Yesterday was my birthday, and I turned 49. My last birthday in my forties! I have really loved my forties, and I hope this last year before I can say that I’m nifty and fifty will be just as great.
I love birthdays. This isn’t news to anyone who has known me even tangentially – I love my birthday, of course, but I love everyone else’s too. I mean, it was the day you arrived on the planet (and blinking, stepped into the sun). I hope we all have THAT song running through our heads now. Mind songs aside, birthdays are a wonderful time to celebrate people for just existing; you don’t need to do anything, you just need to be here.
I get more ponderous about life than I typically do around my birthday, which is to say very ponderous indeed. Years ago, in one of my senior yoga classes, a student said something about how this aging thing is for the birds, and another countered with at least we’re on this side of the grass. I would say that not being dead is a pretty excellent part of aging; that sounds sarcastic, but just last week I heard that a very beloved and popular yoga teacher in Calgary passed away at age 52. This is just one more example in a long line of examples of people I know whose lives have been cut too short, and I for one will never not be grateful for just being here.
I was listening to a podcast the other day, and the interviewer said something that really stuck with me: When we say “I don’t feel old,” what we are saying in essence is “I don’t feel irrelevant,” or “I don’t feel invisible.” The language that we use around aging is absolutely fascinating to me, and I thought about this all week. Our culture uses very positive language around youth, and negative language around aging – “antiaging” products to obtain a “youthful” glow, for example – and I don’t want to subscribe to that. Let’s put a little pin in that for now.
Something that is very interesting to me is how we ascribe a certain look to a certain age; for example, one will frequently hear the refrain “She doesn’t look X years old” or “She doesn’t look a day over X.” But how do we know what X looks like? There are just so many variables. Let us never forget that Rue McClanahan was 51 when she played Blanche on The Golden Girls. So who is to say how old someone looks? There are no rules anymore.
A key characteristic of being young is being unaware of the beauty that is present in ourselves, merely by being young. It is a fact of life that one does not realize just how beautiful they are simply by possessing that special glow of youth; instead, we realize it much later, at some point in the future. We are just so socialized to be constantly unhappy with our physical appearance: our weight, skin, hair, clothes, and features are all subject to criticism and are a source of deep unhappiness. How many of us were satisfied with our looks at 16, 18, 22? I would say probably none. And yet, and YET we were all beautiful, in the way that the young are always beautiful, and in twenty years we will be looking at photos of ourselves as we are right now, thinking how young and beautiful we look. I mean, why wait the 20 years? Why not appreciate ourselves right this minute?
I have been having a bit of an epiphany over the past several months; I have tried to condition myself to really lean in to the physical signs of aging. After all, I’m in a different life stage, no different from when I was pregnant and was constantly fascinated by and in admiration of my own body. Now I’m just on the other side of the fecundity spectrum, and why should that not be a time of fascination and admiration? Have I started developing jowls, and do I have loose skin under my chin that can only be described as a wattle? Yes. But short of surgery, there is nothing to be done about it, so why not appreciate my kind of melting face? Sure, I’m discovering why ladies of a certain age prefer elastic-waisted pants due to my figure becoming rectangular, and sure, my neck is rivaling Nora Ephron’s, but this is my stage of life, and I am just going to lean all the way in. Look at my beautiful grey roots!
Okay, maybe I’m not leaning THAT far in. I’m still going to colour my hair. I’m still going to use my retinol creams, my products to prevent hair thinning, all my makeup. But the point is I’m on the right side of the grass, and I’m not going to waste one more moment of my wild and precious life being unhappy with my looks.
A few months ago, someone – with, I’m sure, the best of intentions – told me, very helpfully, that every Thursday at Shopper’s Drug Mart is Seniors’ Day, and I could therefore receive a 20% discount on all purchases. I am not exactly sure what my facial expression looked like, but the person quickly said not to worry, the definition of senior is someone over 55, not 65. Now listen, there is nothing stigmatizing about being over 55, but a person wants to actually BE over 55 to be assumed that they are over 55, even for those of us working on our positive language around aging. It took me a moment, but I managed to say that I was not actually eligible for this discount, and then the conversation took what can only be described as a weird and awkward turn: they started to guess my age, going backward from 54. I stopped them when they got to 51 and said I was 48, at which point they said “Oh wow, really?”
