Happy New Year! I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season. Mine was very restful and restorative, which was apparently just what I needed. I like to think of my life as a series of seasons, both Life Seasons – can I sail through the changing ocean tides, can I handle the seasons of my life –and Actual Calendar Seasons. For me, December is the Season of Indulgence and Light, and I enjoy it very much as such. I don’t think twice about the third glass of wine or the lovely dessert or the eight thousand cups of my mom’s delicious snack mix. It is, as Clark says when Audrey is frozen from the waist down, all part of the experience.
I also strongly believe in the concept of Balancing Yin and Yang, specifically that if one does not get enough Yin, or rest, Yin will be forced upon one, usually in the form of illness or injury. To that end, I noticed around December 22 of this year that my body and mind just felt tired. I do not think I have a particularly stressful or busy life, but I believe very strongly in listening to myself, and what I was trying to tell me was that I needed rest. I scaled way back on exercise, only walking Rex each day and nothing more, my yoga practice turned restorative, I slept a little more each day, and I watched movies and read books and worked on a jigsaw puzzle. It took about five days of that for me to start feeling more like myself.
On that note, January is, for me, the Season of Energy. I feel reenergized and ready to take on the New Year, with all its many changes that I am just not ready to talk about – time makes you bolder, children get older, I’m getting older too – and yesterday, I took on the task of taking down the decorations and tree, and deep cleaning the house. This is a highly satisfying job to me. I love having All Things Christmas in the house, but I also love the serene feeling of a perfectly clean – except for the paw prints that are constantly on the floor – house. The house feels so much bigger now, and Rex is no longer wagging cards or decorations across the room, while I scramble to pick them up.
Do you remember, years ago, a social media game where people would post three fictional characters, a mix of which represented their personalities? It’s a very interesting window into the psyche, seeing what people chose. For me, I think my personality can best be described as two parts Sally Allbright, and one part each Monica Geller and Buddy the Elf.
I am a person who, like a toddler or a dog, absolutely thrives on routine and ritual. I have mad organizational skills. I love scheduling my days and being in control of them, and figuring out how to fit in the activities and tasks that any particular day requires. In university and grad school, I would schedule my day down to the minute and I would not deviate from it. These days I’m not quite so particular, but if there is something that needs to be done, I am going to do it.
The flip side of this, of course, is that I can be mentally inflexible and I find sudden changes or schedule alterations or additions to be quite distressing. “I’m too structured! I’m completely closed off!” “But in a good way.” Spontaneity is not my strong point, to say the least, but I’m working on it.
This brings me to an Ask Me Anything question from my lovely, darling friend Suzanne (HI SUZANNE): You seem like you are really good at doing things regularly, if not daily: walking, yoga, reading poems, etc. HOW do you do this? Teach me your ways! Well, I am nothing if not structured! I have always been an early-morning person, and I started getting up early when the boys were very small; at that time I generally slept until one of them woke up, around 6:30 or so, and then the mornings felt very chaotic. Someone was always crying or needed breakfast or a diaper change, and the start of the day had me feeling frazzled. It was then that I started waking up really early to go to the yoga studio and practice for an hour. I needed that time to myself; when I got home the boys were just getting up and I felt much more able to cope with the constant demands that is life with little ones. Nowadays of course I don’t have those same demands, but I find that I feel completely unmoored without my daily practice; like I said, I thrive on routine and ritual, and although I don’t go to a studio anymore, my quiet, dark house is perfect for early morning yoga. Since the pandemic started, I have added reading a poem or reading just before my practice; it’s just ONE, so it doesn’t feel overwhelming, and then I can think about it, or not, if it doesn’t resonate, as I practice.
What I am saying is that all of the things that I do on a daily basis are things that I love and make me feel good, and I know that if I omit them from my day I will regret it later. I love being outside and walking, I love getting active and sweaty, I love yoga. Part of the Never Miss A Day is due to my Sally Allbright/ Monica Geller Overly Structured Personality, but some of it is my Buddy The Elf Do Things That Bring Joy personality.
