Before she was part of the Real Housewives franchise, Carole Radziwill wrote a really excellent memoir entitled What Remains, which I have read many times. There is a part in the book where she and her husband’s cousin, who is none other than JFK Jr (spoiler alert, everyone dies around her), have a discussion about marriage. They have a theory that in a successful marriage there is one Gardener and one Flower; it’s possible a marriage could work with two Gardeners, but never with two Flowers.
I have thought about this theory approximately one million times since first reading this book in 2006.
I am, of course, a literal Gardener; it’s almost actual gardening season around here, and we have SO much to do, to plan, to plant. But I have always believed that, in the Carole Radziwill and JFK Jr context, I am also a figurative Gardener. I am a nurturing, mother-hen type of person who likes to make sure loved ones are special and cared for. That said, my husband is not really a Flower, so I have always thought that we are one of those double-Gardener marriages.
Except sometimes, I think I am a Flower, or, at least, I’m turning into one.
The area in which my Flower-ness becomes most apparent is in travel, or more specifically, travel planning. I love to travel, I love to see new things and have new experiences. I love it all! What I don’t love, however, is dealing with the logistical details. I am capable of dealing with logistical details – I can and have in the past booked flights and hotels and activities – but I find it boring and tedious.
Someone who does not find it boring and tedious, and, in fact, who shines at travel planning is my husband. The man can spend hours researching places to go, things to see and do, and, importantly, how to physically get there. He loves doing it and so over the course of our marriage I have just stepped back to the point where I have ceded all control.
I am completely a Flower. We are now at the point where I only barely know not only our travel itineraries, but I also barely know where we are going. If anything, this attitude of just being along for the ride increases my enjoyment of travel exponentially. I’m like Rex going for a car ride; I’m just excited to be going somewhere, it doesn’t hardly matter where.
Now that my husband is retired and the kids are grown, we have so much flexibility for travel, and to that end we have a few big trips booked for this year, plus some smaller ones, and one of those is coming up this weekend. My husband and I are going to Las Vegas.
I am a complete non-gambler – I do not enjoy it in any way – but Las Vegas is just so much fun; this will be my fourth time going and I am very excited. Needless to say, I did none of the bookings and had nothing to say about the actual itinerary, other than to enthusiastically say “That sounds fun!” every time my husband brought up an idea. My husband has booked us a few shows, and other than that, I don’t know what we will be doing. It doesn’t matter! I’m just excited to go!
So clearly, I am a Flower.
One of my earliest memories is one of complete and utter emotional devastation upon learning that flowers die in the winter. To be fair, I was an incredibly sensitive and dramatic child and I probably experienced utter emotional devastation daily, if not more bi-hourly. However, I have a very clear memory of devastation about the fate of flora during the winter, winter being a very long season in Calgary. How or why this occurred to me, I don’t know, but I would guess that there was a book about seasons involved; I clearly remember my level of hysteria that my dad tried to quell by telling me that the flowers come back again in the spring. This was small comfort indeed, because of a Very Big Idea that Very Small Nicole had, and that is that when I grew up, I wanted to be a flower.
I was probably three, and so I had no concept of symbolism or anything else, and I obviously had only the most tenuous ideas about what constituted growing up. I genuinely thought it was an interspecies free-for-all, and that becoming an adult meant that you could literally morph into any kind of animal, vegetable, or mineral.
So you can imagine my devastation when I realized just how brief my life on this mortal coil would be after achieving adulthood. I guess I believed that my life would follow this rough trajectory: I would be a child, I would go to school, I would be grown up, I would immediately change from human to flower form, and then I would die. I would die in the winter, thus missing Christmas and a visit from Santa.
I don’t know at what point I realized that my anxiety about an instantaneous winter death was unfounded, but eventually I went on with my little human life, enjoying flowers for what they were and not as a mirror of my future self.
