I had a haircut last week, which is an infrequent enough occurrence that it merits a mention. It’s hard for me to believe that, pre-2020, I had a professional cut and colour every five to six weeks. Looking back, it feels like that was a grievous waste of time and money. I remember asking long-haired friends, mid-2020, how frequently they cut their hair and the average answer was, at best, two to three times a YEAR. This was eye-opening for me, to say the least.
It sounds silly, but the realization, back in April 2020, that I could easily and effectively colour my own hair was incredibly empowering and life-changing. I know, I know. But I had been going to a salon for colour for over two decades at that point, so I really didn’t know how great home hair colour is, how easy it is to apply, not to mention the massive savings of time and money. I mean, a box of Garnier is about 5% the cost of a salon visit, and I don’t need to book off an entire afternoon to refresh my colour; I can do it whenever my roots start to irritate me, which is every four weeks at the very most.
This brings me to what I have been wanting to say for the past eighteen months or so, and that is that I have been going to a new hair salon. This is the fourth time I have had my hair cut by this very lovely young woman, and I have never been happier with my hair. She is incredibly patient and doesn’t say a word about the state of my ends, which, with 5-6 months between cuts, are quite scraggly and dry. She shows me exactly how much she is going to cut off, and then she does it, without any surprises. She doesn’t lecture me on colouring my own hair, even if I have roots showing. She DOES tell me I should wear my hair down more, to cut down on breakage, but I accept her professional opinion while not generally adhering to it.
I am very happy with this new salon, but I feel low-level embarrassment and shame about leaving my old salon, which brings me to the question: how do you break up with your hair stylist?
Typically, if you are unhappy with or outgrow a service or a consumer good, you simply just stop patronizing or purchasing it. If you have a poor experience with a restaurant, you just stop going to that restaurant. If you outgrow or change so that the goods you consume no longer suit you, it’s easy to just stop purchasing them. This is just part of life, if it wasn’t, we would all still be using Aussie Scrunch Spray in our spiral permed hair and wearing Lip Smackers and using Wet & Wild nail polish, we’d be reading Sassy magazine and shopping at Mariposa, and yes I know that some of these things are no longer in existence. Nonetheless! Change is part of life, and we have power as consumers to vote with our dollars and feet.
But I think we can all agree that changing hair stylists is Another Thing Altogether. The relationship between a woman and her hair stylist is an intimate one and is based on trust that is built up over the years. No other service is quite so intimate, except perhaps estheticians that work on the bikini line. I mean, the woman who does my euphemistically-named Bikini Plus body sugaring sees me completely naked from the waist down, and has me put my legs in positions that would make me blush if I wasn’t basically dead inside when it comes to Intimate Esthetics. Other than the long-suffering Body Sugar Woman, the hair stylist holds the title for Most Intimate.
I was with my previous hair stylist for nineteen years, which, at the time that I last saw her, was almost as long as I had been married. I don’t want to go into too much detail here, but when I last saw her in September 2020, my visit left so much to be desired, and was so disappointing on a number of levels, that I felt I needed to start the search for a new stylist. My hair, which I had been growing out, was shorter than I wanted, my layers, which I had been growing out with the help from that same stylist since December 2018, were more pronounced, and the colour was way darker than anything I had ever had before. This wasn’t the first time I had been disappointed by my cut and colour, but it was the first time I had been disappointed after I realized that I could easily colour my own hair for a fraction of the cost, and that long hair just doesn’t need to be trimmed that often.
It has taken me this long to actually write about it, which really says something about my feelings. This brings me back to the original question: what would you do? I will tell you what I did do, and I feel Low Level Shame about it, and that is that I just stopped going to her. I didn’t make another appointment. When I received a text from her, I didn’t respond.
Did I ghost her?
I feel like I DID, but yet, what was to be done? As I said, if I was disappointed in the service of a restaurant, or even a nail salon, I would just patronize another establishment. But after nineteen years, I disappeared without a trace, and I feel weird about it to this day.
I try to think about it in terms of my yoga classes. If someone stopped coming to class, would I want them to tell me why? I would if the answer was that the time was no longer convenient, or they moved and the drive was too far, or anything else that was beyond my control. But if the answer was that they hated my teaching style or my voice or my personality, well, then, I probably would not want to know. I think I’d rather just be ghosted.
