At my weekly Co-Op trip on Wednesday, I was the sole person – other than the employees – under the age of seventy. It was all hatted-and-matching-scarved ladies and some older gentlemen and one couple who put me in mind of Lewis and Bethany, arguing with the butcher about the cut of roast pork these days. Fortunately I missed the advent of the senior’s bus, and was instead faced with several lovely old people: I had an in-depth conversation with an elderly man about the sweetness of Mandarin oranges at this time of year, and how this is an exceptional year for them. I chatted with an old lady about how Nothing Compares To Garden-Grown Tomatoes, But These Cherry Tomatoes Are Rather Tasty. I even flirted with an octogenarian who winked at me as I looked at a package of candy canes, asking if I had a sweet tooth because I looked like a sweet lady. Well, some of us are just not sweet enough, I responded, holding up the box of candy. This is what my life has come to, people. Flirting with eighty year old men who are on their way back to the Home.

Maybe I was feeling at one with the elderly because I was moving like one. I hurt my back this week, shovelling the endless drifting snow. Although I strongly believe that shovelling snow is a man’s job, let’s celebrate the patriarchy, here, honey, have a shovel, I find it hard to justify leaving the snow to my husband when he leaves work at 7:00 pm and then sits in traffic for an hour, while I am technically home all day. But I was busy baking cookies only gets you so far, people.

In any case, the other day I was attempting to chisel packed down snow and ice off the sidewalk when I hit a ridge in said sidewalk. I could practically feel my spine reverberate. I have been meaning to consult a chiropractor for a while (read: a few years), since I have felt like my hips are out of alignment, and the crazy back pain I was experiencing expedited this process.

Have you ever been to a chiropractor? I have not. I used to think the whole profession was based on a whole bunch of back cracking hoo-ha, but my husband has been going to one for years and it really has made a difference for him. Let the records show that I have been changed! So I made an appointment with a nearby office, and sat in the little room on a strange little bench, waiting and reading back issues of Chatelaine.

Now, I don’t know what the medical professionals in your life are like, but mine are a fairly stout and frumpy lot, scrub-wearing and jovial. They are decidedly unattractive and have that comfortable vibe that says that they are above such things. So I was a little surprised to see my chiropractor, who visually could only be described as a hipster. All that was missing was a scarf and an ironic moustache. But a good life lesson for us all is to not judge a book by its cover; as it turns out the hipster chiro immediately located my issue, which – apparently – may have developed during pregnancy. Pregnancy! That was a while ago.

Speaking of hipsters, every time the chiro mentioned my sacroiliac, I internally hummed Let Your Backbone Slide, which shows how hip I am.

My whole life, Grandma Fern and I lived a thousand kilometres apart, but I’d spend large chunks of summer vacations visiting with her. The summer that I was six, she woke me up at three in the morning and we watched the Royal Wedding together; we were equally enchanted by the dresses and the fairy tale. It was a given, then, that thirty years later we would both get up at three in the morning, in our separate houses, and with our separate friends, to watch the other Royal Wedding. I called Grandma later that morning and we talked about the dresses and the fairy tale. We talked about how improbably handsome Prince Harry had become, if Pippa’s dress was appropriate, and how slim Carole Middleton looked. Grandma was of the opinion that Camilla Parker-Bowles should not have even been invited to the wedding, to which I replied that she should, since after all she is Prince William’s stepmother. She is NOT, Grandma retorted, She is nothing but a home wrecker. I should have known better. Topics to never discuss with Grandma include boredom, evolution, and Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Grandma told me once that she wasn’t the best housekeeper in the world, but she sure could make a good roast. She was an amazing cook and she had the ability to cook for twenty hungry people like it was nothing at all. She had a huge garden, which she loved. When I visited her she made a vegetable stir fry for the two of us, or fresh-from-the-garden tomato sandwiches. She was always doing something; baking, cooking, or watching the Blue Jays on TV. 