Weekly Reading
An Elderly Lady Is Up To No Good. This was an absolutely delightful little book of connected short stories about a murderous little old lady. It is very clever and quite hilarious. It is translated from the Swedish, so there are many wonderful Swedish tidbits in here, and one made me genuinely squeal out loud, thanks to Were You Raised By Wolves. Do you listen to that podcast? If not, why not? Do you hate joy? The podcast is a beam of light in this dark world. Anyway, there is a little line in this book about Christmas Eve, and one of the characters mentions that the “children will have watched Donald Duck.” I knew EXACTLY what they were referring to, thanks to Were You Raised By Wolves, and if you don’t know, look up their Kalle Anka episode. Obviously it involves Donald Duck, but it is so much more. It is PURE delight, and so is this book.
Dual Citizens. In the past six months, I have been made aware of a conversation in the writing and publishing community about the role of prologues in novels, and the current thinking seems to be just DON’T. I didn’t really think about it too much prior to these past six months, but now I really notice when there is a prologue, and what, if any, value is added. And I will say that the prologue – and epilogue, for that matter – in this book not only does not add to the book, but they actively subtract from it, in my view. Particularly since there seems to be a strange discrepancy; in the prologue the character is going into labour at 38 weeks, but later in the book she is said to be “overdue.” So that actively took me out of what is otherwise a really wonderful story, with incredible writing and prose, about two sisters and their narcissistic, neglectful mother. There are some interesting character arcs and a message about understanding others as we gain life experience. Some of the imagery is a little heavy-handed and slightly unbelievable – sleeping with wolves, really? – but this is a really excellent character-driven novel. I guess we can excuse the prologue.
Is anyone else totally exhausted from the time change? I SURE AM. Other than “Lose A Precious Hour Of Sleep” day, it was a lovely weekend. We attended a surprise birthday party for my friend Joy (HI JOY) and, unrelated to that, I made another cake from Julie’s You Are Human And You Need Cake book, and I took Rex for a nice long Sunday morning hike. It was an attempt to change my attitude when I can’t change the circumstances, the circumstances being the ridiculous ritual of shifting the clocks hither and thither semi-annually for absolutely no reason. ANYWAY. This Flower is heading for bright lights and (relatively) late nights, and will see you on the other side. Take care, my beautiful flower friends. xo
I am a gardener through and through. With the exception of the moments when I actually say “I’m a delicate flower” to my friends who invite me for walks in cold weather. I don’t like cold weather and I don’t like to be outside when it’s cold.
I am not a real gardener (as in loving to spend time in an outside garden), but I do care for a lot of indoors plants I was able to not kill successfully.
Thank you for the book suggestion. I LOVE memoirs, so I’ll make sure to look for it. ❤️
Indoor plants are so nice to have! I have a number of pretty sturdy ones (do you talk to your plants? I do!)
Such great pictures of vistas, Rexie, and you, Nicole! I LOL-ed when you equated your blissfully carefree travel with Rex’s excitement at being in the car.
That gardener and flower representation is pretty powerful and persuasive–I think there are areas in which we’re gardeners and some in which we are flowers–isn’t that the kind of complementary give-and-take that would make for an interesting and loving relationship, anyway?
I agree, Maya, there are definitely ebbs and flows to being the flower and the gardener!
Rex’s face when he’s in the car is my face when I’m on a plane!
LOL
Las Vegas!!!! I have never been there (and also do not gamble), but it sounds like there is so much to do and see and eat. I hope you have a wonderful time!
Your description of travel related flowerness describes me to a T. I am similarly lucky in husbands – isn’t it The Best to be able to just show up???? I love it so much. Occasionally I take a trip without my husband and I get so panicky and overwhelmed by all the logistics. Yuck.
Sweet little Nicole. I love your characterization of your youthful self.
Trying to enjoy the beautiful morning despite the time change, which I also despise. Changing my attitude etc.
Yes, just showing up is the absolute best! I love just…going with the flow. Which is strange because I tend to be super-structured in most other areas. But when it comes to travel, I’m sort of anything goes!
You’ll definitely get alllll the details about Vegas!
I would say, marriages work best if both people can shift from flower to gardener, depending on the circumstances. I mean- who would want to ALWAYS be a flower, or gardener? Like in your case- it’s nice to be a “travel flower” after being the gardener in so many areas.
