Many years ago I was in the playground with a friend and our children; she had an older daughter who at the time was in first grade, and so was not at the playground but instead in school. My friend said something to me that has stayed with me for years. Her daughter, she said, “…has a whole life now that I don’t know about, there are so many hours a day I don’t know what she’s doing or who her friends are. It’s just a whole life separate to me.” At the time, my children were 3 and 4 and it would be difficult to overestimate how deeply those words affected me. My life and my children’s lives were so intensely intertwined: they were in preschool three afternoons a week, it was true, but I knew every child that they knew, I knew those children’s mothers and where they lived, if they had a playdate I went with them, every single moment of every day I knew where they were and at least approximately what they were doing.
Life continues on its trajectory and here we are. It was university Reading Week, and my older son came home for it which was, of course, delightful. Fifteen years after that playground conversation, and my son has a life that I only vaguely know about. He makes his own appointments and does things that I have no idea he’s doing, like snowboarding and rock climbing, I only have a very cursory idea about his schedule and classes, I don’t know any of his friends, and I have seen where he lives only once, for three minutes, while he moved in. His entire life is completely separate from me.
Well, that’s the goal, isn’t it? Fly, little birdie.
A few years after the playground conversation, I was speaking with the grandmother of one of my son’s friends. She was a lively and vibrant woman who took care of her grandchildren while their parents worked. I was telling her that I was nervous to leave the kids with my parents for three nights while my husband and I went away for his birthday. I’d never left them for so long before, and I felt anxious and guilty.
She patted my arm and said it was good to do these things, after all, she said, time goes fast and one day I’d be looking across the table and it would just be my husband. She told me that she remembered exactly when that happened, she said Oh, it’s you. Hello.
That isn’t quite the case here yet, but I can see it in the distance.
Marriages and long-term partnerships are so interesting and, snowflake-like, no two are the same. I was thinking a lot about that this week while reading Carly Simon’s memoir. Now listen, I have always been a fan of James Taylor, but I think that after reading this that I kind of hate James Taylor? He sounds like an absolute nightmare to be married to; I mean, to be fair, he was an addict, addiction is a disease, but also he was one of those guys who really wants a mommy in his wife – he is Sweet Baby James, after all – and who seems to have deeply resented the time and energy Carly spent on their children, particularly their very young son who was very ill with a kidney deformity. That’s probably all I need to say to paint the picture, but of course, he was also having affairs six ways to Sunday, and whenever Carly would confront him with this, he’d say “It has nothing to do with you.” OH REALLY, JAMES TAYLOR. I mean, he had to get tested for chlamydia a number of times during their marriage, so it kind of does have something to do with her? What was incredible to me was that Carly took to heart something her father said, which was that the true meaning of being rich was being able to give, and not being concerned about receiving. If that is the case, then Carly Simon was incredibly rich in her marriage, and even in 2015, decades after it ended, she still writes about him with love.
Getting back to James Taylor and his many venereal diseases, I was really puzzled by something: how was it working? And by “it” I mean his penis. I am no expert here, but he was whacked out on heroin much of the time, and so how was he having sex with all these women? I assumed that there would be performance issues associated with so much drug use, but here he was, contracting the clap left and right.
I am loathe to imagine this, honestly. James Taylor and his skeevy 70s moustache and greasy hair is not someone I want to picture intercoursing, as Detective Mettavoy once said in NYPD Blue and I have been waiting all these years to repeat. But I guess I am loathe to imagine anyone in a sexytimes situation; recently Stephany (HI STEPHANY) commented that no one talks about long-term partnered sex, and it’s true, no one does. I’m not going to delve into my own details about intercoursing here, mostly because my mom and several members of my extended family read this blog and I would like to have our future interactions not shadowed by extreme awkwardness. But I would like to circle back to my initial thought about marriage after the kids are grown and out of the house; this is the time to shine, in that department. Hello, it’s you.
