Smile More
The city is so beautiful right now; all the flowering trees are in bloom, and every day is a little bit more colourful. When Rex stops to sniff, so do I.
We came across a little painted rock on the path the other day.
We both obliged.
It was funny to find that rock as I had just finished reading a chapter in Radical Acceptance about Unconditional Friendliness, and the importance of smiling to one’s spiritual health. Buddha, the book noted, is always portrayed with a smile to illustrate this concept of Unconditional Friendliness, which means to accept and meet feelings, people, and situations with openness.
In recent years women in particular – for good reason – have bristled at being told to smile, but honestly? Smiling is pretty great when it’s on your own terms.
I was in Costco last week and it was pure chaos – this may break the already well-established record for futile statements – but I made a conscious effort to smile amidst the pure mayhem that is endemic within that store. I will tell you that while it did not make the people blocking the aisles to get their free samples of sausage slices move out of the way, it did make the entire experience better. I welcome you with Unconditional Friendliness, I thought while maneuvering around them, I say yes to this experience. My Unconditional Friendliness was challenged in the dairy section, and wavered a lot in produce, but I kept my probably-low-level psychotic smile as I breathed through it. By the time I got to the checkout, there were no lines, and so I am going to conflate correlation with causation for my own purposes.
Science, Bitches
Typically I listen to podcasts while walking with Rex, and most of the time those podcasts are as frivolous as can be, but occasionally I will listen to something serious about economics, history, or science. I was listening to an Ologies podcast about Salugenology, the science of social prescriptions that increase health and well being, the categories of such being nature, movement, art, service, and community. It was a fascinating interview and I immediately put the author’s book, The Connection Cure, on hold at the library. I haven’t been reading much non-fiction lately, but I feel sure that I will love this, and you can be sure that I will report back.
On the topic of non-fiction, I have been approached more than once in the past several months by people asking about my newly-written, but not yet ready for publication, book. Strangely, the conversation immediately pivots from I heard you wrote a book to I never read novels, only serious non-fiction. I read to learn. Which, well. There is a lot of subtext to unpack there, and a lot of opportunity to practice Unconditional Friendliness.
Bad Bad Bad Bad Books, You Make Me Feel So Good
The great thing about books and literature is that there is something for everyone; there are countless books of all subjects and genres. On yet another walk I was listening to yet another podcast, this one by two women who have a romance publishing company. One of the hosts said something interesting: when it comes to books there is a subset of people who consider a book “bad” if one of the characters makes a decision that the reader disagrees with, or if the characters are not likeable.
I don’t belong to that subset. Three of the best books I read in 2024 had extremely unlikeable characters, or characters who made dubious decisions. Sometimes those characters were in both categories. Long Island Compromise was a work of art, it was so smart and so funny and such a great commentary on our society, and every single character was absolutely atrocious. Margo’s Got Money Troubles concerned a very young woman who becomes pregnant via an affair with her professor, and opens up an Only Fans account in order to make money. My Last Innocent Year also concerned a professor-student relationship that could never end well. I guess I’m part of the subset who really enjoys ambiguous endings, unwritten backstories, and layered stories. This is not to say that I don’t occasionally enjoy a cheery, predictable romance or bouncy celebrity memoir or even a serious non-fiction tome that increases my personal font of knowledge! But the only way I will consider a book bad is if it bores me, if the writing is poor, or if it doesn’t make sense. And yet, books are so subjective, one person’s I’d give it zero stars if I could is another person’s five star winner. It’s an interesting distinction: is the book objectively bad, or did you just not like it?
Taking It Personally
I saw a quote on Kari’s blog (HI KARI) that really resonated: If you understood how frequently people cope by projecting, you would learn to take nothing personally. I feel like we all should remember this all the time, both in our interactions with others, and our own responses to situations.
I’m a Creep, I’m a Weirdo
Speaking of responses to situations, a couple of days ago I had a notification of a comment on one of my Facebook posts. I looked at it, and then looked again.
