I try to incorporate maitri, or loving-kindness, into every aspect of my life, but I specifically do a maitri meditation a few times a week. This involves repeating the following four times: May you be safe, may you be happy, may you be healthy, may you live with ease. Each time the mantra is repeated, the mind is to focus on different people, the first being someone who is easy to love, followed by someone who is difficult to love. After that, the focus is on oneself, and then the mantra is sent out to the universe at large.
Easy To Love: My Boys
In my Ask Me Anything, Christa (HI CHRISTA) asked Were you ever disappointed not to have a daughter? Thank you for such a deep and vulnerable question, Christa! The short answer is no. I was thrilled to have two boys, although I’m sure if I had two girls, or one of each, I would be equally thrilled. The interesting thing is that as soon as I knew I was pregnant, I was certain I was having a boy. Then when it was clear our second child was a boy, I was over the moon that I would have brothers. I feel extremely fortunate in that they are the best of friends, as well as being wonderful sons.
I wanted two children, and that is what I got, so I was and am perfectly content. I will say that I was asked frequently whether we were going to “try for a girl,” which is a question innocently meant but one that I found, and still find, very upsetting and offensive on a number of levels. Being the mother of those two boys has been the great joy of my life, and I would not change it for anything. They have grown into remarkable young men who are easy to love, and hence they are frequent recipients of the first maitri meditation.
Difficult To Love: A Sociopath
One of the best things about having an Ask Me Anything is the wide variety of questions. My dear friend Suzanne (HI SUZANNE) asked Have you ever met a sociopath in real life? Well, Suzanne, not only have I met one, but through the marriage of a close family member, I was related to one! Technically I still am. I cannot say more, because there are eyes everywhere, but suffice it to say that this person is the literal worst person I have ever met in my life: cruel, diabolical, and manipulative.
I have tried to focus on this person in the second part of the maitri meditation, but I have never been able to make it all the way through. I feel like if I ever do, I will have reached samadhi. Maybe then that person would cease to be a sociopath! Perhaps I should try harder.
Loving Myself
Exactly seven years ago this weekend, I suffered an immense and debilitating hip injury just two days before my first – and, as it turned out, last/ never – road race. It was the most physical pain I have ever experienced, and I had two unmedicated births. It took a long time to be able to merely move without extreme pain, and for many months afterwards, I couldn’t walk without a limp. Looking back, I can see very clearly that I brought this injury on myself through over-training and under-fueling. In the months before, many friends had commented on my physical appearance and I brushed them off, but now when I look at photos of myself, I can see what they were saying.
In addition to my training, I was teaching 10-12 yoga classes a week, and at every class I would remind my students to pay attention to their own bodies, to work within their own boundaries, to respect limitations and particularly pain. I was a hypocrite. I pushed myself past my own limits, for reasons that now seem stupid. My body tried to tell me quietly that it was too much, and then it finally forcibly shut down my training, forever, as it turned out.
I am a firm believer that we all need a balance of yin and yang in our lives, and if we don’t take enough yin, our bodies will force us to through exhaustion, illness, or, in my case, injury. I recently read something, with regards to injury, that said my body didn’t fail me, I failed my body, and that really resonated. I failed my body by not listening, I failed my body by letting my ego take over, I failed my body by not nourishing it properly or treating it with respect and gentleness.
I do not necessarily subscribe to the idea that every painful thing is a blessing in disguise, but in this case, it was. It just took me a while to see it. As Ma Ingalls says, there’s no great loss without some small gain, and in my case, I gained massive empathy for people with chronic pain; it’s exhausting and deflating. More than that, I was reminded that I need to treat myself with tenderness and loving-kindness. I treat myself the same way I would my dearest friend, I treat myself with as much love as I would a small child.

I gave up practicing Ashtanga second series for the primary one, with modifications to care for my hip. I did restart running eventually, but gave it up in the fall of 2022 in favour of long walks with Rex. One of my senior yoga students, back in 2019, asked about my limp and when I told him it was a running injury, he looked at me incredulously. Running. Running? Why would you run? he asked. What is wrong with walking briskly? What IS wrong with walking briskly? Nothing at all. In fact, I prefer it.