When my alarm went off this morning I briefly wondered why it was so hard to wake up… oh, I know. It’s actually 4:30, not 5:30, GRRRR. Then I got to drive my daughter to school in the pitch dark… no. Not a fan.
I do not, in fact, hate joy, so maybe I should check out that podcast! I’m always looking for new ones.
Hee hee- love the photos of Rex, as always. Have a great trip!!! I can’t wait to hear all about it.
It’s true, maybe we do cycle through flowers and gardeners. I like that thought!
That podcast brings me SO much happiness. It’s just pure loveliness.
We’ve been working on that flower/gardener balance in family therapy, actually, though not using those terms. Beth is the gardener most of the time.
I made spoon bread last week and we ate it with butter and sour cherry jam. I’m guessing spoon cake is similar but sweeter. Mine was kind of like an eggy baked polenta.
I have not lost my hour of sleep yet because I couldn’t get to sleep an hour early last night, lay awake for almost exactly an hour, even though I took melatonin, and ended up sleeping an hour later than usual. Sooner or later, I will have to adjust, but it hasn’t happened yet.
Oooh that spoon bread sounds interesting. This was kind of like a cobbler, but thicker in the topping, if that makes sense. Like a moist (sorry) cake on top of berries.
I like this dichotomy and am definitely the gardener in our marriage. I’ve heard a similar idea saying that one person is the poet while the other person is the plumber. Same concept, but the one you share here is much sweeter.
An Elderly Lady Is Up To No Good is a book with a title that draws me to it regardless of how well-written it is. Even more pleased to read that you liked it.
Happy travels, enjoy gardening elsewhere.
Poet and plumber! Ally, I like it!
I think you’d really like that book! It was so fun.
I definitely was late to work today because of the time change! Can’t we just pick a time and stick to it?? I think “You are Human and You Need Cake” is likely the greatest cookbook title of all time. I think my husband I are both definitely Gardeners – and I don’t think that’s uncommon? Not sure I’m buying this flower/gardener theory!
Sarah, are you questioning a theory brought forth by Carole Radziwill and JFK Jr??? Lol!
That is the greatest title for a cookbook and it came about because someone wrote a terrible hate letter to the author. She blacked out all the mean words and left it at You Are Human and You Need Cake. Julie V is a gift to this world!
Ugh. The time change. I’m right there with you sister. I loathe it. So so much. And as if losing an hour of sleep wasn’t enough, I was awake for over 1.5 hours last night thinking about work crap. I read on my kindle for a bit, then tried to fall back asleep to no avail. But the kindle battery was almost dead so then I had to get up and go downstairs to read my physical book (which is actually the ideal way to deal with insomnia – I’m just too tired/lazy to leave the bedroom typically). So I probably missed out on almost 2 hours of sleep. And oof the boys were DEAD asleep when I had to wake them this morning. Why are we doing this to our bodies? WHY!!!!
Anywho… I think my husband and I both have gardening duties to some extent because of decisions about the division of labor. But when it comes to travel, I am 100% the gardener. I do want/need his sign off on things before we book anything so he will weigh in but I am the person that is narrowing in on options for housing, for example. But it works for us because if I left it to him, I don’t know when he would do it and I am too much of a control freak. He’s also team “let’s wait to book” and I am team “this price is reasonable so lets lock it in.” Ahh, marriage. Such a balancing act.
I am not a fan of prologues generally either. I especially disliked the prologue for MBF. I guess it was written to entice us to continue to read the series but that is such a manipulative play by the author IMO. “let’s dangle this lady goes missing plot line in the prologue and then they will REALLY want to buy my next book.”
I’m glad you mentioned the prologue in MBF because I totally forgot it was there. I FORGOT IT EXISTED. You know what, that WAS manipulative!
Marriage is a balancing act – however, my husband gets very little from me when he’s travel planning because I will literally buy in on anything. I mean, within reason. So he’s planning a trip to Italy and I’m essentially like “YES SOUNDS FUN!” to every single thing he mentions. Now that I type that out I realize that might be annoying to be so agreeable. But he likes to make those decisions and I’m happy to let that happen.
When we were first married he’d planned a trip to Vancouver Island with all these different places and activities and as soon as we got off the ferry I said “So, where are we going again?” It was a harbinger of things to come.
