I am not at all a stress or emotional eater – in fact, in trying times I tend to lose my appetite and forget to eat – but I am a Taurus, and I love to treat myself, particularly when I have had a lot of onerous or tiring tasks. Not always is that treat food-related, although I do love a good Lindor or a bowl of chips with guacamole. More often that treat is a book I’ve been looking forward to after I have washed the floors or an interesting podcast to listen to while doing something boring like folding the laundry. Friday nights that treat is a nice glass or three of wine, to celebrate the start of the weekend. Sometimes I treat myself with a nice bottle of scented lotion or a new beauty product. And then sometimes, I feel the need to bake myself a cake.
Hoo boy, it has been a week, and also, there is more to come. In a nine-day span, every male in this house will have had a medical thing to deal with: my older son had LASIK surgery last week, which turned out to be a real success, my husband has a colonoscopy today, and if you have ever had one yourself, you know that the prep is much, much worse than the actual procedure, and my younger son has not only another podiatrist appointment this week, but his dental surgery got bumped up to this coming Wednesday. That latter is actually a blessing, since I received information that the Grade 12 BBQ and yearbook signing party is on the day that he WOULD have had the surgery, had the surgery not been moved. As it is, he won’t miss the festivities, and he will be hopefully all healed up by that time.
By saying yes to everything and being encouraging of all activities, I have been really committed to ensuring my son has a really great senior year, and I think that he has. In the past, the school has put on a banquet for graduation – except, of course, for the 2020-21 grad classes – but this year, the school decided to have a big dance instead, with grads only, no family members allowed. The school did, however, ask for parent volunteers.
Me: Oh hey, honey, the school needs parent volunteers for the…
My son: No.
Me: But…
My son: NO.
I mean, it’s probably for the best. Who wants their mom hanging around their grad party, even if she is considered to be the Cool Mom? The theme was “A Night In Hollywood” and my son went with a group of his buddies, and it was the best time ever, the end.
Careful readers may have noticed that I said every male in this house, and as such, Rex is included. Oh, Rex. The day of my son’s graduation I took him to doggy day care, as I didn’t want to leave him alone in the house all day. It’s like I have a giant furry toddler. The very next day he whimpered at 5:30 am to be let out and then had, how shall I say this delicately, explosive stomach upset. ONE day at doggy day care! IT IS JUST LIKE HAVING A GIANT FURRY TODDLER. It seemed to be a fairly isolated incident, with a couple of less-dramatic incidents, and he had his usual enormous level of energy, eating and drinking normally. I didn’t worry and I moved on with my life.
That is, until Tuesday when he again whimpered to be let out, this time at 5:00 am, and then he was outside a LOT. One thing no one really tells you when you have a baby is how much time and energy you spend examining their diapers and noting things like colour and “seediness.” The same goes for pets. I found myself examining the back yard and when I discovered blood in one of the very loose stools, I went from Perfectly Calm to Panic at the Doggy Disco. I called the vet who said that they could not get him in until the next day, but if I wanted to come by to grab some probiotics, that would probably help. The next day was when my son was having eye surgery, and then he had checkups the day after that, and it was all the way across the city, during rush hour, and no, I could not bring Rex in the next day, all was ashes.
Panic Level High, I headed to the vet to pick up probiotics and then found myself bursting into tears at the front desk, being completely unable to speak, and unfortunately, the woman I was sobbing in front of was not the same woman who I spoke with on the phone, so she was completely puzzled and alarmed. Who is this crying woman? Did her dog die? Finally the woman I had spoken to did come by, looking at near-hysterical me, and then asked me to wait a moment. She came back to say that if I was willing to just drop Rex off for the afternoon, the vet would squeeze him in between appointments and then call me when she had examined him.
I zoomed home and then zoomed back to the vet, then zoomed over to pick up groceries, but I could not calm down. I could NOT calm down. Rationally I couldn’t understand it: I was doing everything I needed to do, Rex, by all measures other than his BMs, was obviously fine, everything was okay. Still, I couldn’t settle. I would take deep breaths and then my eyes would well up, looking at the bananas and spinach. Then I had a notification on my phone, which is when I realized the date: it would have been Barkley’s birthday. At that point I started crying in the produce section. It was just too much. Everything in my life felt like Too Much. I managed to settle myself down enough to finish shopping – buying all sorts of weird “low fibre” foods for my husband’s upcoming colonoscopy prep – and to drive home. I had just finished putting everything away when the vet called me with the good news that Rex just needed to be dewormed, he was fine, and I could come and pick him up.
