With all the myriad changes going on in my life right now, I told a friend that I feel like I am having a Brazilian bikini wax, but the entire procedure is just one giant strip instead of many tiny, gentler strips. With everything happening all at once, I am doing my best to cope and to stay in the moment, while still soothing myself by thinking there will be a time after this.
My friend Allison (HI ALLISON) used that term many, many years ago to refer to chaperoning a field trip, and I have thought of it hundreds of thousands of times since then. This week was so busy and stressful, but ultimately very productive. The moving company is packing the majority of our house; for the extra amount of money added on to the expense of a long-haul move, it seemed very worth it. However, being in a house for twenty-three years means that we have accumulated things we really do not need or want anymore, and although I have been steadily clearing things out for the last few months, this week I really got into the weeds, so to speak. I tackled the crawl space.
Several years ago I really got into the crawl space and got rid of many things we no longer needed, but there was a stack of boxes in there that had not been touched since we had moved in twenty-three years ago. I refuse to just move boxes to put them in storage, so I ruthlessly went through each one, and although I am not wishing such a task on anyone, it was actually pretty fun. I found so many treasures! I also found a lot of junk and questionable items – did I really need to keep a giant box full of RSVP’s from our wedding? – but I was able to recycle most of it, donate some of it, and the rest was, sadly, relegated to the trash. It made me feel a little sad, especially after reading Unraveling last week, but there wasn’t another option for some of the completely unusable items. I mean, I guess there was the option of putting them back into boxes and then putting them into storage in the new house, since that seems to have been our line of thinking twenty-three years ago, but that felt like a slippery slope that would get me right back where I started from. Also, upon the event of my own demise, may that be many decades in the future, I do not want to leave my children with boxes full of useless junk, any more than I already will be.
The bane of my recent existence has been old text books. Between my husband and I, we have four degrees and probably thousands of dollars’ worth of old, now worthless textbooks. A few months ago I looked with horror at my shelves and shelves of textbooks that were not eligible for donation; no one wants outdated economics, econometrics, or statistics textbooks, despite the fact that not much really changes in those areas from year to year. The only thing to do was to recycle them by ripping out all the pages and throwing the bindings and covers into the trash. It was a big undertaking, so imagine my despair when I discovered in the crawl space an entire box full of my husband’s old textbooks that somehow did not make it onto our bookshelves. I set my younger son on the job of recycling them, along with myriad term papers and, strangely enough, a pile of papers from our wedding that included every single song the DJ had in his possession and every menu item the venue had to offer.
These, along with piles of cassette tapes – including mix tapes! – were a drag to deal with, but then I found some wonderful treasures, some of which I am keeping forever, and some of which just made me laugh. As a small backstory, I was six years old when Diana and Charles got married, and their engagement set off my lifelong obsession with the Queen of Hearts. I was not a child for whom it was difficult for relatives to think of Christmas gifts; anything and everything Princess Di was received with great enthusiasm. Soon my obsession included all women in the British Royal Family, including the Queen, with whom I share a birthday. My grandma had saved a lot of clippings and memorabilia from the Queen’s coronation and passed it along to me.
What fabulous treasures! Also, this candy box!
This is less awesome but it made me laugh and shudder at the same time.
I am keeping this forever:
In addition to “things I will keep forever” I found some postcards from friends circa 1989, including one that said “I hate it here and I hate everyone here and I want to come home” which, if that’s not teen angst I do not know what is. Much less angsty was a postcard from my sweet friend Elise (HI ELISE) from the bustling metropolis of Lethbridge:
I don’t know what is funnier, that I have kept this all these years or that I had it at all.
The big day, for me and Rex at least, is one week TOMORROW. I can hardly believe it! I am actually looking forward to the unpacking-and-finding-homes-for-everything part, as opposed to the depressing why do we have so much stuff and are we actually swamp people part that I seem to be going through now. I am, as you all know, a person who thrives on neatness and organization and whoa, does my life feel like the opposite of that right now. Well, again, let’s repeat the mantra: there will be a time after this. And in the meantime, I am going to try to enjoy my last few days in the city that has been my heart and home for so many years.