This brings me to New Year’s Goals and Resolutions: I have none. Or, to be more accurate, I have no NEW goals or resolutions; all of mine are evergreen and ongoing. They are either highly specific daily/ weekly tasks, or incredibly unquantifiable states of being. Although, now that I think about it, I might vow to bake more cakes in 2023. I love cake.
Ooooh, maybe I’ll start a Julie and Julia-style blog series, but name it Julie and Nicole, and just bake every cake in this delightful little book. Stay tuned!
Reading: The Year-Long Books
The Daily Stoic. This is one of those daily readings I spoke about; in addition to a poem a day I read one page of this every day in 2022 and honestly, I cannot recommend it. It was absolutely perfect for me back in January, when things were so bleak and grim, because it’s all about controlling your own mind when the world is spiraling out of control. The world was indeed spiraling out of control and these daily readings reminded me that I could change only the things within my own control. It was perfect for that month, and then things went downhill. I found it to be incredibly repetitive and, when I got to December and the monthly theme was Facing Your Own Death, depressing. The entire month was well, we are all going to die, and honestly, who needs that reminder.
Speaking With Spirit. I absolutely loved Agapi’s Wake Up To The Joy In You, and this follow-up book about prayer was good, but not AS good. It was well worth reading – it’s a weekly read – and there was a lot of focus on gratitude and transformation, which I like. It’s important to note that to whom one prays is up to the reader; this is not a specifically-religious book, rather a spiritual one, which I also really like. One can offer a prayer to the universe, if one so chooses.
Should I take this as a sign that I need to deviate from routine?
Weekly Reading
Slouching Towards Bethlehem. This is such an interesting book of essays, mainly based on 1960s California. What a fascinating time and place! More interesting to me, though, was thinking about the nature of these essays, all of which were published in magazines and necessitated many months of on-the-ground research. Long-form journalism is still around but it’s just so dwarfed by our instant 24-hour news cycle. It was fascinating to read these of-the-moment essays and to think of the time put in. Feels a bit dinosaur-like now. The title essay deals with runaway youth in Haight-Ashbury in 1967 and it’s kind of horrifying, to be honest. These kids were so young, living in filth and completely high all the time; some of the older teens had small children, which was incredibly sad. I love Didion’s personal essays and the final one, Goodbye To All That, about her experience as a young woman moving to New York and then returning to California, was my favourite.
Weightless. I heard this woman speaking on a podcast – I think it was Forever 35 – and she was so interesting. This book is comprised of essays, and they are jaw-dropping in their content. Essentially, this woman has heart disease, which was not caused by her weight, but the medical community did not catch it because of her weight. She had weight struggles that started when she was a child; her treatment for severe asthma led to rapid weight gain which led to struggles within the medical community to see past her weight gain. It was the absolute definition of vicious circle. The book itself is tragic and hopeful and also really eye opening.
The Happiness Project. My friend Elise (HI ELISE) asked if I’d read this, and I had to look at my spreadsheet to ascertain that I hadn’t! I thought I had but no. I have heard so much about Gretchen Rubin, but I haven’t actually read anything by her OR listened to her very popular podcast, so I was going into this completely fresh. So, a few things are all true at the same time: I enjoyed reading this year of monthly resolutions to increase happiness, late December is a great time to read about energizing oneself and vowing to be a better person, and also, about 2/3 of the way through I started to dislike the author. I will tread lightly here, because I know she is beloved by many, and please do remember that this book was written in 2009, and people change a lot in 14 years. I appreciate her honesty about her shortcomings that she wanted to work on, but I have a visceral reaction to people who describe themselves as naturally belligerent and argumentative. And negative. And sarcastic. To be fair, those the things she was working on, but you know what, once I got that visceral feeling I couldn’t un-feel it. Also, I found her tone to be a touch judgy and a bit repetitive. Even still, the book had a good message. None of it felt new or original but I think that’s because it was published so long ago and has influenced dozens of books, pieces, and blogs – which is indicative of its success. Overall, a good read. I am tempted to look into some of her more recent work to see what, if anything, has changed.