She loved the Blue Jays and she never missed a game. I was careful not to phone her when a game was on TV because I knew that her desire to talk to me would be much tempered by her desire to not miss a play. She had opinions about the batting order and who should be pitching when. When the Blue Jays lost she would turn off the TV in disgust, but the game would always be on again, the next day.

I also knew, if I phoned her when she had friends over, to tell her I would call back another time. When friends were over, they would be playing cards and I knew Grandma would want to get back to the game right away. She loved cards and would keep score on a notepad, writing “Us” versus “Them”.

Grandma was so funny. She, my mom, and I were walking through a department store lingerie section. My mom flipped her hand on a lacy, skimpy negligee. Oh yes, Grandma said, That looks very serviceable. Once I was helping her fasten her necklace before a family wedding. Oooh, Grandma, you smell nice, I said. Well, it’s hard, you know, with perfume. Grandma replied. You have to put it where you want to be kissed.

Oh, Grandma. When I picture her in my mind, she’s in her kitchen, cooking up a storm, wearing capri pants and a long blouse, in purple or blue or turquoise, and little Isotoner slippers on her feet. Her hair is done and she has lipstick on, and a cup of coffee is sitting on the counter.

She was the strongest person I had ever known. She was widowed at age 32, with six young children. She married my grandpa, who had four children of his own, the youngest being my dad. Grandma told me that before they were married, Grandma had my dad at her house and he – and all the other six children – came down with whooping cough. The youngest two, my twin aunts, were hit the hardest. Grandma said that Grandpa came over to give Grandma a rest; she slept that night while he watched the kids. The next day the party lines lit up, with the hottest gossip in the small town. Clifford’s car was there ALL NIGHT. And them not married yet!

She never slept much; she had so much energy. I could wake up at any time of the night, and Grandma would be sitting at the kitchen table, with a crossword puzzle. She did a crossword puzzle every day and what I wouldn’t give to do one with her right now.

She loved her church and she was strongly religious. When I was a kid, I would go to Vacation Bible School at her church, and I would enjoy the special treatment and minor celebrity of being “Fern’s granddaughter”. She was aghast when she found out my future husband was Catholic, although she warmed slightly when I told her he wasn’t exactly practicing. Once when I visited her, my darling cousins Brittany and Melissa came over too. Grandma said to Brittany, Nicole came all the way to Calgary to see me, you need to come over more often! To which my cousin Melissa replied I see Grandma every week at church! Brittany and I laughed, because there was no way we could top that one.

Grandma Fern didn’t have a particularly easy life, but she wasn’t one for self-pity or complaining; a characteristic I want to strive for. She had no use for feeling sorry for oneself; she made the best of every situation. I was one of many, many grandchildren, but she always made me feel special. She was the best grandma a girl could have, and I miss her so much already. Hey, what’s a seven word for love? Starts with G. Sixth letter is M.

1) Sometimes, not very often, but sometimes I like to check my “stats” on this blog to see what brings people – not my usual, beloved readers, but different people – to this little space on the internet. And every time I remember why I don’t check those often. Recently, the most popular search term – other than, sweetly enough, “girl in a boy house”  – is “braless” or some permutation of the term, such as “braless teen” or “braless vacation”. I didn’t think I talked about bralessness that much, really. Other than when I’m on vacation – when I am wearing a bathing suit or a shelf-bra tank – I am never braless. Not even to bed. I just don’t like walking around with sad, deflated, drooping breasts. Frankly, I’m surprised the term is such a draw. Bralessness is not actually that attractive.

2) Other hot search terms are “70s porn stache” and “hot male moustache pic” which makes me wonder if, on some other type of blog, there are a lot of hot female moustache pics. The internet is a magical place.