Weekly Reading
Property. The best thing about this book, which concerns a woman married to an unsuccessful sugar plantation owner in the antebellum south, is that it’s short. The story is dull and every character is unlikeable at best, deplorable at worst.
Swipe Up For More! Oh wow, this book was absolutely fascinating to me! I think the entire influencer industry is so interesting: how it developed, how important it is to brands, and how many women have made so much money in it. This book mainly follows three big influencers, two of whom I have never heard of before: a momfluencer, a fashion influencer, and a unique and important fitfluencer. I’ve been thinking about this subject a lot lately since the Food Heaven women posted their Burnout and Pivot series; being an influencer might just look like taking photos and videos, but it is a lot of work to be successful. Some of these women work upwards of 80 hours a week, and the work is just never done. Their whole life is on display for work, which is a really odd concept. Even odder – and ickier – is the world of the momfluencer, because it is her life as a mom and her own kids who are being used by brands for money. It brings up all sorts of ethical dilemmas: can your children be used in campaigns? What if you put the money away for them for their education, then is it okay? At what point do children have agency over their own lives and decisions? Is a sponsored trip to Disney a vacation or just more grind? The momfluencer in question has since – given that her older children have rebelled against posing for yet another photo or acting in yet another reel – slowed down her own work and campaigns, and wonders if her life as an influencer has deep and negative effects on her children (probably, the answer is yes). It’s an interesting thing to consider. I thought about this a lot when I was writing for YMC: a lot of my colleagues wrote about things like potty training and discipline, complete with photos, and even at the time it felt wrong for me to write about the kids in that way. For me personally, my kids are blog-adjacent but I don’t divulge much of their lives here because it’s their lives. I should note though that my kids actually enjoy when, say, a former yoga student of mine recognizes them “in the wild” from my Facebook posts, but I can imagine if I had a far-reaching platform in which they played a significant role, they might feel a lot different. Anyway, this was such a good read and really thought-provoking.
The Long Goodbye. This was an absolutely gorgeous memoir about a woman losing her mother, and the grieving process that followed. And I will say that I was 100% NOT in the right headspace to read about her mother dying at age 55 of metastatic colorectal cancer, so I cannot say I enjoyed it, but I appreciated the beauty and tenderness of the writing.
All right, friends, I am in the home stretch now. Back in the aforementioned grad school, another woman and I had the Rosie the Riveter poster in our office as a reminder that We Can Do It, and I have that Rosie the Riveter photo in my mind constantly these days. I feel like her, mascara, lipgloss and all. xo
Oh my goodness, you really found some treasures! I am super impressed that you divested the crawl space of its 23-year-old cache… I feel like at that point I might have just given up. You are a strong and determined woman, Nicole!!
Holding you all in my heart as you finish packing and embark on this big transition!
Thanks Suzanne, and I’ll be thinking of YOU in your journey!!
I enjoyed reading about all the treasures you found in the crawl space. What fun photos too. And photos are a great way to keep memories without having to keep the actual item. Well, except for certain things. I don’t know if I could give up that pretty candy box! Or the framed adoption certificate! I wish you good luck with all your sorting and packing and moving, Nicole!
I kept the candy box and the adoption certificate! Some things just cannot be purged! Thanks Michelle!
Such sweet nostalgic treasures! Are you not keeping at any mix tapes?
Sending good vibes and best wishes for the final stretch of packing, Nicole… you’ll be in your new home very soon and nesting is so much nicer than packing. You can do it! There will be a time after this time!
Textbooks are a bit of a scam, aren’t they? I mean, things do not change radically, but publishers make them outdated so they can sell more. I try to give my students online materials as much as possible…
You might find this segment about mom-influencers interesting: https://www.npr.org/transcripts/1186674958
Oooh thanks, I’ll give that a read. I did not keep any mix tapes! I know! But I have nothing to play them on and just knowing they existed was enough for me.
Moving is exciting hell. That is all.
Exciting hell is the perfect description! Miss you. xo
YES! Elvis needs to go above your bed. That is all.
Good luck on the home stretch! I’ll bet that Rex is very excited.
