Cheerful thoughts for a crappy weekend

It has been a dull, dreary weekend.  It started for me at 6:20 am on Saturday when Mark woke me up with the words no one likes to hear, “Mom, I feel like I’m going to barf.”  Fortunately no barfing ensued, but unfortunately he spent the weekend feverish, lethargic, and without an appetite.  Then the snow continued to fall, the endless snow in this endless winter.  I feel like Laura Ingalls in The Long Winter but without the actual hardships; no one is starving, freezing to death, or spending days either grinding wheat to make bread or twisting hay into fuel to keep warm.  I’m actually wondering if the snow will never stop.  Maybe a woolly mammoth will take up residence in my yard.  That would be interesting, to say the least. 
So I spent much of the weekend monitoring Mark’s temperature, staring sadly at the grey sky and masses of snow and obsessively refreshing the online weather forecast, and wallowing around nursing hurt feelings from perceived slights by a variety of sources.  Poor me!  It was like a little black cloud was following me around, and I spent many hours in a state of gloom.  When I feel gloomy like this, there are a few ways for me to turn things around: wine, yummy food, and thinking of cheering things. 
Here are the cheering things from this weekend:
1)      Yesterday, while I was getting my roots done in the salon, the perky, very young new shampoo girl chatted with me about her weekend plans.  She was telling me that she was going to go dancing that evening, and then proceeded to ask me, startlingly, if I ever went to her favourite nightclub.  When I responded, she exclaimed “Why not?  It’s so fun and they play GREAT dance music!”  I refrained from mentioning that the last time I “went dancing” was the last time bodysuits and high-waisted coloured jeans were in style; likely I was wearing those with my Rachel haircut, drinking $3 triple vodka slimes.  Probably the dance music was along the lines of “I Like To Move It (Move It)” and “What Is Love (Baby Don’t Hurt Me)”.  She proceeded to discuss the pros and cons of clubbing: on the one hand, if you get there before ten o’clock you avoid the lineups, on the other hand, if you go that early then the dance floor is dead.  Just completely dead.  I had an image of me completely asleep in a corner by the time the club started shaking; besides which I have no idea what people actually wear to clubs anymore.  Maybe bodysuits and high-waisted coloured jeans are actually back in style.  Nonetheless, I did appreciate her high-energy chatter even if I felt like I was ninety years old.  What do the kids like to do on Saturday nights nowadays?  As it was, my husband and I watched The 40 Year Old Virgin, which never fails to make me laugh.  “Now you let your seed blossom into a plant.  Then you fuck the plant.”  Good times.
2)      My husband was watching golf this weekend, and the announcer said “I’ve really been impressed by the way he stroked it.”  I’m sure Clarence Carter was very pleased.  Ah, there’s nothing like sports related unintended sexual innuendo.  Of course there’s curling – “Hurry!  Hard!  Hard! HAAAARRRRRRRDDDD!  WHOA.  Whooooaaaa.” – and football – “Now that’s some really good penetration” – but golf, I find, is the most amusing.  On a non-sports-related front, a friend mentioned that he finds the new “chip” credit cards entertaining – “Just go ahead and stick it in the bottom”. 
3)      A friend of mine wrote an article about undergarments, specifically shapewear, and just casually mentioned that nothing gets between Oprah and her Spanx.  That image is alarming, to say the least, but in the cover photo of this month’s O Magazine, you can really tell that it’s true!  Ewww!
4)      It’s my birthday in four days!  I can hardly believe it because a) it’s really really cold, and b) I missed about a week, mentally, due to my surgery so I keep thinking it’s only March.  No.  It’s BIRTHDAY TIME!  I need to find myself a tiara and dust off my “IT’S MY BIRTHDAY” sandwich board.  As an early gift, my husband made me a mixed CD – a mix tape!  Squee! – and it’s chock full of my favourite types of music, including, but not limited to, the Tina and Ike version of Proud Mary and the song Baby Come Back.  You can blame it ALL ON ME.  I was wrong, and I just can’t live WITHOUT YOU! 
And now you can blame me for putting that song in your head.  Tell me some cheering things, come on, tell me something good!


  1. I can’t believe you are still getting snow at your house. That would drive me crazy too.

  2. Ahh, you are just too charming! I love it! You always make me chuckle. Anyway, soon to be Birthday girl, what are your plans?

  3. Bitch! If I wanted that song in my head I would have just watched a goddamned Swiffer commercial. I love the image of you (and me) asleep at the edge of the dance floor.

  4. Anonymous says

    Thanks for the cheer, I too had a gloomy weekend. Here’s my cheerful thought for you – I just heard birds chirping. You know it’s been a long winter here too because I didn’t recognize the sound at first.
    Happy birthday!

  5. I’m pretty that — like Oprah — Dr Phil doesn’t let anything come between him and his spanx.

    I was in Mexico @ Xmas & my 20 year old nieces invited me to go out clubbing. I’m sure they were motivated by pity or the dream of getting some youtube-worthy cellphone video of me busting a move 90s-style, but I was very flattered. Then I went back to my room and read a book.

    Happy Early Birthday! My Birthday is like Hanuakah. The celebrations go on for 8 nights and involves many, many burning candles. Hence I can relate!

  6. Happy upcoming birthday. And thank you for putting our snow in perspective.


  7. You have the best memory. I completely forgot about the body suits and high-waisted coloured jeans that I used to wear. And oh baby, I wore them ALL the time! Often with a blazer. I had a lot of blazers. My God. I was a vision.

  8. I have a cheery thought for you! I figure that since we’ve had below-seasonal temperatures for so long that we are due for a nice long above-average stretch…so that means we are going to have the best summer ever! Trust me…it’s going to happen!

  9. I can’t even imagine going clubbing these days!

    hope you have some fun birthday plans!

  10. Just the thought of going to a club makes my ears hurt. And my back. And the corns on my feet. Pass me the Myoflex!

    In other news, the sun came out today here (Ottawa) after about a million days of rain and cold. It’s still freezing as all get-out but at least when viewed through a window from inside it looks almost…hopeful. I might even put the snowpants away.

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