Let Your Love Flow Like A Mountain Stream
Last week I was channeling Miley Cyrus, this week I am all about Bob Marley. It’s been a very busy, very productive week, and – to also channel Melissa Manchester – I think we can make it.
Friends, this is going to sound like the most Out There, Hippie Shit ever, but I made a bit of a mental shift and suddenly, things started magically clicking. Maybe they would have clicked anyway! Maybe this is just a weird coincidence! Maybe our minds have nothing to do with what happens in our lives BUT early last week I was doing my yoga practice and throughout my sun salutations I kept thinking this is what my life is, this is my life, and then as I moved on to standing postures I thought I choose how to respond, and I accept this life and THEN throughout my seated vinyasa and closing I thought of the line in Desiderata, whether or not it is unclear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. I finished my practice, feeling peaceful and zen, and then everything started falling into place. Can that really be a coincidence? Maybe. But also? Maybe not.
My husband and older son drove a truckload of boxes and household items, including all our artwork, to our new house this weekend, leaving only nails and picture hangers, plus an incredible amount of dust on the walls. Did you know that the walls behind your pictures and artwork get very dusty? They do! In any case, I was absolutely astounded by the sheer amount of things my husband squeezed into his truck, and am now feeling much, much better about the move in general and what happens if everything doesn’t fit into the moving van in particular. I also have phoned the moving company not once, but twice, and they have been nothing but wonderfully reassuring, even in the face of my incredibly panicked, probably stupid questions. One such question? How do they make it fit? The women on the phone did not give me an answer like “lube, obvs,” or “that’s what she said” although I kind of wish they did. Instead, they explained, over and over, that the movers were essentially professional Tetris players, and after seeing what my husband – not a professional Tetris player – fit into his regular truck I am definitely feeling more confident.
We are also in the process of donating and selling cheaply a lot of items in the house, which means I was using our neighbourhood Buy Nothing group a lot, and you all know how that goes. My heart strings are pulled by stories of breakups and divorce and children needing items, and when I reach out to those people to arrange for a pickup or drop off? Crickets, they are chirping. I had reached my this is not worth it breaking point, and less than an hour after that the Diabetes Association called to see if I had any donations to be picked up. YES PLEASE, and also, the universe is unfolding as it should, om.
Doctor Doctor Give Me The News
I had two appointments in this past week with two different doctors, and at each appointment I ended up getting into a long, completely non-medical-related conversation. These conversations went on so long that I started to worry about other patients, and if their appointments would be delayed. I kept trying to close off the conversations with a smile and nod, and then they just kept going. What is it about me? I am a chatty person for sure, but there is something about me that seems to encourage long, in-depth conversations with random people, which, don’t get me wrong, I love, but also what about your other patients, you guys?
To illustrate the completely unrelated, non-medical nature of these conversations, one of the doctors talked to me about Snowmobile Culture In Rural Saskatchewan and his Love For Ice Fishing, which led to Bush Parties of Our Youth and Cruising Main Street As A Saturday Night Activity. This conversation was after my regularly-scheduled Pap smear, in which we also discussed Nicole’s Cervix: It’s In An Unusual Spot Which Is Why This Is So Awkward, a conversation we have every single time I get my Pap.
Doctor: I’m so sorry, this must be painful for you.
Me: I’m fine.
Doctor: I’m not! I’m sweating here.
Me: *starts laughing while the speculum is searching in vain for my elusive cervix, makes everything actually painful and even more awkward*
The conversation with the second doctor was my fault entirely. I noticed a photo of a much-younger him crossing a finish line, with a neon sign saying the time was 11 hours and 35 minutes. I asked the doctor if that was an Ironman he competed in, as I couldn’t imagine what else it could be, which started a very long discussion about how it was his first of three, segueing into How The Pandemic Changed Our Exercise Routines, which led to an involved discussion about my love for Peloton and his love of swimming pools and how devastating it was when they closed in 2020, and concluded with his suggestion that I myself compete in an Ironman before I turn fifty. Sir. I think you have grossly overestimated my interest and abilities, flattering as that is. Also flattering is that this doctor informed me that I am the “healthiest person he’s seen in years” and was definitively able to rule out MS as a cause for my constantly-going-numb left foot. Unfortunately, there is no telling why this happens and has happened for five years now, but a diagnosis of Definitely Not MS is really happy news.