OR MAYBE ON THE CEILING
Love your treasures. Moving is SO HARD, and your time after this mantra is a really good one.
Thanks Sarah!
If it had been me and there were unopened boxes from more than 20 years ago, I would have immediately thrown the boxes still unopened into the trash. I am cool like that. (I actually did this when we moved the last time. I had moved a box labeled “things from NGS’s desk” and when we moved six years later, I had not once opened that box. I didn’t open it – just tossed it into the dumpster.)
ANYWAY. I’m am so excited for you and your move. It will be done so SOON!
Also, I’m here in your comments to defend Property. I thought it was an interesting look at how those people got to be so terrible. I also thought the writing was beautiful.
I’m happy for you that you liked Property, even if it was a no from me. I was tempted to just throw the boxes away but I’m glad I didn’t, because a lot of the treasures in there were great for donation – china figurines, for example – and although I let go of 80% of the stuff, the 20% was pure joy.
You know how I love “there will be a time after this quote.” I also saw you comment on Jenny’s blog about listening to whispers so they don’t become screams. NICOLE! You are the official legend of quotes.
Moving is tough, but I also think it’s fun to find new homes for things. Sometimes the only way through is through and you’re nearly to the finish line. Bittersweet, I’m sure – but you tend to seize the day and I bet you’ll just LOVE Kelowna.
I wonder about the kids/blog thing. When I started writing, I had an audience of zero. For months. And I didn’t really think much about what would happen if someone other than my husband started reading. I try to be diplomatic in what/how I post, but these are definitely things I’m pondering. I followed a few bloggers who used to post pictures of their kids and use their names, and then stopped as they got older (they heart out their faces and just refer to them as a daughter or son). Mothering is so central to what I write about, I’ve just always felt like it was natural to include them in that…but they don’t get to control the narrative. Is that fair? Hmmm…
I definitely wrote more about my kids when they were younger, but not in a super-detailed way. When they started junior high, I stopped referring to them by name and I definitely wrote more about my experiences as a mother, rather than their lives. It’s a tricky balance for sure. I do post photos of them on IG – they approve the photos and have their own accounts – and also FB, and I have had people recognize them from those posts (like, former students, friends, etc.) They like this but I feel like writing about any personal details – and details about my husband – is really off-limits for me. It’s a tricky line and we all are different in this way! I think it depends on the kid.
I just read O’Rourke’s other memoir – Invisible Kingdom – which I had mixed feelings about… She references this other memoir so I will check it out when I’m in the right headspace. Yeesh 55 is so dang young.
I love a good purge and that is the best part about moving. I’m trying to wrap my mind around living in one place for 20+ years, though! I don’t think we’ll be in our current house for 20+ years… my husband hates that we are on a hill and you can’t change that! But we had such a hard time finding a home that met our (reasonable) list of “must haves” so we had to accept the less desireable lot. But wow things can accumulate over 20 years, can’t they? My parents moved out of my childhood home a couple of years ago and gave us boxes of stuff that we had in the basement. It was fun to go through old photos and memorabilia but I threw it all away! It was stuff from HS, though, which is not a period of my life that I am fond of… But anyways, good for you for going through this stuff v transporting it to the next hour. I haven’t read the book yet, but heard about a book called “the swedish death cleaning” and it’s basically about going through our stuff as a gift to our children so they don’t have to make these fraught decisions. That’s one of the reason I ended up donating my wedding dress to a company that makes burial garments for babies out of wedding gowns (horribly sad, but they are provided to hospitals for parents of stillborns, infant deaths, etc). My mom has her mom’s wedding dress and I think she does not know what to do with it! I did not want my kids to wonder the same and I am never going to wear it again. So as much as I loved the dress, I felt like having it repurposed was the best option.
I have read Swedish Death Cleaning, and I think that and Marie Kondo really helped put me in a good mind space for this purge. I got rid of so many things, it reminded me of that poem by Mary Oliver. I have often thought of just donating my own wedding dress – what do I need it for anyway? – and I had not heard of that kind of use for it. I wonder if there is anything like that here!
Oh, wow, you really are close to the finish line.