This post was on the Calgary Yoga Community page, in response to a request for studio recommendations, and was written by me in November 2015. The commenter, John R Evans, says I was wondering if we could be friends, I already tried sending you a request, but it didn’t go through. Accept my sincere friendship, and please add me up if you don’t mind. THANKS.
First of all, Unconditional Friendliness does not extend to robot men on Facebook. Second of all, I’m sure the request did go through, but I would have instantly deleted it after seeing that the poster in question “works at US Army Fort Knox” and is “widowed.”
Of course I know this is not a real person, but still, it feels creepy. I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo. Fun fact: until only a few years ago, I thought the lyrics were I’m a creep, I’m a winner, and I always thought that’s so strange, it makes no sense, I guess they’re being sarcastic? Maybe I’m the weirdo here!
Weekly Reading
Caroline. This was a reread for me, first having read it in 2018, but it my friend Laura (HI LAURA) who, I have mentioned many, many times, runs Melissa Gilbert’s Modern Prairie book club, told me that this was their latest pick. So why not? It retells Laura Ingalls Wilder’s Little House on the Prairie, from Caroline’s point of view, with a few interesting and notable changes – those that were based on actual census data and not from Rose Wilder Lane’s libertarian editing. The wider story is about manifest destiny and fear of the indigenous people who they were displacing, which is hard to swallow these days. Still, I found it was such a thought-provoking read about what an incredibly difficult struggle daily life was back then. It must have been terrifying to be a woman – pregnant, no less, with two small children – riding into the unknown in a covered wagon and trying to figure out how to just make do with what she had. Imagine being pregnant and unsure if there would be a woman to help you with the birth! The reliance on good neighbours and how the very few that they had literally saved their lives is fascinating as well, and is something that is glossed over in the original books to reinforce the “pull yourself up by the bootstraps, be indebted to no one” theme.
Death By A Thousand Cuts. Last summer when my friend Jen was visiting (HI JEN), we went to Mosaic Books, and I picked this up. Then I had a flood of library books, forever, so I put it on my shelf. Friends, I forgot about it! When Jen was here last weekend, she was perusing my shelves for a book to borrow while she was visiting, and found it, still with the receipt. Didn’t you buy this book when we went to the bookstore? I had to right my wrongs and read it immediately after she left. And wow, wow, wow! It is so good! This collection of short stories is compelling and moving, and I devoured it. Every time I’d finish a story I’d think okay, just ONE more. Incredible! And the author is Canadian! You can bet I’m going to read everything she’s written now.
Three Days In June. This author is hit or miss with me, and this book was definitely a hit. I really enjoyed this tiny slice of life that concerned a woman attending her daughter’s wedding, with the day before and after. There was so much humanity in this little story, I loved it.
I wish you could smell these photos! You’ll just have to imagine – they are glorious! I hope you have a beautiful week, friends. xo
Awww, the painted rock! Middle Child painted quite a few and left them in parks during Covid. It was so fun when people found them and responded to the hashtag. All the blooms are stunning! I love this time of year.
I consider a book ‘bad’ if there are grammatical errors or if it’s written at a third grade level. But I have to say, if I truly dislike the main character, I do not like the book. I actually liked Margo in the money problems book. I also dislike preachy books or ones that use an inordinate amount of swearing for shock value.
Oh how lovely of your middle child! I love that. Spreading so much joy I’m sure!
YES Bijoux, poor writing or grammatical errors kill me, also “over-explaining” of anything, but particularly dialogue. I like when a book thinks that the reader is intelligent and can suss out meaning without having it spelled out.
I also loved Three Days in June! I went into it with without super high expectations- I’ve read a lot of Anne Tyler in the past and figured I would like it just fine- I didn’t expect to love it. I found the ending to be very touching.
To your “friends” who only read serious non-fiction: reading fiction is actually important. Studies show that it increases empathy, and maybe you could tell that to the next person who subtly disses your fluffy fiction book.
Thanks for the Rex photos! The one of him smiling (wait- I think he’s smiling in every photo) made me smile as well.
