I was so nostalgic the other day when I saw a woman with two young children in the produce section. It brought me back to grocery shopping with the boys, something I genuinely enjoyed: counting out the apples, picking out strawberries, pretending to tickle them with cucumbers. I smiled at the warm memories and then was jolted out of them when I saw them again at an adjacent checkout line to mine, where one of the children was hysterically screaming and the other one kept saying “Mommy, I need to go potty. Mommy, potty. MOMMY.”
The little girl kept screaming and screaming, her shrieks and sobs echoing through the store. The old lady in front of me in line turned to me. “That kid needs attention! She’s been bawling for this whole time I’ve been here!” she said sharply, and I was actually relieved because in the millisecond before she spoke I thought she was going to say that the child needed a spanking or something, and then it would have been a whole thing. As it was, I didn’t love her tone.
I looked up to see the mother, carrying her still-screaming daughter and pushing the cart full of groceries and her son towards the really gross public washroom. I looked at the old lady and said mildly, “Wow, that mom has her hands full. I feel for her. It’s hard to be a mom.” And then I smiled, and did not break eye contact, in an only slightly-psychotic way. The woman gave a little huff and turned back to her groceries.
In my semi-recent Ask Me Anything, Suzanne (HI SUZANNE) asked Besides people who don’t put their shopping carts away, what are some of your top pet peeves? Suzanne knows me well and rogue grocery carts are definitely number one on my pet peeve list, followed by the statement of opinions as facts, particularly, or maybe even exclusively, negative opinions. Also on my list is when people judgmentally cannot empathize with the plights of other people, tied with the inability to feel joy in other’s happiness or success.
I think this last point has to do with the patriarchy in which we all reside, which dictates that there is only so much room at the table, that a limited amount of women are allowed success in the same area, that life is a zero-sum game in which to succeed, someone else must fail. And honestly, it makes me sick. It makes me even more sick to think that I have, on occasion, bought into this idea in the past, and I have had to work to overcome it.
As an example, back when I worked for YMC as a vegan food blogger, there was an independent Canadian vegan food blogger who, at the time, was achieving great success. She was publishing cookbooks to many accolades, and I will tell you now that I did not feel a glow of happiness for her success. I could appreciate the beauty of her cookbooks, I talked about them positively to my friends, yes, but secretly I harboured many negative thoughts about them. They’re too complicated! I would think. There’s too many obscure ingredients! I would also think, ominously, She’s not THAT great.
Recently I read On Our Best Behaviour, and the section about Envy really recalled those feelings. The author suggested that rather than make envy a poison that eats away at us, women could use the feeling to light the way to the things we want in the world. Instead of tearing each other down – even mentally, maybe especially mentally – we could use envy to our benefit. I’ll have what she’s having.
And the truth is, if I had really wanted that kind of success, I would have had to sacrifice a lot of time, money, and energy to get it, and those sacrifices I was not at the time willing or able to make. That woman worked really hard to get where she was and perhaps if I had channeled all my energies the way she did, I could have had a chance at a similar level of success. But I didn’t, and that’s perfectly fine.
San (HI SAN) asked what is your best personal quality, and right now I think that it is my ability to see myself clearly and make changes when necessary. I think we all are much more malleable than we think we are, and if we want to make changes in ourselves and in our lives we can. It is a fallacy to say this is just who I am, this is just my personality, because although we are all born with personalities and tendencies, and our life experiences exacerbate those personalities and tendencies, for better or worse, we CAN change things we don’t like.
I think it’s pretty common to have a who does she think she is, she’s not that great feeling towards other women. After all women – particularly, I think, of my generation and older – have been indoctrinated since infancy to instinctively dislike and discount other women who are prettier, younger, thinner, or more successful, in whatever metric “success” is measured, and honestly, it’s really distasteful to me, especially when it’s inside me. I don’t blame myself or anyone else; we were raised in a society that made us believe that life is a finite pie and we all have to compete for our slice. I have worked very hard to overcome that conditioning; now when I see a woman who is thriving I automatically think Wow! She’s incredible! rather than She’s not THAT great, and I’m proud of that, to answer Engie’s (HI ENGIE) question what is something you’re proud of?