Neither my husband nor I like to plan travel. So we don’t. LOL. We always start each summer with grand ambitions of a trip, but no one plans it. And then we stay home and that’s even better. I agree with Jenny – I think we switch up who is the flower and who is the gardener, depending on the circumstances.
When my niece had to fill out an introductory form for her kindergarten class, her response to “what do you want to be when you grow up?” was a gumball machine. So, you know, you’re not alone in wanting to change your entire physical identity as a child.
I read An Elderly Woman is Up To No Good in 2021 and I wandered about the world pretending I was Maud for a while. Good times.
I’m glad Lisa mentioned the prologue to MBF. I think it promises something that it doesn’t deliver and that’s why a lot of people got all feisty about the book. That’s my working theory.
This reminds me when we filled out one of the “first day of preschool” boards when Paul was entering pre-k. He wanted to be a t-rex when he grew up! Lol.
Here’s the funny thing – until Lisa mentioned it I forgot there even WAS a prologue! Well, now I’m even more feisty! I forgot all about it AND IT WAS A DANGLE THAT DIDN’T DELIVER! Ah, well.
A GUMBALL MACHINE!!!! I feel much less alone in the world now, knowing that!
I am laughing SO HARD at “gumball machine.” The aspirations of five-year-olds!
I am utterly and completely jealous that you get to be a flower on trips. I am most certainly the gardener. I used to love it like your husband does, but after 30+ years of doing it, I would love to be a flower sometime. But the last time, I let my flower plan something we went to Regina from Los Angeles via San Diego, with 3 flight changes. Have fun in Sin City!
Lololol yes, maybe you need to keep being the gardener in this area! Talk about the milk run. To get to Regina, no less!
Boo time change! I actually slept very well last night, so this round wasn’t too bad.
My real takeaway is that I need to read Carole Radziwill’s book because I bet she’s got some juicy tea to dish. In the meantime I’ve got some thinking to do about who’s doing the gardening and who’s doing the flowering in my house. Some of both for each of us. I like planning the travel for my solo trips, but I would adore it if the Hubs would take the reins for one of our couple or family vacays.
You do need to read her book, but I wouldn’t say she spills the tea at all. She plays it really close to her chest about her very famous in-laws. But the book itself is just such a gorgeous book about friendship and love and it’s one of my favourite memoirs ever!
I read An Elderly Lady Is Up To No Good, but that was three years ago, so I don’t remember it that well. Still, if I finished it, it wasn’t bad! (I DNF a lot.)
That dessert sounds yummy. I made blueberry muffins yesterday and they were good!
I need to get better at DNFing! But this one was definitely very good.
First and foremost, I love Carole Radziwill. She is one of my absolute favorite housewives. Second, I love this analogy, so thank you for sharing it with me. My husband and I are both gardeners. However, as I approached menopause, I became more like a flower. I’m a flower child, actually. I ALSO hate trip planning! This is actually one of the random facts I plan to mention in an upcoming post. ❤️
Twinsies!!!
Have you read What Remains? It is a really beautiful and very moving book but extremely sad. So, maybe not for you right now, but perhaps one day.
I have not. It’s on my TBR. I will eventually. ❤️
I’ve heard that saying before and I kind of don’t like it – it makes it sound like one person does all the giving and one does all the taking. I definitely tend to mother people and did the hands-on caretaking with the kids and I feed people and try to help if they need help. My husband does a lot of nice things for me just because he can and knows I get nervous about them or don’t like doing them, so, two gardeners? Or is it just kind of a bad metaphor?
So are some Real Housewives smart? I always got the impression they were all dumb and superficial and mean, but I haven’t actually seen any of the shows.
Vegas Baby! I’ve only been once and I don’t gamble either (other than one slot machine, twenty bucks in, came out ahead) but we had a blast seeing shows and hanging by the pool and doing a food tour.
I read another book by Alex Ohlin that I liked – odd about the prologue. It does kind of seem like an outdated thing now, doesn’t it?
Can you believe my library doesn’t have Julie’s cake book? Wth, Ottawa Library? I have STRONGLY RECOMMENDED they obtain it.
