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Nicole’s 10 Sexiest Men Alive List, or the post where I shamelessly objectify males

November 19, 2011 by 16 Comments
The book fair is finished now, much to my relief.  By the end of it I pretty much hated children, a sentiment not unlike the one I used to get when I waitressed in university and would, after working a certain number of shifts in a row, hate the entire human race.  By the end of that certain number of shifts, I burned with internal fury.  You don’t care for those choices of salad dressing?  FUCK YOU.  You think that an appropriate way to get my attention is to pat me on the butt?  I SHALL NOW STAB YOU WITH YOUR STEAK KNIFE.
Not that I wanted to stab any children with a pencil in the shape of a paintbrush, mind you, but I was fairly tired of explaining that yes, $7 is indeed greater than $5, and no, $0.50 is not the same as $5.  We ended up raising significant funds for the library, and next to that, the fact that my sanity and nerves were shreds of their normal selves is nothing.  Right? 
Apparently People magazine came up with their “Sexiest Men Alive” list and though I haven’t read it or even know who is on the list, I decided – because all the cool kids are doing it – to make my own list!  At first I was going to top the list with my husband, because he really is one sexy guy.  Hoo boy, do I have a sexy husband.  But then I thought that would be boring and lame because who really wants to read a lusty letter to my shmoopie?  Also, saying that MY HUSBAND is the sexiest man would make me like one of those people who say that all they want for Christmas is world peace and an end to hunger.  Those people are assholes: a) we ALL want world peace and an end to hunger, and b) saying that makes the listener feel like a selfish idiot for saying that they are wishing for a Pandora bracelet.
A note about my own personal taste: I heard recently (from a source I cannot remember, if you know, can you help me out?) that if there were Hooters-style restaurants for women, they would contain men walking around in business suits flashing their perfect credit scores.  I heard that and thought YES.  You are speaking to me.  Another note: I have a shameless tendency to objectify actors.  I tend to be attracted to the character they are playing, well aware that they may be complete asses in real life.  I do not care about real life.  I care about how sexy they are playing a particular character.  I don’t want to get to know them, I just want to fantasize. 
Without further adieu, here is my list of Nicole’s 10 Sexiest Men Alive:
10. Jonathan Crombie
Who is that, you may ask?  He was my first crush; he played Gilbert on the CBC production of Anne of Green Gables.  I was ravenous for the Anne books, and when the CBC aired the television special, I very carefully taped it and watched the VHS recording many times after that.  I wish I still had that VHS – not that I have a machine that would allow me to view it – but it must have some awesome mid-eighties Canadian Tire commercials.  You can give like Santa, and save like Scrooge.  I actually only included him in solidary with Hannah who had Almanzo Wilder on her list, but it turns out he actually evolved into a very attractive man:
  

Hey Gilbert, I have (artificially) red hair.  Want to call me Carrots?

9. Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy

Mr. Darcy is – by far – the sexiest man in literature.  Possibly this is due to his massive wealth and aloofness, who knows.  All I know is I swoon when he can bear it no longer, he must tell Elizabeth how much he loves and admires her, and Colin Firth brings it to life, baby. 

8. Gabriel Byrne

When I went to see Little Women – in the theatre! – I was absolutely enamoured with Professor Bhaer.  He is bringing sexy back in an impoverished German professor kind of way.  Normally I don’t find poverty attractive, but when he sneaks Jo into the opera and then translates….rawr. 

7. Christian Bale

Again with the Little Women reference, Christian Bale is very saucy as Laurie.  And, although I’ve always wanted to be a Jo, the reality is I am probably a less-artistic Amy.  Also, Christian Bale is Batman.  BATMAN!  The superhero who is actually a highly trained martial artist, and a billionaire.  Sign me up.

6. Eric Dane

Doctor, doctor, give me the news.  Whenever I watch this with my husband, I say “Ooooh, Dr. Sloan.”, and my husband, who is a very confident man, says “Damn, he’s a good looking guy.”  Yes, he is.  Yes, he really is.  He is also much sexier with grey hair and a beard. 

5. Ralph Fiennes in The English Patient

Ralph Fiennes is so sexy he is explosive as Count de Almasy.  Remember when he gets all drunk and dances all intensely with Mrs. Clifton, or when they have sex in the closet?  It just doesn’t get hotter than that.  He would be horrible to have a relationship with, as I’ve discussed before, but who cares about that?  We don’t have the Sexiest Men Alive list to think about them taking out the garbage, now, do we? 

Look at him!  He has been walking.  For three days.

4. Val Kilmer as Ice

“That’s how he flies.  Cold as ice, no mistakes.”

He’s also pretty hot all oiled up while playing volleyball.

