I find it interesting that there will be concepts that I take at face value for my whole life, and then I hear another point of view, which changes that concept forever for me. These are all things that I have taken for granted as meaning one thing – usually with a value attached – and then I find myself startled to discover another side. It’s like when you discover that Ring Around The Rosy had its roots in the bubonic plague, which really puts a dark light on all those games we played in preschool. Or, and this is specific to me and my incredible naivety, when I was 23 and learned that the whole point of Three’s Company was that Jack was pretending to be gay in order to have female roommates. Even more specifically, when I was even older than that I learned that the Duke boys were running a still, and that is why they were in and out of trouble with the law since the day they were born. Also, what the what, Confederate flag and the General Lee. It was startling to me, as an adult, to discover who exactly General Lee was and what the Confederate flag stood for. What can I say, this was not covered in my Canadian public school curriculum. All I remember from my childhood, specific to that television show, is that my older brother had a Dukes of Hazzard-themed TV breakfast tray, the kind that a child could use to place their cereal on while sitting on the floor and watching Saturday morning cartoons, and that the show would inevitably cut to commercial when the General Lee was flying off a bridge or some other ridiculous thing. My own breakfast tray was Smurf-themed.
All of this is to say, in the strangest and most round-about way possible, is that in the last couple of weeks I have been really thinking about the term flattering. Along with, I’m guessing, the vast majority of people, I have always had a positive association with the word flattering, but now I am not so sure. I was listening to a podcast, and the guest said that when we use the word flattering in terms of clothing or outfits, it is almost universally intended to mean smaller. Sure, sometimes we say a colour flatters our skin tone or a neckline flatters our face, but in general, it’s true: when we say an outfit flatters us, we mean it makes us look smaller than we are, and this realization kind of blew my mind.
As women, we are socialized from Day One to take up less space. Smaller, thinner, quieter. As the mother of teen boys who work out to become bigger, and who are always trying to take up MORE space, this realization was unsettling.
A few weeks ago I mentioned that my body has changed in the past year and a half; some of it is menopause-related, but a lot of it is due to adding strength training into my workouts. I added strength training back in January 2021, when the gym was closed – and even when it did open, it felt unsafe – and it was far too icy and cold for me to run outside. I wanted to strength train to reduce the risk of injury when I started running again, and then I added a bit more upper body training in a bid to stave off osteoporosis, which my doctor informed me I am at high risk of developing. All medical literature indicates that bone density is improved by strength training, and although I do find it incredibly boring and tedious, I do it regularly; I never miss. This regularity means that my body shape has changed, and some body parts have become bigger. Namely, my glutes and quads; I have a real Baby Got Back situation going on these days.
Here’s the thing: I want to be strong. I want to have lots of juicy muscle protecting my aging joints and bones. I want to be healthy and active for life; I want to be able to still keep moving in my Golden Years. Basically, I want my body to be as strong as possible until I shuffle off this mortal coil; this is why I exercise. I exercise for health, it’s not about esthetics.
Except, it kind of is a little bit about esthetics, and here is the problem.
A lifetime of conditioning ourselves as women to be smaller and take up less space in this world takes its toll on our brains. There is a weird cognitive dissonance here: I regularly exercise to become stronger and healthier, and then being stronger and healthier means that my pants are tight across the thighs and bum. It’s hard to reconcile my newfound bootyliciousness after living 47 years in a society that values smallness, thinness, and pants that don’t fit because they have become too big. Add that to my perimenopausal soft, round tummy that proudly asserts itself despite any exercise routine and, well. It evokes feelings, is what I’m saying.
A while ago, Jamie (HI JAMIE) talked about this exact same phenomenon, but with her shirts no longer fitting due to a stronger and larger upper body. On the one hand: muscle is what we are working for! On the other: patriarchal pressures to be small and take up less space. Jamie has suggested a t-shirt saying “How are you going to smash the patriarchy with small delts?” I want one of my own, but with glutes instead of delts.
One of my most special, prized possessions is a framed Desiderata; the original hung on my grandma’s wall and I had it reframed years ago. I look at it every day. When I was a kid the words that most spoke to me were Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. Isn’t that everything? Isn’t that just everything? We all have a right to be here, we all have a right to take up space, we all can celebrate our bodies exactly as they are, in whatever way they change and grow as we age.
I’m pretty sure these running pants would not be considered flattering in the typical sense of the word. But you know what? They go great with all my black tops AND they have side pockets.