There are still Peloton rides and there is strength training, but there is also a lot of restorative yoga and gentle stretching. Most importantly, I nourish my body and soul with plenty of nutritious food and, of course, delicious treats. I won’t deprive myself. After all, would you tell this little girl she couldn’t have that cake?

I also meditate a lot, and I direct my maitri meditation towards myself, as I should. As we all should.
Weekly Reading

Awake. I picked up this book without any preconceptions; the author, I discovered, is pretty famous in evangelical circles, and when her marriage blew up due to infidelity on her husband’s part, she was “cancelled” by some of those circles. I found this book to be disjointed, dull, and the epitome of telling instead of showing, and I really should have DNF’d it. But, I had DNF’d the previous two books I had picked up prior to that, so I decided to push through. It was not worth the push, although I will say that her husband’s “voice to text” to his girlfriend in the middle of the night was a sign of someone begging to be caught. Also, that voice to text was “I just can’t quit you.” ARE WE IN BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN, SIR? Ridiculous.

Let’s Just Say It Wasn’t Pretty. I thought I would enjoy this collection of memoir-like essays about being a not-conventionally-pretty woman in appearance-obsessed Hollywood, but I was wrong. I did relate to the essay about bad hair days, but the rest were navel-gazing, self-indulgent, and grinding. It was written in 2014, so there is no excuse for all the loving anecdotes about her beloved friend Woody, as well as the multiple appearances of the word “retard.” This book made me like Keaton less and I wish I never read it.

The Blind Assassin. So, after two DNF’s in a row, and two books that I SHOULD have DNF’d, I needed a win. I needed a five-star. I pulled out my favourite book of all time, a book I have read many, many times before. My dear friend Lisa (HI LISA) had recently read this for the first time, and while she texted me about it, I became overcome with cravings to reread it. I sighed the sigh of pure happiness as I read “Ten days after the war ended, my sister Laura drove a car off a bridge.” So starts this masterpiece, which is a story within a story within a story, and has the most incredibly beautiful, incredibly clever, incredibly symbolic, incredibly powerful writing of any book I have read. I think about it all the time; the characters, the plot, and certain lines are in my brain forever. It is a work of art and I love it immoderately.

The final maitri meditation is toward the universe as a whole, and I am sending out those thoughts to all of you, as I take a blogging break. May you be safe, happy, healthy, and live with ease. I will see you in a little while, friends. Take care. xo
What a perfect post, Nicole. Loved this! I do not meditate but probably should. I LOVE the idea of directing those thoughts not only to ourselves but also to difficult to love people. This was so timely as just before I opened your post I was sitting here stewing a bit about an issue that occurred yesterday with someone in our life who is ‘hard to love’ (I often reference certain “unbloggables” on my blog that involve this person). Anyway, thank you for these wise thoughts and best wishes on your blogging break!!
I am glad to know of another person that did not like/love “The Idea of You.” I loathed it and so many were shouting about it from the rooftops. What in the world. I am so glad I made a goal to read “The Blind Assassin” in 2026 – it was so good and being able to text you while reading it really added to my enjoyment. The writing really is superb.
I’m also a mom of 2 boys and hated when people would ask about trying for a girl. I would have been happy with any gender of child but I have to say, I feel I am meant to parent boys. I am not very girly so I never really envisioned having a daughter. Plus I had 5 nephews before I had a niece so I got used to little boy energy. I hope my boys have the friendship that your boys do!
I, sadly, also know a sociopath. I’ll leave it at that. Actually, I might know a few. I feel like finance really attracts from weirdos if you know what I mean…
I think people are usually happy with the genders they end up with. Like Lisa, I’m not really girly, and I thought I would be happy with two boys. But of course I can’t imagine life without my daughter, so a boy and girl now seems perfect for me.