3) Proof of the true inner Nicole: I want this for Christmas SO BADLY

From modcloth.com

4) I also really, really want this apron:

From modcloth.com

I have had kind of an irritating day, that I cannot write about, but believe me, it’s been irritating. I don’t think it’s just the combination of full moon and ladies’ holidays. I think I’m justified in my irritants, although I have some advice: when you are already feeling irritable, do not go to Wal Mart, even if you are all out of liquid soap. In any event, I’m kicking back with a glass (read: bottle) of wine and my laptop, what could possibly go wrong. I should probably heed my spam commenter who said, and I quote, “fatty liver disease alcohol consumption fatty liver disease alcohol consumption visit my website alcoholic fatty liver gastroenterology emedicine”. Okay.

Judgy spam commenter. I much preferred the one who said “We’re a bunch of volunteers and opening a new scheme in our community. Your site offered us with helpful information to work on. You’ve done an impressive process and our entire neighbourhood might be thankful to you. Visit my webpage fuck.net.”

I do like the idea of an entire neighbourhood being thankful to me. I’m not sure if I have the same journey to an end in mind as the good people at fuck.net, but I do like to be helpful.

Vacation Nicole

1) Vacation Nicole drinks Palm Bay at 10:00 in the morning with her father-in-law. She has a second one at 11, followed by a few more later in the afternoon

2) Vacation Nicole goes down waterslides and gets her hair wet in the wave pool.

3) Vacation Nicole eats six giant Greek salads, made with fresh-from-the-garden vegetables, in seven days.

4) Vacation Nicole eats chips and salsa for lunch, along with stuffed green olives. Plus Palm Bay.

5) Vacation Nicole does not wear underwear but instead wears swimsuits and cover-ups all day long.

6) Vacation Nicole allows the children to go to 7-11 for Slurpees every single day.

7) Vacation Nicole stays up until 11:00 – ELEVEN O’CLOCK – watching The Sopranos.

Regular Nicole

1) Regular Nicole immediately unpacks all suitcases, washes all water bottles and snack containers, and starts on the mountain of laundry.

2) Regular Nicole cracks the whip on the children regarding nutritious food and sitting properly at the dinner table.

3) Regular Nicole wears proper clothes – including a sweater, since it’s damn cold here – along with regular underwear.

4) Regular Nicole will have a glass of wine and go to bed at 9:30, right after catching up on Breaking Bad before it premieres on Sunday.

5) Regular Nicole is making to-do lists and is thinking about buying snowsuits, snow boots, school shoes, pants, and sweaters for the sprouting children.

6) Regular Nicole missed all her readers and friends and is desperately hoping they will catch her up on what’s been going on since she’s been gone.

7) Regular Nicole has apparently forgotten how to write about herself in the first person. She will work on it, she promises.

I’m sure everyone is well aware now that Calgary has been in a state of emergency due to extensive flooding. Approximately 100,000 people – or one tenth of the city – were evacuated from their homes. Damage is incredible. I am learning that flood insurance is not something that is available in Canada, and so I cannot imagine the pain that some people – including people who are my friends, people who I am close to – are going through. Not only have their houses been damaged and their beloved possessions destroyed, but then there’s the sticky business of paying for all this damage. I can’t even begin to fathom it. Although the water is receding now and the city has turned a corner, the image of streets turned into rivers, our much-loved zoo being underwater, and water coursing through houses and neighbourhoods won’t leave me.

Here in my neighbourhood, and in other neighbourhoods far from the rivers on higher ground, it’s hard to believe anything has happened. The sky is blue, the streets are dry. We are so lucky. We are doing our best to help out by staying off the streets as requested by Calgary Police, and trying to help out friends affected. There is not much to do at this time except bake treats for the nearby police station and firehall, host people who need it, and wait until it’s appropriate to do more.

The great thing about Calgarians is that they really pull together. This city has great heart. Everyone wants to help. The city has not asked for cleanup volunteers yet, but when they do I’m sure there will be no shortage. Click here for frequently asked questions and click here to donate to the Red Cross to help out.   