So here we are in a fresh new week, month, and year. I have decided to do the Apartment Therapy January Cure, so there will be lots of organizing and decluttering this month; I have a number of posts to write thanks to your Ask Me Anything contributions (and it’s still open, feel free to, indeed, Ask Me Anything!), and, most importantly, I have a big stack of books to get through this week! I hope you all have a fabulous week, this first week of January, and I hope you have resolved to be kind to yourselves first and foremost. xo
Loved the gentleness of this post, Nicole… listening to your body, the gift of rest and relaxation for yourself, the cumulative intentions that are–as you say–“evergreen” and evolving. I do get a bit tired of the ‘productivity’ sermon come January. People matter whether or not they achieve arbitrary work, family, health, weight, whatever… goals. Happy New Year to you and yours and may 2023 bring you all you wish for! 💗
My daughter and I made 2023 dream boards over winter break and I have “bake 5 new pies” on mine because I received this amazing cookbook (bakebook?) on all things pie – so, I’m all in to follow your possible cake adventure!
In regards to Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project didn’t speak to me as it did to so many others, but The Four Tendencies left me with a few things to consider…
You just put into words something that I couldn’t. December is the Yin and January is the Yang. The closest that I’ve come is knowing that I’m not going to take on any grand projects in December since it’s a mix of seasonal depression plus celebrations – a very weird combo. Once New Year comes it’s like a reboot. I use the fresh start plus the bad weather to focus and get stuff done.
I don’t do resolutions either BUT making more cake is something that I can get behind. Also I’m treading lightly with you on Gretchen Rubin.
I like your January attitude! This time of year is always hard for me- I get sad when the holidays are over and it takes me a while to snap out of it. It does help to get the house cleaned up, and that’s what I’m focusing on this week.
I didn’t like Ryan Holiday’s book either- it just seemed like a lot of things I’ve heard before. And, I love Gretchen Rubin’s podcast but didn’t like The Happiness Project. I can’t even remember why I didn’t like it- I read it (or, part of it) a while ago before I even started listening to the podcast. Maybe you would like one of her other books, or maybe she’s just not for you.
I think you’ll have lots of fans of your cake project!
Hi, Nicole! Are you familiar with Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies? (She has an online quiz you can take if you don’t want to read the whole book: https://gretchenrubin.com/quiz/the-four-tendencies-quiz/) I am wondering whether you might be a Questioner in her framework, because in my experience Questioners and Upholders sometimes rub each other the wrong way. I’m curious about whether that might be an element of your reaction to The Happiness Project.
I am still learning the lesson about yin/yang. December was a wonderful month (mexico! Christmas!) but also a hard month (horribly painful never-ending RA flare; hurtful conflict with a sibling). The bad stuff weighed on my physically and emotionally and my sleep was crap since I was on high doses of steroids for my flare. So I kind of was running on empty but trying to summon Buddy the Elf energy, which is not in my nature at all. So I am very happy Christmas is over and my flare is under control and I’m going back on a more aggressive RA med so flares like that don’t happen again. But despite feeling kind of depleted, I also have a lot of energy for the new year and the things I want to accomplish. I set some goals for the first time in years, although most are not stretch goals for me. But it still felt good to write down some things I want to accomplish.
I think we are 2 peas in a pod for the most part, as I’m probably 2/3 Monica Gellar and 1/3 Kathleen Kelly from You’ve Got Mail. I need to manage my Monica energy so as not to slip into Gretchen Ruben energy. I am a hardcore enneagram 1 and not always a healthy one. Having kids has taught me that less is in my control than I’d like – and that is ok. I can’t plan out life to the extent I would like to. And sleep is out of my control sometimes. I do wish I had more energy to get up early before the kids are up, but I’ve had to accept that I will run myself into the ground if I try to do that. But we still get naptime since we let Paul have his iPad during Will’s nap, so that is my equivalent of your morning ritual. I get to do what I want during that time on the weekends and usually I read until I fall asleep!
I hope the changes you allude to are not too hard to navigate. Change is very hard. I feel like I’ve been on a hamster wheel of change for the last 5 years. It’s mostly good change, but some has been harder than others. And I know there is going to be a change in my work life this year. It’s more “second hand change” meaning a decision someone else is making but it will have an impact on me.