Also happy news is that we have a date for the medical procedure for the recently-mentioned health issue, and that date is BEFORE we move. Now, this is the Canadian health care system so anything can happen, but as of now we have a date, we don’t have to think about going back and forth between provinces, and I am just so goddamn grateful.
This Is The End, Beautiful Friend
I wonder if all the community centre’s recent HVAC woes have helped me come to terms with saying goodbye to my beloved yoga classes. I taught my last two classes this week, and I felt very at peace with it. I expected to be very emotional and teary but I wasn’t; I was just happy that I was able to spend so many years at this place, getting to know all my wonderful students. They were so lovely, giving cards and notes and gifts and baking, and only one student burst into tears, which made it easier on me.
Many people have asked if I will teach yoga in my new city, and the answer is I don’t really know. I probably could, and I have a few ideas, but the yoga industry, such as it is, is very different from when I started teaching, what with so many studios closing after and during the pandemic. I advertised to the Calgary yoga community to take over my classes, and my inbox instantly exploded, and each interested potential teacher was incredibly qualified. There are just so many teachers competing for not very many classes, and I feel like the same is true for my new city. It might be time for a pivot!
School’s Out FOREVER
Speaking of pivots, my younger son has his last exam tomorrow, which means we are DONE with the public school system! I am no longer a Mother of School Aged Children, instead I am a Mother of Semi-Functioning Adults. Landslide to infinity.
Weekly Reading
Hold My Girl. Friends, I want so badly to champion every single book written by female Canadian authors, I really really do. I want to tell you to read and support all of them. But this book, well. I didn’t HATE it. I read it to the end because I was invested enough in the story to want to see how it turns out. And on the positive side, it did provoke some interesting thoughts about what makes a parent: is it biology, is it nurture, and is love like a pie that is finite or is it ever-expanding the more people we let in? So the concept – about an IVF mixup that led to two women discovering that the babies they had (one late-term miscarriage, one healthy birth) were not, biologically speaking, their babies – is interesting. The execution, however, was lacking. The story itself is cliched in every way, trite, and the dialogue stilted. And there are so many parts that I thought what, that would never happen, like how the women’s eggs were purposefully switched by the nurse who was a friend of one of the women (what, why), and the doctor revealed the name of each woman to the other without legal representation (what, how) that I just lost the thread a bit. Anyway, it’s fine but I hate that I can’t be more enthusiastic about it.
Buy Yourself The F*cking Lilies. I am not a person who is bothered in the least by swearing, generally, but I have a history of strongly disliking books that have a bleeped out F*ck in the title. If you can’t just say Fuck then just don’t say it, you know? I’m looking at you, Mark Manson and Caroline Dooner. Yes, I know this is a publishing thing but I stand by my anti-f*ck stance. I feel similarly when people use the word “effing” or “fricking.” Say it or don’t say it. And I also had a moment in the first few pages where I thought oh no, I am way too old for this as the author describes waking up in a hungover haze after her 25th birthday when she drunk-dialed her therapist and, although she doesn’t remember it, said she had nothing to live for. But I had heard her interviewed on a podcast and she seemed really lovely, so I gave the book a chance and I am SO glad I did. I really loved this book, which is part memoir, part self-help, part enthusiastic cheerleader. Yes, some of the self-help did not in the least apply to the stage of life I find myself in, but the rest of it was just so cheering, so affirming, and the author herself does so many things that I do personally – make your bed every day, treat yourself in small ways every day, don’t hang out with people who make you feel terrible – that I wondered could I write a book like this? It was truly joyful to read, and I am looking forward to reading her latest.