Elisabeth (HI ELISABETH) asked what was the best and the hardest decision you made in 2023 and this question stumped me for a while. I experienced a great deal of change in 2023, but all of the decisions relating to those changes came much earlier. I realized the answer the other day, when I thought about how I dealt with the changes. There was a months-long period last year when I genuinely thought I might have a nervous breakdown. It wasn’t until I made a mental shift wherein I said to myself that this is my life, I choose how to respond to my life, and, to quote Desiderata, whether or not it is unclear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. That decision, to choose how to respond to everything out of my control, was the best decision I could have made. It was also the hardest, at least the hardest to achieve.
Weekly Reading
Roman Stories. Right off the bat, I have to tell you that I am absolutely fascinated by and in total admiration of people who not only speak more than one language, but write in it too. Jhumpa Lahiri, an author I deeply admire, moved to Rome, learned Italian, wrote these stories in Italian, and then translated them to English. I mean, what. How. Anyway, I love short stories and these are so good, showcasing the ordinary but extraordinary lives of people living in Rome, a variety of people from a variety of backgrounds. She mainly focuses on the immigrant experience in Rome, and the daily hardships, big and small, that people face in everyday life.
My Brilliant Friend. Another Italian book, this one courtesy of Engie and the Cool Blogger’s Book Club. I voted for this book as a friend had read it and loved it; I cannot say I loved it, but I did have a pretty interesting experience with it. At first, I found it hard to read; I think that if you read this book at face value, it is a terrible slog, at least in my view. But if you read this as a symbol of post-World War II Italy, it becomes a very interesting tale of a nation’s growth. Each character I thought of as a symbol of a part of Italy: Elena, education and scholastic achievement, Lila, the fashion industry. The neighbourhood in Naples where the book takes place is dominated by the grocer’s family, symbolic of Italian food exports, and by the owners of the bar/ pastry shop, who symbolize, in my view, the mafia. There is also the gentle Antonio – the automobile industry – and the Sarratore family – arts and poetry. I found that reading this book in this way, with an eye to symbolism, was interesting, whereas when I did not read this way, it was boring and confusing. As it was, I was incredibly grateful for the list of characters at the beginning of the book, because there was no way I could keep them all straight and remember who everyone was and how they were connected. As it was, even up to the end I was thinking wait, who’s Ada? Who’s Nino again? And those were pretty main characters, the fact that I was constantly forgetting who they were and what they were doing there is telling.
The Five-Star Weekend. After her husband dies suddenly, an Internet famous woman decides to host what’s known as a five-star weekend: a girl’s weekend with four friends from different stages of her life. Pandemonium ensues, as would be expected with five women with secrets, various pasts, and current stresses. Listen, let’s not overthink this. It’s just a fun, light, fluffy beach read that will probably make you hungry with all the food descriptions. Next beach vacation I’m downloading more from this author. It’s candy in book form, in the best way.
Thank you to everyone who submitted questions to my Ask Me Anything; I am in the midst of answering them all, and I welcome anyone who still has a question to submit it. In the meantime, have a beautiful week, friends. xo
Wow, I like your take on My Brilliant Friend. I also had trouble keeping all the characters straight but it didn’t ruin the book for me. I really liked it.
In my youth… let’s say all the way up through my 20s, I was constantly tearing other women down. Mostly mentally, but there were plenty of snarky comments that escaped too. Then I read something- and I can’t even remember exactly what it was- but the gist of it was, women need to band together in strength, and I had an epiphany. I realized what I had been doing, and I understood it all stemmed from my own insecurities. Every once in a while I’ll still catch myself doing it, and stop myself. There’s enough for everyone, no one else’s success takes away from mine. Great post as usual, Nicole!