Because of Rex’s size, he was in an exam room all by himself, as opposed to in a kennel. The vet started to lead me to the room he was in…and it was the room in which Barkley died.
So it’s been kind of an emotional week, I have to say, and I’ve got a lot to get through this coming week. One foot in front of the other, the only way out is through, etcetera, but hopefully there will be less crying at Superstore.
Weekly Reading
Yellowface. I really love when a book has a lot of nuance, a lot of questions, and nothing that is black or white. This satirical novel about a woman stealing her dead friend’s manuscript, editing it, and passing it off as her own is absolutely incredible and full of so many unanswered questions. The biggest question it poses is who gets to tell what story? This is a very interesting question to me and I think about it a lot. For example, years ago I read American Dirt and really enjoyed it; it was only afterward that I found out about all the controversy surrounding the author. But does that take away from the story? For me it didn’t, for you it might. It’s important to note that women have been telling men’s stories, and vice versa, and I don’t tend to think that’s wrong. Of course, there is the added layer of the publishing industry and the biases and exclusions involved. To add to the irony, the author tells a story about a white woman, which she is not. In addition to the big question, there are many small ones. What about the creative process? Where do stories come from? If an idea comes from a conversation, and a book is written about it, was that a stolen idea? Another theme in this book is the role of social media in our society and the “pile ons” that can happen. There were just so many things that brought to mind the last fifteen years of social media, trolls, etc., and how they affect real people. This book shows the competitive nature of publishing and how everyone is scrambling to get a piece. At the heart of it, this book shows how a lie can turn into a giant web of lies, and how keeping secrets can kill a person from the inside out. I almost never say this, but wow, this book lived up to the hype!
When The Apricots Bloom. I thought I would love this book about 2002 Iraq. It has, theoretically, everything I love in a book: description of a different culture, an alternate look at an international political situation, three women protagonists and how they are connected. But yet, I did not like this book AT ALL. The plot, which should have been interesting – the secret police, espionage! – dragged and the dialogue was terribly stilted. What a disappointment.
On this emotional roller coaster of a week, I had my first kale harvest of the year! The gnomes must be helping. I had planted a few different varieties and they were delicious. I hope you all have a beautiful, non-roller-coaster style week, with lots of fresh produce and minimal produce aisle crying. xo
I have cried in so many stores and parking lots and waiting rooms; sometimes, when it all hits you, it hits you! I am sorry you had such a rough run of moments – that’s a lot of feelings to fit into a week. I hope you rallied with some cake and some rest!
Thanks so much, Lindsay!
I’m sorry it was such a hard week. I hope the cake helped and I’m glad Rex is okay.
It seems funny to me that there are still school events after graduation. We don’t have that.
Steph, J still has classes and exams! He’s not actually done until June 20!
That’s crazy! When kids graduate here, they’re done. The seniors finish classes three weeks before 9-11th graders in our school district. (When I was in high school it was just a week earlier.)
Oh Nicole, my heart hurts to think of you crying in the store. What an ordeal. I hope everything goes better for you from now on. And hooray for the garden gnomes helping with your harvest!
Thanks Michelle – since I cut some kale I can now see Salvadore clearly from my window. He was a bit hidden by the kale before!
Oh, no! Well, if it is at all comforting, I’ve cried a fair number of times at the grocery store, too. It seems like buying groceries and doing regular mundane chores are the final straws for me when my life is hard. I’m glad Rex is okay and I hope all the other health things go smoothly!
My friend had a colonoscopy this morning and wrote: Actual procedure 9/10. Prep 0/10 do not recommend. I am not looking forward to having to do this!
Yeah, it’s pretty icky on all counts, and your friend is right – the procedure isn’t bad (from my view, I haven’t actually had to do one myself).
Oh, my goodness, with all that, no wonder it was All Too Much! I got sympathy-stressed just reading it. Is there cake left, can you go have more cake? Have more cake.
The cake is all gone! But it did help!
I get why it was All. Too. Much. Sometimes weeks gang up on you and try your very last nerve, even the simple becomes difficult. I’m glad Rex is okay and that you seem to be too. Hoping you have a better week.
The week DID gang up me, that is a perfect description, Ally! Why is this week such a bully??
Ohhhh that is all SO MUCH, and I am so glad to hear it was something straightforward and fixable for poor Rex!! Awhile back, one of our cats had a Very Startling Bloody Litter Box Issue, and I similarly hit the ceiling (I loved “went from Perfectly Calm to Panic at the Doggy Disco”), and it was something similarly fine, with the similar suggestion of PROBIOTICS for heavens sake. I do not think of BLOOD IN THE STOOL as a probiotics-level event!!
