I remember so clearly the moment it all changed for me. It was December 2022. I closed a book, realizing that I had just wasted several hours of my life that I would never get back again.
The book in question took its title from one of my favourite poems by my very favourite poet; the book was called This One Wild and Precious Life. It had a beautiful cover. I had read a positive review. And that book remains, to this day, one of my most hated books ever. It was smug, pretentious, judgmental, hypocritical, and off-putting in every way. I was so angry when I read it and I was angrier still at myself. Because, even while I hated every single page, I FINISHED IT.
At that moment I made a vow. I was not going to push through and finish books just for the sake of finishing them. What a waste of time! The hours I spent reading This One Wild and Precious Life, I could have been reading an enjoyable book. I could have been rereading an enjoyable book. I could have been reading a marginal but inoffensive book. I could have been scrolling Instagram and looking at photos of people’s children in matching holiday jammies. I could have been doing any number of things and it would have been a better use of my time than reading that book. I vowed right then and there that I would abandon ship – I would DNF – when I wasn’t enjoying a book.
It’s not like I have always finished books that are unpleasant to me: I have never gotten through more than the first chapter of both The Shipping News and The Secret Garden, two books that seem like they should be right up my alley, but aren’t. I once picked up a book with a great back cover copy and a beautiful cover, and within the first chapter it was apparent that the story involved a father raping his sixteen-year-old daughter, and I literally threw the book across the room before sedately collecting it and walking it back to the library. I don’t even remember the title. I’m sure there are other books that I didn’t finish prior to December 2022, but they don’t stand out in my mind. The vast majority of the time, I would just slog through a book until it was done, and then feel kind of low about it.
Life is a journey and I am a work in progress, and so I haven’t always been great about this, but I have been trying to DNF more and more these days. After all, we are here for a good time, not a long time, and I am going to have a good time reading books that I love every day.
I have noticed that if I am more than a third of the way through a book I tend to push to the end, even if it is a slog. I will also push through if a friend highly recommended it, but I have definitely gotten more selective about whose recommendations I heed. A friend once told me that Small Game Hunting at the Local Coward Gun Club was the BEST book she had ever read, and listen, I have read any number of bleak and depressing books in my time, but this was the bleakest and most depressing. I kept reading – she said it was the best ever! – and dear lord, do I regret my choices. I kept waiting for something, anything good to happen, and no. No. I feel depressed even thinking about it.
The moral of this story is that you should understand your friends’ reading preferences before you take on their favourite books. Otherwise, you will be explaining how you disliked the book and why, which can lead to awkwardness or, in some cases, hurt feelings. The other option would be to lie about it which, in addition to being morally suspect, will only lead to more disagreeable recommendations in the future.
I don’t have a hard and fast rule for DNFing, but my general feeling is that if I am not excited, compelled, or at least mildly interested to pick up a book, it is a candidate for abandonment. There are some themes that I find too upsetting to read about ever, namely addiction and hard drug use. I am still scarred from a scene in Trainspotting, and I didn’t even read that book. I merely flipped through it at a bookstore, read a scene which I can only describe as deeply horrifying, and set it down before backing away slowly. The fastest I abandoned a book was one that I didn’t even start: it was Matthew Perry’s memoir. Why I had picked this up, I do not know, but as I casually flipped through the pages prior to beginning it, I realized that the entire thing, start to finish, was about his extreme drug addictions. I took it back to the library that very same day.
The other big DNF trigger for me is abuse: child, sexual, or domestic. This is very dependent on both the book and my mood, but in general anything gratuitous or graphic is a non-starter for me. I have read many such books and I do not think my life has been enhanced by them in any way. Well, I suppose it has given me a more compassionate outlook, in that we don’t know what a person is going through at any given time. But I still feel incredible anger when I think of Angela’s Ashes, The Glass Castle, and Educated. I want to go back in time and NOT read them.