Weekly Reading
After my run of cancer memoirs and death memoirs and serious non-fiction, I decided to migrate some available titles that were on my For Later list to my Hold List, and they came in mid-week, which turned out to be perfect timing.
How To Pronounce Knife. Oh wow, I absolutely LOVED this collection of short stories! Each story is about a Lao refugee and the immigrant experience, and each is from a completely unique point of view. Every story is captivating, compelling, and incredibly moving. I didn’t want to put it down and I didn’t want it to end. It’s been a while since that happened. Thanks to Allison (HI ALLISON) for the recommendation.
The Inner Life of Animals. This was a wonderfully interesting read about animals and their lives. Ravens mate for life, there have been documented inter species adoptions, and goats are quite the disciplinarians. It was a delight to read, animal lovers will adore it. There is a small section on moths, which are, as we know from last week, not my favourite creatures, but I am trying to look at them in a different light now. I’M GROWING AS A PERSON. Relatedly, there is an anthill in my backyard and I discovered it when I went to weed one of the garden beds, and when I say “discovered,” I mean I stepped on it and I had ants swarming sockless feet and bare legs. I tried to brush them off and they swarmed my arms and got inside my gardening gloves. It was, shall we say, unpleasant. Instinctively, I am sad to say, I thought about going into the house and boiling a kettle of water to pour on the hill, but then I stopped: that seemed like an unnecessarily cruel action given that they were just doing what they are supposed to do. I mean, if they were in my house it would be a different story, but they were as far away from the house as could possibly be, and so I thought live and let live and just went on with my weeding, from another, far-away-from-the-ant-hill angle.
The Right Swipe. This was a cute and kind of smutty piece of brain candy. The creator of a dating app meets an ex-football player who is the nephew of a dating website owner…there are twists and turns but of course it ends the way it should, for a light romance. Fun fact: I never remember if it’s swipe right or swipe left if you like someone – dating apps were way before my time, but now I’ll remember (right is the right one). This is part of the Modern Love series, and I read the third one last summer (First Comes Like). Each book is a separate entity, so there is no need to read them in order, which is good, because I didn’t.
Yours Cheerfully. This was a delightful and charming sequel to the delightful and charming Dear Mrs Bird; a plucky young magazine correspondent befriends women working at a munitions factory during WWII. The problem is many women are mothers…and childcare is hard to find. How can they support the war effort and care for the children? It’s a wonderful read with a real women-supporting-women theme. Imagine everyone pulling together for a common goal? IMAGINE. I read the first half of this on Friday, a dark, cold, rainy day on which Roe v Wade was overturned, meaning our nearest neighbours lost fundamental rights and agency over their own bodies, and I kept thinking of these themes. There was a line in the book that said “some women want to support women, and some women don’t,” and boy, isn’t that the truth. Anyway, it was a wonderfully uplifting book for a very sad weekend.
The news seems to get worse every day, so I will leave you these images of Barkley, apparently playing hide and seek with me. Stay strong, my friends. xo
Oh Nicole. I relate to your hair dresser dilemma. I ended up switching to the curly specialist I found for Curly. The woman I was going to prior was fine, but this new woman does amazing things with my thin hair. I was not going to the other lady for very long, but her son is in Reg’s class at school so we cross paths. Mini still goes there on occasion. Awkward at best. I could probably say something like since I need to drive Curly there, I ended up getting my hair cut there and found she had some good strategies for my thin hair. But I haven’t. I suppose in that line of work it comes with the territory.
So happy that you found a hair salon that you really like.
Ohhhhh that is AWKWARD. Luckily I don’t see this stylist in any social circumstances, and she lives in a different part of the city so it’s unlikely we will run into each other…
Hmmm! Interesting dilemma. As a massage therapist I’m thinking about how I would feel if a 19-year client stopped coming to me. I think I would only want an explanation if it was something like “I’m moving away” or “I’m on a new budget and need to cut back on expenses.” But I don’t think I would want to hear “I don’t think you’re giving me a good massage.” So, “ghosting” your hair stylist was acceptable under the circumstances!