No, I don’t either, I go from zero to UNFIXABLE HEALTH ISSUE POSSIBLY DEATH immediately!
Oof that is a lot in one week. Last week my cat got diagnosed with an illness that is treatable but it takes while and costs $$$ and I held it together when the vet called and then burst into tears in my office, which I hate. I have a strict no crying at the office policy and yet… My cat is going to be fine, it’s FINE told myself repeatedly until I pulled myself together. Then I stayed my office with the door closed until my puffiness and red eyes got back to normal. Bleh.
I also had a colonoscopy last month and the procedure was absolutely no big deal but the prep… I don’t do well without food and then the process itself was not fun. All in all I don’t recommend it except that I really don’t want to get colon cancer so let’s face it, I will do it again someday like it or not. Sigh. Being an adult is crap sometimes.
Awww poor cat! I have definitely cried at work many times and it’s AWFUL. I feel you, babe.
Literally it’s crap! Lol. This was my husband’s third, and it’s important but also SUCH A PAIN.
Oh, Nicole. What a week (month/year) for you. So many changes and tough things and just a lot of stress. I’m so glad Rex is doing well and I’m glad that the LASIK procedure went smoothly. You know how my PRK experience went, so I’m not going to lie – I am jealous of people who could go the LASIK route!!
I am a crier. I really tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve and cry easily. One of my favourite things about eating intuitively is allowing food for hard emotions. I used to emotionally eat before and felt horrible about it. Now I see food as being an acceptable option for coping with hard times. Somehow giving myself that permission makes a huge difference. Other treats on hard days: a long, hot shower, a walk with a friend, and tidying a space. But it’s always hard to beat cake!
And yay for kale from your garden!!
I love that you allow yourself treats for hard emotions! I think that is a good way to cope and it’s good to not feel bad about it! I’m not a crier, so when I do, I feel really out of character.
I wish you could have gotten the LASIK! My son’s recovery was literally nothing!
Oh man, that all sounds highly stressful. I don’t have a pet, so maybe this is a dumb question, but did Rex get worms just by being in doggy day care one day, or was it just a coincidence?
Your story about your son…..lol, mine also refused to let me volunteer from about 5th grade on. When I did chaperone his high school marching band trip to Disney, he acted like he didn’t know me! Hahaha! I understood.
Well, no one really can say, but would be a weird coincidence if he just happened to pick up a worm NOT from doggy day care. It’s possible, though. But he probably picked it up from another dog. He’s very social so he likes playing with other dogs which is probably how it happens.
Oh no, Nicole! What a week! I am glad that Rex is ok and just needs to be dewormed but how terrifying! And to have to go into the same exam room that Barkley was in would be so very triggering. Plus you’re in the midst of other stress in life, the end of a season of having kids in school, etc etc. I wish I could hug you! I used to cry a lot more but honestly my anxiety meds (blessedly) level things out for me (which is necessary in my case) that I don’t cry very easily anymore. But I cried a lot on airplanes 10 years ago when I was preparing to move to Charlotte, moved there, and then on flights back to Charlotte after trips home. Oh boy did I cry – sometimes I cried for the entire 3 hour flight. No one ever asked why which is probably a relief. So I feel you on the crying in the aisle experience.
I will have to read Yellowface – your review sold me! I also read American Dirt except I knew about the controversy around it. But I still enjoyed it and felt like it showed me what migrants will go through to come to the US. If it could open the eyes of someone else about the sacrifices they make and the sheer terror they experience, I think it’s worth being written. I seek out owned voices, too, like Solito – the memoir of a boy that crossed the border at age 9. But you raise a good point about all the stories about women that have been written by men!
I really did enjoy American Dirt and I thought it was absolutely eye-opening. I guess I did not think as much about the reasons WHY people migrate from their home country prior to that book, but I think about it all the time now. So it was kind of an expanding book for me.
I’m not going to lie, things have been pretty tricky and emotional lately, but one step at a time, right?
Oh my goodness Nicole!! So much to deal with. I totally get the meltdown. You deserve all the tears, the wine and the cake. I have added Yellowface to my list (loved the Crying in H Mart reference- ii loved that book!).
Thanks Pat, I think you will really enjoy Yellowface!
I have taken to crying when doing the end-of-the -day dishes, when I’m feeling overwhelmed by the pile up of “regular” life stuff. Crying in the grocery store makes total sense to me. There’s something about the repetitive nature of these routine tasks that allows our overwhelm to come out.