Weekly Reading
It’s Okay To Laugh (Crying Is Cool Too). This was a very good memoir. This woman lost her dad and husband from cancer, AND had a miscarriage, all in a six week period. She writes about her life with levity and wit, and I’m looking forward to reading more! Many thanks to Lisa (HI LISA) for the recommendation. In what felt like a Baader-Meinhof twist, I was reading this and then heard the author interviewed on a podcast, and I liked her even more after hearing her speak. She has a new book coming out and I have it on hold at the library, stay tuned.
The Real Wallis Simpson. When the Queen died, my local library had a big display of royal-themed books, and I picked this one up, saying to the librarian “Do I WANT to know the real Wallis Simpson?” Not to constantly talk about the patriarchy, but PATRIARCHY. Wallis was, of course, the most vilified woman in Great Britain. I did not realize how popular Edward was with the general public, although I did know that Mrs. Simpson was blamed entirely for the abdication and near-downfall of the monarchy. It is important to note that – proven through correspondence – she did not ever want to marry Edward, nor did she want him to abdicate, but once he did abdicate, well, the die was cast. It should also be noted that Edward never really wanted to be king in the first place, according to his own personal correspondence. This book was quite interesting and also very, very sad. It shows that no matter who you are, you need a purpose in life and a reason to get out of bed in the morning, which Edward struggled with after the abdication. This book also paints the Queen Mum in a very unflattering light. It shows her as a woman who held a lifelong grudge – she thought that her husband’s illness and death was brought on prematurely due to the strain of suddenly becoming a king – even though the abdication meant that ultimately her daughter would be the Queen, beloved and revered, for so long.
We had our first snowfall of the season this year, and I have a very, very happy dog on my hands. Also a very, very wet dog! It’s a good thing I have been working out, because walking this guy in the snow takes a lot of effort. I hope you all have a lovely week! xo
Living in a woman’s body is never easy. I think you’re on a good path, though.
I have lost a lot of weight since my diabetes diagnosis, and I find it hard to process sometimes. When my sister saw me last month, she pointed out that I really need to buy some clothes in smaller sizes because I look “like a skater boy” in my old, loose clothes. And at the time she said that, I was wearing jeans I’d bought one size down from my old size.
You’re so right, it’s not easy and changes are hard to process at times. I think it’s very hard to get used to a new size!
This is a huge topic. Growing up, I was tall (I guess I just grew fast, because I ended up at a normal height) and I always felt big and awkward because of that. When something like that is ingrained in you from a young age, it’s very hard to overcome. And I also have a teenage son who’s working out and eating with the intention of bulking up- when I was his age i constantly under-ate in my quest for a smaller body.
I think having kids helped, and also- oddly- going through menopause helps. Suddenly, being little doesn’t seem as important as not ending up in the hospital with a hip fracture. I can tell my perspective has shifted because when I saw the photo of your muscle-y arms I thought “I want arms like that!” It’s still a work in progress though.
I can’t believe you have snow… brrrrr.
I was the same, Jenny – very tall as a kid, although I hit 5’7″ when I was about 13 or 14 and then stopped growing. Being a tall girl did feel awkward, although I wonder if it would be the same these days?
I loved this sentence so much: “I want to have lots of juicy muscle protecting my aging joints and bones.” Obviously (I hope), I also really love the concept/point behind that sentence. As usual, you manage to be both thought-provoking and inspirational. It’s all so complicated, isn’t it.
Hooray for snow! And how nice that your pup loves it, instead of refusing to set foot in it all winter long.
Thanks Suzanne – it’s so complicated!
Rex is SO cute in the snow, rolling around and eating it and jumping. So cute!
My dog hates warm weather and I’m actually kind of getting excited for snow because she loves it so much! I’m so happy Rex is a cold weather dog and you’ll get to live in the excitement of cooler weather with him.
Being a human being in a human body is challenging. It’s constantly changing as we age and it’s hard to know what the right approach is. I think the running pants are flattering and I think you look strong and happy and some part of me wants to say that’s all that matters. So, you look strong and happy and I hope you actually are!
Thanks so much! I am happy, but it’s strange to have my pants be tight around the bum and thighs. But I feel great and healthy.
Rex is so excited about the snow, it’s just the cutest thing. I’m glad Hannah likes it too! Lucky for Rex, we have looooooong winters!