Weekly Reading
Boys In The Trees. As mentioned above, this is a VERY juicy memoir written by Carly herself, and it is beautiful and lyrical, as could be expected from such an esteemed poet and songwriter. I knew going in that she had a stutter as a child, and her mom encouraged her to sing instead, which helped immensely, but what I didn’t know is she developed a stutter after being sexually exploited as a small child by the teenage son of a family friend. This exploitation went on for years and probably explains a lot about her later life. Also something that explains a lot: she was third born after two sisters, and she was “supposed” to be a boy named Carl, disappointed, her parents added a “y.” Do not even get me started on how enraged I am at the idea of “trying for a boy/ girl,” I have to actually do some ujjayi breathing just at the thought. Anyway, her parents did have their longed-for (RAGE RAGE RAGE) son after Carly, but they didn’t want him to GROW UP GAY in a house full of females (MORE RAGE) so they hired a male companion to teach him manly things. Where was her father, you may ask? He was busy. You see, Carly grew up in incredible wealth and privilege – her father is the Simon of Simon and Schuster! She grew up in New York and summered in Connecticut, spending a few weeks a year in Martha’s Vineyard, where, as a child, she met a young James Taylor WHO WAS ALSO GROWING UP WITH IMMENSE WEALTH AND PRIVILEGE. Honestly, I had no idea. Anyway, this male companion ends up a) fucking her mother to the point that she had an adjoining room with him while her father was just on another floor of the house, and b) spying on Carly and her sisters as they use the bathroom. So perhaps all of this explains Carly’s mellow attitude towards her nightmare of a husband, later on. There are many juicy details about the many sexy notches in her belt later in life, notably Warren Beatty, who really knew what was what in the bedroom, and Mick Jagger, with whom she had EXPLOSIVE chemistry, and who also sang backup on You’re So Vain. Who knew? Here’s what she had to say about that song:
Aha! So it’s more of a compilation of vain men. God, I love that song. Long-time readers will recall that this is my go-to karaoke song.
Hagitude: Reimagining The Second Half of Life. Speaking of birdies flying and the nest becoming empty, my friend Laura (HI LAURA) said the other day that she felt like when she became a mother, something shattered in her creativity, and now, as her daughter is away at college, she is at a stage where she is picking up those shards and putting them back together, rediscovering her creativity. I thought of that image a lot, reading this book. This is an interesting time of life for a woman. “…what we should be doing during menopause is gently and consciously letting go of one period of our lives, and slowly and mindfully easing the progression into another.” So says the author of Hagitude, an uplifting book drawing on European mythology about the elder period of a woman’s life, the vitality and meaning that can come from becoming a crone, a hag, a wise old woman. This is a dense book full of imagery and reclamation.
Here we are in the last week of February! Time just keeps its forward march, and here Friday is actually March. I’m hoping for a lamblike start to the month for you all, in every way. xo
Love, love this post, Nicole! I’m looking forward to this season of self-love and rediscovery too.
What a sad nightmare of a childhood Carly Simon seems to have had… because I see these issues crop up in the lives of underprivileged children I work with, I did not see for so long how this could happen in the lives of well-to-do and otherwise privileged children as well. I guess parental neglect is parental neglect…
Thanks so much, Maya! It’s a whole new world we are facing. We can do this together!
Oh man, the things Carly Simon went through. It was really something to read this book!
It is unclear when our nest will be empty, because if Noah takes the job he’s been offered (he still doesn’t have the contract with important details and the uncertainty driving me crazy) it will last from May to November, so he may not want to move out not knowing what his income source will be after that or maybe he won’t even be able to find an affordable apartment with a six-month lease. So anyway, chances are good he’ll still be here when North leaves in August.
My MIL is the third of four sisters (the fourth being a surprise baby), and by the time she came along, her father, who had wanted an Andrew Jr. for a long time, named her Andrea.
That’s what I’ve always liked about “You’re So Vain,” that it’s not about just one person. Otherwise that line wouldn’t make sense because would it be vain to think a song about you was about you? No, it would not.
There’s a Carly Simon bio called Clouds in My Coffee. I haven’t read it, but to bring this comment full circle, my MIL has.
I’ve never met your MIL but my heart just broke a little. There is something so sad about that to me.