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Here are some things going on as a result of the flooding:

1) School Closures. Schools were closed on Friday and will be closed tomorrow. Since the last day of school was supposed to be Wednesday, this feels a little bizarre. Will the kids be back at school before school’s out for the summer? Telling the kids that there is no school tomorrow was less satisfying than I thought it would be. I expected excitement; instead I encountered deep sadness that the (make-work) projects that they had been working on over the last few weeks would go unfinished. The solution: a few make-work projects of our own. Mark is going to write a research paper on jackals and Jake is going to create some three dimensional objects out of construction paper. Ah, my little nerds.

2) Shopping Crises. After finding out late Thursday night that there would be no school on Friday, and also that the entire downtown was flooded and therefore no work for my husband, I decided to zip out to the nearby old-people grocery store to pick up my usual weekly groceries (I usually go on Saturdays). The store was packed. I got the second-last cart in the corral, and slowly dodged people with carts packed full of flats of bottled water. Drinking water was – and is – still excellent quality, but as a precaution I had filled the bathtub, kettle, and every single water bottle in the house. As yet I have not had to use them but Friday morning I felt, frankly, kind of silly being in the grocery store and not packing my cart with water bottles. I felt like maybe I SHOULD buy some water although I didn’t really need it. Then I noted that the shelves were being cleared of bottled water, at which point I started to feel panicky. What if the water did get turned off and I ran out of my home-filled bottles? I did buy a few single bottles although at this moment I feel kind of silly about it. I think I’ll donate them – the Morley reserve is in desperate need of bottled water, along with many other items. Don’t forget that we need to limit water use where possible to ease pressure on the treatment plants: short showers, running washing machines and dishwashers only when necessary, and – OBVIOUSLY – no watering of lawns, plants, etc., no washing cars. 

3) Non-Profiteering and Non-Looting. The police have been working overtime guarding evacuated neighbourhoods, and because of that reports of looting have been negligible. Also – and this speaks to the amazing power that is social media – one liquor store had been selling ice at $20/bag in an affected neighbourhood, and photos of this went viral. Ha HA. Another store was offering free ice to anyone in need, and that photo also went viral. Karma, crisis-style.

So that’s what is going on around here. Thanks to everyone for your concern and good thoughts. Ways to help if you’re local or not: Say thank you to the first responders. Help a friend in need. The need will go on for a long time after the waters recede. For those of you who have the means to do so, donations to the Red Cross will go a long way. The Boyhouse will resume its regular silly and frivolous posting later this week. Possible topics: mosquito infestations and fashionable rubber boots. Also – how to style your hair while anticipating a downpour. xoxo

1) I’m going on a girl’s night away tonight, and I seem to be experiencing equal parts excitement and guilt over leaving.  I texted my husband “I miss you” and he replied “Already. It’s just a regular day.”  Yes, it was ten in the morning and yes, normally it would be eight hours until I would actually see him anyway but STILL.

2) The amount of beauty products I pack for one night away is the same amount I would pack for two weeks away, which means I have a very large sunk cost when it comes to travel, suitcase-space-wise. 

3) I have an inability to “pack light”.  This is what my suitcase looks like:

4) This does not include the large bag of muffins, cookies, and wine that I’m taking in my bid to FEED EVERYONE ALL THE TIME.  Honestly, it’s like a sickness with me.  I think I caught it from my mother.  Eat, eat.  HAVE ANOTHER ONE.

5) Completely off-topic, my friend Maggie said she noticed that H&M is selling acid wash jean shorts now, and I feel despair for all of today’s youth.

6) I showed my kids this morning what it means to peg your jeans, and how that’s how we all wore our jeans back in the eighties.  Mark asked “Why did you have to do that?  Who made you?” which is a very excellent question.

7) My friend Jani wrote a book!  It’s very good!  You can buy it here or here.  I read it yesterday while waiting for the kids at karate.  There was a dad waiting there as well, and he fell asleep on one of the couches, snoring loudly.  I questioned if I should wake him up at class end, but luckily his phone rang, doing the trick.  His ringtone, and I am not making this up, was a Chewbacca roar.  Or whatever sound it is that Chewbacca makes. 