Jenny, yes, I find any time I am internally critical, it has to do 100% with something about myself that I don’t like or my own insecurities! Our initial reflexive responses aren’t always the best, but we can choose how we can respond after that initial one.
Thank you so much! xo
Oh, Nicole! Thanks so much for your meditation on envy, hearing you process that really helped me today. (I was left off an international panel I thought I was going to be invited to and I feel I belong on, and I’m trying not to take it personally.) I love the mindfulness of your responses and am trying to practice it myself.
And–on behalf of all of us who have been overwhelmed in public places motherhood or not–thank you also for that response to the grumpy lady!
Was the Jhumpa Lahiri merely “meh”?
Maya, no, the Lahiri book was really good! I liked it a lot. The stories were all great and some were astonishingly good.
I am so sorry you were left off of the panel – their loss, of course, but that’s a hard thing to have happen.
Glad to hear that, Nicole! I’ve been looking forward to reading it…
We read My Brilliant Friend in book club a long time ago, so long I don’t remember it very well. I recall liking it but I didn’t go on to finish the series so I must not have loved it.
I get nostalgic seeing mothers with small children too and I find myself fantasizing more about grandchildren than I probably should because there’s no telling when or if that might happen, but I can’t seem to make myself stop.
STEPH I UNDERSTAND! I mean, neither of my boys is in a relationship (that I know of) but sometimes I think about my maybe-possibly-who knows future as a grandma.
I was meant to read this today, as I embark on an extremely busy week and feeling overwhelmed. So my mantra will be, ‘choose how to respond to this.’ Envy is a green eyed monster and rears his ugly head and this got me thinking.
And so many cheers to you for staring down the grumpy old lady. Motherhood IS hard, why can’t we all support each other!! 💕
Thanks so much Anna, and I am glad to be of service! I will say that choosing how to respond is not always easy because our initial response might not be what we want it to be. But we can change!
I love this so much Nicole. It is so important to lift each other up – not just because it’s kind and altruistic, but because it buoys our own spirits too! I love your suggestion to turn envy into motivation. Such a good way to look at it. And so incredibly difficult, right?!?! Thank you for answering my question.
Also I get a huge kick out of you staring down that grouchy woman. Empathy!!!! Not that hard, people!
That Hildebrand book sounds fun! I am going to see if I can download it now.
It does buoy our own spirits, you are so right! As Moira said, when one of us shines, we all shine! AM I MOIRA NOW? I could really use her wig collection.
Did you know that Hildebrand went to the Iowa Writers Workshop? She’s the real deal. Love this, and you give wonderful advice. We have all been the mom at the grocery store, and I love the idea of choosing how to respond from the place you are, instead of wasting time imagining being in a different place. So wise!
I did not know that, but wow, she has had some writing success! So many books to her name! I find her writing refreshingly fun. It’s just nice to read something nice, you know? I’d binge her but I want to save some for my next vacation.
Bravo for speaking up for that poor mom to the huffy lady. Whether it made any difference who knows, but that’s up to Ms. Huff.
My poor little brain just couldn’t keep up with MBF, but I voted it for and would have gotten to it at some point on my own, so I don’t regret getting to hang out with the cool kids and have enjoyed hearing everyone’s thoughts. I’ve never read Elin Hilderbrand but if I’m all about getting my candy in book form, so you’ve convinced me that I need to check her out!
She has a HUGE list of titles to her name, and although I have only read two, they have both been absolutely delightful.
I’m an Elin fan, and I think you will like her Winter series and Paradise series. I usually read some nonfiction or war themed book, then need a Hildebrand book as a cleanser, then go back to the horrifying ones again 🙂
I like the idea of using her books as a palate cleanser! They are so delightful. I read another of hers and it had the most lovely little ghost in it, which is not my usual thing but I was here for it!
I’m glad the woman in line didn’t suggest spanking the wailing child. I don’t know what I’d have done but it’s something to think about. People are quick to criticize something they may know little, or nothing, about. That’s my pet peeve.