At the dinner table, my younger son was telling me about football star Ray Lewis’ teenage workout routine. Lewis would draw from a deck of cards and do the number of pushups associated with that card – face cards were assigned 10, 15, and 20 – and he would go through the entire deck in one workout. Wow! I said conversationally. I wonder what made him come up with that! My son looked at me. His dad used to beat up his mom, and he wanted to be strong enough to prevent it ever happening again. I started to cry while my son hastened to reassure me that Lewis bought his mom a house with his first big NFL paycheque, and that she was safe, and friends, life is just so heartbreaking at times. There are so many unspeakably sad things happening every minute all over the world. I am at a point in my life where I don’t want to read things that are also unspeakably sad.
But also, I don’t want to read things that are unspeakably boring. There are so many books out there, and so many great books to reread. Not to be grim, but if I died tomorrow, would I have wanted to spend today reading a book that I should have abandoned? I mean, hopefully I WON’T die tomorrow, but carpe diem all the same.
Weekly Reading
I know what you’re going to say, and I will swoop in to admit that yes, there is a good deal of abuse and trauma in Elizabeth Strout’s books, but they are still amongst my favourites. The abuse and trauma are all part of the backstory, and are delicately alluded to; the books themselves are heartbreaking but also so hopeful and joyful, and belong to my favourite category of books, those that delve into the extraordinary details of ordinary life. Also, I got a ton of reading done this week as my husband was on a backcountry hiking and camping trip with my older son, and my younger son was working and dogsitting. It was just me and Rex, happily reading for hours each day.
Oh William! This is the third book in the Lucy Barton series, and it involves Lucy’s relationship with William, her ex-husband. William makes a huge discovery through an ancestry subscription he receives as a gift, and his life is never the same. For the record, I NEVER want to do one of those ancestry things! For so many reasons, but mostly, I DON’T WANT TO KNOW THINGS. Anyway, this book is excellent and, like all Strout’s books, I love it.
Lucy By The Sea. The fourth in the Lucy Barton series, and kind of the last – this one takes place during the first year of the pandemic, and whoa nelly, hold onto your hats because it is a very realistic picture of that very weird time. It seems like a fever dream now. I do really like this book but maybe not quite as much as the rest of the series, because it reminds me of not seeing or hugging people for so long, having schools closed, etc. But it is still a beautifully-written book which gave me much to think about, even with that awful lockdown year six years in the rearview mirror. Remember watching “the numbers?” God.
Tell Me Everything. This takes place after Lucy By The Sea, so it’s kind of, but not really part of the series. The first time I read this book, I was just overwhelmed with the happy feeling that it was a love letter to Strout fans. All of the characters for all her books – up to that point – were featured, and it is a beautiful story of connection and love. What hit me on the reread was the poignancy of an emotional affair-that-isn’t-really-an-affair. The book centres around a friendship that is ALMOST, but not quite, more than a friendship. It is also a quiet book about people, the life they lead, and how we all crave real connections. I love this book very much.
To Kill A Mockingbird. Does it get any better than this beautiful story of humanity and community, of people trying to make change in a rigid and racist society? I love it so much. I am a person who rarely, rarely cries while reading, but the penultimate chapter brings a lump to my throat every single time I read it. This book contains two of my favourite lines ever written: “…I thought Jem and I would get grown but there wasn’t much else for us to learn, except maybe algebra,” and “I said I would like it very much, which was a lie, but one must lie under certain circumstances and at all times when one can’t do anything about them.”
And with that, Reread Fortnight has ended! My library holds are starting to come in and I have my dear friend Maya’s book to read as well (HI MAYA). We had rain this weekend, actual rain, for the first time in months. The air feels clear and fresh, the garden and farm market are full of deliciousness, and I baked a cake yesterday. Life is good. xo
Since I purchase books on my Kindle, I have a hard time abandoning books. That means I really scrutinize them before I hit the purchase button! But, there is always a sample available to read before you purchase, but that doesn’t always mean I will enjoy the rest of the book. Thank goodness I have only DNF’d a couple over a couple of years!
Oh yes, buying a book makes it so much harder to DNF! I bought – the hardcover no less! – the recent biography of Judy Blume and it was AWFUL. How that man made Judy Blume’s life so boring is a mystery, but wow do I regret the $$$ I spent on that! And I regret reading it!
Before I forget- in your last post you mentioned three favorite first lines of books. I know the first two, but what book is “Christmas won’t be Christmas without any presents” from???