I’ve never seen any of the shows either, so I can’t speak for them, but Carole Radziwill is a highly acclaimed journalist who has even won an Emmy! Her memoir is one of my favourite memoirs of all time, and that is saying something. It’s very sad and moving, but so well done. She worked her way out of not poverty, but certainly she didn’t have money growing up.
Was the book Inside? I read it a long while ago and liked it a lot.
Oh, and Angus used to want to be Elmer Fudd when he grew up.
LOLOLOLOL ELMER FUDD
I feel similarly to Ali – I didn’t know any of the Housewives were smart. I also have never watched the show. I’ve added this memoir to my list in the back of my notebook, that is aptly titled ‘Nicole books’.
I’ve never been to Vegas. I don’t like gambling. It makes me nervous. The shows and the food and the pool all sound lovely though.
I once did all the planning for our travel, particularly if it involved Irish dancing. It wasn’t my favorite thing and I’m pleased that nowadays, Coach mostly plans our travel, give or take. I’ve been fairly involved in the two trips overseas we’ve done when visiting out study-abroad children.
Do you hate joy? – This made me snicker. I do NOT hate joy. I also don’t listen to podcasts, but I now feel compelled. Will report back.
I don’t think there will be pool time this vacation – it doesn’t look to be very warm right now! But warm enough to enjoy walking around and seeing the sights.
Perhaps because of the Oscars last night, or perhaps because JFK Jr. was involved in the conversation, but I started thinking about Hollywood types, how mega successful actors are surrounded by ass kissers most of the time and have huge egos, and maybe that is why so many of their marriages fail? Because they are flowers marrying other flowers? Not all of course, but probably plenty.
I hope you have a great time in Vegas. I wish we lived close by and I could baby sit Rex for you. If I don’t plan a vacation, it doesn’t seem to happen. This hasn’t always been true, but it feels true right now. We’ll see whether anything happens on that front this year. The last two years have been expensive vacations, so if we do anything at all it will need to be a bit more reasonable.
Hmmm solid point about the Hollywood marriages. That’s probably a big part of it. All the scrutiny, too, I can see how that would get to a person.
I would love for you to be Rex’s babysitter. Alas. The commute is too long!
I hope you have a wonderful trip to Las Vegas! I went there once and had a fun time going to Cirque du Soleil and Rita Rudner. Everything was so huge! I remember walking along, following the crowd, and we suddenly ended up at a buffet – like we were sucked in by gravity! So we ate!
I am a human and I DO need cake! I think cake has magical powers.
I was hoping that with my travels to CA, my sleep schedule would be messed up enough that I’d breeze through DST. But no. It’s worse than ever!! Why do we keep doing this?
Little Nicole – what a sweet picture!
Michelle, we have tickets to a Cirque show – I’m very excited! I have seen O, which was amazing, and the one we are slated to see is Ka.
Cake DOES have magical powers, I strongly agree!
We went to Vegas in July 2018 (my mom planned this trip – don’t you think that my husband or I did!) and saw Ka. Here’s what I wrote in my blog about it: This show was fabulous. It was also really loud. We were seated close to the front (handicapped accessible) and when the usher asked us if we wanted earplugs or blankets, I took him up on both. I wore the earplugs through the whole thing and brought them with me to every Vegas place we went from that point on. Anyway, the theater was amazing, the show was amazing, and the actors/dancers/acrobats were amazing. Just amazing. It’s worth the price of the ticket. Get that blanket, too. It gets chilly.
Here’s what I have to say now. There was this part with a giant Ferris wheel thing and it was the most amazing thing ever. I hope you have a great time!
Oh now I’m even more excited!! Thanks!
OMG. I just left a Novel and it went away!
I certainly do NOT hate joy.
Like you, I’m the flower when it comes to traveling and it’s the best thing ever!
I’ve heard the analogy of one person being the bus driver and the other being the passenger. Like, you can’t both be the driver at the same time, you have to take turns. Right? I don’t mind being the passenger, nor do I mind driving the bus, it just depends on the situation.