Ally, I hear you! It’s so easy to criticize, but harder and more worthwhile to empathize.
You are wonderful to read on a Monday morning. It was lovely to tell that to the older woman. What you did for that young mother (even though she didn’t hear you) felt very much like women standing up for themselves. I also considered that older woman’s lack of support during her early motherhood (if she was a mother), which could explain why she made the comment. PATRIARCHY. Also? PERSPECTIVE. You, my friend, are good for our souls. 😘❤️
Ohhh that is such a good point! A lack of support – yes! Well, that would explain a lot!
And thank you so much, I feel the same way about you. xo
😘❤️
I loved your comments about My Brilliant Friend because I have to tell you I’ve tried to pick up that book twice and gave up pretty quickly, always wondering what I was missing-everyone else raved about the book. I’m not sure your persuaded me to try to read it again, but your way of reading it was compelling and inspiring.
Thank you, Laura! I wish I had thought to read it that way from the start – better late than never though!
I’m enjoying MBF – and your thoughts about it added to my enjoyment.
It’s fun to see what people asked you and how you responded. The quote from Desiderata has helped me through a few tough times, including now! Lately, I’ve felt like women are more compassionate towards each other. Maybe it’s getting older? I’m not sure, but it feels like attitudes are changing for the better. I sure hope so!
Michelle, I think you’re right, and I don’t know if it is a “getting older” thing but it sure might be. As we gain life experience, I think we can be gentler on everyone – including ourselves. Desiderata has helped me immensely in my life and I think about one part or another of it every day!
I love MBF and I can’t say that I’m not disappointed that everyone else didn’t love it, too. BUT. I also think that disagreeing about it has led to some great discussions and I’m happy that people, like you, powered through even if they didn’t like it.
My #lifegoals is to think “how amazing” instead of being critical. I have been working for literal years on changing my mindset and it is getting better, but my brain’s default is always sort of negative and mean and then I have to have a talk with my brain about why it did that. It’s a constant internal battle with my own self-doubt, but I do really believe that a rising tide lifts all ships and I need to do better about encouraging everyone even if it’s just in my brain!
Where did I just read that the first thought we have is from what we’ve been conditioned to think, and the second thought can be what we want to think? I can’t remember if someone said that on a blog or what but I love it!
That is FASCINATING and I am going to be thinking about that forever now!
Wow, I love that! I am going to be ruminating on what that means for me. Thanks for sharing!
I’m so glad you loved MBF and thank you so much for running another successful book club! I didn’t love it but in the end I appreciated it and I’m glad I read it.
I think we often have our own internal battles and I’m so proud of YOU for working on your own mindset! It can be SO hard to go against a life of conditioning.
I fantasize about giving everyone a shot of empathy, just boom and they suddenly can see themselves in someone else’s shoes. I suppose there would be unintended consequences one way or another, but I hate to see people be so judgy like that woman.
I always think it’s strange when someone older is mean and judgy – like, haven’t they enough life experience to think that someone might be having a terrible day? But maybe some people just cannot be empathetic.
I, too, try to share empathetic views of behavior with chatty folks in lines who are leaning more into the petty side – please know you aren’t the only stare down-er out there!
Keep staring and shining, Lindsay!
I feel nostalgic seeing young moms with youngsters at the grocery store too. You raise a very good point – there’s enough room at the table. I had a friend who I gradually distanced myself from, because her jealousy was difficult to be around. No one could do something well, if she hadn’t done it herself. She was so competitive. She treated some women one way (crappy, bossy, etc.) while she brown nosed and kissed up to others in hopes of being accepted by them, I guess. No clue, but I lost interest in keeping her as a friend. I’ve often thought about writing a post called ‘With friends like these’, because I have crossed paths with women over the years who cannot celebrate others or appreciate where they are in their life. Goodness. Life is hard enough.