I took a look at Kari’s blog- she’s a treasure trove of wisdom!
Jenny, I agree with you 100% – fiction is important! And I have learned so much about writing from reading fiction too. I think it’s so important to read other people’s POV, even if you dislike those characters.
Such gorgeous pictures!
I laughed at this: “My Unconditional Friendliness was challenged in the dairy section, and wavered a lot in produce, but I kept my probably-low-level psychotic smile as I breathed through it. By the time I got to the checkout, there were no lines, and so I am going to conflate correlation with causation for my own purposes.”
I don’t think I have it in my soul to manage Costco. THERE ARE JUST TOO MANY PEOPLE. I mean, I like people. But Costco takes it to a new, unpalatable level.
I have Three Days in June on my holds list.
Love all the walking pictures <3
Lol, I thought your scientific brain might enjoy the correlation/ causation twist!
Elisabeth, our Costco is apparently the busiest one in Canada. The next closest one is in Kamloops, which is two hours away. So this single Costco serves a large area and whoa nelly, is that ever apparent.
I understand the appeal of identification, but I think only liking books with protagonists who act as you would in a given situation is a pretty restrictive way to read. Part of what we get from reading is insights into other ways of being, even if we would never embrace those ways, right?
Speaking of people making questionable choices, Caroline sounds interesting.
Such lovely pictures to close the post. What are the purple flowers?
Yes, Steph, that’s exactly right! I love getting different perspectives and feelings.
The purple flowers are lilacs, and they are so glorious right now! So much earlier than Calgary lilacs too.
Lololol the Robot Widowers. I had one on IG once who not only was widowed and thought I was BEAUTIFUL, but he was also a naval aviation instructor for Top Gun. WELL THEN YES, LET US CONNECT. I mean, honestly. Although that was pretty creepy in its specificity.
Oh, and I get so many friend requests from the Robot Widowers of Facebook…
I love the title of this post! I love the painted rock and how it made Rex smile! I’m so jealous of all the beautiful lilacs and flowering trees you’re enjoying. We don’t have any yet. It was so beautifiul for a few days, but it’s raining today and calling for snow. Boo.
Caroline sounds like an interesting book to me. I tend to enjoy books written from a different character’s perspective. You inspire me so much with your attitude of unconditional friendliness. And that it doen’t extend to creepy guys on Facebook. I’ll add that to the list of things I don’t miss about Facebook!
Oh boo, Michelle, I hope you get your flowers soon!
Hahahah the creepy guys on Facebook, it never ends! Always someone wanting to be my “special friend.”
I think you would like Caroline! Like I said some of the concept is really hard for me to read but it was an interesting switch of a POV.
I do know people who either:
1. feel guilty if they aren’t reading something “enriching” (probably a hangover from the Victorian Era)
2. have very little time but do want to be informed on things [often various domestic or international current or past horrors so they can be more informed on voting and donating, which I think is Probably A Good Thing]
3. got graduate degrees in the humanities and have never actually come back to reading for anything other than work after that (some of them who do not have to read for work just don’t read *at all*), although they used to read for pleasure (so. many.)(I mean, this is partly because probably 75% of my ‘circle’ has graduate degrees but STILL so many former-voracious-readers among the grads.)
4. (this is a weird one to me) *Can’t visualize anything* and therefore stop reading fiction when they’re no longer required to, because they read a few too many books that relied on lush description and… well. It’s still a blank grey wall in their minds and that was a lot of words and *why* do people enjoy this? (I also know someone who can’t visualize anything but still enjoys, like, the Shopaholic books, so it’s not that lack of visualization eliminates book enjoyment, but I can *totally see* how some books it’d be hard to come back after?)