I am also having second-hand stress on your behalf, due to Noah’s job. DETAILS, WE NEED DETAILS. It’s hard for young people right now, I think, everything is SO expensive!
This! This! Yes to this! My daughter went to sleep away camp this weekend (a 2-night winter thing) and she has all these friends that I have never even met. She knew them from other activities and was in a cabin with them and I’ve known their names for a year…and that is it. It feels weird but also lovely, too, in a way.
I feel like it’s counter cultural, but I try to prioritize my marriage over my kids. I spend a lot of time with my kids – more than my spouse – but in the list of priorities, my husband comes first. Mostly because if that relationship isn’t going well, how can I parent well? Also, there will come a time when that is naturally my primary relationship and I want it to be STRONG.
For years now we’ve done at-home date nights on weekends. We feed the kids and put them to bed super early (now that they’re older they usually watch a movie together upstairs) and then it’s US TIME. They know that date-night trumps almost everything else – for example, I almost never schedule anything on a Friday – Sunday night (date night started with one night a week and now it’s 2, sometimes 3 nights). It’s part of our family culture and I love it so much. When some people we know got married a few years ago they asked for marriage advice from all the wedding attendees and my number one tip was to start Date Nights from the beginning. I’m very partial to at-home ones so I can stay in my PJs but, also, this way our kids have learned that Mom and Dad get to have special time together + they see that we want to spend time together.
I think sex gets better with time in a monogamous relationship? Also, as kids get older there are just a lot fewer interruptions (and more sleep). I love that you talk about sex occasionally on your blog (Team Morning/Afternoon!) because it’s kinda a big deal in most relationships and yet people basically never talk about it openly. Aside from the fact that my parents never had sex once in their marriage (obvs, that would be HORRIFYING), I think we need more marriage sex talk!
Intercoursing. Haha. It reminds me of Sheldon always saying coitus on Big Bang Theory.
COITUS.
I think your date night strategy is brilliant! We don’t really have anything like that, but I guess we do a lot of things just the two of us, because the boys have had their own stuff for a while. I do like prioritizing those dates though! Brilliant!
I agree that sex can get better with time as the partners know what the other partner likes. This brings me up to something I heard recently on a podcast that maybe will be the topic of my next post!
We always joke with my parents that they only had sex twice (I have one brother) but I did catch them whispering the other day (they are both a little deaf so it was more like a shout) about what day they would both be in the same house at night (they have two and have been doing work in both and often are like ships in the night). I called them out on it (MOoooommmM! Gross!) but I find it endearing really.
Hahahaha cute and gross all at the same time!
Wow, Nicole, Great, great post. I love all of it, and it probably helps that I love Carly Simon. I knew a little about her childhood, but I didn’t know all THAT. That is crazy! I also feel a little sad because I like James Taylor, but oh well- that bubble has burst. I LOVE You’re So Vain- it might be my favorite song ever. It makes sense that it’s a compilation of different men. I heard that when asked if it was about Warren Beatty, Carly said something like “Warren likes to think that song is about him.” Hee hee. I actually have an ex-boyfriend, who, if I ever wrote a song, would assume it’s about him and I always think of him when I hear “You’re so Vain.”
I feel like I’m in empty-nest transitional phase. I got a taste of it when my son went to college. People kept saying “Oh, he’ll be home again- Thanksgiving will be here before you know it!” But the point was, it was the start of his life away from us, with friends and experiences we know nothing about. My daughter is still at home, but I know how fast high school goes, and sometimes I have little flash-forward moments of the day I take her to college. Eep. I’m not ready.
Thanks so much, Jenny! And that’s how I feel with my son being at school. It’s a transitional phase for sure – yes, they are back and forth, but it’s a whole new world.
OK I did not see James Taylor’s STDs coming after the sweet playground talk, but you sure know how to write!! We had a family ice cream store growing up, and my older siblings would always play James Taylor music in the shop (the music couldn’t be too extreme) and my little sister and I made picket signs out of straws and paper that read “No More J.T.!” because we couldn’t stand the music. We marched ourselves around the shop and they finally stopped playing it so much. I’m so glad to hear that all these years later, we were on the right side.
