WELL HELLO THERE! Where have I been? I spent just shy of three weeks in Italy; it was a dream vacation and I will remember it forever. Of course, I am in the what are words and how do we use them phase of jet lag, and so behold, I give you a photo-heavy overview of the ten places we visited.

• Roma! We started and ended our vacation in Rome, which is my favourite city that I have ever been to. I was there on a school trip in Grade 11 and what I remember most is that I couldn’t walk five steps without being blown away by something incredible, and this was exactly my experience now, all these years later. We spent a total of six nights there, and we could have spent sixty and would still not have experienced everything. All of our touring was on foot along the cobblestone streets, dodging the tiny cars for whom things like “lanes” and “pedestrian areas” are fluid and flexible concepts.

• Vatican City. On my husband’s birthday we went to the Vatican and had a small group tour of the museum and St Peter’s Basilica; of the six people in our group, three were celebrating birthdays. We were led by a very handsome and charming guide named Massimo, who appeared to be some kind of celebrity in the tour guide world. Everywhere we went we heard calls of Ey, Massimo!, to which he’d respond with a lift of his hand and a Ciao. Ciao! Allora., like he was on the red carpet, faced with the paparazzi, and we were his entourage, following behind, rarely getting our tickets checked at the security points. He spoke of himself in the third person. Why do you not let Massimo show you? he’d say, demi-sexually, with his hand on our shoulder if one of our group was lagging or distracted by something. I was the only non-Catholic in our group, which made me the subject of many, many jokes; Massimo gestured widely to the vast number of confessionals in the Basilica. You can surely find an English speaking priest, he said, looking at his watch, And you have until 7pm, that is enough time, no? It was 11am at the time, and I didn’t think eight hours would be quite enough to confess everything, and so I remain non-Catholic.

• Civita de Bagnoregio. Rome must have been sad that we were leaving, as the beautiful weather TURNED on our departure. We had hired a driver to take us to Montepulciano with a stop at Civita de Bagnoregio, as driving in Italy – especially Rome – is pure madness. Madness, I say! Our driver, Roberto, was achieving speeds near 150 km/hour in the driving rain and fog, on winding roads, and I wondered if this would be the end, beautiful friend. Happily it wasn’t, but the weather did not let up for Civita, a tiny crumbling village on top of a mountain. On the upside, it wasn’t crowded.

• Montepulciano. After that, Roberto zoomed us over to Montepulciano, a non-crumbling village atop a mountain in Tuscany. It is famous for its wine, which I enjoyed, and we toured a cellar that dated from 1337. We stayed in the most adorable six-room hotel, that was so full of tchotchkes, it felt like staying at someone’s nonna’s house.

• Siena. We took the train to Siena, also in Tuscany, and enjoyed the food and wine there. Notably we explored the Duomo and climbed the Panorama del Facciatorre and Porto del Cielo, which gave a marvelous view of the city and the basilica. They were accessed by tiny, narrow, spiral staircases, so this is not for the claustrophobic. Fortunately I wasn’t, although the Panorama was a bit nerve wracking, being only a few feet wide with very low railings, towering above the city. We had the added pleasure of seeing longtime friends whom we hadn’t seen in twenty years. We moved on up in the world by staying in a ten-room hotel, which was gorgeous. In the incredible main piazza, I discovered a love of pigeons, channeling my inner Bert, or maybe even my inner Bobby Simone.

• Firenze! We took the train to Florence, where we were to spend five nights. That’s a lot of nights in Florence, but we had several day trips, via train, planned. The train system is so great in Italy! While in Florence we enjoyed the Renaissance art, and also a little bit of market shopping. Almost everywhere, you can buy David penis-related merchandise, from fridge magnets to key chains to postcards to the type of apron that makes you look like your head has been transposed onto David’s body. It’s all so cheap and weird, which makes the viewing of the actual David even more spectacular. I remembered our teacher chaperone, back on my school trip in 1992, purchasing a plastic replica of David, and I can just imagine it on his coffee table, lo these many years later. I refrained from purchasing any penis-related memorabilia, so anyone expecting one such postcard will be disappointed.

• Lucca. Our first day trip via train was Lucca, and it was kind of a low point. I had been excitedly anticipating this medieval walled city but we visited it the day before their famous comic and gaming conference, the largest in Europe. We got off the trip with several costumed individuals, including a man who looked exactly like Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons. The medieval wall was covered in tents from various sponsors, and their main square was filled with a tent advertising Squid Games. There was even a giant inflated anime character beside the church. Still, it was fun to stroll around.

• Cinqueterra! If Lucca was the low point, Cinqueterra was the high. Our guide, Stephano, picked us up in Florence and drove us non-insanely to Manarola, which we strolled through to catch the train to Corniglia, where we hiked through the hillside to Vernazza. We had lunch there, then took the train to Monterossa al Mare, where I was surprised to see so many people on a beach vacation. This is the Speedo capital of the world! Stephano told me, gesturing to the many men so attired. From there we took a boat back to Manarola and headed back for Florence. It was such a great day, one of the best of my entire life.

• Pisa! Like David’s penis, there are replicas of the Leaning Tower of Pisa everywhere, and so my expectations for this sight were fairly low. Was I ever wrong! We took the train to Pisa and when we came up to the historic building I absolutely gasped. It is so incredibly beautiful. It honestly took my breath away. We climbed to the top, and it was kind of unsettling to feel the slant in the floors and in the winding spiral steps. They’d slant one way, then, as you’d make your way to the other side, they’d slant the other. Also, there is a law that if you don’t take a photo pretending to hold up the tower, they make you go home, but it’s harder than you think!

• Venizia! Venice is such a chaotic, beautiful, wild, crazy place. It is a frequent stop for cruise ships, and we got there on a Saturday afternoon, which was maybe not the best timing. There was incredibly dense fog, and we wandered the streets, getting pleasantly lost, until our wandering brought us into masses of people crammed into streets lined with incredibly high-end shops. It felt all the world like being in the Venetian hotel in Vegas, except with poor air quality. We had to stop and fortify ourselves with several Aperol spritzes. The next day was much more fun; we got up very early and took the Vaporitta, the water bus, through the city while listening to an audio guide. I had fully expected to want a gondola ride, but when I saw the reality – bumper to bumper gondolas, people queued up as for a Disney ride – I didn’t want to anymore. The population of Venice is diminishing rapidly as it is very expensive to live there, doing day-to-day things like getting groceries is nearly impossible, and there are very strict government building codes that prevent changes to dwellings that are decaying, mildewed, and subject to frequent floods. I’m really glad we went to Venice, because it’s an incredible sight to behold, but I don’t want to go back.

And now I’m home, and trying to catch up on life! I’d love to catch up with all of you, as well. I missed you! Currently I have 304 unread posts in my reader, so it might take some time – help a girl out and tell me what I’ve missed! News did follow me and so I did not miss the US election results. While I’m always sending Care Bear Stares to my friends around the globe, I’m sending extra to my friends south of the border. I hope you can feel them. Tell me something good, friends, or tell me what’s happening in your life, tell me something fun, tell me something serious, just tell me anything. xo