It’s very true, Ernie, and sometimes I think that it is a stage of life that we go through. I find that if I can think empathetically, then I can give people the benefit of the doubt, even when I’ve had bad interactions with them. Not always, of course! But I think people can grow and change.
I wish I was better about standing up in this way when people say something nasty. Usually I just give an awkward laugh and avert my eyes, and it’s only a few hours later that I think about what I *should* have said. Just today, I had to listen to my maintenance man say really heinous things about POC while he was working in my bathroom… and all I did was laugh awkwardly!!! I HATED WHAT HE SAID, but I didn’t really know HOW to respond to such awful things. UGH.
I love your outlook on life, Nicole. We could all do better to have empathy for our fellow person.
It’s hard to know how to react in the moment, particularly if someone is working on your house. I had a guy fixing my toilet in our Calgary house who started talking about how “he didn’t believe in this whole Covid thing” and honestly, what was there to do? The guy was fixing my toilet and you don’t fuck with the guy who is fixing your toilet. So I just asked if he wanted a cup of coffee and vamoosed to the kitchen. Sometimes it’s really hard to know how to do it – often, when someone is saying nasty things is to just lock eyes with them and say nothing until they stop talking. No response, just a stare. It really works!
Parenting is SO HARD. And, to be stereotypical (BECAUSE THE WORLD WORKS IN STEREOTYPES), it is especially hard for women. I imagine if the child was crying and a father was in tow, the woman in line would have been sympathetic, made funny faces at the child to distract them, offered to help in some way etc.
I try to let struggling parents know I have been there and it is hard and a screaming child in the checkout is NOT A REFLECTION AS YOUR ABILITY TO PARENT. I often say something like “I’ve had the exact same sort of day.”
Maybe because the little years were so draining and exhausting for me, but I feel like I just want to cry everytime I see a mom struggling in a situation like that.
I have little pangs of longing for those days (Kae just wrote about something similar), but then I remember how damn hard it all was…
Elisabeth, you are so right. It would be 100% different if it was a father. In fact, the father would probably be praised for “babysitting.” GAHHHHHHHH FURY.
Parenting IS hard! There are many ups and downs and I try to send struggling parents “out in the wild” at the very least, good vibes. We’ve all been there, and if we haven’t, well, then something else is coming down the pipe!
I love your take on My Brilliant Friend. That would have never occurred to me!
I liked the book, but maybe that’s because I was ‘in it’ with the crew. Who knows!? The most difficult part of that book was keeping up with ALL the characters and their fluid names.
I’m gonna look into the Candy book too; this looks good.
I agree, we should have empathy for our compatriots; other mothers struggling. It’s not easy and who knows what is really happening with the child or the mom.
Their fluid names! Yes! So many nicknames, thank goodness for the cast of characters at the beginning. I was CONSTANTLY referencing it!
I must have missed your post about AMAs. I enjoyed learning more about you. I agree that getting older gives us more confidence about ourselves.
I’ll submit more questions to the form.
I used to get jealous of other people’s success, lifestyle, but less so as I got older because I know everything comes with a cost, and I’m not willing to give up my family tie, nor my hobbies time, to advance professionally, not that bad anyway, so then I feel I am not missing anything, but it was my choice to not do more in those areas.
Coco, yes, everything comes with a cost, and the question is – are we willing to pay it to get x thing? I totally agree!
Thanks for all your questions!
I really enjoyed this thoughtful post! Your opening, about the mom with young kids, reminded me of a couple of grocery store instances in my life. One was when I stupidly decided to take my daughter to the grocery store when she was about 10 days old, and left my husband at home to study in peace. (He was working on his PhD, and a newborn in the house was making it pretty tough to study for his big exam coming up) He offered to go with me, I said no. I was wearing her in a sling, all went well, until I had my cart 1/2 way unpacked, and of course then she woke up and started screaming, she was hungry. A woman in front of me offered to hold her for me, so I could unload my cart, but I wasn’t about to give my baby to a stranger. The woman behind me unloaded my cart for me, and I put my finger in her mouth to calm her, then fed her when I got out to the car. I got home and told my husband the harrowing story, and he worried about my finger in her mouth, grocery store germs and all, and I felt criticized (hormones!) and started crying. Sigh. God bless those two women, though, trying to help me as best they could.
