Monthly Archives: January 2015

Late to the party!

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It seems like most of the world was busy ferrying their children back to school yesterday, but mine spent most of the day in their pajamas; it was, strangely enough, a PD day. I was glad it was a PD day though, because I was a little busy yesterday morning – I was on the local news!

That was a pretty fun and interesting start to the week; after that I came home to my life of glamour and made breakfast for the kids, washed the floors, and did the laundry. Today they are back at school and so we are mostly back to routine; I say mostly because the poor dog is desperate for a good walk but the snow and cold seems prohibitive to me. Tomorrow, Barkley, is only a day away.

It’s funny, because I was not at all nervous to go on live television in front of I don’t know how many viewers. A lot? We are a city of 1.1 million, and I’m assuming a decent percentage of them watch the morning news. Anyway, I wasn’t nervous at all about that but I was extremely nervous about driving to the studio.

A week or so ago, I received details about my segment and the address of the studio, which is located in an area of the city of which I am totally unfamiliar. My husband, being familiar with my driving anxiety, looked up the address and casually mapped out a few different routes, telling me which route he preferred and why. And this – this is one of the reasons I adore him, for his innate ability to zone in on the best possible route to anywhere. He factors in the approximate number of lights. He factors in the time of day of driving and possible traffic issues. He factors in my propensity to freeze up and panic in unfamiliar driving situations.

So, armed with detailed written directions, including how to get back home, which no, is not an obvious thing for me, I set out for a practice drive last Friday afternoon. My husband suggested that, if all else failed, I could pull over and type the address into the GPS, which is an insane suggestion. I will never, ever be fooled again into thinking that the GPS will actually get me to where I want to be, not after last year’s fiasco where I tried to drive to my brother’s house and ended up on a gravel road outside the city.

Here’s the thing I really hate about the GPS: if I somewhat know what route I want to take, and it’s not the route that the GPS thinks I should take, then I have to listen to the robotic voice suggesting that I make a U-turn somewhere in order to get onto the route the GPS is suggesting. Then, when U-turning on the highway is deemed impossible, it spends a significant amount of time saying “Recalculating. Recalculating. Recalculating.” until I feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown. The GPS is an evil, evil device.

When I woke up yesterday morning, it had snowed, and it was blowing snow, and the road reports were all talking about the delays that commuters would face and how poor the conditions were. Slightly panicked, I hauled my giant box of food to the car and left early. The conditions were bad; I had to resort to listening to talk radio, which I find soothing in bad driving conditions for some reason. The lanes on the road were not visible, so there was that thing where people make up their own lanes to drive in and it feels very willy-nilly, like at any moment someone is going to sideswipe your car. I remained calm, listening to the “Report on Business”, and ended up at the studio a full forty minutes early. Better early than late!

Speaking of television, about a month ago my husband started watching Game of Thrones. After viewing about thirty seconds of it, during which there was a beheading and two impalements, I decided this was not the show for me. Generally he would watch it after the boys and I went to bed, but during the holidays he watched a few episodes during the day, when the boys were busy with other things and I was reading or cooking. I ended up seeing a few minutes here and there and became a bit interested, to my husband’s chagrin since he had to pause the show every time I asked a question, which was often. Who’s that guy? Where did she get dragons from? Oooh that guy is creepy. He’s the king? Ugh, he’s creepy. Ew, she had sex with her brother? Wait, the king is a product of incest? Why isn’t his father the king? Ew. Why isn’t his grandfather the king, then? This doesn’t make sense. Who’s that guy? Wait, who’s she? Oh hey, it’s the guy from Downton Abbey.

Eventually I got semi-caught up on the major plot points, although I couldn’t remember any names and had to keep referring to characters by a ridiculously long description such as “the red haired woman who is married to the Peter Dinklage character” or “the guy who was Sir Richard on Downton Abbey but he’s way better looking in this show”. I found it so intriguing, actually, that I’m considering reading the books. Has anyone read them and would you recommend them? Given that I just finished the delightful “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?”, I feel like I could tackle something a bit heavier.

Professional Internet Commenter, or “PIC” for short

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Happy New Year! And thank you to everyone who offered your kind words. I promise to keep on keeping on, because what if the mannequin came back? If a mannequin shows up in Nicole’s alley, and Nicole doesn’t write about it, does it really exist? We may never know.

I hope you had a lovely start to the New Year. We all – yes, even me – stayed up to midnight. This is the first time that the kids stayed up to ring in the New Year – and to be honest, I kind of dozed on the couch until the clock struck twelve. But we all saw 2015 come in, disappointing the children because I was unable to say “see you next year” like I normally do at bedtime on December 31.

When you were young, what did you picture your life to be like? I wonder about people who are what I like to call “professional internet commenters”. You know what I’m talking about; people who – apparently – search the internet for terms that are important to them, and then comment – generally in a negative fashion – on what they find. I used to think that these people had a lot of spare time, but now I’ve come to the realization that this is what these people DO. This is their career choice, albeit a poorly-paid career choice, and so they take it seriously.

My first encounter with Professional Internet Commenters was many years ago. My friend Veronica had written a blog post, casually and in passing saying that Esperanto was a silly, made-up language. Oh! So many internet comments about that. I had never even heard of Esperanto but it was a topic that drew many passionate supporters, who were incensed at the usage of the words silly and made-up.

I once had a Professional Internet Commenter say that he hoped someone locked me up for child abuse, and that someone should call the UN. Oh, Professional Internet Commenter. I know you meant to shame me but really, it amuses me no end. Someone should call the UN. THE UN! Yes, someone SHOULD call the United Nations about my views on health, wellness, and necessary medical procedures. The UN!

Recently a friend pointed out a recipe for muffins on the Yummy Mummy Club site that had a massive divisive comment section on the amount of sugar in the muffins. There was name-calling and much agitation about the muffin recipe. Muffins: today’s hot-button topic. You can almost see Tucker Carlson and James Carville taking sides. Resolved: muffins are an appropriate breakfast food. Today at 11.

Lately I’ve been getting Professional Internet Commenters getting upset with my usage of the words “cleanse and detox” when it comes to juice and smoothie recipes, which perversely makes me want to use “cleanse and detox” in every single conversation from now until the internet blows up. I had one such person tell me that no one could take me seriously when I use the words “cleanse and detox” because “cleansing and detoxing” is a bogus concept with no scientific backing; I happened on a “cleanse and detox” article in Canadian Living and the exact same person left the exact same comment. It made me feel kind of famous, to be honest. I mean, I’m getting the same Professional Internet Commenters as Canadian Living! Looks like we made it!

Speaking of CLEANSING AND DETOXING, are you making any New Year’s resolutions? I have one, and that is to learn how to decorate cakes, cupcakes, and cookies, and not just like this:

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Technically that is not my work of art, but it’s about at my current decorating level.

So I’m pretty excited about that. I have a few friends who I’m going to call on for advice, and then watch out, world! It’s going to be a cupcake-palooza around here. And after that? A CLEANSE AND DETOX.

I’ll be over here waiting for the internet to blow up. But do share – what are your resolutions, if any?