I love the title. Before even reading the post, I already knew where it came from. I share traits with Sally, Monica, and Buddy. I would also include a little Phoebe Buffay. I wasn’t always Phoebe. Only two years ago did that element emerge.
I believe there isn’t enough discussion on books that last a year. I would argue that some of the best books I’ve ever read are the daily affirmation books. I’ll explore yours. Thanks to Ally Bean, I’ve read another book by Agapi Stassinopoulos before, so I’ll definitely look this one up.
Xoxo
Hi Nicole!!! Thank you for responding to my question. I love hearing about your routines, and also the three characters that combine to make up your personality. Delightful.
One thing that I am gleaning is that you are… I don’t want to say controlled, but maybe intentional about balance. One thing I tend to do is jump in with both feet and then obviously get tired and overwhelmed and feel like I’m drowning, whereas it sounds like you have mastered calmly stepping into the sea one foot at a time. Last year, for instance, I really wanted to read poems every day because I was so inspired by you. But I wasn’t good at stopping at Just One, and burnt out quickly. So — as I am taking notes — I will write down something MODERATION IS IMPORTANT, CHILL OUT SUZANNE. Of course, you wouldn’t all caps me in a scoldy way, but I can do it to myself. 😉
Now I am off to DISMANTLE CHRISTMAS YAY!
I like your attitude about resting, recharging, and most of all, about making cake. I think I need to make a cake!
I also like routine and I feel accomplished when things go as planned. I am in awe of how you got up BEFORE the boys back in the day. I slept for as long as possible, every single day back when they were babies and toddlers. Good for you for knowing what you needed and still knowing what works for you.
I haven’t posted about it, but I cleaned out my study before Christmas and it was LIFE GIVING. I managed to clean out the vanities in all of the bathrooms too. To me, there is nothing like decluttering to feel relaxed and comfortable in one’s home. If only I found more time for it, or if I could get my people to join me in this goal.
I don’t really do resolutions either, but that cake book looks like it could make life very yummy. Happy New Year.
In college, I had a bit of a breakdown because between classes, studying, my part-time job, volunteering, working out, and dealing with was obviously a doomed, but seemed so important at the time high maintenance boyfriend, I had literally scheduled every second of the day. I knew exactly how long the walk was from my dorm to the library and from the union to the locations of my classes. I was so stressed and I went to a few sessions with a therapist who suggested that I just take off my watch. And I did. And it was life-altering. So, I am scheduled and regimented, but I know that things are going poorly when I start looking at clocks and watches more than a handful of times throughout the day.
I realized quickly that THP was not for me and bugged out of that conversation, but I think it’s because I’m too similar to Rubin in my temperament and I found it grating to be reminded of just how terrible I must come off to other people. Reflections of your own worst character traits are always so unpleasant!
I think I read Slouching Toward Bethlehem in grad school for an English class, but I bet it would read differently now that I have teen/young adult kids, one of whom is going through an extended rough patch.
I always admire your faithfulness to routine, but it’s good know that you also listen to your body when it needs rest and you listen to your heart when it needs another glass of wine.
I wish I was better at keeping a routine. I think I was when my kids were younger, but now, most of my time is MINE, so I get all willy nilly.
The cake books looks great; looking forward to Julia and Nicoles baking for 2023!
I love that you listened to your body’s cues and rested, when I know your natural mode is kind of go-go-go. I love the Nicole and Julie idea and you should totally do it, except part of what made the Julie and Julia blog funny was that Julie was kind of a hot mess and Julia was really unimpressed by the whole endeavour, so you and Julie both being lovely might take some of the tension out – I mean that to be complimentary and now that I’ve typed it I’m not sure it comes across that way. I don’t usually feel energized in January, but I’m hoping this year I can at least keep a bit of the energy I had in the fall.
Spontaneity is not my strong point, either! Something comes up and my first reaction is, but I had a plan! It can be hard to soften that reaction. You sound very balanced to me.
“Six years later, you find yourself singing Surrey with the Fringe on Top in front of IRA!”
I am a fan of Rubin but I read Happiness at Home before the happiness project. I feel you might enjoy that one more. I’ve read it several times actually.
OH and speaking of death, did you hear that Julie of Julie and Julia recently died?!