I am feeling energized and optimistic for the week ahead, like the universe is unfolding as it should. I hope you all have a wonderful week. xo
Nicole, you are the best! I so enjoy your outlook and raw honesty. I can’t wait until you are here.😁
IT’S VERY SOON!!!!
Nicole this was so beautiful. I am so happy that you have found such peace and acceptance with this wonderful, challenging, exciting, terrifying change in your life. As in all things I will try to adopt your mindset while facing my own season of change!
It is perfectly reasonable to me that your doctors would prefer chatting to you! And the healthiest person they have seen in years!!! Put that on a t-shirt!!!
Things are unfolding as they should! ❤️
Thank you so much, my friend! xoxo
While it’s frustrating not to have a diagnosis, yes, a diagnosis of Definitely Not MS is super happy news! I’m glad things started falling into place for you recently.
Definitely Not MS was a great non-diagnosis to have – it would be nice to have an actual reason, but this is good for now.
I’m glad you’ve gotten to a more Zen place about the move and that one of your health worries has been lifted. I remember moving (just a few miles from DC to Takoma) as being an enormous stressful thing, but maybe that was because Beth and I were both working full time and we had a one year old. Or maybe it always is.
Good luck in all your new adventures.
Working full time and moving with a one year old makes me feel like curling up into a ball. Ai yi yi. That’s serious stress!
HANG IN THERE!!!! The first vanload is out the door and the medical stuff is scheduled for before you move, so the tetris pieces are falling into place. You’ve got this!!!!!!!!!
Thanks Birchy! I feel like things are happening!
Lots of good news here! I’m so happy to hear it. You have such a great attitude about things, and it’s so great that “the universe is unfolding as it should.” (I LOVE Desiderata! It’s so full of wisdom and is so comforting to read.) I wish so much that I could chit chat with doctors, but I get so nervous, I can barely say anything.
Desiderata is the greatest thing ever written and I think about it every day!
I am so glad things are clicking into place- and I do 100% believe that our attitude and mindset are powerful factors in how things unfold. Well done on directing the universe!
I am assuming you didn’t sell your Calgary home, or we may have heard about it ?
You are definitely into the next stage of parenting. How exciting.
We did sell the Calgary home! It’s a hot market and it went fast (only one day!)
Things often feel so much better once they get started; a move is so overwhelming and you’ve had so many other things that needed to fall into place. In other words: the stewing is worse than the doing…but so often we can’t “do” for a long time, so it’s hard not to “stew.” I’m so glad you’re feeling more peaceful about next steps!! Best wishes on all the many final pieces that fit into place. I’m excited for you and can’t wait to follow along in this new chapter <3
And I laughed at this: "I am no longer a Mother of School Aged Children, instead I am a Mother of Semi-Functioning Adults."
Yes, you’re right – once we get started it’s so much easier. I completed a HUGE task yesterday and now I feel like I can take on anything!
I’m so glad you’re in a good mental space – you have so much going on!
Your comment about supporting women writers resonated particularly with me today because yesterday I went to the library to get some books for a trip. for the last few years I’ve been trying to read far fewer books by white men and more books by women and POC. I was extremely frustrated to find that many/most of the books by women that were available were of the mystery/suspense genre. I enjoy that genre but I’m really tired of books with an unreliable narrator because she’s drunk/injured/suffered a head injury/whatever and then we piece together what happened and it’s ridiculous or so unlikely that I just can’t get into it. There are just so many of them and they’re all titled something like The Woman In the Window or The Woman on the Train, or The Woman Grocery Shopping (ok that’s not one of them but I swear it will be at this rate). Sorry this turned into a rant, I just want more books by women at my library that are not these books. That said, I got Foreverland and plan to read it on my trip and can’t wait!