I feel this post so much. I workout to be healthy and then I think I look too muscle-y and my pants are tight in the same places. Your arms are totally to be envied though, so strong! Anyway, you look like the picture of health to me – strong and lean and HAPPY!
Thanks so much Colleen! xo
This is very thought provoking. The quote that went something like BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF, . . . YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HERE. Beautiful.
Like Jenny above, I was VERY tall as a kid and continued to be one of the tallest girls. I hated it. Hated my look. Developed slouchy posture. Always wanted to hide. I am blessed with a high metabolism and have never really struggled with weight gain, but I still disliked my body. It was always so hard to find pants that were long enough and the internet didn’t exist to help me search for tall lengths. I do a great deal of strength training, but only in the last 10 years or so. I am happy with my muscles and don’t feel like having them makes me look ‘big’, but healthy. Mini and I went clothes shopping when she was home last week. She is 6 feet tall – we found jeans for her, but they were pricey and I insisted we buy them. I know how important it is to have clothes that fit!
That memoir sounds like something I’d like to read. I finished Bomb Shelter. It was very good even though I struggled a bit with the reality of the epilepsy bits. Hit so close to home, and some of the thoughts were things I had not yet thought . . . and now I am THINKING those thoughts, but still an excellent book that gave me writer’s envy. Wishing I could write like that. I am currently reading Chocolat, but I am having a hard time getting into it. I blame reading 2 pages before I fall asleep at night. I’ve had no other time to read but at bedtime lately. It is beautifully written, but can’t get into it.
I was tall as well, Ernie, although I think you ended up taller! I’m 5’7″ which isn’t super tall, just tall. I’m so glad you persisted in getting Mini jeans that fit – so important to feel cute and comfortable!
I was wondering how you felt about Bomb Shelter. The realization about “I miss you when I blink” made me shiver all over.
This gives a lot of food for thought (as so many of your posts do). I have struggled with my body image my WHOLE life for a laundry list of reasons I won’t list here.
I will say that I have become so much more comfortable in my own skin over the last few years and switching to intuitive eating and not weighing myself (inspired in part by your own discussion of doing this) has really helped in so many ways, too.
I have read multiple books by Nora Purmort and they’re SO good. I copied down so many quotes. No Happy Endings is also great.
And I’m so, so glad we haven’t had snow on the East Coast, yet. I am NOT ready and don’t even have snow boots. Eeks. Winter is coming, but please keep it out West for a while longer yet.
I’m so glad you are feeling comfortable in your own skin! You are beautiful inside and out.
Beautifully written, Nicole. I have always felt too big, too soft, too much. I’m reading a really interesting book called Body Positive Power: Because Life Is Already Happening and You Don’t Need Flat Abs to Live It by Megan Jayne Crabbe
It seriously makes me want to cry that I’ve been so mean to myself for so long!
I’ll look that book up! A life-changing book for me was Your Body, Your Best Friend – it was SO good, and maybe along a similar vein.
Growing up a female in the 1970s and 1980s was tough. I’m sure it was no picnic for our mothers and grandmothers as well. So many negative body image lessons must be shed so that they are not passed down to future generations.
I’d never heard of Desiderata before! I clicked on your link and wound up in a rabbit hole, which you already know I enjoy. I love it when something written so long ago still has significance today.
No matter when it comes, the first snow always makes me happy. I hope it brought you happiness as well. ❤️
Xoxo
Oh, that’s the truth, Kari.
I’m so glad you enjoyed Desiderata! It’s my favourite thing ever.
I am so glad that you liked “It’s ok to laugh.” Nora is THE BEST. She is a wonderful human being. She’s really doing MN proud with all of her work (although she does not live in MN anymore – she moved to AZ I think)! I used to listen to her podcast, Terrible Thanks for Asking. That is actually what she wanted to title It’s ok to laugh but the editor said it was too depressing! Anyways on that podcast she interviews people with sad stories. It sounds like an odd thing to listen to but she talks about how important it is to talk about the hard stuff and acknowledge it. I’m looking forward to reading her new book, too! She is just my favorite.