Thanks for your support- it was a sad weekend indeed.
Right! I think my feelings would much rather have a disappearance than a “I really don’t like this” explanation.
That short story collection sounds good. I may add it to my life.
The whole political situation in the U.S. is very fraught right now, with the Court in the hands of the radical right, and it will get worse if the midterms go the way they are expected to in November.
Steph, I think you’ll like it. I found it very moving and beautiful.
I hear a lot about angst of changing stylists and I guess I just don’t feel the angst. One time I had to cancel an appointment with a stylist and then life happened and we moved and I just never went back. I have actually followed my current stylist to a new salon, so I haven’t had to deal with it in quite some time. Maybe I’d feel differently if I had to break up with my current stylist.
I read “The Right Swipe” and it immediately left my brain. I wrote a post about it and referred to it as “boring” and “completely down the middle.” I enjoyed the scene about what they would do with no condoms, but other than that, it just wasn’t a book I remember very well.
It’s not a super memorable book, but I have been needing fluffy content that I don’t have to think too hard about, so it fills the bill. I’m reading the second in the series and I like it better – still suuuuuuper fluffy!
As I was reading about your hairstylist dilemma, I was thinking: Nicole Ghosted her stylist!
I think you did the correct thing. I had to do this once many years ago after getting a not.so.good. cut from my stylist…who I knew through another good friend. And we are Facebook friends. I still have a little PTSD from the whole situation because after her not.so.good cut I went to a complete stranger only to have the absolute.worst.cut in my life that took 9 months to grow out/recover from. *sigh*
I still come across photos of myself from that time and I shudder.
The Inner life of Animals sounds intriguing.
Oh SUZ. I feel for you. Nine months to outgrow your hair – yikes!
I think you did the right thing with your hair stylist — even if it was fraught. I have lived in the same town for 13 years now and I have had three — no, four — hair stylists. The first two just stopped being what I needed (the first one, who charged the top level at that salon, kept foisting me off on other stylists; the second one made a hair dye mistake, which she then tried to correct… but I could never get her on board with the color * I * wanted my hair to be so I left) and I ghosted both. The second one was a little tricky because my husband STILL sees her, but oh well. He gets to deal with whatever residual awkwardness there is with THAT situation! The third hairdresser ghosted me after the pandemic — she just never showed up again. And the fourth I like so far. What I really would like is to have a Lifelong Hair Stylist and never have to switch again… but not at the cost of getting a hair cut I don’t like.
Well, and truth be told I think I got a little lazy in 19 years, thinking “well, it’s not that bad, hair grows” when I was unhappy with something. That IS a little tricky that your husband goes there, but oh well. I’m starting to think stylists must get used to this.
I don’t know why ghosting has such a bad rap. There are some things that have no answer besides “this isn’t working” or “I’ve got better options”.
My fun fact is that I met my husband online but it was before swiping so I wouldn’t know whether to swipe right or swipe right either!
Oh interesting! One of the “plot points” (if you can call it that, the book was pretty fluffy) was that the woman who owned the dating app was buying the big online dating site (named Matchmaker dot com, a very thinly veiled Match dot com), and there was some talk about the differences between swiping and filling out a profile to see who you are compatible with.
I agree, sometimes there is no other answer than ghosting!
You and I must be living parallel lives. I had been going to my prior hair stylist (who I like) for about five years, but the past few haircuts weren’t quite what I was looking for? I had to ask her to help me fix it, which I hated. So I went to someone who my instinct told me to go to. I’ve never had a better haircut. I’ve been seeing her since March. My oldest daughter continues to get her hair highlighted at the salon, and I’m sure she’s wondering what happened to me. I’m conflicted because she’s a lovely human being. I just don’t like the way she cuts my hair. GAH.
I feel you! I like my stylist as a person but I was just getting increasingly unhappier about my hair. I’m so glad you found someone you are happy with!