Okay, on to today’s topic. I rarely DNF books! I don’t think I’ve ever written about it on the blog, but I’ve mentioned it in so many blog comment sections that I feel like I’m repeating myself. Years and years ago I read Middlemarch. For about the first half it was so boring and I hated it. But I kept plugging along, it got better and better, and on the last page I was so moved that I cried. So I always have a hope that a book will get better. The things that would make me really want to DNF are things I would probably know about before I even start a book- bad writing, descriptions of child or animal abuse… and in that case the book would be a DNS (did not start). I’ve read a few books lately that were kind of “meh” but nothing that I really regretted finishing. I guess if a book is good enough for me to start, I have enough curiosity to see it through to the end.
The Christmas quote is from Little Women!
“Christmas won’t be Christmas without any presents” is from Little Women.
I do remember you telling me about Middlemarch! I also read it and I liked it, but in a kind of marginal way. It could have been a third of the length in my opinion, but yes, the end was great!
I have the exact same To Kill A Mockingbird edition! Also, I HATED (and also believe I might have pushed through to the end of): This One Wild and Precious Life. HATED IT.
Like you, I used to resist DNF’ing. Sometimes I fall prey to it for various reasons, but I am 1000% better about it than I used to and would say I DNF 5ish books A MONTH. Some of that is I order in a lot of books and see what ones stick. Some books I know will be a DNF right away. Those are kind of my favourite because there is no sunk cost. Like you, I hate, hate, hate reading graphic descriptions of abuse. Though, if it is a memoir, I also feel like it is very important for the people (let’s keep it real—most often women) are tremendously brave for sharing their experience. But fictionalized, graphic abuse is a no go for me. Ditto gaslighting. I can’t remember the name of the book Birchie loved about the crow (was that it?) and the manipulative ex, but while it was well written, I HAD to DNF it. It was so traumatizing to me.
The most recent book I DNF’d was fabulously written—Land by Maggie O’Farrell—but it was so depressing I just had to stop about half way through. I wasn’t enjoying myself. I felt like I *should* keep reading it, but then shook myself by the proverbial shoulders and decided to move on.
I also think I might DNF Deafening Frances Itani. It started strong, but it feels like a slog right now, so I think I should just let it go.
Nesting! I also read that and wow, that was so upsetting. Also, I was really annoyed with the crow side story. I did push through but I don’t think it added anything to my life necessarily.
I am SO glad you had the same reaction to This One Wild and Precious Life. I was so mad. It was just awful. But I am MORE mad at myself for finishing it! Ah well, life is a journey, full of lessons, and that was a big one for me: JUST DNF ALREADY!
I still remember my lightbulb moment from years ago, when I was reading a long-forgotten book and saw a plot twist coming that annoyed me so much, I didn’t even want to read it … and I realized I could just close the book and go no further. I am quick to DNF these days, and if I’m on the fence about doing it, will close the book and see if I think of it again and want to read more. If not, nope, moving on. There are so many books, not all of them are for me, and that’s fine.
I’m kind of the opposite of Jenny’s mindset above: I feel like what if I push to finish the book and hate it? I wish I had never finished My Sister’s Keeper, then ending made me so mad!
Hahaha that is a solid point! What if you get to the end and it’s all for naught!
It actually feels great and freeing when you DNF – it’s like when you’re in the middle of a bad dream and your dream self says “just wake up.”
I’m getting better at DNF these days, but I used to push through books because I felt I owed it to the author. I actually really enjoyed Angela’s Ashes, The Glass Castle, and Educated. With memoirs, sometimes I’ll give more grace to finishing them, because they’re personal stories. Part of me feels that by reading people’s tough stories, we are witnessing their suffering. It’s the same reason I will watch heartbreaking news on TV even though I don’t want to.
I understand your POV but I feel like I just can’t sometimes. My thoughts about “owing it to the author” is that there are so many readers out there, if it’s not for me then SOMEONE will love it. I mean, I hope!
I adore Elizabeth Strout, and was so happy to find Oh William at a LFL recently! I listened to the book (the narrator was EXCELLENT) but was so happy to have a copy of my own. I don’t have enough book space for ALL of Strout’s books, but I definitely do for all of her Lucy Barton books. Now I only need Lucy by the Sea.