You were on the right side of history! I do love his music but I don’t think I can hear it now without thinking about the clap. And you just never know what you’re going to get with me, one minute it’s the fleeting nature of time, the next minute it’s James Taylor’s diseased penis.
Wow, poor Carly. She went through so much trauma and then had a real jack ass of a husband to cap it off. Oof. I know next to nothing about her so learned a lot just from this post. I don’t know if I could read about this unhealthy marriage. I don’t know how you’d stay with someone who is cheating on you over and over and over again. I would be SO DONE.
I am honestly a total prude so I struggled to talk about sex when I was dating so talking about marital sex makes me kind of cringe! I could stand to be more open for sure. So in an effort to be less of a prude I will admit that we are not exactly in the renaissance stage of sexual relations w/ such young kids… I thought maybe we could carve out some time on Fridays when we generally both work from home but it’s hard for me to find time to eat lunch with how busy work has been… so that carved out Friday fun time isn’t happening. But i tell myself – this, too, shall pass.
It will pass, and an easier stage of life is ahead of you! It’s hard to feel sexy with little kids, full stop.
The thing about JT and his affairs just made me so mad on her behalf, and I was so sad that she continued (continues?) to love him so much after all that.
I was always told that relationships get stale over time, but all I’m saying is that as of the 11 year mark I don’t have any personal experience in that department;-) Why hello!
I have got to read Carly’s memoir because that’s some serious tea that she’s spilling. Sadly having a messed up childhood does lend itself toward putting up with more garbage in marriage.
Oh totally Birchy, I was like “well, that explains THAT” while reading this. She does spill a lot of tea, including what Warren Beatty was like in bed (VERY GOOD, APPARENTLY) and lots of other juicy details. Not sure I needed the details of her three venereal diseases while on European tour with her college boyfriend, but hey, it’s all part of the experience.
Neglect is neglect, no matter whether your family has money or not. Carly’s childhood is an example of that… And on rediscovering yourself after the kids leave. My kids are still here and will be for a while but I ready feel sad, how one day, it’s just gonna be T and I at the dinner table. Right in the feels.
It’s a big change, that’s for sure, Daria!
And you are right, neglect can happen anywhere.
Oh, Nicole, you make me laugh so much! I was howling over your opinions of James Taylor! I needed a good laugh, so thank you for that. I’ve always loved Carly Simon’s music and had no idea what her life was like. So interesting and sad. Her voice is amazing.
I bought Hagitude – it sounds good – I love the title!
Michelle, there are a lot of photos in this book and every single one of James Taylor, I think he looks like a total dick. Maybe I’m just projecting, having read this, but still! Dick!
I think you’ll like Hagitude – the mythology behind the old woman is really interesting, and the idea of creativity in the menopausal years is very intriguing!
I have been thinking so much about my relationship with the Mr in recent weeks as we navigate talking about retirement (some day?) and what-comes-next which is so different than being in the thick of how it’s been recently with all the caretaking and parenting and life. We had 7 years with just the two of us before having our daughter, but were completely stymied in thinking about what we’d want from life together once our girl flies the nest (8 years away, but still soon enough to have these conversations). I don’t have any good answers (for sexytimes or the rest of it), but the evolution of long-term partnerships is definitely a topic of thought in this little household lately, haha!
It’s a really interesting transitional phase, that is for sure. The pandemic and working from home definitely eased the transition (for me) of work life versus retirement life. It’s a whole new world out there!
Oh Nicole — I just LOVE your perspective on life and marriage. Amazing. I did tear up a little bit at “fly birdie fly.” It’s the whole POINT but also it’s so wrenching, to go from having this person be literally a part of you to being their own separate, independent self. WAH! But I do like the “hello, it’s you” part, too. Being a parent is so all encompassing that you sometimes forget that your co-parent is also a hottie you want to spend time with ALONE. Gotta keep one another on the To Do list, even when the rest of the list is full of orthodontic fittings and extracurricular-activity shepherding and playdates and birthday parties and teacher in-service days.
The more I hear about this Carly Simon memoir, the more I can’t wait to read it! I am pretty sure I downloaded it from Libby but I’ve got to finish ACOTAR first.