Beth and I have been talking about trying to get our messy, crowded house (where we’ve lived 21 years) a little more organized when we’re empty nesters. Now I’m wondering if something more ambitious is called for, because whether through a move or death, we will be leaving our house eventually.
SO CLOSE, STEPH!
I feel really great about freeing so many objects that were in my house – and a lot were precious to me as a child, but aren’t now, and I have no one who would be suitable to pass them along to. So I am thinking in a very Marie Kondo way about someone finding them at the thrift shop and being thrilled. I hope this happens.
Swipe up for More sounds fascinating. I consider being an influencer one of those careers that I would be terribly unsuited for and find just awful similar to those folks who wash the windows incredibly high up on tall buildings or litigation. Because of my job I’ve never been on any SM but twitter where I do not post pics of humans, refer to anyone in my family by name, or really discuss anything personal, the thought of putting all of that out there all the time makes me feel sweaty and tense. In other words this book seems like a good way to look at the life of some people I’m absolutely nothing like.
You are in the move home stretch! You’ve got this! In a few weeks it will all be behind you and you will be so relaxed!
I think the biggest thing about influencing – rather than just having a blog, I guess – is it is their actual job and livelihood, and the job is to monetize their lives. Which is a bit strange, and feels kind of gross when kids are involved.
“There will be a time after this.” I like that. Moving is a huge life change, so treat yourself with kindness, which I know you are. I’m looking forward to seeing the unpacking and installation stage. That is, definitely, a far better stage. You got this. 🖤
Thanks Kari – I made a big batch of cupcakes this weekend, which was fun to have around!
“I am actually looking forward to the unpacking-and-finding-homes-for-everything part…” Truly, that is the only relatively easy task of moving. And you will be there in just a few days!!
Oh Nicole, you found some treasures hidden away in that crawl space. And I loved that you shared them with us.
Thanks Gigi!
Love the “There will be a time after this” mantra. Sometimes hard to remember when you’re in the thick of it, but so true…and having distilled those crawl-space boxes down to the pure treasure, it will be a lighter, easier time too! I sometimes think of events like this as being like a big wave coming towards me. I know I might end up getting tossed around a bit, or even find myself underwater for awhile, but eventually I’ll come to the surface and the wave will have passed. At the rate you’re going it seems like you might just whip out a surfboard and ride this wave in style! Wishing you lots of luck and safe travels in the coming days!
A surfboard! I like that idea! I do feel like I’m being tossed around – but the finish line is coming up! Thanks Amelia!
Soon! So soon, you’ll be watching the sunrise and having coffee in your new home.
When we moved about 7 years ago, we also discarded all the textbooks. And, I had a bin of letters and yearbooks from jr high and high school, etc. I gave them all one last read/flip through and got rid of them all.
One question, though…what happened to Kora Candi? 🙂
Good luck in this last week. xx
I still have Kora Candi! I will have to post a photo of her!
The influencer book sounds very interesting. I’ll never forget when one of my high school friends told me that her daughter decided not to go to college (graduated high school in 2013) because she wanted to do photography and become a social media influencer. I was like, WHAT’S THAT? I checked out her Instagram page at the time and she had a huge amount of followers. Ten years later, she’s still doing it and seems to travel all around the world. I still don’t fully get it. LOL!
Good luck with all of the cleaning out, etc. My parents were hoarders, so it’s taught me to be a minimalist. Some day I will do a post on all the ‘treasures’ I’ve found in their basement.
Oooh dying to know who she is??? I am fascinated by the whole thing!
She’s not famous or anything, but does have 74.3K followers, which seems like a lot to me. Samlandreth is her Instagram name.