8) On that note, I’m off!  To see a display of Princess Diana’s dresses!  And drink wine and eat cookies and muffins!  Have a great weekend, everyone. xoxo

My friend Nan came across the “50 Ways To Live Life To The Full” on the Daily Mail site and described her reaction to each of those 50 ways.  I don’t know, I kind of feel like I’m living life to the fullest right now, given that I had popcorn for lunch instead of my usual tomato/cucumber/hummous sandwich.  However, I am going to write about my reaction to this list of fifty events, and I encourage you to do it as well!  It’s a fun Friday meme!  Memes.  Like it’s 2008.

1. Stop worrying about money
Right off the bat, I find this annoying.  You know, MC Hammer stopped worrying about money and Hammerland was taken into receivership.  Did you know the vast majority of lottery winners are broke within five year?  Maybe you SHOULD worry about money, at least a little.

2. Stop worrying about what other people think
Well, that depends, doesn’t it?  I don’t worry too much if people think I’m a spoiled princess of a housewife, but I would be a little worried if people thought I was an asshole or mean to my kids or something.  We do live in a society.

3. Take two holidays a year
Oh, I’ve got this one! 

4. Enjoy little comforts in life
Did I mention I had popcorn for lunch?

5. Experience different cultures
This is an important point, I think.  I agree, Daily Mail!  But not to the point where I will go to a luau in Hawaii or anything; I have a hard time with the whole pig thing.

6. Work to live rather than live to work
But what if you enjoy your job? 

7. Pay off all debts
Done.

8. Be true to yourself
I am going to quote Nan on this one: “Unless “yourself” is an asshole. In that case, be better than yourself.”

9. Concentrate on what you have instead of what you don’t have
Yes, this is important.  I actually have to tell my kids this often.

10. Use money on experiences rather than saving for a rainy day
This is silly.  I strongly disagree, Daily Mail.  This kind of entitlement attitude is what leads to debt crises.

11. Make time for family and friends
Pretty much ALL my time is spent with family and friends.  I’m a stay at home mom who hangs out in the playground for fun.

12. Try all types of food
Well…no.  There are many, many things that I have no interest in trying.

13. Find true love
Aw, I totally have a Shmoopie.

14. Travel to at least 25 different foreign countries
These are the countries I have travelled to: US, Mexico, The Netherlands, Italy, Greece, Turkey, and Egypt.  So, I guess I only have 18 to go?

15. Go outside more
I am outside ALL THE TIME.  During the winter this is a major point of contention for me but yet the dog must be walked and the children must be taken and picked up from school. 

16. Learn a new language
I am currently learning Pokemon, and it makes me want to poke-my-eyes-out.

17. Be well thought of by family and friends
I think this is true!  Or at least everyone is too polite to say if it isn’t.

18. Help a member of your family out when they really need it
I treated a wart on one of my children’s toe recently.  I think that really counts.

19. Lose a stone in weight
A stone is seven pounds.  I am not going to lose seven pounds.  I lost five pounds when I had the norovirus in January and I looked like actual death. edited to add: my god, a stone is fourteen pounds, not seven!  If I lost fourteen pounds I would look like Skeletor.

20. Treat each day like it’s your last
This is a terrible idea!  If it was my last day on earth I’d eat and drink like a Roman emporer, and cry a lot.

21. Visit all of Britain’s historical landmarks
I would love to do that, actually.  But I think the Daily Mail is a bit biased.

22. Book an impulsive last minute holiday
This will never happen.  My husband is the holiday planner extraordinaire and he plans vacations a good two years in advance.

23. Volunteer for a good cause
I volunteer for so much stuff that I actually had to cut myself off from volunteering.

24. Take up a challenge
This summer I’m going to challenge myself to actually organize all the children’s schoolwork that I have saved over the year, but if the past is any indication, I won’t get very far because I’ll end up reading a Mother’s Day card from preschool and curl up in a corner sobbing.