I tend to be low-maintenance because I don’t like spending hours (and money) on getting my hair cut/styled or colored as often as they recommend. I really just enjoy it when done with sisters or girlfriends — a girls’ outing, getting our hair/nails done, etc. But since it’s not possible to do that every 6 weeks or so, I don’t. Because I don’t go that often, I really enjoy the feeling of freshly-cut/trimmed hair when I do go — but obviously not enough to get it done more often. But then again maybe I enjoy the feeling because I don’t get it done often?? I feel like I’m talking in circles now like what came first, the egg or the chicken? 🙂
For what it’s worth, I think you did the right thing to just ghost her and spare her feelings. In some ways, it’s helpful to give an honest feedback, but at the same time, it’s painful for both the giver and receiver if the feedback isn’t great. So in this instance, better to ghost her and let others who may not have the same relationship as you do be the bearer of such feedback.
Oooh a girl’s outing! I have never thought of that for hair, I usually think of that for pedicures, but how fun! I know what you mean – I enjoy having freshly trimmed hair, but also, I don’t think I did pre-pandemic when I got it done so often, so maybe it’s because it’s more special now!
I also think you did the right thing… and I would have done the same. I have only had 2 hair people in my life, and I did ghost my last one, but I was thinking 4 hours to get my hair cut by him – from Minneapolis to Fargo. And that seemed just… wrong? Driving from a huge city to a small city in ND. I adored him but it wasn’t sustainable, but this was when I was in my early 20s and I don’t think I ever had his cell number. So I think he probably realized on his own why I stopped seeing him. I tried a few different people until my esthetician recommended my current hair person and that was probably 15 years ago? Seeing her is like seeing a good friend and she is a lovely person and good at what she does. I’ve never been disappointed. And she is so busy that she will never track me down to get me to make an appt! I cut/color my hair 2-3 times/year and have for many years. It gets rather gray after 3 months or so but I just put up with it until my hair person can color it again… I’m terrified to color my own hair even though many people have assured me it is not hard and it would go fine.
I usually don’t read short story collections but “how to pronounce knife” sounds perfect so I will add it to my holds!
I would have never driven 4 hours to get my hair cut, so I’m 100% supportive of you! I’m so glad you have a person you like now. I am just going to say it is so much easier to colour your hair than you think it is! Trust me!
The only way I can remember if it’s swipe left or right is because I’ve watched Kelly Clarkson sings Tinder profiles on Jimmy Kimmel about 8,000 times. If you haven’t seen it please do yourself a favor and watch asap. She is just the best: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nirgViXADbE
On of my BFFs in grad school taught me that it was easy and convenient (and let’s face it cheaper because I was grad school level poor) to color my own hair and I’ve been doing it for 25 years since. There may come a day when I have to get it professionally done, but that day hasn’t come yet and I’m going to let it ride as long as I can because although I have the money to do it now, I don’t have the time.
I am only slightly ashamed to admit that I’ve ghosted several hairdressers in my time. Sometimes I try a couple of times to explain what I want and when they don’t listen I just stop going. Sometimes it’s they relentlessly push products on me and I can’t deal with it any more. Sometimes they are so far off the mark the first time that I never go back. I am lucky to live in a metropolitan area so I have a lot of choices – the opportunity cost of changing hairdressers is less than sticking with one that doesn’t do my hair the way I want it done. Since I’ve never gone to the same hairdresser for more than maybe two years at a time I don’t really feel badly about not having a convo about why I leaving, I just . . . stop making appointments.
Hahaha thanks for that link! I’ll never forget now!
I’ve heard of people changing hair stylists regularly – and you’re one of them! It feels anxiety-inducing to me to choose someone new, but maybe it’s less stressful than I think it is. As my hair gets longer, I do think it’s easier to cut. I mean, how hard is it to trim? But I do like this new stylist so I think I’ll stay with her a while.
Actually, I think stylists are used to being ghosted – even by long time customers and, particularly, after the pandemic hit when a LOT of people realized, like you, that they could color their hair at home at a fraction of the cost/time AND it still looks pretty good.
Pre-pandemic, I was pretty lazy about getting my hair cut. Oh sure, I loved the results, but it just didn’t seem practical to me to show up every six weeks or so; particularly since I quit straightening and blow drying my hair; my ends don’t get as scraggly as they used to. So yes, usually a few time a year was the norm for me.