So.
Maybe that’s when my epiphany started. Because believe you me, this conversation was not at all pleasant to me at the time, but looking back on it, it’s pretty funny. It’s also interesting, circling back to stigmatizing language, and how we assign an age a person looks versus the age that they are. This is what 49 looks like!
It looks different for everybody, of course – one woman’s 49 is another woman’s 55, evidently – but I for one am celebrating another turn around the sun.
Weekly Reading
The Whispers. I could NOT put this book down. Wow, what an incredibly told, compelling story about a child who suffers an accident and his mother who feels intense guilt about that accident. There are so many twists and surprises, and an intense, gloriously satisfying ending. This book is a real statement on the incredible complexities of motherhood, about neighbourhoods and relationships. I read and enjoyed this author’s first book, The Push, but let me tell you, this book leaves that one in the dust. It is SO well done and I am obsessed with it. What a ride!
Saving Time: Discovering a Life Beyond the Clock. I’m very mixed. On the one hand, the author’s research and intelligent points about time – how it’s measured, what is a clock and where did it come from, how do we utilize our time – are impressive. On the other hand, the writing style is very thick and tedious to me. It was a drag to read, honestly, and I don’t feel like what I got out of it was worth the time it took to read this. It was a slog.
Pete and Alice In Maine. When I heard this premise, I thought “Lucy By The Sea!” But friends, this is definitely not Lucy By The Sea, even if it is a story of a couple whose marriage is in trouble who flee New York with their two young children to their summer house in Maine, in early 2020. Now. A couple of things. It is a very real portrayal of the actual things people went through – children suddenly isolated from their friends, the inability to get toilet paper, the massive fear and sudden loathing of other people who are not behaving in the same way we are. So it is very realistic, except for the dialogue, which is ridiculously unnatural. Ridiculously. Every time a character spoke, it took me out of the story. The characters are all completely unlikeable – maybe a commentary on how people were at that time, I don’t know. The social commentary is pretty heavy-handed too. The ending is ambiguous which I usually like, but in this case it just seemed abrupt and strange. All in all, not an enjoyable reading experience for me, but who knows, maybe it will work for you.
I had a really wonderful birthday; we planted the garden, with the exception of tomatoes and peppers, I had a nice morning hike with Rex, and then the guys and I went out for dinner, coming back home for an epically delicious cake afterwards. I am so lucky.
In other news, I am taking a bloggy break for a couple of weeks, and when I’m back I will have lots of adventures to share with you! I look forward to catching up with all of you then, and so for now, take care of yourselves, my beautiful friends. xo
Nicole!!!!! You make 49 look so foxy!!!!
As usual, what a thoughtful and thought-provoking post. I credit you for single-handedly shifting the way I think about aging. I say “shifting” because those societal views on age are a massive ship in a sea of sludge, and it’s very difficult to turn that bad boy around, but every time I read your perspective on aging the ship moves a little more.
Your birthday sounds so lovely. What could be better than planting a garden and eating cake?!?
I just picked up The Whispers last night (and promptly fell asleep, so I will have to start again today) and I am SO looking forward to it. The Push is one of my favorite books and I am really excited to read Audrain’s sophomore novel!
Oh Suzanne, that is so kind of you to say! I do agree it is a massive shift in thinking and not always easy – I often have to remind myself of it.
I hope you love The Whispers!
Happy birthday!
I was planning to call my grey hairs “silver,” since silver has such a prettier sound than grey. Like jewelry! Something valuable! But then the whole “paint literally everything grey, and also have grey floors” trend took over, and now I am wondering if actually grey sounds better to the modern ear? Like we match the on-trend decor? But also: my grey hairs are coming in more white than silver, enough so that “silver” sounds specifically incorrect. And there is no real jewelry term for white that does not sound like a tremendous reach (pearl, for example). Silver/grey feel interchangeable for describing hair; white/pearl absolutely do not. This is more than I thought I would be writing this morning on the subject of hair color.