Gah, body image stuff is tough. I struggled with body image as young as 3rd grade. I was very aware of the fact that my mom was on a diet and I thought I should be, too. How sad. I think we are more aware of how our kids are influenced by the language we use to describe food and our bodies. I am very cognizant of this because I don’t want my boys to struggle with what I struggled with. They are less prone as boys but they can still struggle with body image, too. And I’m careful about how I talk about exercise. I say “I get to run” instead of “I have to run” for example. I accept my body more now than I did in the previous 3-4 decades. I think having children helps – like look at what our bodies can do. They grew a whole person with fingernails and hair and ear lobes. What in the world! I’m not immune to it and still have this desire to be smaller/trimmer but I’m working on being kinder to myself.
I just looked up her podcast and I will give it a listen. There is a local woman who has a podcast called Sorry, I’m Sad and it deals with similar things – it’s actually very uplifting, though.
Body image is so fraught. I like to say “I get to” instead of “I have to” because honestly, what a privilege it is to be in a body that can move and do things!
Man, I could talk about the body image piece all day. Especially in the way you frame it, which is in such a healthier tone than I usually see. I’ve been reading through old blog posts from when I was in my early 20s and, man, I was so mean to myself and so concerned with losing weight and looking a certain way. I’ve come to terms with my fat body, which is mostly thanks to diversifying who I follow online and the books I read, and I am so, so cognizant of fatphobic language, and it always hurts my heart. Just this weekend, I was watching something on TV with my mom and an actor who has lost an immense amount of weight was on the screen, and I nearly said, “Man, he looks so good!” before I caught myself. But isn’t that what we always say when we see someone who has lost weight? Ugh. It’s so ingrained in us!
I love the photo of Rex in the snow! <3
It is SO ingrained in us to talk a certain way and to compliment people in a certain way, and I am trying to be aware of it in my own life. I think we have all been mean to ourselves – I just read something called Mirror Meditation, which is looking into your own eyes in a mirror and thinking of yourself as you would a best friend. I like that idea. I have become much nicer to myself as I have gotten older, but there is always room for improvement!
So now that you mention it…I can’t think of any time that I’ve told a man that an outfit was “flattering”. Something to think about for sure.
I read up on Wallace a few years ago but it’s been too long so I need to revisit her.
Dogs and snow! That’s a match made in heaven. Now I’m exciting for winter (though in no hurry for it to get here).
Oh Birchy! You’re right! It’s very much a female thing, isn’t it?
Great post and definitely thought provoking. I was a tall girl too – about 5’8 and my girls are too. They don’t seem to be as bothered by it but I am often triggered when people say, ‘my, but your girls are TALL,’ like it’s not the best thing. I can remember being teased for my weight and height throughout junior high and it wasn’t fun. Honestly I wasn’t even that overweight – it was just lots of grandma’s cooking and I loved it. Being in the junior high subbing I don’t hear comments like this at the forefront. It still happens but doesn’t seem as prevalent and it isn’t acceptable as it once was…
You’re right, things do seem to have changed for the better on that front. I was bothered by my height but I’m sure not now!
Wow, Nicole! Love the strong, toned definition–amazing what strength training can do! I loved this: “As women, we are socialized from Day One to take up less space. Smaller, thinner, quieter.” Jean Kilbourne who did that documentary “Killing Us Softly,” talks similarly about how girls and women are supposed to aspire to the smallest sizes–size 0 or even 00 and asks us to imagine if men would ever want to fit into something that is a literal zero. Crushing.
In happier news, my MIL has a framed Desiderata too… the first time I read it, I marveled at how I could just *feel* my soul becoming brighter…
I haven’t heard of that documentary, Maya, but I am going to look into it! You’re right, it’s ridiculous to have zero sizing. Not to mention 00!
Your MIL and I are connected! I love that.
Umm… or perhaps we could we say your GRANDMOTHER and my MIL are connected and you and I are connected? 🙂
Yes! I like that!
Wow does a the body image topic generate a conversation! All women struggle with it I believe. I have never struggled much with weight and in fact, as I age find I weigh less than I ever have. I’d never complain about it as most women struggle with weight gain as they age (but fat does fill up wrinkles!). I LOVE a muscled look on women – to me that represents healthy & strong. I used to own a gym and so many women worried about bulking up, which really doesn’t happen easily to women. I’d also remind them that we need muscles as we age just to get up from a chair or the floor! I in fact, would love a little “baby got back”. My bum just sort of …disappeared over the years, I think as a result of mainly running for decades. I’ve been doing strength training daily for a few years but it seems impossible to regain that glute muscle – perhaps I need to bump it up. You look so strong- and that’s a compliment. Strength is beauty to me.
