was just fine with that!
I love Hildebrand!
When I think about joy, I think of you. I had to laugh at how you described yourself in the video. I believe that could also be a description of me in a video. I have tried to make my joy less evident over the years. This makes me sad. But this post made me feel very seen. Thank you for that.
Bird by Bird was one of the first books I read for soul homework. Such a great book.
I have no idea what’s going on with my high school boyfriend because I don’t have Facebook and he isn’t on Google. But I think it’s pretty cool that both of your ex-boyfriends have exciting jobs.
Well, those ex-boyfriends do – I am really not sure as to the others, but hey, people can surprise you!
I think a lot of people shrink themselves and hide their lights, you wouldn’t have been alone in that, but I’m glad you are letting it all shine now, my friend. xo
I love this, Nicole! You seem like a very joyful person and I loved reading about the things that fill you with joy. As I said on Lisa’s post, I feel like the most joy I get is from the most mundane things — well, not that one’s offspring or spouse, or anything in the natural world are truly MUNDANE — but, like, watching my kid shriek with glee while my husband tries to keep a frisbee away from her… or spotting a ladybug on my strawberry leaf… or when my daughter slips her hand into mine while we’re on a walk. You know. THAT kind of mundane.
The description of you in the video sounds wonderful, Nicole. Just wonderful. It is a joy to know you and to read your posts and I am guessing everyone you know feels the same. <3
I love those mundane things! I think they are so joy-bringing!
I’m reading an Anne Lamott right now, too!! I’m reading Some Assembly Required: A Journal of My Son’s First Son. Which prompted me to also get Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son’s First Year.
I pre-ordered Sandwich so I got it on Opening Day…and I cannot read it. I have to save it. (I also still have Ann Patchett’s new one on my Can’t Read It Yet pile.)
I have added Sociopath to my to-read list—MANY items of which have been because of YOU! We have a nice big overlap in our reading tastes, I think.
Oh Swistle, Sandwich is so good, you are going to love it! I love that our reading tastes overlap. I always meant to read Operating Instructions but I haven’t – I’ll have to read the other one you mention.
I think it’s great that you find joy in so many things. I love that the photos abd videos caught you fully enjoying the gathering and the people in attendance.
My roomie from college married my senior year college boyfriend. Ha. They did not start dating until a few years after college. We do not see each other often because of living very far away from each other.
It makes me so sad that this woman feels so insecure and that she assumed you did too. That would make for a challenging existence. I often wonder, who would have the energy for flirting or attempting to build a relationship/cheat while married. Mind blowing.
I have not read bird by bird. I have not even heard of it. I think all of these books sound interesting.
Hahaha I understand what you’re saying – especially in your case, Ernie? WHO HAS THE TIME? OR ENERGY? Ha!
That’s so funny about your roomie and your old boyfriend. One of my old boyfriends also married a former friend of mine!
Even without the description of you in the video; that is EXACTLY how I imagine you to be at a party! The one person that shares the joy with everyone around her.
That poor woman who suggested that you need to keep an eye on things at the reunion. The trust issues that she must have is heartbreaking.
Thanks Gigi! And yes, how sad is that, so little trust!
I loved Bird by Bird – we read it in book club many years ago. I love most things by Anne Lamott, and enjoyed her on Twitter before I quit Twitter. I have that Sociopath book on my list.
I get you about the joy! I’m a whiny depressive malcontent a lot of the time, but thanks to my kids and my friends I also laugh a lot, and even when I’m depressed I always kind of feel like this quote I copied down once that “we’re so lucky – we get to be alive”. And the whole music thing – I can never predict which genre of song is going to grab my psyche in its teeth, which is why everyone thinks my music taste is erratic and weird.
I know! I love so many different kinds of music as well. YOU CAN’T PIN US DOWN.
Once you said to me “We get to be us, but she has to be her” and I think of that often!
And the reunion thing – remember in my last post where I insisted by husband go to a high school (ish) reunion without me ON MY BIRTHDAY? I trust him (and also love his Titanium status, thank-you honey!)
That Titanium status! What a bonus!
Oh I am really relating to these posts Nicole. And talking about reunions, I just realized it has been 30 years for me this year. I just… don’t know where time goes… 🙂
My 30th was last year and I was so disappointed it didn’t happen!
I want to go to a party with you! I have ready Bird by Bird and am on the list for Sandwich— adding Sociopath right now 🙂
I too can’t imagine having a relationship where I’d be concerned about him going somewhere without me. That is crazy town.
My friend you are JOY personified and what a bright light that is in this world where so many people can be so unhappy. I too find joy in music, nature, my people, my dogs. In photos, my mouth is usually wide open in laughter; I’m lucky I’ve not swallowed a fly yet.
Imagine the two of us in a room together! Possibly we have swallowed flies and just not realized it? Let’s hope not!
Now I’m wondering how many calories in a fly? 🤔
I love so many things in this post:
– your ability to feel joy “easily” is a gift
– I’d totally google my ex- if I can remember their names. I mostly had long term dating and I know what they do. the short ones i can’t even remember their name, much less last name
– I don’t go to my husband’s reunions or friends meet up, for the same reason as you.
– sandwich! i will totally read it! just blog about it too.
Hahaha I am so glad I’m not the only one who can’t remember old boyfriends’ names!
I had to laugh about dynamiting Walnut Grove, thank you for that! I am going to borrow that metaphor in my own life I think. There are a few Walnut Grove’s in my past as well.
I have maybe read an Anne Lamott book? Way back when we got a physical newspaper, she had a column that I LOVED. So I’m familiar, I love her writing, just not sure if I’ve read any of her books.
I love your joy. Sometimes I feel it, sometimes I don’t. This morning I had an especially peaceful walk. There is a park nearby with a large pond, and I stopped to see if there were any visible turtles. I turned off my audiobook and watched the dragonflies buzz around, and saw the reflection of the clouds, and listened to the bird song. It was a good way to start my day. I may do it again tomorrow.
Oh that sounds so lovely, J! I usually have a podcast on when I’m walking, but sometimes I’ll just turn it off to listen to the world.
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Sorry, testing something with WordPress blogs… I’ll be back! 🙂
Can I just say that, from your posts on your blog (for the short time I’ve been reading), this does not surprise me. Your joy at life comes through plainly. I am someone who feels joy often, but quietly, I’m fairly reserved, but have a low bar for delight. Absolutely agree regarding time in nature.
I have not googled previous boyfriends, mainly because I still have some passing contact with them through aquaintances or can’t remember their surnames.
Thanks Melissa, what a nice thing to say! I like that we both have low bars for delight.
As other said, not surprised one bit about you being a vey joyful person! And you bring US, your readers, joy by writing. So, keep’em coming.
Thanks so much Daria!
I could have sworn I commented on this post… but maybe I just had time to read it and then wanted to come back and comment but never did… either way: I love this post, Nicole. I love that you’re such a joyful person and I do hope to meet you one day and see you smile and cackle and hug people 🙂 You seem so genuine to me.
I think some people are more hardwired to feel joy than others – you seem to be a person that can look at the bright side of life (I am too), others tend to focus on the negative. Be thankful that you’re able to experience joy in such a natural way… it makes life so much richer.
I can tell that you’re hardwired for the positive as well, San! I love that! Thank you.