This is a solid question though – because my roots at the front are pure white but they are more grey in the back – so am I pearl and silver? But no, pearl and white are not the same thing, not like grey and silver.
HAPPY BELATED, beautiful Nicole!!!! You always, always look glamorous and your attitude toward life is contagious. many, wishes of happiness from New Jersey!
Thank you so much, Daria, that is so sweet!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY NICOLE!!! Enjoy your last year in your 40s, and trust me when I say each decade gets better and better- so you have a lot to look forward to.
Great post on a really interesting topic. I’ve especially changed my thinking on giving someone a “compliment” of saying they look younger than their actual age. “Oh wow, you don’t look 80!” What is WRONG with looking 80? What does 80 actually look like? If someone does “look their age” why is that a bad thing? These are the things you think about when you’re 58, ha ha…
I also love birthdays. It’s the day you were born, yay! You’re still here, yay! What’s not to love?
I’ll put a library hold on The Whispers. I really liked The Push, and I’ve heard lots of great things about this one.
Enjoy your bloggy break! We’ll miss you (and Rex!)
Thanks Jenny! And yes – if I’m 80, I’m probably going to look 80! What does 80 look like? I mean, everyone is different so of course it’s going to look different on everybody!
I’m glad you had a nice birthday. The cake looks scrumptious.
I am having a birthday soon, too. I’ll be 57 in a few weeks.
Happy adventures!
Steph, I think you share a birthday with my mom! I hope you have an amazing cake as well (mine was SO good!)
Happy birthday! I am glad that you had a good day. I think that as we age, each number seems more and more reasonable. My brother’s girlfriend is 10 years older than him, and at 52 she is still fun and vibrant and has a smooth face. Also, I still see her in my eyes as the same as the day I met her, 18 years ago. I know it’s generally older people who say “age is just a number” but really, it is just a number! Like you said, each person at that number is not always the same.
I liked The Push and just went to put The Whispers on hold and it is available, so I borrowed it! Yay! I should be reading it in the next few weeks and will report back soon!
Oooh I hope you like it! I LOVED it.
I’m 10 years younger than my husband, and sometimes it feels like it and sometimes it doesn’t. My MIL said a similar thing to me a few years back when I said something about aging, she said “I don’t see you getting older, you look just like Nicole to me” which I think about a lot. I feel the same way about the people in my life too!
This was gorgeous. You are gorgeous. I NEEDED THIS TODAY. Body image has been rather low for me lately and I needed this reminder to celebrate the body I have! I can walk! I can talk. I AM ALIVE.
You are a delightful soul and I thank God you’re part of my life. Have the most tremendous time away, my friend. Can’t wait to hear about all your adventures when you return <3
Thank you so much my dear friend. xoxoxo
Happy, happy birthday lovely Nicole! What a lovely birthday and what a memorable message! I attended a birthday party for a friend yesterday–this friend has severe health issues and the invitation read “celebrate X’s aging.” Absolutely! How lucky to be on this side of the grass!!
I remember being blown away by the VERY LAST LINE of _The Whispers_. Much like your own last line in this post! 😁 Enjoy your bloggy break, have lots of fun, and I look forward to lots of fun updates when you’re up for it! XOXO
OMG YES THAT LAST LINE.
Thanks Maya! I’m going to have some fun on this side of the grass!
I do not know the song reference that you are referring to in the first bit and I have complicated feelings about that. I’m going to have sit with those complicated feelings for a while before I start including lyrics to deep cuts from Garth Brooks albums that were only released in Cabela’s stores.
If I ever guessed someone’s age (why would I do such a thing?!) and I did it wrong, on the next guess I would way underestimate. Like…oh, you must be just getting out of your 20s? (When my nieces and nephews have birthdays, I always go up, which they find amusing. “So you’re turning sixteen tomorrow?” to a ten-year-old is HILARIOUS and they take it as a compliment. Childhood is over when it’s no longer a compliment to go up.)