Hmm. Do I know a sociopath? I’m not sure, but I know OF sociopaths. While you were talking about the meditation I was imagining directing the second part towards Donald Trump. Maybe I’ll try it later- I’m up for a challenge.
I’m disappointed that the Diane Keaton book was so bad! I love her- so I won’t read this and ruin that feeling. I’ve never read The Blind Assassin but maybe I need to.
A blogging break? We will miss you!!! Have fun…
I love this Nicole. I remember reading about the loving-kindness mantra and meditation a while back, and I think I tried it briefly (once? twice?) but abandoned it fairly quickly. I love that line about us failing our bodies rather than the other way around. I too have become much gentler and appreciative towards my body, which has faithfully served me for so long, despite my complete lack of co-operation in keeping it fit and healthy in my earlier years. As for Running! I tried it once, very briefly, hated it and swore I would never run again and haven’t. I do not understand running and never will. Will miss you on your blogging break.
I have thoughts! Firstly, that it is so rude to make any comment about the number/gender of children that someone has. Sheesh. I mean, is this something that you ask people about on a regular basis? It’s not something that has ever occurred to me.
I’m glad that my hard core running/cardio days are on hiatus and hopefully over. What a waste of energy. How much more joyful to walk a dog instead.
I made it through the first hour of the audio version of Awake and ditched it. It wasn’t even worth the effort to write it up as a DNF on the bloggy blog. It just doesn’t work to go from “I caught my husband texting his boo and threw him out of the house” to “let me tell you about high school summer camp!!!!” Awake made me even more reluctant to read Strangers, so I almost missed out on a masterpiece because of I opened the cover of that garbage. Reading bad books can have consequences!
Happy Blogging Break! The internets will miss you, and we will be here from you when you get back.
I only had one child, a daughter, and whenever someone asked me how many children I had and responded, one, I always got what I called “the look.” It was a mix of confusion and judgment. I never added more details and left the person to make up his/her own mind. On the rare occasion someone did ask “why only one?”, I told them, “I hate crowds.” Like most things in life it was a mix of reasons and mainly no ones business!!
Since my late 30s, I have had to adjust my workout routines and learn that some activities are no longer possible – a particular aerobic class I loved, running, even shortening my walks, my latest adjustment – and that it is my body telling me it needs a change. I will remember “my body didn’t fail me, I failed my body” when I want to push knowing I shouldn’t.
Enjoy your blog break!
I don’t meditate, but I love this mantra and perhaps I will give it a try. I’m pretty sure I can’t make myself think such thoughts about Trump, but there are some neighbors in my townhome complex that I might manage.
I’m not glad that you had a horrible injury, but I am glad that you are kinder to your body now. I’m in the midst about making some decisions in this realm as well.
I have a friend with just one child and people ask her why just the one, and tell her that her child would be selfish and needs a sibling. What the what? I’m thankful that no one ever said that kind of BS to me and my only child. Regarding the sex of a child, I had a boss way back when I was pregnant with Maya, and he and his wife had 2 boys. His wife really, really wanted a girl, so they tried again. Now they have 3 boys. Her reaction when the doctor said ‘it’s a boy!’? “SHIT!” Oops. I mean, clearly she loves all of her boys, and perhaps at least one of them is married now and she has a DIL.
I should re-read The Blind Assassin.
I hope you have an amazing trip (I think you’re going on another fabulous trip) and will look forward to reading all about it when you get back.
This was a lovely post Nicole! I so enjoyed reading it. I am going to do the Maitri meditation every day. I know exactly who I will direct each one to. And I am going to read The Blind Assasin. I had a girl first and was so happy because that what I was hoping for. But I would have loved that baby just as much if it turned out to be a boy. I had a boy second and was happy to have one of each. Then the third time around I truly didn’t care and it turned out to be another girl. Enjoy your time away Nicole and I look forward to hearing from you when you return!
I love all the positive energy you put into the universe, Nicole. I can feel it from here! I love Maitri meditations, and I do at least one Peloton meditation pretty much every day. They’ve made a big difference in my life. I’m sure glad that you could reframe your hip injury into something positive and life-enhancing.