Thank you so much, Pat, that means a lot coming from you!!! But you are right – all women struggle. I saw an IG post from Paulina Porizkova, the former supermodel, and she talked about just that thing – that even in her modeling days, it was never enough. This has got to change!!!
I tell my yoga students all the time that the key is to keep moving so we don’t have to restart moving. Getting up off the chair or the floor, this is where it’s at!
Oh!! I never thought of “flattering” in that way. I use the word often enough to indicate that a color or style of an outfit brings out the best of the wearer! Anyway…you look great, Nicole; I want arms like yours! I think toned and defined are good looks — health and strength. You motivate me to get back to exercising. I slacked off big time during the COVID safety measures and I’m still hesitant to get back in the gym now with everyone huffing and puffing in a small room. But I can at least do something at home, right?
Rex looks so happy with the snow! We should take our dog up to the mountains in the winter some time — what is a Siberian Husky that has never seen/played in the snow? A sad one, that’s what! LOL
That’s how I have always thought of flattering, as well, M. But once I heard that I couldn’t stop hearing it, if you know what I mean?
Thanks for your very sweet words!
I don’t know any smart woman over 40 who doesn’t eventually come to realize that we all were brainwashed into thinking there was one way to look so that we’d be attractive to the male gaze. The thing is that some women never figure this out and become scrawny instead of healthy thin. Whilst the rest of us allow ourselves to be who we need ourselves to be, thin, heavy, or somewhere in between– and that body shape depends on many variables over which we have no control.
Ally, this is such a good comment. You’re right, I think around 40 is the turning point. This is when we see “wait, what are we doing here.” And “variables over which we have no control” – this is such an important point and something that maybe we/ I forget sometimes. I feel like putting this comment in my notes on my phone so I can look at it every day. xo
It’s not easy being a woman! Too many outside voices in our own heads.
I’ve been strength training since I was 48. For me that was a big game changer on my physical self. I had slowed down during the pandemic, but I’m back. For me it’s the best workout and having some muscle is a bonus.
You LOOK AMAZING! And I love your blue workout pants on you.
I always thought ‘flattering’ meant it looks good on YOU. Not exactly making you appear smaller, but fits your body type. I see so many people who wear clothing that is NOT flattering on them because I think they’ve not come to terms with their body type? I dunno…I’m rambling now.
Yay for Rex having a snow day. (or month!)
No, I know exactly what you mean about flattering, Suz!
I’m so happy for you and your strength training! I admit that I really don’t enjoy it, but I am feeling happy that I can see results in that I can lift more weight than I ever thought possible. I started with three and five pound dumbbells, and that felt like the absolute limit! Now I’m up to 10-20, depending on the exercise.
HI NICOLE! Very best wishes on both your muscle-building and your patriarchy-smashing. I am so glad to know I’m not alone in wrestling with this stuff at midlife.
You’re definitely not alone! My glutes and I are with you all the way.
It really is not easy being a woman, because everyone and their brother have an opinion about your outward appearance. If you’re too big they have an opinion, if you’re too small the often have one, too. We really just need to focus on ourselves more (easier said than done).
I also always thought of “flattering” as something that just looked particularly good on that person, but I can see how it can also be understood as “it makes you look smaller, thinner, better”, etc. than you actually are.
As for you, you look lean and strong and amazing!
Thanks so much San! The podcast really made me think about language and how we use it towards our bodies. Something to think about!
I read this and loved it, but apparently never commented. I know that one’s personal perception of how one looks is so fraught, and even people who fit every possible social standard of beauty can be self-critical, but it’s bonkers to me that anyone could look at that picture of you and see anything but strength and beauty. You’re glowy in every sense of the word.
Thank you so much xoxoxo
I… have never thought of flattering as being focused on appearing smaller. Hm. This is a new one for me, and while it makes sense from a societal/established viewpoint perspective, it just doesn’t align with my mental definition for the word. When I say something flatters someone, I mean that they look like themselves in it, only, well, enhanced. Not necessarily smaller, though. (On a side note, though, you are rocking the running pants. My first thought was dang, woman! those are great pants! I could never wear them! :>)
And go you for building muscle. I should really learn from your example. Signed, she who loves cardio
That’s how I’ve always thought as well, Anne, but this podcast is making me think differently. Enhanced – I like that a lot!
I love cardio too, so weights are a real slog for me. But I feel like I can do anything for ten minutes a day!