I’m sorry about the vet room connection to Barkley. I would have been done after that and would have wanted to just crawl into a dark closet and hide from the world for a bit.
I had my first ever colonoscopy today and, good grief, the prep was even worse than I imagined. There was definitely crying going on with that! Our bodies are not meant to consume that quantity of ick. It was truly awful.
I was pleased that I don’t have to have another one for 10 years and I am desperately hoping that we have found a gentler method of prepping by then.
Also, I’m glad that your boys are doing well with excellent vision and festivities! Hope the oral surgery goes well.
Here’s to a week of less crying.
Take care.
Yikes, your colonoscopy was today! You and my husband are colonoscopy twins! This was his third, I think, and the prep has been slightly different each time, but still, there’s no getting around the, um, cleansing.
And thanks for your compassion! It was definitely a very hard day.
I hope your husband’s colonoscopy went well and that he is back to his normal self today.
Thanks so much – there’s some complications but he is feeling his normal self, so that’s something.
I’m sorry that there are complications.
((hugs))
Oh Nicole! That was A LOT and I totally understand the crying in the produce aisle. I think we’ve all been there a time or ten.
Too much indeed! I am glad Rex is OK and the cake looks fab. I have to schedule my first colonoscopy and I have put it for almost 6 months because I just do not even want to do it, prep and all.
The prep is really awful, Sarah, I’m not going to lie, but please don’t put it off anymore! Trust me on this. We’ve had some not great news so please, please go schedule it.
Oh Nicole, that’s too much for one week. If you got through it with nothing more than a few public crying spells, then you are doing excellent. Enjoy your cake, and I bet that a nice glass of wine alongside would go down well.
Birchy, you know me so well. YOU KNOW ME SO WELL. But I think you have a typo? You spelled “bottle” G-L-A-S-S.
Nicole. NICOLE. This is too much. Omg. You poor sweet woman this is all too much, you are having an Extremely Emotionally Challenging Time right now and good god I am sending you ALL the hugs and the grit-teethed powering-through. There will be a time after this. xxxooo
Thank you so much Suzanne, I am truly powering through right now. You’re right. There will be a time after this. xoxoxo
Quite a bit of roller coastering and crying here right now, but what can you do. The Barkley anniversary coupled with poor Rex’s alarming poop emergency probably hit you even more than you would realize – the body keeps anniversaries like that without us even realizing sometimes.
I found out about the American Dirt grossness before I read the book, and for me it killed any desire to read it. I’ve heard it’s good, and I don’t beat myself up if I read a book and like it and then find out the author is a dick, but there are so many books, I don’t generally seek out the book AFTER I already know about the associated dickishness.
Big hugs – I hope all the crying is happy for a while.
Yes, the body does keep anniversaries, it’s really remarkable.
Nicole Love, this is entirely way too much! I’m glad you’re feeling better, there was cake, all recoveries are going smoothly, and that there was some good reading. Barkley’s birthday and being led to that room would of course wreak havoc… I agree with Allison when they say that the body keeps the score on anniversaries like that. How overwhelming on top of the graduations and the move (I think you said something was imminent a few months ago?).
Love that you’re the cool mom… of course!! Did your reunion happen already? Here’s to a fun, lighthearted, and lovely week! XOXO
Thank you Maya xoxo
OMG Nicole. My heart sank because I misread what you said about Barkley dying in that room. Nonetheless, I completely understand how scared you must have been because that would have made me a mess. I’m reading the comments above, and I never considered the body remembering anniversaries in this way. It’s in our DNA.
I am sending you peace and love, which I hope you can feel. This week, I might eat some cake for you.😘💕
I think you should eat some cake for me! Thanks for the well wishes. xo
I’m making cream cheese blondies today. So, cake-ish. 😘
Ohhh, I’m so sorry you had to go through that and get so stressed out!! Scary! I’m so glad he’s okay!! By the way, what kind of dog is he again? He’s just SO CUTE.
Totally understand the kid-not-wanting-you-to-volunteer thing. LOL. My 8th grade grad is the same way. I did volunteer at a school event last week, but “fortunately” for him, I was assigned to a different group. 😉
Thanks Kae! He’s a Bernedoodle, and he is just the sweetest puppers ever! Such a gift.
Wow Nicole, this was quite a week for you. I can see why you were crying into the produce. Without going into details (because it would be sad and depressing) I have had experiences like that, where I felt very emotional “for no reason” but then later realized it was an important day, and there was a very good reason to be sad. I’m glad everyone is okay!
Based on your review, I’ll try Yellowface. I read Babel by the same author and liked it- this one seems very different but also intriguing.