I don’t read much mystery or suspense either – but there are so many fabulous books by female authors. I read almost exclusively women authors and some are hits, some are misses, as with everything. The Woman Grocery Shopping could be a book about my life!
Yay! I’m so excited that things are falling into place. Moving is So. Hard. but then you look around one day and you’re home and all the boxes are unpacked (or stored in the basement, which is the same) and moving is in the rearview mirror.
That’s what I keep thinking, Engie! One day – and not too far away – this will all be done!
Oh, my friend, I understand fear and physical sensations, as well as wondering what it is and then getting good news. Despite all of my soul work, I still struggle with letting go and going with the flow of life. I’m glad you can do this in your life, especially during a stressful time. Moving is a major transition.
After Anna graduated from college last year, I had an out-of-body experience. She was sitting next to me when I realized she was an adult. OUT IN THE WORLD. It was extremely surreal. It’s both terrifying and exciting.
I am with you on the word fuck on book covers. Like, SAY THE WORD.
It’s so hard to let go, but so freeing if you can do it! The move is stressful but it’s happening!
I love “whether or not it is unclear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.” You have so much going on- moving, kids done with school, saying goodbye to your yoga classes. You could make yourself insane with sadness, or just know that the universe is unfolding as it should. I’m very excited for this move, to see your new house, and find out all about your new area! Sounds like the time is near. Good luck with everything!
EXACTLY JENNY. I could spend my days mired in sadness and nostalgia, or I could…not do that? Things are happening!
You have no idea how relieved I am to hear that you are in a better place. Moving is so incredibly stressful and with everything else (health issues, the transition from being a Mother of School Age Children to a Mother of Semi-Functioning Adults – all of these things by themselves are stressful enough) piled on top; I know it is/was overwhelming. But yes, the universe is unfolding as it should. xo
Thanks so much Gigi, I appreciate you and your support so much!
Wow. This is a full post. I really join you in the swearing. It doesn’t bother me and I feel like JUST SAY IT. I’m relieved that things started to click into place. Hooray for the surgery before you move, but also SURGERY BEFORE YOU MOVE? How? I’m glad you ruled out MS. The doctor conversations sounded interesting. I didn’t realize that you weren’t going to be teaching anymore. That is quite a change, but I’m so happy that you feel at peace with everything. Good for you. Hooray to have moved beyond having school age children. I detest trite books. I can’t with that kind of thing. You are nicer than me, becasuse I think I would’ve dropped it.
Happy rest of the move. Oh, and behind my pictures isn’t the only dusty part of my house. Confession told. 😉
Thanks so much Ernie – and yes, just say FUCK. I don’t want to hear Eff. Say it or don’t!
Lololol about the dust.
I’m not 100% sure about the teaching – we will see! I have to survive this move first, eek.
You could ABSOLUTELY write a book like this – you kind of have been all along, know what I mean? I don’t know what sun salutations are yet, and I think maybe I should investigate, although we both know that the way I roll I should maybe learn sun putting-to-bed-utations instead.
One of the books in the book subscriptions that a friend got me for my birthday – where you get a book and corresponding little gifts, which is so fun – was like the first one. Story could have been interesting, but it was so trite and phoned-in there was literally no tension , just a string of events. I’ve also read a couple of quite tragic memoirs lately, and it’s always hard giving them a low rating, but we are supposed to be rating how much we liked the book, not how tragic someone’s life is, right? Still hard.
I’m sad you’re moving EVEN FURTHER from me, but happy things are falling into place.
“you kind of have been all along” made me tear up. Thank you, my dear friend.
I feel that way about some memoirs too. The story was so sad but…I didn’t like it? So that’s how I rate the books, how they make me feel, with an extra point if I think it’s really well done.
Another hour on our time difference!!
Oh the picture of your little boys– so sweet.
I have been setting an intention very deliberately every morning in my yoga practice, and it has been a GAME CHANGER for me.
