Yesterday I optimistically cleaned the house, sanitizing all the surfaces and disinfecting doorknobs.  I baked muffins and indulged in such self-care rituals as applying moisturizer, blow-drying my hair, and shaving my legs for the first time in many days.  I just finished reading How To Be A Woman, and while I enjoyed it, and felt a strong and hearty agreement with it, I also feel that there are many nice things in life, and having smooth legs, underarms, and bikini line after days of achieving yeti-like status is one of them.  Relatedly, I realized as I plucked them that my eyebrows would, if left unchecked, morph into a blend of Frida Kahlo and Martin Scorcese’s on my face.  There’s nothing like a few days of stomach flu and no sleep to make normal daytime rituals seem like the epitome of luxury.

Oh!  But I was too optimistic too soon, because my remaining healthy child took a turn for the worse last night, causing me to pull a very gross all-nighter with him.  I’m doing a lot of laundry, is what I’m saying.  My husband is also feeling nervous, like there is ominous music playing just for him.  If you hear a strange noise, do not leave the campfire.  Do not go into the dark woods.

The funny thing about kids is how quickly they bounce back, eating freezies and playing video games.  Even while sick, in the middle of the night, Mark both maintained his polite manners – “Please may I have a tissue?” – and his incredulity about the whole situation.  “I think I have the barfing flu” he said after heaving into the toilet for the seventh time in two hours.  Yeah, maybe.  Jake, on the other hand, maintained sunny optimism: “Every time I barf I feel a little better!” he said after the tenth bathroom visit.  “I think I’ll probably feel better tomorrow!”

And he seems to be correct.  Yesterday, while attempting to find a suitable children’s show on television, I came across The Price Is Right!  I was so excited.  The kids enjoyed the show in the same way I did when I was a kid.  The prizes and games were all so exciting!  A barbeque in the shape of an egg!  A new car!  A trip to New York!  A freestanding sauna!  I was kind of disappointed that there were no dinette sets to be won, as in my youth, but maybe I need to watch more.

When I was a kid, I loved that show.  I used to want to be a Barker’s Beauty, and this wish also coincided with my idea that I would, one day, be crowned Miss Canada.  My mother even made a Halloween costume to that effect, complete with red gown, crown, and sash proclaiming MISS CANADA 1982.  But the idea that a whole career – such as it was – could be built out of being pretty, wearing stilettos, and showcasing RV’s and sectional couches was fascinating.  I didn’t know about sexual harrassment, obviously, so it seemed pretty prime to me.

Of course, the Price is Right that my kids are now happily being exposed to has 100% less sexual harrassment – I THINK – and also has a male, um, Barker’s Beauty.  I guess they aren’t called that anymore but I cannot imagine what they might be called.  Anyway, this guy is disappointingly modestly dressed and also, it appears, in charge of driving the New! Cars! to be won.  What’s up with THAT?  The women can still drive cars in the presence of a man, thank you very much.

In any case, I’d like to thank The Price Is Right for the much-needed entertainment for me and my recovering children.  One episode had almost every single audience member in blocks of colour-matched t-shirts, which made Mark think that the audience was made up of “teams”.  “Oh, the red team is up.”  I guess it’s kind of true.  We also saw a woman win $1000 spinning the big wheel, whereas she promptly fell on the floor and rolled around.  “Wow, she’s REALLY happy.” Mark said.  “What would happen if she won one million dollars?”  I’m guessing she would probably die, but die happy, I suppose.

One of the best parts of watching The Price is Right is the commercials.  You have to hand it to the TV executives; they know their prime audience, and it isn’t me and my kids.  In one hour we saw two separate commercials for motorized scooters, several for Ensure, laxatives, and other supplements for Colon Health, and one featuring Henry Winkler advocating for reverse mortgages.  FONZIE.  Have we learned nothing?  Reverse mortgages are a very, very bad idea.  NOT COOL.  Stick with the Colace.


  1. Oh, how I LOOOOVE The Price is Right. It basically got me through university – 11 a.m. was a sacred time in the student lounge. I just showed it to the kids this past fall, because I’d asked for TPIR Wii game for my birthday and the kids had no idea what it was. They love it, but oh man, are they BAD at estimating prices. In their world, a clock and a car and a set of golf clubs and a trip around the world are all, approximately, $3000. GAH.

  2. There should be a warning on THIS post, what with all the *shudder* barf talk. I can handle most anything gross with ease, but I am a sympathy-puker. Many times in my mom career I have been rinsing out pukey sheets / blankets / hair and had to pause to puke myself because I JUST CANNOT HANDLE TEH VOMITZ.

    I remember hearing once that a man actually *did* die on The Price is Right set, while spinning the big wheel, because he won $11,000 and dropped dead of a massive heart attack brought on by too much joy or something. But I have no idea if that’s a true story or just an urban myth.

    I always wondered about the little frail old ladies who couldn’t make the wheel go around even once. Drove me crazy, even as a kid. “I COULD SO SPIN THAT AROUND AND AROUND!” I would yell. so much empathy I had for the 300-year-old women spinning a giant novelty wheel. :p

  3. Id like to bid 1$ Bob…or worse those guys that take the highest bid and add 1$ LoLLL

    • Ha! I love those guys! But they should wait until they are the last person to bid. One guy was like $550, then the next guy was $551, and the NEXT one was $552. The actual price was way different so the other person not in the ridiculous bidding war won. KARMA.

  4. I used to LOVE The Price is Right. I even knew all the Barker’s Beauties names, at one point.

    Your husband sounds like a friend I spoke to today. Since Christmas, her parents, sisters, and husband have all been ill. She said she’s probably a ticking time bomb.

  5. Was it always the same 3 Barker Beauties or was it that red head and two nameless cookie cutter blondes. I feel badly about not knowing their names. Well, just the red haired woman. She was cute. WAIT?! By any chance was that actually Reba Mcentire? In my mind they are the same FANCY woman.

    Were there any sailors in the audience? I loved it when the fleet was in. Those shows were the best.

    • There WEREN’T. But I love when the fleet was in too. They are quite patriotic, usually there is at least one miliary member on stage. There was, however, a guy with the worst ever mullet wearing a sleeveless t-shirt to show off his amazing (seriously amazing) pipes.

  6. I can’t get used to Drew Carey being Bob Barker. It creeps me out, even though I love Drew Carey. I always wanted the people who get called from the audience to have more dignity. I know – clearly this isn’t the show for me. And – seriously, there’s a WII GAME?

  7. Miss Elise says

    Your poor family! So ill! I hear you…we did all that drama before Xmas. Not Cool. Hope you and yours are all rolling on the floor laughing soon. Love you!

  8. Sometimes when I can’t work out a lunch, I run on the treadmill in our office gym at a random mid-day time and boy am I not the proper target audience for the ads on at that time of day. They crack me up: sell your old gold for $, life insurance at “reasonable” rates, the famous “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” device. They are selling fear in 100 different packages all. morning. long.

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