Ooh that influencer book sounds fascinating. I am very perplexed by that whole world. The fitness program I follow currently is put together by a fitness “influencer”, I suppose, who did not go to traditional college (though she got her personal trainer certificates etc, but not regular college degrees or anything). She has a very large following now and does put out nice products, which is why I pay for it, but part of me always feels a little bit like….hmm. I mean for me it’s only $20 a month, but multiply that by a LOT of people… plus other more expensive programs she sells….she is making BANK. I did the math once based on a single month based on this Shred program she offers which is like $100 for a month. She mentioned in an IG post that there were like, 2,000 people doing it in January alone.That is like, $200,000 in a SINGLE MONTH?!!? Part of me feels very annoyed by the whole thing, because she clearly makes WAY more than I do, and I slogged through nursing school and work a regular 40 hours a week and will never come close to making more than $200k in a month. And it’s not that she doesn’t “deserve” it, exactly, but I do not think that she’s really doing $200k worth of work, if that makes sense…. The thing with the influencer world seems to be that you have to get a huge following so you can make a ton of money off of something with a low-ish per person price, so the followers don’t mind paying it (bc it’s pretty cheap), but they can still make a crap ton of money in the end. I am also very curious about what makes certain people “take off” and others, not. There are tons of fitness influencers who never really make it, even though they are essentially doing the exact same thing as those who make it big. Maybe a little combination of luck, good looks(?), charisma, good content… I don’t know! I think I’ll keep my day job because I do not seem to be taking off as a Blogger Influencer LOL!!!
Re: the kids + blog content… oof this is also something I really think about a lot, like Elisabeth. It’s so hard. The thing is, I personally often feel most drawn to blogs where people DO share photos or DO share inside tidbits about their lives, because that stuff is just interesting and fun to read! Like Elisabeth mentioned above, it’s hard to really be fully open and honest about your life if you don’t share about your kids, because they are just a huge part of it! (Or the “parenting experience”, anyway.) I guess I’m just glad that my blog is NOT “huge” by any means, so I feel ok sharing, but then again, you never really know who is reading…which can be unnerving.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot since Elisabeth’s comment – I think there is a huge difference between sharing anecdotes/ photos of the kids and family life, and MAKING MONEY off of those same things. Huge huge difference! I think that is what is really off-putting, that the kids and their lives are actively monetized. Although I don’t find anything distasteful about a woman monetizing her own life, it gets sticky and weird when there are kids involved. Do you know what I mean? Like, pose for these photos because we get paid to pose for photos in this particular clothing line.
At first the thought of the mix tapes made me very excited, and envious- I would LOVE to have my old cassette tapes! But then wait- what in the world would I play them on? Who still has a cassette player? Oh well. Some of those things you found are definitely worth keeping- but you’re very smart to be purging the junk now. When my sister and I had to clean out my parent’s house, we discovered that my mom had kept EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF MAIL that anyone ever sent her. At first it was fun, reading letters I sent them from camp when I was 12, but it became less and less fun as we waded through hundreds of Christmas cards, from people like her college roommate, that included their kid’s school photo… it taught me a valuable lesson about what to keep and what to discard! Now when I’m tempted to keep something, I picture my kids having to go through it someday… they’re just going to throw it out, so why not do it now.
Swipe Up For More sounds INTERESTING! For my own (humble) blog, my daughter doesn’t want her photo included, so that settles that. My son doesn’t care, so he makes an appearance every once in a while. When I talk about my family, I obviously leave things out- like I’ll say my daughter is “difficult” without going into details. I definitely wish I could share more, but I don’t, for her sake. And of course I’m not making any money! That would put a whole different spin on things. I’m going to read that book.
Jenny, I did consider keeping the mix tapes…but exactly, why? I do not have a tape player! I did keep some mail and cards, and the rest I let go.
I think you’ll really enjoy that book.
Nicole! You’re so close! I love imagining you unpacking all the things and finding them their new sweet little homes. I know we have a trunk somewhere full of my husband’s physics textbooks. A lot of Eve’s textbooks are online now, but they’re still kind of a racket, just not the kind that will clutter up your shelves for thirty years afterwards, which, yay?
I did agonize over the kid thing on the blog. My thing was always that I would write something that might embarrass them ten days from now, but not anything that would embarrass them ten years from now – I think I’ve held to that, and they’re both cool with everything I’ve blogged about them (I’m also very not famous, thank goodness).
Fully agree about how much work it looks like to be an influencer, and more power to them if they can make it work – I could not deal with the scrutiny and hate, even with the money and adulation that accompanies it.