The memoir is really good, you can tell that Carly is a real poet!
Yessssss, so important to keep each other on the to-do list (LITERALLY) because those little birds really do fly. It was so hard for me to imagine but here I am.
We watched a video once that claimed the time when intercoursing was best was at like 4:30 in the afternoon, but of course a lot of people are at work then, so a rallying cry in our house is “it’s 4:30 somewhere” and then…well, take it from there. I don’t know why I’m sharing with you that little detail from our lives, but here we are.
OMG I LOVE THAT SO MUCH! It’s 4:30 somewhere indeed!!!
Oh, my friend, the beginning of this post. Pure poetry. Love. I want to tell all the mommies out there that it will be different, but it will also be okay.
THEN you make me laugh out loud with how greasy and STD’Y James Taylor is! Omg. I will never listen to his music in the same way again. I have a newfound respect for Carly Simon.
Thank you Kari! Yes, this is it exactly – it will be different AND it will be okay!
In a thunderclap of Bader-Meinhoffing, I JUST found that out about Carly Simon’s dad last week on the Jeopardy app, *mind blown*. Yeah, wtf James Taylor. He sings so much nicer than he is, clearly. Clouds in my coffee is such a great line. I just read a book that, among other things, talked a lot about Warren Beatty trying to get Bonnie and Clyde made, and it made me like him more, so I’m a little bit okay that he’s vain (that part about the person looking in the mirror twirling his scarf made me remember working out in the McMaster gym and seeing guys checking themselves out in the mirror – one in particular was SO skeevy about it, fixing his hair and practically winking and making kissing motions at his reflection. Bleeeeah.)
So poignant about the kids lives, although funny for me, because Angus’s life I know barely anything about, whereas Eve gives me a daily rundown most days – sometimes twice a day! even thought she lives fives hours away. And I’m good with it.
WHO KNEW??? I just had no idea – but the dad’s story is kind of sad, this isn’t really a spoiler but he dies young. Also, the whole thing with her mother.
I had no idea either of them came from wealthy families, but I honestly am not familiar with them, besides a few of their songs.
Isn’t it strange how we don’t truly know so much about our children’s lives, once they start school? And I remember the first ‘just us’ trip we took, after having kids. Our youngest was only 18 months old, but it was a free trip through work, and I got to fly on the corporate jet, so we didn’t pass it up!
I’ll just say this about sexy time . . . we were always so excited when we had the rare occasion of having the house to ourselves!🤣🤣🤣
You just don’t pass up a chance to fly on the corporate jet!
Having the house to ourselves is VERY fun!
Nicole, your posts make me giggle quite often, in the best way possible. You really have a way with words, especially when you casually throw in a word like “boner” or “intercoursing” as if we are talking about what kind of dressing we want on our salad. Ranch please! Speaking of married sex, have you ever heard of lesbian bed death? While I always thought this would be a fabulous name for a band, in reality it is that two women often have less and less sex the longer they are together. So I wonder in how many married relationships the amount or quality of the sex is driven more by one gender or another. Do you have an opinion? Are you allowed to voice it in a comment without your MIL reading? 🙂
Hmmm. That is a really interesting question. I’ll have to think about it – I think there probably is some gender stuff that drives the amount of sex, but it probably has more to do with individual tastes, age, level of exhaustion, etc. This is interesting, I will give it more thought!
You made me laugh so much!
Intercoursing is my new favorite word; thanks for that.
I was a smidge concerned when both of the girls left the house, which happened in close proximity. I was all: “Don’t leave me with him!” And I remember Lindsay saying: “You Chose Him!” HA. Hey, it all worked out and honestly, once both of the girls were out of the house I told them to CALL FIRST in case we’re naked and that really threw them. We did have a sort of second honeymoon, a reawakening of why we love each other and we really had some fun together in and out of the house.
I didn’t know Baby James was an addict back in the day! I should read that book. I also LOVE that song so much and how cool that it’s not about ONE person as we’d always thought.