People can say such stupid things about children. My husband and I couldn’t and didn’t have children, and holy cow, did I ever get some rude comments when I was younger. A woman from church actually said to my face that I was a horrible person for depriving my husband of children! But no one ever said anything about children to him!
I hope you have a wonderful blogging break! I will miss you……WAAAAH.
I’m wanting to get back into yoga, but am finding it hard to restart. I felt better when I was doing it, more balanced. Haven’t mediated in a long time either. I love what you had to say about listening to your body. I’m 75 and have slowed down a lot from even 2 years ago. I still do all the mowing. AND was good about walking daily until I found myself making excuses, so now like yoga……I’ve got to restart. Sorry about your injury, but I hope people listen to your advice. When I was pregnant, like you I felt confidant in what I was going to have. A Girl! One practically perfect daughter. We stopped with one, but I think had it been a boy, we would have tried for a Girl. Your statement about finding that question offensive puzzles me.
I had two girls first and then got a boy, but we always intended to have three or four kids. I agree, the whole ‘Are you trying?’ for a certain sex is so rude! About the sociopath? Was this person diagnosed? I’ve always wondered when people get labeled things like narcissist, etc. I have a sister-in-law who is something, but I have no idea which personality/psychiatric disorder she has. I have tons of stories about her, so maybe I should do a post and ask my readers to make some guesses! I’m kidding!
Enjoy your break! I guess I lied when I said I was going on one, because I keep returning. I’m glad to not miss that picture of you in the plain jumper. I love when I can see the adult version in a child’s picture.
(plaid jumper)
Love this post and the reminder of this meditation. It’s such a good one! I also remember when you jad that running injury, and can’t believe its been 7 years!!
Interesting question about meeting a sociopath. I’ve often wondered the same: in our daily lives, there have certainly been times when most of us have unknowingly crossed paths with someone truly evil. What a sobering thought, huh?
Excellent point about failing our bodies, Nicole! This is such a timely reminder for me.
After two marathons within four weeks, my body needs a rest. I’m not injured, but I can sense that if I don’t pull back now, I WILL get injured. Looking back, I could have prevented so many injuries if I had listened earlier!!
Your line about our bodies speaking quietly first before forcing us to listen really landed with me.
I also sometimes wonder whether some (or many?) of the accidents that “happen” are not entirely random either, but linked to fatigue, exhaustion, and loss of focus.
Enjoy your bloggy break!!
I originally planned on four kids, but I couldn’t face going back to pregnancy and birth after our third. I agree that it would be weird and unfortunate for the kids whose parents have voiced a preference for the opposite gender. I did not care, but when we found out we were having a boy after the two girls, and I told G that I didn’t want another, he said he was glad we were having a boy then. I don’t think he would have been too worried either way, though. I assume that even for people who may have voiced a preference, once their child arrives, everything else would be forgotten.
Have a wonderful break!
You are always inspiring to me, and I learn so much from you. I first learned about maitri/loving-kindness from Sharon Salzberg many years ago, and it has helped me through some really hard times. I’m working my way back from a pretty dark stretch, so this post feels like a good reminder to go back and reread some of the notes I’ve written about everything I’ve learned along the way.
What’s funny is that I’ve been doing my “soul homework” for almost six years now, but I’ve only truly meditated in the deeper sense a few times. I’ve had some hesitation around it, but I really want to make it a focus this year. I think it could help me move through some of the heavier things I’m still holding onto.
Thank you for the reminder. I hope you have a restful blog break, my friend 😘❤️
I love this, Nicole! It’s such a wonderful reminder to extend loving kindness to one another AND to ourselves. I love the photos of little Nicole!!! Such a cutie pie.
And obviously I was riveted by your sociopath encounter. Which I should of course be approaching with a lot more gravitas, because I am sure that it is horrible and upsetting in many ways. I am so sorry you have had to deal with a person like that.