Yes, please write a book like that xoxo
Intentions are such powerful ways to start the day! Thanks Sarah. xo
Movers are magicians. They are so very good at figuring out how to get all of your stuff in a truck. I’ve been through several moves and it’s always worked out so I say trust their tetris skills!
I am glad you are feeling more at peace with everything! This here is how I feel about Paul being done with daycare this week: “I expected to be very emotional and teary but I wasn’t; I was just happy that I was able to spend so many years at this place, getting to know all my (his wonderful classmates).” Except I don’t at all expect to be teary and would shocked if I cried (plus my lexapro evens my emotions out to the extent that crying is unlikely – this is a good thing, though). It’s good to feel at peace with a transition but I am sure you will be so very missed! But it sounds like there’s a huge pool of talent that you can pass the torch to. On that note, it seems like even in my industry, the job market is very tight… I am kind of shocked at the pool of candidates I’m choosing from. I will end up interviewing 6 people and, on paper, they all seem fantastic. I’m kind of stressed about the rejection process because so they all seem like they’d be excellent hires…
That’s interesting to hear how many qualified candidates you have, Lisa! It’s a good problem to have but so hard to make a decision. I guess at that point, any decision is going to be a good one.
The mindset shift is so important! Thanks for the reminder. I’m so intrigued/inspired by your move. I find myself thinking if I could do the same? I look forward to learning how you manage all the new things: doctors, grocery stores, vets, etc. It’s exciting! And maybe it’s like you said, keep it simple, make your bed, do yoga, set your intentions. Life is a wild ride!
I am sure the blog is going to be so much “me getting used to and adapting to Kelowna” in the next six months. The doctor thing is the most worrisome, so I’m sure I’ll be writing about nail salons and hair stylists and other VERY IMPORTANT things 🙂
O, beginnings and endings, they have both gains and losses. I’m looking forward to following your new chapter in life.
Erin, you said it. Gains and losses on both sides, and that’s life!
Thank you this uplifting post. The universe does unfold as it should. Namaste ((hugs))
Thank you, Daria!
I am over Buy Nothing – and giving things away on Facebook at all. Now I just take things to my local thrift store, which allows people to get things for cheap prices, and they donate all the proceeds to charities. It’s a win/win – and no dealing with those flakers! Glad to hear of your mindset shift and things turning around this week. I can’t wait to hear more about your move, which seems bittersweet but full of wonderous new potential. You’re only a few years older than I am, and here I am about to have my youngest start kindergarten! Oh, these big life events!
Sarah, THANK YOU for validating me. I always feel like I *should* take the time to do Buy Nothing, to help people in my neighbourhood, but then I regret it because it takes so much time and effort TO GIVE AWAY FREE THINGS. So now I’m just donating straight up.
Kindergarten is such a sweet year, I’m so happy for you and all the fun you have ahead of you!
Not MS is good news and now you wait to find out something concrete? It’ll give you time to train for that Iron[wo]man competition before you turn fifty! What a thing for a doctor to say. Some of them are really off the wall. 😉
Lol, I cannot imagine a world in which I would actually compete in an Ironman! I don’t know what the answer is about my foot, and neither did my doctor, so we are on wait-and-see mode.
Oh this got me in the feels! That Bob Marley song is what we consider our family song; we’ve sung it to my girl her whole life (and to each other) through hospitalizations and hard times and dinners on the deck and her and her dad with his ukulele at Open Mics. I even call us the 3 Little Birds…. It’s like you knew I needed the reminder! Sending you all the good moving vibes – change is hard, but everything really is gonna be alright!!
I’m so glad it spoke to you, Lindsay! Thanks for the good vibes!
A lovely update to read! I know this move and all of these changes were really weighing on you, and there’s something to be said about letting yourself grieve about chapters closing and the uncertainty of the future. And now you can really start thinking about what you want from that future and your new home and new community. <3
The title of this post holds such meaning for me. It's the song my friend Mikaela sang over and over the first night she was in the hospital with her baby after finding out her baby had cancer. It brought her so much comfort.