I really dislike the beginning of Secret Garden, but it gets good after that. Not good enough to try again for you, I think, since you have tried and dislike it so much, but that was my experience. Like Jenny, I have had several books that I just didn’t like going in, and found completely worthwhile by the time I get to the end. And at the same time, I am all for DNF, and am trying to incorporate this motto into my life more also.
I have 3 audiobooks out from the library right now! THIS IS STRESSING ME OUT. I only want 1 at a time. OK, I lied, it’s not stressing me out, or I would have postponed one. I’m pretty sure I can be strategic and get through them all in time, I think they’re all quick listens. I don’t think I’ll be doing any podcasts though.
I’m horrible at reading non-fiction. Horrible. I have a couple of books that I really want to read (including Maya’s!) and I feel like I need to assign myself a chapter a day/week or something, or it will just NOT happen. Oh goodness, I also have a book that my husband gifted me that I TRIED and could NOT get into. If it were not a hard back book that he had given me, I would totally DNF, but I feel obligated somehow. That’s me, not him.
I go through waves when it comes to non-fiction, sometimes I find it really edifying and other times not. I have started Maya’s book and it’s like I can hear her voice while I read it, which is wonderful.
When we lived in Scotland we met a lovely older couple who treated us so kindly. She gave me a copy of Far from the Madding Crowd and inscribed it in her old-fashioned handwriting: to Jamie, a small memento of your time in Scotland. I felt obligated to read it, but I am not a Thomas Hardy fan. I was not a Hardy fan going in; I was not a Hardy fan coming out. I frog-marched myself through that book with grim determination, because it was a gift from my lovely friend Auriol, and much to my surprise it came together in the last 40 pages or so. I am still glad I read it.
I also frog-marched myself through Middlemarch on the strength of a friend’s recommendation. “You will absolutely love Middlemarch,” she told me, and she has excellent taste in books. I did NOT love Middlemarch. I still want to punch Casaubon in the head when I think about Middlemarch!
Maybe I am more willing to slog through classics (whatever that label might mean). I just returned a stack of books to the library unread, and checked out another one that I am also not going to finish.
HAHAHAHA Jamie! I am laughing at your paragraph about Middlemarch!!!
I’ve read The Mayor of Casterbridge, Jude the Obscure, and Tess of the D’urbervilles, and I kind of feel like that’s enough Hardy? Or is it? Should I read Far From the Madding Crowd, knowing what you know about me? It seems like it is more woman centred (although I think Hardy kind of hated women, or that’s the impression I got)
I feel like we are sitting at your table, drinking coffee this morning, and talking books! Love this post. I am the Queen of DNF. I will give a book one or two chapters and then decide. My latest DNF was last week. I barely survived 10 pages of Yesteryear before I gave it a big NOPE and moved on. And I hear you on the regret . . . I still feel traumatized by the book I read not that long ago about human blood drinking by sorority sisters. It didn’t make that revelation until 3/4 of the way through. I should have just DNF at that point. So disturbing.
My trigger books are anything involving bouts of cancer or dementia/Alzheimer’s. My husband and I have dealt too much with that in our own families, and I just don’t want to read about anyone else’s journeys because I don’t want to read books that just make me cry and bring back bad memories. I hear you on the drug use and I will add excessive use of the f-bomb turns me off. Wild by Cheryl Strayed was a quick DNF for me.
And some books are just too much of a snore – The Secret Garden would be one of those for me. I once had a friend tell me that Confederacy of Dunces was hilarious. I tried, I really tried, and it was boring and stupid to me.
I could go on and on, Nicole! Thanks for a fun topic this Monday morning!
GOOD GRIEF DRINKING BLOOD. No thank you!!!
Swearing doesn’t bother me at all but heavy drug use does, so I have never even contemplated Wild! I totally understand re: cancer and dementia, I can see how that would be a huge trigger!
I agree, life is too short not to DNF! I don’t like graphic descriptions of if drug abuse, domestic violence and page after many sexual scenes. There are so many books these days that look like cute rom coms and then – wow – no leaving anything to the imagination! 🤣 However the three memoirs your mentioned all had a profound effect on me for various reasons, and I admire the authors for all the adversity they were able to overcome. They are however, pretty upsetting to read, for sure. Also, I remember that version of To Kill a Mockingbird!