Love this post.
And “You are human and you need cake” may be the best book title ever.
Once again, I’m left wishing I was a morning person. I’ve tried. Seriously. So many times. But I am NOT a morning person. I’ve stopped trying but maybe I’ll hit menopause or something and suddenly enjoy waking up at 5:30 am? Even 6:30 am would be an improvement.
My body seems 100% aligned with a 7:30 am wakeup which happens a few times a year…even 7 am is just too early for me. But those extra morning hours feel so full of missed opportunity!
Happy New Year, Nicole! I have been reading your blog for just over a year, since I moved to Southern Alberta. I always like to read along when we are experiencing the same crazy chinook winds or freezing our tootsies off in -30! I have a book recommendation that you might like. It’s an older book called East Wind Meets the Ice, by Liza Dalby. I looked on Amazon and some versions are stupid expensive, maybe you could get it at the library before you committed to it! It’s a year-long journal and it’s about seasons, gardens, different cultures and little philosophical snippets you can read each day. It compares the Japanese “seasons” to North America. Thank you for posting every week!!
The older I get the more I find my goals to be ongoing life things as well. I’m also reading Oliver Burkeman’s earlier book “The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking” right now, and there’s a whole chapter about how being too focused on goals (or even having goals) can have negative repercussions. Although I suspect you may not have an issue with positive thinking, based on your comparison to Buddy 🙂
I love ritual and routine too. My whole family does. Whenever I try to be spontaneous, it ends in disaster and we all agree that we operate better with things planned out! Happy New Year! I can’t wait to see what you get up to this year.
I loved your last bit, being kind to yourself first and foremost, and that you were able to do that when you were feeling ‘not yourself’, until you were rested and did feel like yourself again. You may perhaps be a genius.
My morning routine is to take my dog for a walk, and as we live in drought stricken California, I usually can do that. This morning it was raining, and as he is going through chemo right now, taking him out into the cold rain seemed cruel. So I pulled up a yoga video on YouTube. I like Yoga With Adriene. I had gotten into a good yoga habit last year, where at least several days a week, I would get up and do some yoga before our walk. But when it’s dark and cold out, that is a bit more difficult for me, motivationally. Today, however, I decided to do some yoga instead of a walk. As she was going into one pose, she said something like, ‘come into this pose as though you love yourself’. I liked that. I wish we all loved ourselves a bit more. That is something to work on. Bonus…the rain stopped awhile ago, and I am having a slow day at work (I work from home) so my dog and I got to have a lovely walk anyway!
Regarding routine…I find that once I have an idea in my head, it can be difficult to let it go. So I might wake up and think, “Today I am going to clean out the fridge, and de-clutter the kitchen cabinets, which will surely get me in a deep cleaning mode and it will take about 4 hours.” So I get up and have a cup of tea and don’t mention it to anyone. A bit later, before I have moved on any of my plans, my husband might say, “Let’s take the dog and go to the ocean, we haven’t been in awhile and it’s a beautiful day.” And there is a part of me that thinks….”Um, I was going to clean out the fridge….” Which I fear is a very Monica thing to do. Anyway, my husband knows me well enough to know that if he waits a few minutes, I can come to my senses, and we will do the much more fun and better thing. Believe me, the fridge and clutter will be there when we get back, I can do it another day. 🙂
Happy New Year, dear friend! I hope the changes you have alluded to won’t be too difficult, but change is VERY hard for me, too, so I definitely understand where you’re coming from.
My unpopular opinion is that I don’t like Gretchen Rubin very much. EEKS. I actually enjoyed The Happiness Project but then I started listening to her podcast and I just could not handle her holier-than-thou attitude. She just rubs me the wrong way, and I want her to give herself a friggin break from time to time.
I relate to your post so much. I absolutely thrive on routine and sometimes I am a bit inflexible when plans change (although I am getting better at going with the flow!).
If it makes you feel better, I read The Happiness Project a long while ago (I might have to revisit), but had the same reaction to the book… some of it felt repetitive, some it felt like “old news” to me…. and I didn’t love it as much as other people, but I have also forgotten a lot about it, but I remember that overall it did have a good message.