Thanks Jenny!
I think you’ll like Yellowface. I found it fascinating. I think that, based on what I’ve heard, it is VERY different from Babel.
Oh goodness. This is a lot to manage. I’m glad Rex is OK. and I’m glad the surgery got bumped so your guy can attend his festivities. The colonoscopy is so unpleasant and I’ve had my fair share of those. I had to do a cleanse yesterday and it wasn’t terrible because I could eat but the day felt unproductive except that I did what the doc wanted.
Sorry it all hit you in the face (IN THE FACE – we say this all the time as a quote from Old School and now I can’t say it without quoting the movie). This is how I felt the day I showed up for my SIBO test and misunderstood how to do the prep. I was an emotional disaster and could NOT get a handle on myself. Hooray for baking/eating cake.
I have a lot going on at the moment (more than usual) and I hope to share soon, but I can’t even believe it is Tuesday night and I’m just now reading your post.
I am looking forward to hearing what you have going on! Thanks for your thoughts and well wishes.
Nicole, my heart breaks for you having this tough time. One foot in front of the other, is the only option and I know you will do it and do it with Grace. You are still mourning your lovely boy and all the other boys are filling your days with STUFF.
Big hugs from me to you. XO
Thanks Suz, I know you understand this very well. xo
So very sorry you had a rough week. Hope things stabilize soon. Thank you for your honest reviews: I want to get Yellowface soon, my library has a huge waitlist for that book. Kale looks so amazingly crisp and cake, well, I wanna eat it. Sending hugs!
Thanks Daria – I thought Yellowface was very much worth the wait (it was a long while for me to get it from the library as well).
I know I am late in commenting, but I read your post, then read all of the comments because…what a good group of ladies you have here! There are so many interesting and supportive comments! I am not a crier; I usually only cry when I am angry (and that is embarrassing and no way to win an argument, especially when it is with a coworker or the lady at the post office) but am otherwise fairly stoic as I was once told. However, I have never been in your shoes and I am sure that all of the changes and things going on in your life are causing so many feelings and stresses to come out! I would probably reach my breaking point if I were you! Hopefully your wee cry got the toxins out and this week is starting to shape up for you.
On another note, I have not read American Dirt but I do not know about the controversy (I do know it is about immigration, but not much more than that), so maybe I will read that since you liked it and I will also put Yellowface on my list.
Thanks Kyria. I have had some low moments this month for sure and it’s only June 8. Sheesh. Anyway, I am feeling like I can handle things, hopefully!
You have been dealing with a lot, friend. I’m sorry things feel so very MUCH right now. Change is my biggest anxiety triggers and I struggle with it so much. And you are going through a LOT of changes all at once. No wonder!
The controversy with American Dirt is not so much, “Do white people get to write brown people’s stories” but rather why this book received so much marketing dollars/buzz when authors of color who are writing similar stories do not receive anything like that. The book I recently read, We Are Not From Here, tells a very similar story. It has 5,000 Goodreads ratings compared to American Dirt’s 510,000 ratings. The author of We Are Not From Here is Latinx, not white. I haven’t read American Dirt, and maybe it is very well-written, but so was We Are Not From Here, but barely anyone knows about it. And that’s a travesty.
Oh, totally Stephany. I think the fault lies with the marketing machine/ publishing industry. So many books get so much hype, and most of the time I think it’s just not deserved. There are so many good authors that do not get the “buzz” that, let’s face it, white authors do. It’s a travesty for sure. I have We Are Not From Here on my TBR list – and I noticed that there are not many holds for it at the library. This is how I gauge things – how long will it take to get it from the library shows how much hype there is.
Stephany, This is such a brilliant and succinct–perfect, really–summary of the problem. Thank you!
Oof, it sounds like you had a really full week – so no wonder the worry about Rex pushed you over the edge. I am so glad all is well though.
Yay, kale harvest! I love kale as salad… so many people despise kale, but it’s become one of my favorite vegetables!
Kale salad is fantastic. So crisp! We had another one for dinner last night.
Oh, my, Nicole. Far, far too much. I, like everyone else, have choked up in the most inopportune locations. I can’t even imagine all of the stress you were under this week. Caring for everyone else – of course you were feeling completely overwhelmed.
Although, we shall have to agree to disagree on the kale. I just… can’t. It’s the one vegetable I cannot eat. 🙂
Oh, and my final comment – a PSA for the colonoscopy. I know the prep sucks. Please, everyone, do it anyway! It saves lives. <3
It was a lot. A lot! But things have turned around. Thanks Anne!