I also get pretty peeved about the “trying for a girl/boy” question. I *think* it’s usually coming from a place of curiosity, or a place of ignorance about how it can come across. But it most definitely sometimes *is* about a genuine preference for one gender over another and, while I try to hold space for people to feel the way they feel, it is also kind of gross. Not to mention, as you indicate, super mean and dismissive of the kid/s you have. I will say that when I was pregnant, I spent many weeks picturing the little miniature replica of my husband, and daydreaming about them playing baseball etc. When I first heard that I was having a girl, I had some Feelings. And I know you will agree that those feelings were OKAY, and probably other people have feelings, too. And I know you will also know that once I met my magical firecracker of daughter, I have never once wished she were anything but herself.
People have some strong thoughts about kids, that’s for sure. How many, how far apart, which gender. I have a friend who has three girls, and the comments he gets!!! They make me want to do a murder, that’s for sure.
Yes this is a perfect post. I Love the Maitri meditation and am going to add it to my “falling asleep” thoughts. It fits perfectly with my other sleepy meditations. I wondered about you not mentioning running any more. Sorry about that terrible injury and I totally understand and agree that a brisk what is just as good. Except…some of us long term runners find a “flow” in running. I am struggling with a couple of persistent injuries and stubbornly try to run a few km a couple of times a week. (I stopped running for quite some time and it wasn’t any better so why not?) I just miss running so much.
Have a wonderful trip!!
oh Nicole I didn’t know you were runner too and had to stop due to injury. when was that? I think when we were young we tend to ignore the signals and just “stupidly” push through. It’s tricky to find the balance. Glad you found peace with it and enjoy peloton and yoga and hiking as way to keep moving.
When I was pregnant with Noah I was hoping for a girl because I’d noticed my female friends were closer to their mothers than my male friends. Then when I was pregnant with North, I was kind of hoping for a boy because I thought it might be nice for Noah to have some male company in the family, but I didn’t have strong feelings either time and I feel it all worked out. As for what I thought I was having, I thought boy both times. In fact, at the ultrasound for my second pregnancy when the tech said girl, all three of us (me, Beth, and Noah) burst out laughing because we were all so sure it was going to be another boy.
Safe travels!
I was just reading something earlier this morning about the importance of meditation, and I thought to myself, Suzanne, you could really use some of that. I suppose the universe and you are speaking to me.
Nicole, the number of times someone asked us if we were going to try for a boy is astounding. I mean, are my girls not enough? Really, people probably aren’t thinking my girls aren’t enough, nor are your boys; it’s just a weird question to ask, and I will never ask it.
The little Nicole photos are to die for. I hope you ate a lot of cake, because you deserved it then, and now. I’d forgotten you were a runner! I’ve never seen the allure, nor could my legs allow for it to happen…’that just ain’t me’, she says with a southern twang.
I hope you’re having a blast wherever you are!
I was completely thrilled to have two boys and no girls. I got asked the same question as well, and my answer was always, “Why do you ask?” Most people’s response was stammering and surprised, which is sorta what they deserved.
I actually commented on this a couple of days ago and lost the comment but I’m glad in a way, because it brought me back to read and contemplate this thoughtful post. I think you are right about “failing our bodies.” I know I have done that. Yes, part of that incidence is the body failing me, but when it began I didn’t realize the impact that one issue would have on another one dear to me — my voice and singing. Could I have made a difference had I acted sooner? Probably. But maybe not. In any event, worth thinking about. So, we find other ways. We recalibrate. And life is still good.
Oh, those childhood photos are treasures! That smile says it all!
We really can’t win when it comes to children. If you don’t have them, people want to know why. If you have a baby, they want to know when you’ll have another. If you have TWO kids but they’re the same sex, then they want to know if you’re trying for the other sex. And I’m sure people with two kids of different sexes have their own weird questions. STOP BEING SO INVASIVE UGH.
I am going to read Awake and maybe the fact that you didn’t like it bodes well for me since we are each other’s book nemesis. Ha! As a recovering member of the purity culture movement, I think it could be more meaningful to me. We’ll see!