5. are aware there is a stigma against Women’s Fiction or participate actively in that stigma and want to make it quite clear that they of course Read as is proper but they don’t read *That* (and these are the ones I want to smack, generally, as well as wanting to smack the culture that thinks women’s experiences are not of value or worth empathizing with or worth finding out more about)
As an almost-sixth item, I am a voracious reader but I could also see having terror of being asked if you would like to read Friend’s Book because sometimes books are *terrible* or are just absolutely not your thing, and if they ask you if you liked it and whether you’d post a facebook “buy this book, it comes out in March!” thing and whatnot, going… “uh. I’m sorry, I need to inspect my carpet lint collection, I won’t be able to do that…” (I used to happily proofread fiction and poetry for people, along with nonfiction, but then stopped for fiction and poetry because too many people did not, in fact, want to hear what they had misspelled, they only wanted more people to read it and gush and… sometimes I am not going to gush? some things are not my jam; some things are poorly written even if they are my jam; and it is not worth the risk unless people are really okay with me not responding “this is the most amazing thing I’ve read all year!!!”)
But I’d bet most of it is 5 and I hate that.
(separately: I am a “I need to at least not-dislike enough of the characters” person 95% of the time, with the 5% being mostly composed of Wodehouse and similar. I also dislike it when the *author* endorses Bad Things, but a *character* can endorse and do bad things and as long as the author isn’t making it look like that was actually a good thing [“oh, look how *romantic* stalking is!!!”]. But if I feel like someone is likely to come away from a book going “oooh, yeah, it’s actually SO GOOD for teenage girls to have sexual relationships with men decades older than they are and Quite A Triumph for the teenage girls as well” then I will want to smash the book, with vigor of desired smashing being dependent on 1. how much I loathe the message and 2. how much I think the author might have in fact manipulated people into Ayn Rand-ian thinking or worse-than-average-racism or whatever the particular garbage is and 3. how much of the book that is.)
Also as an adult, the Little House books from Caroline’s point of view: it is so Obvious that she wants to be back to the East Coast where she’s from and where her daughters can get a really good education and where her whole house can be a shrine of cleanliness rather than only having a couple small china figurines, and that her husband wants… the exact opposite. Always moving on, always starting from scratch, never knowing what she can rely on in their next location, never quite making it financially, wanting to keep the kids safe and alive and bring them up Ladies to some degree and this being a… challenge.
Also the sheer number of times that, as a child, I did not realize “oh, they just *almost died*” in those books where it is evident as an adult: yikes. And the racism, although I do very much appreciate that she had Laura in the books think that what her Ma was saying didn’t make much sense; as a child, I agreed with Laura, which I think was what she was aiming for, to be able to represent the racism and fear as it was *but* to make it really unconvincing and unappealing?
Anyway! Hooray for smiles! When willingly entered into!
You unpacked it all! That was my mental journey as well. I do think that in this case it was #5, and I know what you’re saying with the almost-six. It’s a very very very big hurdle to get over, the feeling that not everyone is going to love what I write. Just like I don’t love everything I read! I feel like my book is a pretty specific genre and I know it wouldn’t be for everyone. It’s also awkward to think of people hating it but wanting to be nice to me, you know? One of the instructors in the creative writing course I took said that after you write a book there are two big reactions: the person who immediately says “I haven’t read your book yet” and the person who HAS read your book and then looks at you weirdly forever. “Was she really thinking that the whole time?” And then the people who think characters are based on them!
The Bad Things paragraph reminded me of my young-teen obsession with the book Elvis and Me, which is incredibly problematic.
Oh god YES the times they all could have died OR Pa could have died and left Ma in the middle of nowhere as a vulnerable widow is terrifying. Remember in These Happy Golden Years, when that woman threatened to kill her husband if he didn’t take her back East? They were living in a shanty in the middle of South Dakota in the winter, I UNDERSTAND HER FEELINGS!
That fourth picture, I think it’s your garden? Your view, everything—it’s absolutely dreamy.
I love your smiling experiment. I’m going to try it the next time I’m at Costco. I love Costco, just not the experience. Maybe smiling will help.
Your take on books sounds like something I wrote for an upcoming post. If I get one good takeaway from a book I didn’t totally love, I consider that a success. I think people often treat reviews like it’s either a complete fail or total win, and they don’t always consider the value of takeaways. Maybe this applies more to non-fiction, but I see your point with fiction too. I also enjoy reading about characters who are nothing like me or if I dislike them.