Have a great time in Vegas. I don’t gamble much, but I do enjoy throwing a few chips on my fave numbers in Roulette once in a while. The best things about Vegas are the shows, the restaurants and of course PEOPLE WATCHING!
Love the little Nicole (the flower) on her bike pic!
YES – Vegas is just so much fun for those reasons exactly! I’m sure I’ll have a full report for you.
I love the driver and passenger analogy!
I laughed at the image of you being just like Rex in the car, when on a plane. I love to travel and we are fortunate to do a lot. I think I’m mostly a gardener but not when it comes to travel planning. My husband loves to do it. He has planned a few 2 week multi-city European trips for his old timer hockey team , a trip for our running group (30+ people went) to tour Greece and run the Athens marathon, a 2 week trip with our kids & grandkids (22 people)to Portugal plus a few more smaller group trips. I think I’m in pretty good hands now that he mostly does it for the two of us. Funny thing, once we land I am the one who finds our way around the various cities. Have so much fun in Vegas. I also have zero interest in gambling but love to watch people. And the food is SO good!!
Trip planning for 22 people is no small feat! Hats off to him!
I would have to assume that I’m a flower. My husband 100% plans the vacations. I am happy to just show up. It’s always a surprise for me, because I don’t closely pay attention to what he’s planning. It works for us. Like the dog in the car, I’m just happy to be included. Just give me a heads up on how to pack.
KARA! Twinsies! I just need to know what kind of clothes to pack and approximately the activities so I have the proper shoes!
I would love to be a Flower when it comes to travelling, but alas I am the Gardener! Actually in most areas of life I would say that I am the Gardener, and while it gets tiring, I definitely don’t fully trust that any of my Flowers would ever Garden the way I do, so being the Gardener will have to continue until a suitable replacement comes forward 😉
Hahaha! The travails of being a Gardener!
I like having a mix of both when it comes to planning vacations. When my mom and I travel together, I am 100% the gardener. She doesn’t like planning travel and lets me make all of the decisions, which I LOVE. But when I’m traveling with friends, I tend to let them take the lead and I just go along with it all.
That’s a nice mix, Stephany!
I hope that you had a great time in Vegas; I really enjoyed the Cirque show that I went to years ago, so I am sure yours was probably great too. I also saw Penn and Teller last time I was there and I really did not know much about them, but enjoyed that show too! I am not a gambler either, but there are other things to do, luckily (there is even hiking nearby!)
Re the flower/gardener. I would have said that I am usually the gardener, ie doing all of the work planning things, but I am not really nurturing; I am just good at taking the lead and making decisions. However, I have had some hissy fits when traveling with friends who I guess are flowers, as I don’t want to have to make all of the decisions all of the time. The flowers need to help, or to voice some sort of opinion at some point! An example is when I was in Slovakia and had to figure out how to get a bus to a castle and everything was in Slovakian and we had to do a transfer in the middle and my friend just sat there with the Rex look on his face, as if I were just going to hold his hand and lead him around, but it was exhausting for me to have to figure it out with no help from him.
I’m not surprised you’re a gardener – how else would you go on all your adventures? I am a flower but not an asshole – of course I will always help my husband solve problems and navigate when we are somewhere else, particularly if there is another language involved. Most likely, though, my husband has already arranged transportation ahead of time so it’s a moot point.
Your husband is a superstar. I like planning and organizing things, but it is a little different when someone else’s happiness depends on it. Of course, I guess if they are happy no matter what, that makes it easier!
Both things are true – he’s a trip planning superstar and I’m pretty happy to just go with the flow.
Are you back yet :)!?!?
I am!
I’m back from my trip and will be comment bombing you to see what I’ve missed. I also enjoyed What Remains (loved her on RHONY) but I’d forgotten the flower/gardener thing. I’m a definite gardener all the way, but my husband, like you, tends to garden until it comes to travel. I spend months researching and he only asks what we’re doing when he has to start packing.
I’ve been to Vegas four times, too! We used it as an ending point for a few trips to national parks. And we spent our 10th anniversary there. I’m not a gambler, either. But the shows and sights are so fun. I can’t wait to hear all about it!
It’s SO much fun, Vegas. And yes, What Remains might be my favourite memoir ever.