I have a friend who swears by Jenny Odell’s book How To Do Nothing, but I have not yet read it because the title turns me off. I have limited time on this side of the grass, Jenny Odell, I don’t have time to DO NOTHING. But YMMV on that.
Hahaha remember when Garth Brooks did that Chris Gaines thing? Wait, of course you do. That song I referenced is just Circle of Life from The Lion King, which somehow gets regularly stuck in my head.
I didn’t love How To Do Nothing, but it was okay. This one was a SLOG.
Happy Birthday!!! I’ll soon be joining Club 49 myself. These are fabulous years, and I can’t imagine wasting one second of them fretting about aging. The way that I look is the way that I look. Now there was a time last year when I went to a museum and I was asked if I qualified for the senior rate, which did rile me a little bit, but oh well.
Sigh, the irony of reading a book on time and not feeling that it was worth your time. That’s exactly how I felt when I read 4,000 Weeks. I DNF’d because I felt that continuing to listen to the audio book was contrary to the book’s message.
I don’t remember any weird dialog in Peter and Alice in Maine. Overall I liked the book but I did not care for the ending so I’m pretending that it ended at the second to last chapter. Still ambiguous, but not in the [thing that Alice finds out about in the last chapter] kind of way. My takeaway is that it’s time to start reading Elizabeth Strout already. I just took a pause to get My Name is Lucy Barton on Libby.
Oh I hope you like Lucy Barton! It’s one of my favourites. That woman can really write, she is really incredible.
Yay for Club 49! I thought we were in the same year! 1975 was a great year.
Lol on 4000 weeks! I liked that book but I read it right when my oldest son was graduating, so I think it hit me at the right time.
When you were writing about embracing age and I could see a photo coming up with you showing your roots . . . I thought, Is she planning to go gray? That would’ve been a real surprise. Ha.
You look amazing. You have a great outlook. Happy, happy birthday! I have been in the same boat, Here’s your senior discount. Huh? That conversation blows my mind. I don’t think you look anywhere near 50 let alone 55. What in the world?
It seems very fitting that you spent your birthday planting. Now you will remember when your garden was born. Enjoy your blog break.
Hahaha indeed that would have been a very big surprise! No, not yet anyway! Thanks Ernie!
Happy birthday! I’ve decided the antidote to angst about aging is gratitude as you have said.
It’s so true, Leneigh – thank you!
Happy happy Birthday! You are only four years older than me but way ahead of me in terms of embracing yourself. It’s inspiring, and makes me want to lean into acceptance 🙂
Oh what a sweet thing to say, Colleen, thank you!
Thanks for the book recommendation! I also enjoyed “The Push” ( although I thought the author had copied the plot from “ We need to talk about Kevin”) so will put in a hold for this one 🙂
I was first asked if I qualified for a senior discount when I was about 50. It’s happened many times since too, and needless to say does not make me feel happy! Some people are very tactless. Anyway, you always look amazing, and nowhere near “ senior” 🙂
Thanks so much Maureen!! I hope you like the Whispers!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! You look beautiful! And what an odd game to try to guess someone’s age? Geez. Come on people! I am trying to embrace my changing body. It’s hard sometimes because some things feel out of my control – but that’s just life I guess. I, too, dye my hair still. I’m kind of an older mom, or at least older for having a toddler, so I don’t want any reason for someone to wonder if I am Taco’s grandma and not his mom (this happened to my colleague’s wife who was in her early 40s when she had kids – some parents are daycare thought she was the grandma, not the mom…).
I am glad you loved The Whispers. I liked it but I liked The Push better – but I didn’t love the gossipy neighborhood stuff as much. But in contract, I liked Pete and Alice in Maine more than you did! I don’t remember the dialogue being unbelievable. I loathed the ending, though. What in the world. Like Birchie, I’m pretending the book ended a chapter sooner than it did.
Oh, I think I loved the gossipy neighbourhood stuff, and that made me love it more!