I got very excited that my name was mentioned—you made my day! 😘💜
And I thought the lyrics were “I’m a winner” until this year. “Weirdo” makes so much more sense. 🤣
Oooh that’s a very nuanced take, Kari. Yes, a book isn’t an all-or-nothing! Sometimes we can get things out of them even if we don’t enjoy the overall book/ reading experience.
HAHAHAH we both had the same “winner/weirdo” mashup!
Trees are flowering here and tulips are blooming AND I AM HERE FOR IT. I pointed out every single flowering tulip on our walks to/from church on Sunday. My children were probably annoyed but oh well. I was very enthused about spring springing (finally!).
I can like books where characters are unlikeable or make bad decisions, although as you know, I have issues with books about infidelity. I can like books with infidelity but it needs to be handled in a manner that works for me – meaning, there has to be some acknowledgement that it’s a terrible decision and almost always has major, irreversible ramifications. This is a ME thing, though. I know many can read about infidelity and not react at all. I am such a black and white person about that decision that it can really derail a book for me!
I am puzzled by people contacting you to kind of ask to read your book while also saying they only read non-fiction since that is so obviously NOT what you wrote!
I always go through a “Lisa test” in my head when I’m reading a book that deals with a lot of sex, infidelity, etc.!
I don’t think that the people in question were asking to read my book, I felt like it was more of an acknowledgement, crossed with a “I’m not interested” – which, honestly, I did not think the people in question would have been interested in the first place – wrong demographic/ genre!
I just read Anne Tyler’s latest and I didn’t love it. But I was just coming off reading her book, The Accidental Tourist, and I think my expectations were too high. I’m actually planning a whole future Substack post about Anne Tyler do stay tuned!
Oh interesting! You know what, we are opposites right now because I didn’t enjoy the Accidental Tourist and I cannot remember why. It was a while ago, could be a pandemic-related review, if you know what I mean!
You may be practicing Unconditional Friendliness, but it sounds like a lot of people you encounter need to be practicing Unconditional Shut the Fuck Up-edness. Dude. WTF.
(Also, and I know I am preaching to the choir here, but a person can learn A LOT from fiction. I am unreasonably mad at these people Nicole!)
I love the distinction between “bad book” and “book that isn’t your jam.” I would like to claim, based on personal experience, that there are TONS of bad books out there… and yet, many of them find prolific readerships. A pot for every lid, a book for every shelf, I suppose.
All the flowers you and Rex are encountering are so gorgeous! I too am doing lots of sniffing as I walk around outside. What a beautiful time of year!
A pot for every lid indeed! I realize this every single time I go on goodreads and realize that either a book I hated has almost all five-star reviews, or, conversely, a book I loved has almost all two-star reviews. HAPPENS EVERY TIME. Well, not every time, but you know what I’m saying.
Also, I think I often learn more from fiction – I learn so much about cultures, humanity, etc. It doesn’t all need to be stoic and strident!
We are behind most people in the flowers, but I did see a lone tulip in a bed as I was leaving school.
I came back to this post because I couldn’t comment when I first read it and JUST got the title. Duh.
I have been consciously walking around smiling more and it makes a difference – as long as we agree no one, especially men, should be telling women to smile.
Oh, and a couple of times I have given favourite books to people and they have said they didn’t like them due to unlikable protagonists and ughghghghghg I try not to judge but also do not give them my favourite books anymore.
Oh wow, you are behind in the flowers! I remember at this time last year there were definitely tulips out. Ugh, I guess it was your late snow.
I hear you on the favourite books thing. It’s so GREAT when someone just totally gets why you love something, and then it’s kind of a bummer when that doesn’t happen.