OMG Anna – I hear you. I don’t need 15 pages of sex scene. I don’t even really need one page. I have enough of an imagination to fill things in!
I do admire the authors for coming through what they did, but wow, I did not like reading those books and they upset me to this day if I think about it too much (the water-filled baby bottles in Angela’s Ashes, the kids rooting through the garbage for something to eat…it’s too much!)
I don’t have any particular criteria for DNFing a book and unless it’s a book club book – we just read Milkman by Anna Burns and all agreed it wasn’t for us but we all felt obligated to complete it – have no problem not finishing it.
Years ago I DNFed The Shipping News and Beloved, revisited them later and ended up really enjoying them. I guess my DNF criteria depends on my mood. I do not like to read the same type of book back-to-back. I have read Angela’s Ashes, The Glass Castle and Educated but would not have read them one after the after. I remember I gave up on The Shipping News because I had just finished Angela’s Ashes and I was so angry with the father from that book that I was immediately frustrated with the main male character of The Shipping News and thought I just couldn’t read a book with another deadbeat guy. When a coworker said it was her favourite book I thought I would give it another try. He didn’t approve on the later read but I’d had enough time between the books that I was more open to the story and glad I read it.
I am picking up Elizabeth Strout’s The Things We Never Say later this morning from the library and have Anything Is Possible on hold. Somehow I missed a few of her earlier books and want to catch up on them all. I agree with you that she has a beautiful way of “delve(ing) into the extraordinary details of ordinary life”
Oh I can totally see your reaction about the Shipping News! I AM STILL ANGRY WITH THE FATHER FROM ANGELA’S ASHES. To this DAY I get really mad just thinking about it. That cannot be healthy!
Isn’t it interesting how a book can hit you so differently based on where you are in life? Or from new experiences? I always have loved the book The Stone Angel, but rereading it 20 years after the first time I read it was eye-opening. I found I really had different perspective. I still loved it, but differently.
Say it with me people: you do not need a reason to DNF a book. It’s OK, really it is. The longer you stay with the dud, the less time you have for the good stuff. And in your case it means that you have less time to write the good stuff, so it’s extra important for you to DNF.
Let there be cake! Yum!
THANK YOU BIRCHIE!!! It’s so true, we only have so much time! Let’s not waste it by NOT DNFing!
Gorgeous cake, before I forget! I can only think of one DNF book I’ve ever read and I felt so guilty about it because everyone loved it. I even love the author — “Pillars of the Earth.” What’s not to like? England. Cathedral building. But people I just did not like. I got about 500 pages in and decided life was too short. (Which was also why I walked out of the Odyssey, but that’s another story.) I may have another DNF soon — it’s “on indefinite hold” — called “Perfume,” which has beautiful writing and is interesting and yet I just am not bonding with it. (Rick gave it to me for Christmas and keeps asking about it, so it may be a chapter or two at a time over the next eight months; I’m half through.)
Mostly, I know the books I’m going to like and those are the ones I get. It was harder in book club but often good things came from it. (If it hadn’t been for book club, I wouldn’t have finished The Goldfinch, which was 250 pages too long. Otherwise, fine. I put my speed reading techniques into practice!). But what you said here: “The moral of this story is that you should understand your friends’ reading preferences before you take on their favourite books.” SPOT ON!!!
Oh, the Goldfinch. I finished that chonker too and I regret the time I spent on it. I don’t even REMEMBER the plot now, I just remember how much I didn’t enjoy it.
I have become a DNF’r in the last 5 years or so? I used to be a completist but it was to the detriment of my reading. I used to never DNF a book club book but I changed my mind about that about a year ago. Sometimes my DNFs are more like ‘sampling’ – I can sometimes tell very early on that the writing style or subject matter is not for me. I am grateful to friends, like you, who let me know when a book is NSFL.
Oof those ancestry kits! I just read ‘Daughters of the Bamboo Grove’ which is a non-fiction book about the international adoptions that occured during China’s one child policy era. I had no idea that children were stolen or abducted from their parents and that it was essentially human trafficking. Many adoptees are finding their birth families through DNA kits. But I know those kits can unearth a lot of problems… I will message you about something related to that topic!