With regards to hair colour – I have some friends who have gone completely grey and they look fabulous. The problem is, when my roots come in my skin colour looks strange next to it. So maybe I don’t have the right colouring for grey? Or maybe I need to change my makeup? Anyway, I’m still going to dye my hair! Thanks Lisa!
Happy birthday! It sounds like the perfect day for celebrating you. I recently came across someone mentioning that they aren’t going to “save [thing] for a special occasion” because being alive is a special occasion, and I thought, yes! Use the good stuff. Enjoy life where you are.
Oh yes, using the good stuff!!! I used to save things all the time, now I definitely use them. Thanks C!
Happy happy birthday! I loved my 40’s! I didn’t have any of the aches and pains. Rude about the senior discount! Like WTH? Although I feel that when I told people 7 years ago that I was going to be a grandma, people commented that I didn’t look old enough. Now when I mention grandkids to someone who doesn’t already know, they never seem surprised 😡🤣
I’m all about maintaining my youth. Staying active and eating healthy, not dressing like an old person, and keeping up with the music and culture. My parents did none of those things and it did not serve them well.
Oh yes, I think it’s so important to continue to live a vibrant life and embrace it all! Thanks Bijoux!
Happy birthday, dear Nicole! I love your attitude about aging, and you are gorgeous! I think I have a good attitude about aging as well. There are so many things I love about being 55, including the senior discount! And stretchy pants! 😄 I wish you a wonderful year! I’m so glad you’re here on this earth at the same time I am.
Oh yes, and I wish you a lovely blog break and I’m looking forward to hearing about your adventures!
Don’t get me wrong – I am looking forward to the senior discount!! But not YET. Stretchy pants are also the best, I am wearing a pair right this second! Thanks Michelle!
Happy birthday, my beautiful, wonderful friend!
Thanks Gigi!
Happy happy birthday! As always, loved this post and laughed so hard at the line about your “kind of melting face” that I had to screenshot it and send it to Elisabeth, saying that you are an absolute riot. 😂😂
When I was turning 40 this fall a newer friend/swim team mom I know reacted similarly when I commented it was my 40th birthday. She was like, omg you’re not even 40 yet?!!! And then I said, um… no…I’m still 39. Why, how old do I look?!? and then she replied awkwardly, oh, um, I guess I just assumed you were my age. (I think she’s like 43-44). I was not sure what to make of that- she definitely did not say, 40 already?! I assumed 35! Hahahah. Oh well… that said, I am a TERRIBLE judge of people’s ages. Really atrocious. So I can’t be too upset, because I could see myself accidentally doing this to someone someday. Lol.
I hope you enjoy your bloggy break- fun bday trip?!
It’s funny – I had kids on the later side, so I’m at least 5 years or so older than the other people in my mom’s group. They all thought I was younger than I was – I guess because the thought I was the same age as they were, not because I looked younger or anything, but because our kid were the same age.
Oh yes! I have a friend whose youngest child is the same age as my oldest, and so often I think of her as being the same age as me, although she’s older.
Oh dear! Ahhhh! I also am a terrible judge at age so I don’t even try – I generally think “people younger than me” “people within a decade of me” and “people a lot older.” I mean, I generally have no idea unless someone tells me their age, but I usually do skew younger!
Happy, happy birthday, Nicole! I very much appreciated this – I for sure have been thinking about these and days I get to have (when others don’t get the chance) and letting go of some of this aging baggage that weighs me down. Best wishes on your adventures – looking forward to hearing about them!
Thank you Lindsay!
I hope you had a wonderful day and cheers to the last year of the 40’s! Your sentiments on aging are 👍🏻👍🏻!
Thanks so much Anna!
Happy Birthday!!!
I feel like I don’t understand “age” anymore. I’m just going to keep on living my life. Every so often, I think about how old I am, and I think, “Wow – was that 40 years of living that I just did?” It feels so improbable.
I do find it interesting to think about what makes youth supposedly more appealing/desirable/attractive. I’m sure it’s biological to some degree – but why haven’t we evolved to view an experienced but wizened face as just as appealing as the youthful glow of inexperience?