3. Hugh Jackman

I think Hugh Jackman is sexy in every role I have ever seen him in.  I wouldn’t mind seeing his Reel Steel, if you know what I mean.  But I think he is the best as Wolverine.  Or really, the guy who turns into Wolverine.  He’s a tough Northern Canadian guy who has claws coming out of his knuckles!  How sexy is that?

The lady will have two tickets to the gun show.

2. Ray Lewis

Let’s take a break from actors for a moment to focus on professional athletes.  RAY LEWIS.  His intensity and physical stature are breathtaking.  Can you imagine if this passion for football took place in other areas?  HOO BOY.

Now, anyone who has been reading my blog for any length of time should be able to guess my number one sexiest man alive (other than my husband).  Drum roll….
1. Jim Cuddy
That voice!  That talent!  “Oh, she loved the lines around his mouth.” 
She also loved the fact that he very patiently posed with the fan who did a frantic run-walk, new acquaintance in tow, to ask for a photo.  I’m not a stalker!  I swear!  But I lurrrrrve you.
Filed Under: My failing sanity, Pop Cult-ure, Romance, Schoolgirl Crushes

Comments

  1. Marilyn (A Lot of Loves) says
    November 19, 2011 at 1:34 am

    I think you have a type. The strong serious type. I like it. I agree with you on most. And of course my love for Mr Darcy is well documented. Colin Firth IS Mr Darcy.

    Reply
  2. Nan | Wrath Of Mom says
    November 19, 2011 at 1:48 am

    I agree with your assessment of the I-only-want-world-peace people. Buzz kills.

    Your list is great. I love that you have Ice Man on your list. Jonathan Crombie! Yum! Thank you for that photo.

    Wolverine is suppose to be from a northern BC mining town. I LIVE in a northern BC mining town, and there are NO MEN WHO LOOK LIKE HUGH JACKMAN HERE! I feel like Marvel comics lied to me!

    You sort of included “Mr Nicole” in your list because he looks very much like Jim Cuddy.

    Reply
  3. Nowheymama says
    November 19, 2011 at 2:24 am

    I had a huge crush on Jonathan Crombie. HUGE. I even watched that terrible third Anne movie they put out years later, mostly out of lurve.

    Reply
  4. happygeek says
    November 19, 2011 at 5:33 am

    Jonathan Crombie has aged very nicely indeed.
    And now my night is complete.

    Reply
  5. swexie says
    November 19, 2011 at 7:09 am

    Hugh Jackman is my number 1! =)

    Reply
  6. Bibliomama says
    November 19, 2011 at 8:15 pm

    Did you not have help with the book fair? Because our library tech who ran the book fair had so many volunteers she NEVER had to deal with with cash issues – that was us, the volunteers. I kept wondering why you were bitching about the book fair so much, but clearly your school volunteers just SUCK.

    The World Peace people are totally assholes. I want World Peace AND Chapters gift cards.

    Oh yeah, the men. The men are nice. I loved Jonathan Crombie too – not surprising, is it? Since we’re practically the same person except for you being skinny and liking mushrooms.

    Reply
  7. WhisperingWriter says
    November 19, 2011 at 9:31 pm

    Eee! I love that you have Gilbert here. I LOVE that movie.

    Reply
  8. slouchy says
    November 20, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    3, 5, 8.

    Yes, yes, YES!

    Reply
  9. Elle Strauss says
    November 20, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    funny post- lovely men. thanks!

    Reply
  10. Jessica says
    November 20, 2011 at 10:48 pm

    How nice you got a picture with your number one man.

    Reply
  11. Beck says
    November 20, 2011 at 11:56 pm

    You have very nice taste in men. A little more serious than mine, I suspect, but that’s fine. Also, look at all the Canadian content on your list! You, my friend, are a true patriot.

    Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy. YES YES YES.

    Reply
  12. hodgepodgeandstrawberries says
    November 21, 2011 at 2:50 am

    Colin Firth! How could I forget him! And Gabriel Byrne as Professor Bhaer… I’d forgotten that but OMG YOU ARE SO RIGHT.

    Also, Jonathan Crombie. Yup. I too watched the terrible third movie just because he was in it. Although he actually wasn’t in it much and I felt gypped. *fist bump*

    Reply
  13. LisaDay says
    November 21, 2011 at 1:08 pm

    I, too, had Anne of Green Gables on tape. And Prof. Bhaer! I love that movie.

    LisaDay

    Reply
  14. YogaKitty says
    November 22, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    You are inspiring me to write my list now. You have strange taste in men but so do I. Watch for a list soon.

    Reply
  15. The Naked Mother says
    November 22, 2011 at 7:19 pm

    I’m totally with you on Ice. Top Gun was on TV the other day and it reignited my lust for him. I read this blog post while we were in the car on the way back from the beach and as soon as I finished I looked up and saw this… (please now check your twitter account- I can’t post pictures here)

    Reply

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