My second story is years later, maybe 10 years later, and I was at the grocery store sans family, and a woman came running into the store, frantic. She had just locked her newborn (and her phone, if she had one…they weren’t as ubiquitous then as they are now) into her car, and needed us to call 911. It was a warm day but thankfully not dangerously so. Someone called for her so she could go back out to the car and be with her kid, and a jackass in line said something about how some women are not fit to be parents. I’ll bet he never made a mistake in his life, and never tried raising a kid on a serious lack of sleep. Ugh. I was too shocked to call him on it, but after he left we all vented about what a heartless man he was.
Your wisdom on choosing how to react to ones life circumstances is lovely. This is indeed my life, and parts of it are beautiful, and parts of it suck. And a lot of daily stuff in between (some beautiful, some suckage). I can choose how to deal.
Who is that man, let’s find him. WE RIDE AT DAWN!
Oh, J, I remember those days when we were just EXHAUSTED and the baby was crying and even when people tried to be helpful, it felt like a judgement. Probably it wasn’t! But it feels different in the moment. I also remember one of my babies had a soother attached to one of those clips, and he didn’t use it very much, he would suck for a moment and then it would drop out of his mouth. He wasn’t crying or anything, and he was little enough to be in one of those carrying car seats in the shopping cart. Anyway, someone walked over and said “oops, he lost his soother” and put it in his mouth. All I could think of was GERMS GERMS GERMS that this stranger touched his soother – which he didn’t need – and put it in my precious tiny baby’s mouth. So this really brought me back to that!
I love Jhumpa Lahiri. I liked the Elin HIlderbrand book I read – having five people from different stages of your life to stay seems like a not-very-fun week-end, honestly. Have them stay at different times, maybe. I know, I know, the narrative needs to proceed.
I always think of the thing where the first thing you think indicates what you were taught (or socialized into by the patriarchy) and the second is who you really are. It’s almost funny sometimes how guilty I feel over something I only thought fleetingly – it can be so hard to overcome those unconscious biases. Usually I know now that if I can’t be happy for someone else’s success it is more about how I am feeling about myself than anything about them. In that case, I try to fake it until I make it.
True, the narrative needs to proceed, but I found myself thinking about gathering people from different stages of my own life and…it did not seem like a great idea.
What I find interesting is that I bet that some of the people who are harrumphing the lady, or making snide comments like the man Julie mentioned, are probably the very same ones who are listening to their music out loud on the hiking trails, or taking a (non-headphone) Facetime call in a public place. It is strange how we can see other people’s so called faults so clearly, yet be so ignorant of our own.
Re Elin, I swear I have read something by her; she seems so familiar! However, I checked my GR ratings and I have never rated a book of hers, so now I am not sure. That kind of book is exactly what I need right now, as my brain is going in so many directions that I cannot focus on a more serious book!
People who listen to their music out loud on hiking trails are so strange to me! Why…just why? I once had a child next to me on a plane play video games on his iPad…with no headphones.
I’ve read everything from Hilderbrand, and you’re right, it’s like candy. So good, without being cheesy.
I used to be able to read novels in French, after taking the language for 7 years. I’ve lost most of that ability, but I still love to see one or two sentences or phrases thrown in to books I read. BTW, I just finished I’m Glad My Mother Is Dead. I think you hated it? I actually didn’t mind it. It was very disturbing, but I though she was a good writer. This came after me reading the Britney Spears memoir, which seemed to be written by a 12 year old with ADHD. I do feel sorry for her, but it was so poorly written.
I didn’t hate it, but it was sold to me as being “hilarious” and I did not think it was funny in the least. It was terribly, terribly sad.