Deep breaths. There will be a time after this (I most recently used this while climbing the 17-flight-equivalent uphill trail from the water to my friends’ cottage. I nearly died, in which case there would not have been a time after that. But I didn’t).
Whew, I am so glad you didn’t die!
I kept a few textbooks for sentimental reasons – although, “Introduction to Linear Programming” seems like a weird thing to keep because of sentimental reasons!
Oh my gosh Nicole; your life looks like my life right now! I just went through an old box of mementos and got a kick out of some of the things. For example, I had all of the hats from all of my little league teams. WHY!? So I put each one on, took a photo, and then gave them away. I sent the photo collage to my family so they could laugh at me, which was fun. But why oh why did I think those were worth keeping at some point!? This was on repeat with many other things and my last thing is notes from people that I have kept. I am thinking of maybe just scanning several of them and then throwing them away, but it is hard! A handwritten note from my grandma, who has passed, a note from my Mom berating me for being a pill when I was a teenager…those seem priceless, but once you have to move the box again and again, they get less important I guess.
Good luck with the rest of your purging!!!
I did keep letters and postcards, because they really sparked joy! The entire box of wedding RSVP’s though – why did I keep that?
I have a small box of wedding invites from other people and I am still holding onto it. Although, sadly some of the people are divorced….so maybe it’s time to throw some of them away!
Life is keeping me on my toes over here, which has made me late to the packing party, but I enjoyed this so much. We’ve lived here for 15 years and our house prior for 9. When we moved here, Curly was 6 months and I definitely didn’t do a great job of eliminating things. As a result there are bins and boxes of stuff in the crawl space or in my walk in closet and I’m pretty sure I have similar paper piles from our wedding. I try to imagine a time when I have the time to go through all of it, and I, at the point, cannot imagine when that will be.
I do appreciate your ‘there will be a time after this’ mindset. It is helpful. Our plates are pretty full at the moment and I’m leaning heavily into one day at a time sort of approach. Best of luck with the rest of the move. I’m glad that you are excited to unpack everything at the new house. What an exciting time!
I cannot imagine when you’d have time either, Ernie! You’re so supremely busy! Wishing you the best of luck with everything you’ve got going on.
I’m rooting for you! He “there will be a time after this” mantra you’ve shared has become important to me, too. It’s both a relief AND a reminder that every stage and moment is precious, because it doesn’t last.
Thanks so much, Erin! It is a relief and a good reminder to stay present.
How do you even find time to read while all this is going on? You’re a rockstar!
I have some treasures that I also can not get rid of from our wedding. I mean, if I dispose of the Present List how will I know who gave us what? Never mind that a good amount of those people are no longer living or in our lives. 😜
Postcards are such a good thing to keep though…and that one is pretty special.
I bet you were the Best Cabbage Patch Kids Mom ever.
Lololol on the present list – I had one of those too! I recycled it, because, you know, it’s been a minute!
A treasure trove of delights! I am so unsentimental that I barely have anything from my childhood other than pictures. It’s always fun, though, to find mementos of my childhood. I do not think I have a glorious picture of Elvis, though, and I can’t wait to see where he ends up in your new home. 😉
HOME STREEEETCH!
I think this process is making me LESS sentimental and less inclined to keep stuff!
I could have sworn that I had commented here… or did we talk about our mutual Elvis obsession on IG? Either way, it’s fun to go through old boxes and discovering things from our past… but yeah, probably also ‘cleansing’ to let some stuff go.
I think it was on IG! I love that we had a mutual obsession. Was your home in Germany near where Elvis was stationed?
OK, I know you made it. But just had to comment on the crawl space. I feel you. When I moved out of a place long, long ago, there were boxes that just came along. Somewhere around 3 or 4 moves later (I think it was 3? I lose track) I finally got into those boxes again and realized… none of it was needed or wanted. To the Goodwill they went. I have become SO much less sentimental as I’ve gotten older, but I do wonder/worry that I will get rid of something I really, truly should save. I suspect, though, like you, I will (and do) know when something is a true treasure. <3
I know what you mean! I don’t see much of a point of keeping some things, but others are just too precious.