Oh, I hope that baby is doing all right now.
Thanks Stephany, I think I needed to go through a sad process to feel happy. Also, it is currently four degrees here so I’m looking forward to better weather!
You got this! Woo! Okay, that was as cheerleadery as I get. But seriously, I will mirror many of the above, in that getting started, or making the decision is sometimes the hardest thing of all! And now you have done that, so things CAN fall into place, because you are in a place of action now, not inaction/waiting/hoping/wondering/worrying etc.
However, you need to give yourself time and a bit of a break because you are doing a lot of life changing things all at once! I remember taking a sociology class and the professor talked about how stressful “life changes” could be, even good ones like weddings or buying a new house, and she said that when you put many of these things together, it can really be hard and you need to realize that and go easy on yourself. That was over 20 years ago (woof) and I still remember those words when I feel like I am heaping a lot on my plate.
Thanks Kyria, it IS a lot going on and I am trying to extend myself and everyone around me a lot of grace. But woooooo it’s a lot!
Nicole, You heard me channeling Bob Marley to you from Jamaica!!! 🤗 Every little thing is indeed to going to be alright, and I’m so glad that you’re both feeling the shift in mindset and experiencing the universe aligning with your plans. And I’m so happy for you that you’re feeling better about the the logistics of the move since you’ve kind of low-key started.
You’re so easy and lovely to talk to, I’m not in the least bit surprised that busy people WANT to take the time out of their jam-packed day to relax with you a bit! And I’m so glad that for once the move of someone I like does not have to mean I will miss them, since you’ll be right here! XOXO
Oh, this is such a lovely comment, Maya, thank you. Once things are “settled” we shall have another zoom call? I’d love that.
Landslide To Infinity.
That would be a great blog name.
Congrats on letting all the crapola go from your brain; I love your hippie mind shift. It’s healthy!
I can not believe that MS was on the table as a cause. THAT IS SOME SCARY SHIT!
I had a visit with my Dr. this week and she was going on and on too; like, don’t you have more people after me? But I wonder if they give her extra time with people because she really wants to know about my entire life each year when I see her.
SO happy things are moving forward in a good direction for you and your family.
Lol, Suz, between the two of us we are quite a pair! I hope we meet one day because I feel like we will chat the whole day away!
Landslide to Infinity WOULD be a good blog name!
I had to laugh at your book review. My Middle Child, who works at the library, is constantly telling me about all the books with F*ck in the title. I would say it’s obscene, but it’s so common now, that it probably goes unnoticed!
I’ve heard exactly the same stories here about Facebook Marketplace, where people act all interested in items and then ghost the seller. What is wrong with people??
“What is wrong with people” is a question for the ages, Bijoux!
I am excited about your move and share more about the where and why once you’re settled. It’s bitter-sweet to leave a place, but it sounds like you’re taking the right attitude… an attitude of gratefulness for the time and the memories!
I am also happy about the great medical news and hope the second appointment will be just as positive!
Thanks so much, San!
Oh, Desiderata. That hits me right in the heart, Nicole. That was what I read at my HS graduation. <3 I still get that phrase randomly floating through my head periodically, which usually indicates that I need to step back, take a breath, and loosen my tight hold on my life. 🙂
I'm sorry you are dealing with more than one medical issue, but it's wonderful that MS was ruled out. I hope that the other issue has been or will soon be resolved. Sending positive thoughts your way for that one. (And re: the numbness, they've evaluated you for sciatica, haven't they?)
Thinking of you with your imminent move… <3
You read it at your HS grad? I can’t remember anything anyone did at my HS grad, except for the historian and valedictorian. Were you the valedictorian??
It’s definitely not sciatica. I had that while pregnant with my first and it is definitely not that.