Awww, Suz, I just love that you and Coach had a second honeymoon of sorts. That is so wonderful and heartwarming. SO MUCH INTERCOURSING! Ha! Remember I live next door to my MIL now and I instituted a rule of “text first” JUST IN CASE we were busy. Busy and naked! I mean, so far that hasn’t been a problem but it was an honest-to-god worry of mine. This is not to say the text first rule has always been followed – far from it – but I have always, so far, been clothed.
Okay, I know we’re all trying to be diplomatic here with being sparing about details but your MIL note struck a chord.
As you know, my parents relocate close by in the winter and my dad has a key to our house. I don’t know if our car wasn’t in the driveway or we didn’t hear the door bell or HE DIDN’T RING THE DOORBELL but…read between the lines. Gah! Thankfully we could scramble into clothes fast enough and acted very nonchalant that he was rummaging around for something in the house and had interrupted us in the middle of intercoursing. As a result now, even in the middle of the day, the bedroom door gets closed and LOCKED.
DAD, NO!
Ahhhhh this is stuff of my nightmares! Yes to the LOCKED door!
Oh goodness, my MIL came over once without calling first, and rang the bell. We didn’t answer (we were busy, and my SIL lived in our same complex at the time, so she was probably coming over from there, could certainly go back there), so she went to the back door, which for some reason was unlocked. She came into the house, but thankfully didn’t come upstairs. ACK! I mean, come on.
ELISABETH I AM DYINGGGGGG!!!!
It seems to me you’ve been through many significant changes this last year, new place to live, son off in his own nest, different dynamics to your relationship with your retired husband. I know some years are all about doing things differently and how well you can adapt to it. Although it does often seem exhausting while you’re living through them.
Thanks Ally! It’s true, everything sort of happened at once! Ah well, I have always been a “pull the bandaid off quickly” type of gal.
God I love this blog. One second you are telling me the most relatable things about kids and the nest and the idea that they have lives without us (which is the whole reason I stay home because I want to be part of that life as long as possible) and then it’s JAMES TAYLOR’S VD. Love it.
I mean, I feel like I could work a discussion around James Taylor’s VD in any scenario AND MAYBE I SHALL! Sarah, we are two peas in a pod, I also really wanted to be part of their lives as much and for as long as possible.
I second Sarah’s comment above. She said it so well. I’m a clueless person when it comes to celebs and especially musicians. I did surprise myself that I knew so many of the singers in the We Are the World Documentary. Anyway, I was unaware that Carly Simon was married to Paul Simon. Do I live under a rock? I had no idea that Simon last name was associated with the book publisher. Wow. Talk about money. If I knew so little about these people’s connections to one another, then it will not come as a big surprise to you that I knew nothing about Paul Simon being so, well – such a player. Dear Lord, the story of the hired man to teach the son man things? All while said man was actively using his manhood to satisfy the mother. Stop it. This sounds like quite a racy read.
No no, Carly wasn’t married to Paul Simon – she was married to James Taylor. And someone else, an artist, whose name I forget. But yes, it was a very racy read with many juicy details!
I did get that, but I messed the names up in my comment. See, exhibit A, me = clueless in all things celebs. 😉
OMG, this comment section is making my heart sing! Am I a voyeur?! IDK, but it’s so interesting for me to read about how people in long-term partnerships keep the magic alive, hahaha. Thank you for indulging me in this!
Your wish is my command, Stephany! It is so interesting to see how to keep the home fires burning (it turns out for all of us those home fires only burn during the DAY!)
How you manage to also nonchalantly bring up and talk about serious topics and mix it with humor is beyond me, but you did it again.
I don’t have kids, so I don’t know personally what it feels like to experience the slow separation when kids get older and have their own lives but I have often thought about this very thing during the time when I first move to the US and my life was all of a sudden very separated from that of my family, more so than for other people. It’s a strange feeling and I can only imagine how this must feel in reverse for parents when they set their kids free into the world.
The long-term partnership/marriage part was interesting too. I am sure that parents go through completely different phases in their relationships than childfree people.
You know, I have wondered that about people who move very far away from their family of origin. I wonder how your parents felt as well, when you moved to another country. Maybe a future blog post idea for you? It is fascinating.