25. Go on safari
Oooh!  I want to do this!  I always thought this would be what my husband and I could do on our 25th wedding anniversary.  I’ll get him to start planning for that on our 23rd anniversary.

26. Blow a load of money in one shopping trip, just because you can
This happens every time I a) go to Costco or b) go to Lululemon.

27. Learn a new instrument
I already play the piano at a pretty high level, how much more do you want from me?

28. Be married for longer than 20 years
Talk to me in nine years.

29. Have enough money left for the grandchildren to enjoy
Oooooh, grandchildren! 

30. Start a family
Done.

31. Earn more than your age
What does this mean?  I have to earn more than $38 a year?  I don’t understand this question.

32. Have a pet
Barkley!

33. Drive a really fast car
My husband has a really fast car; I am not allowed to drive it.  It’s okay, I prefer rocking out my minivan anyway.  Windows open, kids in the back, with Gangnam Style cranked up.  LIKE A BOSS.

34. Travel alone
I went to Saskatchewan by myself last year, does that count?

35. Be able to keep the kids on the straight and narrow
So far, so good.

36. Meet strangers
I talk to people all the time.  In grocery stores, post office, dog park, playground…I think I’m good.  In fact, I think maybe sometimes people wish I talked to them less.

37. Move away from home to an unfamiliar place
I’d like to move to a warmer climate, but who am I kidding.  I’m going to be here until I die.

38. Have a one night stand
GROSS.

39. Pass your driving test
Yay, I got this!

40. Get a degree
I have two!  Extra points!

41. Rescue someone so that you’re a hero for a little while
I’m rescuing you all from boredom by doing this list!  Does that mean I’m your hero?  It doesn’t?  You’re still bored?  Oh.

42. Date someone exciting but completely wrong for you
Well, I have done this, but not since I left my youth behind.  Thankfully.  I don’t think my husband would be into this idea.

43. Get a promotion
What would a promotion BE for a stay-at-home-mom-blogger?  I mean, I have been promoted in my life, but not for the past decade or so.

44. Reach the desired career peak by age 40
I’m hoping to get my cookbook out before I turn 40, so maybe that will be it.

45. Have an all-night drinking session
I don’t think I’ve ever done this.  I’m just not a night owl.

46. Perform something on stage in front of others
When I was in high school, I played Amanda Wingfield in The Glass Menagerie and it was the pinnacle of my acting career.  I really got that Southern accent DOWN.  I also, completely inappropriately, played Shelly in Buried Child.  In high school.  Incest and infanticide – the perfect high school play.

47. Snog a stranger
Snog means kiss, right?  Then I’ve totally done this.  Unless it means “have sex with” in which case I haven’t.

48. Plan a surprise party
Hahahaha.  Surprise parties are the WORST.  The guest of honour almost always is totally humiliated by it, or is wearing sweatpants and has dirty hair, or something.  I was once at a surprise party where the guest of honour came into the house, totally bitching about his wife, who had corralled everyone into the dark living room, and…surprise!  Also – ALSO – my mom and aunts were planning a surprise party for my grandpa on the occasion of his 95th birthday.  I kept telling them that I strongly disagreed with this idea.  Surprising a 95 year old man is a terrible idea!  Yet, they still went ahead with it (and fortunately, it was a success, but STILL.)  Remember the surprise party Megan Draper threw for Don?  It almost ended their brief marriage!  Lessons to be learned.

49. Embark on adrenaline packed activities such as sky diving or bungee jumping
I am never, ever, ever going to sky dive or bungee jump, but being on an airplane with lots of turbulence on the way to Palm Springs was pretty adrenaline packed.  Especially since I was actually bouncing on my seat and thought we were all going to die.

50. Spend time with children even if they aren’t yours
Two words: BOOK FAIR.