This is so interesting, Diane! Why HAVEN’T we evolved to appreciate the wisdom of age? I don’t know but I’m not sure if it will happen in my lifetime. I feel a bit the same way – like how am I almost fifty? It’s kind of incredible!
Happy birthday Nicole! I have so much thoughts about this post about aging and our attitude about it. First of all, you are BEAUTIFUL, especially through your happy kind smile face. I fully agree our socially induced, brain washed, dilemma of wanting to be happy whatever age we are, and wanting to look younger, just because youth is what is defined as beauty in the society. I’ve come along way regarding appearances and I think that’s a common path for women entering 40s. I appreciate my body in a different way than pre-kids, its power. Now done with kids, I appreciate my body for its resilience though my marathon training. It becomes my buddy for fun endeavors instead of beating it up to look how the society wants to look at. I hope through this transformation on the perception and appreciation of our body, I pass this along to my girls so they can avoid going that path. Even my mom, in her 70s, gets excited when people tell her she looks like 60s, and she tells my daughter about it. I won’t comment on my mom’s comment, but I really hope I give a different massage to my girls. To live fully, with energy and grace, no matter what age.
Oh, thank you so much, Coco. I agree – our bodies change but in a new way, and one we can appreciate. Your marathon training is absolutely inspiring! So is your attitude that you are modelling for your daughters – that’s amazing.
Ha! “…told me, very helpfully, that every Thursday at Shopper’s Drug Mart is Seniors’ Day…” I had that happen a few times, too, before I was able to not take it personally and enjoy the goodwill of the intention behind the comment. Enjoy your time away from blogland, will look forward to learning about what you’ve been up to when you return.
Girl, I love how you talk about aging and how you can always wiggle in something witty and funny so we can end on a positive note… you’re so right that it’s hard to know what “someone at age x” looks like because there’s no norm for that anymore… and I have the hardest time guessing people’s ages… and while I would NOT have thought of you as 55 or anywhere near there, that helpful lady apparently did (for whatever strange reason! How old was she? Maybe that played a role?) and just wanted to do something nice for you, so let’s appreciate it LOL
I think it’s true that if you know someone for a long time, they don’t really age… maybe because they age with your or maybe we just see them as who they are, not their age.
The important thing is: every year is a gift and yes, we should embrace it and the aging part too, because that my friend is a privilege and I know you know it! <3
Enjoy your blogging break and can't wait to hear your stories when you get back!
BTW, you look fabulous. Happy 29th again – ha! – or how did that joke go?
Wishing you the happiest of birthdays, Nicole. You brighten our Mondays! (And sometimes another day in the week for a treat!). The whole conversation of looking an age or not looking our age is so complex. We are trying to age gracefully and be healthy and accept the changes.(It’s so hard looking at those wrinkles!). Sure, we should love the age we are, but I must admit when people are surprised to hear my age or exclaim ‘oh, you don’t look 68’, I feel pretty good. How do we get past that?
Happy birthday! You are beautiful, and this was a lovely reflection
Happiest of birthdays, my dear friend. I am so grateful you are here and sharing your beautiful writing with the world! I love your thoughts on aging and as someone who is just starting to notice these changes (got some of my first gray hairs this month, in fact!), I’m trying to really embrace the magic of getting older. Why don’t we celebrate that as much as we celebrate the changes in a pregnant body?! (Well, I mean, I KNOW WHY, but we have the power to shift that narrative.) I hope you have a lovely blog break and I’m excited for your return!
This is wonderful, Nicole. A testament in remembering the joy of being here, in this moment, and not, well, not here. <3 I am not much younger than you (go, "class" of '75!) but I am much less established in life than you are. No kids, no spouse, no property, still working and plan to until… well, until. Fascinating how lives started in the same year can have such divergent paths, isn't it? I may have to reflect on this a bit more… and not fill up your comments with my blathering.
Happy birthday, Nicole. Thank you for bringing light and joy and beautiful words to the rest of us. <3