Currently, I STILL haven’t had a professional cut my hair since December 2019. Mainly because 1) I’m still being very cautious about where I go and 2) the last stylist (which was fairly new to me) quit during the pandemic. So now, I don’t even have any idea where to go. I have picked up the scissors a few times and gave myself a trim (something I do NOT recommend – but I’ve convinced myself no one can see the mistakes with the curls…I hope).
Wow, that’s a long time! I didn’t really know where to go so I asked all my girlfriends where they went, and then kind of went from there. My number one thing was a stylist who would talk me through every step! I didn’t want to end up with short layers again!
I think it is totally fine to ghost your hair stylist! I’ve never had to do that (I’ve had three stylists in my lifetime and the other two just stopped working at the salon; so now I’m onto a new stylist and thankfully, she’s been great so far!) But I’m also someone who has ghosted people in the dating sense so maybe I’m not the best person to be giving advice like that, lol.
I liked The Right Swipe, but I remember not fully loving it like I wanted to. An easy, fluffy read for sure!
It was a really easy read, and I’m on the second book in the series right now and it’s definitely fluff but kind of what I needed right now!
I don’t think there is any other way other than saying “I didn’t like the hair cut/color you gave me”… so it’s fine to ghost.
I once had a “relationship” with a hair stylist (saw her for a couple of years, but really only every 3-4 months and we were friendly, but I don’t think I would have felt compelled to explain when I didn’t start coming to the salon anymore. It’s a service and yes you get to know each other quite a bit, but unless you’re friends outside of the salon, I don’t think you owe an explanation.
Yes, I think it’s way more hurtful to tell a stylist how you have become increasingly unhappy, than to just disappear. Thanks San!
Am I the only one to smile when you said you would look at moths in a different LIGHT? Or maybe it’s just that I adore the moth/lamp memes. 😀
My mom is a hair stylist, and at 84 she is still the only one who has cut my hair since 1979 or so, when she became licensed. (It’s hard when you have curly hair to find someone who knows how to cut it properly.) In all those years, I’ve never heard her complain about customers moving on, if that makes you feel better. And my mom can be petty, let me tell you! lol
I do realize that she’ll have to hang up her shears at some point soon, and I already dread trying to find someone near my small town to cut my hair. I asked one of my local curly-haired acquaintances who does her hair and she said she cuts it herself! Heaven help me.
Wow, I am so impressed with your mom, still working at 84! Talk about inspiring!!! It does make me feel better to know she’s never complained about anyone leaving, thanks Wendy!
Nicole–I adore that story about you and the anthill. There’s so much inspiration there about reading, contemplating life deeply, and making decisions. I’m beyond moved. Chills.
I’m a Supercuts-every-six-or-so-months person, so I’ve never had a regular stylist–but I think it’s fine to ghost a professional service if they’re not serving your needs anymore. All the money I save by getting cheap haircuts, I spend on biweekly massages. At one point in the pandemic, when everything was closed, like you, I too realized how much money I was saving by not going. But I’m back to being a regular again. It’s my one indulgence–we don’t even have a cleaning service–so I think I’m worth it :).
You are absolutely worth it!
I am so glad the anthill story touched you! xoxoxo
Oh, hair. Such a fraught topic! I’m about to include some bullets on my own hair in my soon-to-come post (hoping tomorrow morning… unless life sprints away from me again…). I think you did the right thing, though. I have SUCH challenges scheduling with the person currently cutting mine (as in, her availability is so limited we rarely if ever find a time that works for both of us!) but I also LOVE how she cuts my hair. So yeah. I think every woman who gets her hair cut by someone else (i.e. not those who trim their own hair, more power to them, or who are related to someone who does…) faces the same issues once or multiple times in their lives.
I actually would want to know if a student dropped my class because then I could know whether it’s something about me (as in, something I can’t really change, like they hate my teaching style…) or whether it’s something about the course (in which case, yes, I’m willing to consider changing things if it’s not working for people).
That’s very true, although I can usually tell when I’m teaching if something isn’t working for the class (I mostly work with seniors, so I watch them carefully to make sure the postures are appropriate for them).