I always feel there’s a whiff of pretentiousness when people report they only read nonfiction. I completely disagree with the idea that you can’t learn from fiction. I learned about the Belgian Congo reading the Poisonwood Bible, India from A Fine Balance, Japan and Korea from Pachinko. I will do further research when I’m reading about political turmoil to understand the topic better. My geography also improves 🙂
I read the novel The Lost Diaries of Susanna Moodie by Cecily Ross about her early life in England and then moving to the wilds of Upper Canada – wow, I can’t even imagine what that must have been like and that she managed to survive it. I have not read her actual diaries, but I do want to – because nonfiction!!
I am an Anne Tyler fan and have that book on hold and looking forward to it.
Isn’t it wonderful to see all the plants blooming, and yes, the wonderful smells the flowers bring.
Jacquie, I agree with you 100%! I’ve learned so much about other people and cultures from fiction, from your examples specifically as well!. I do think there is a hint of pretentiousness and I don’t care for that at all.
I have the Susanna Moodie diaries – I believe the one I have is called Roughing it in the Bush, and she also talks about the Grace in Margaret Atwood’s Alias Grace! Such a fascinating part of our history. I deeply admire the women who lived in such terrible conditions – imagine winter in Canada if you weren’t prepared for it!
Painted rocks! A family down the street made a practice of painting them then sneaking them around. Fun, fun.
As for the only serious non-fiction reader, I’ve had people say that to me about my personal blog. It’s snobbery and a way of rationalizing not paying attention to you. Like it’s your fault for writing the wrong thing or in the wrong place for them to take notice of you.
Normally I don’t like crowds or shopping, but for whatever reason I always love going to Costco, even when it’s crowded. Ok fine, the shopping cart pile ups around the samples are annoying, but I love the people watching and I love how the staff is always in a good mood and they set the tone for everyone else.
Lah-di-dah on the “I read to learn” crowd. So do I. I read to learn, to feel, and to dream. Fiction is part of that mix!
I’m with you on unlikeable characters and ambiguous endings. When done right, there is nothing more delicious than an “unlikeable” character. I adored Margo. An ambiguous ending makes me think, because I have to fill in the blank instead of having it spoon fed to me. There are plenty of books that are not for me, and sometimes it’s the book but more often it’s just that I’m not in the right headspace for the book.
I read Three Days in June this week as well. It was just OK for me – I loved the main character, but didn’t have the warm fuzzies for the daughter or the ex. In the meantime I have a ton of stuff on hold but nothing that I’m currently reading. Guess what – you just fixed that problem! There’s no wait time for Caroline on Libby, so I’ll start it tonight.
For whatever reason lilacs aren’t very common here. We had some in the backyard of the house where I grew up, so this time of year it was Lilacs on Demand. I miss them.
I love both these ideas: Radical Acceptance and Unconditional Friendliness. I think the only downside to it is that sometimes people can be weird because they think you’re “asking for it.” (And I’m afraid that witnessing some of the more questionable interactions made my younger kid tell me that RBF is the way for them.)
Your Rex and flower photos are marvelous! I hope the lilacs are still there when I get home!
Your pictures are so beautiful. I am happy you are enjoying that splendor, but again, jealous. We have had such a grey rainy cool spring (still!) that not much is blooming. Some tulips and a few apple blossoms but when you are bundled up as it’s 9 degrees and raining it’s hard to enjoy them.
Love your unconditional friendliness. I find our Costco isn’t terrible. But I don’t do a huge shop, just have a small list of things so I’m in and out. But YES people blocking whole aisles by the samples drives me nuts. Be aware of your surroundings!!
People can be so snobby about their reading (and same people will watch hours of crap TV, so there). I LOVE good fiction and have learned so much over their years as so much of fictions is based on historical truth.
I have made it a point to look people in the eye, smile and say Good Morning when I am on my morning walk. Most people seem to enjoy it – then there are those psychos that avert their eyes and say nothing. Jeez people, I’m just trying to spread a little joy over here if you want to wallow in whatever hell you think your life is; have it.
Books are very subjective; as you know. I wouldn’t qualify most books that I don’t like as “bad” – but more in the that’s not my thing category. Of course, there are some terribly written bad books out there too – and I always wonder how did that get published?