Oooh should I read that book? Maybe I’ll go look it up right now. It sounds interesting!
I really loved this post. I think there’s something so freeing about realizing we don’t have to finish everything we start just because we started it. We’re allowed to decide something isn’t for us anymore, and that includes books. I especially loved your point about being more intentional about what we choose to put into our heads. There’s already enough heaviness in the world without feeling obligated to add more of it to our free time. I’m definitely getting better at giving myself permission to walk away from things that no longer serve me. ❤️
Kari, yes! We ARE allowed to decide something is not right for us, and no guilt!
” I want to go back in time and NOT read them.” YES!! I have a few of those on my list that I should not have pushed through…life is too short for books we don’t care for.
Your quiet time of solitude sounds so lovely.
Ok, I’ve not read one Elizabeth Strout book, and you have my interest piqued. I’m going to add the Lucy Series to my TBR list. Hopefully our interests will be in sync (again) with her books.
I hope so too Suz, but if not…just DNF! Lol!
I am an unapologetic DNFer. Not every book is right for every person, and not every book is right for every period in time, and a DNF today does not mean that I will never ever return to it, or that the book is a failure, unless, of course, it does mean those things. You know what book I wish I never read? House of God. I will never get that time back, Nicole. NEVER. I am quite bitter about that. What a (for me; I recognize many people love it) boring offensive stupid poorly written shitty book.
I still have yet to read anything by Strout. I am almost afraid to at this point. What if it doesn’t work for me? I would feel like such a disappointment of a reader, I think. But I assume that either I will eventually give in to the pull or finally come to terms with not having read her.
House of God – I have never even heard of this. I think I’ll keep it that way!
Oh good grief I just looked it up, big old nope from over here!
I will DNF quite easily and without remorse. I’ve also been known to skip right to the ending and look up spoilers online. I’m not offended if someone doesn’t like I book that I liked. It can make for interesting discussions. But I do worry about offending someone who loved a book that I didn’t. I know the feelings about books can be very personal. By the way, I love your reading glasses! I enjoy seeing Rex in the background of so many photos. Your cake looks amazing!
Michelle, I don’t look up spoilers for books but I DO for movies or TV shows. Sometimes the tension is just too much for me!
And wow, do I know what you mean about not wanting to offend people. Tastes are so personal and yet we can really be precious about our favourite books. Just recently I DNF’d one that Stephany loved and I told her about it, and she was SO gracious and lovely. It reminded me to be gracious and generous when people don’t like books I like! We are all different! There are so many books out there, something that is for me might not be for someone else!
I’ll see an intriguing suspense novel on Goodreads or whatever and rather than putting myself through the mental torture of reading it (I’m easily creeped out), I just look up the plot on Wikipedia or wherever I can find it. Curiosity satisfied. 😂
I would like to read an Elizabeth Strout. I will add the first Lucy Barton book to my list, if I can discover which it is.
It’s funny that we agree on many books and also disagree on many books. I loved both Educated and The Glass Castle (which is the book that pulled me back into a regular reading habit in my twenties after several years of not really reading at all). A DNF trigger for me is graphic sex scenes, esp if they’re super, well, gross (to me). Looking at you, Long Island Compromise.
I keep thinking of more to say, sorry. I’ve heard a formula for deciding to continue with a book or not, which is 100 pages minus your age. The theory being that as you age, you have less time to waste on books you don’t or might not like.
Oh, I DNF like crazy. Life is too short for wasting time on not great books.
I’m trying The Shipping News again. I am bound and determined.
And, I know you didn’t ask for it, but The Secret Garden is so good. Mary grows so much as a character. I get why you think you don’t want to spend time with Mary in that first chapter when she’s just an entitled brat, but it does get better. But now here I am defending one of my favorites. FEEL FREE TO IGNORE THIS PARAGRAPH.
I used to ALWAYS finish books, often hoping that there was something in the end that would redeem it…sometimes there was, but most of the time, there wasn’t. I am now firmly in the DNF camp. Life is too short to waste it on sub-par books.