During our semi-recent trip to Southeast Asia, my husband and I were chatting with some members of our tour group when the topic of travelling with best friends came up. One lovely lady, Helene, gestured to the man beside her. Well, she said, Nick is my best friend. My husband and I exchanged glances, both of us thinking at the same time that we had had the wrong idea all along. Oh, my husband said finally. I thought you two were MARRIED. Helene looked at us strangely. We ARE married, she said. I married my best friend.
I thought that was very sweet, and I am always happy when other people are happy, but wow, I cannot relate at all. Do not get me wrong: I love my husband, we are very compatible, and I enjoy his company immensely. I think we have a beautiful, fun, fulfilling life together, but in no world do I consider him to be my best friend. In my mind, “husband” and “best friend” are two completely separate concepts. If you marry your best friend, then who do you talk about your spouse with? The snake is eating its tail!
For a few months now, I have been intermittently thinking about a situation my friend Swistle (HI SWISTLE) found herself in: she had planned a coffee date with a former colleague, and at the last minute that colleague texted to say that her husband was going to come along. I’ll just let you digest that for a moment. A former colleague casually mentioned that her husband, heretofore unknown to Swistle, was going to join the coffee date scheduled between the two women. Frankly, I would have fallen over like a tree hand-chopped by an old-timey lumberjack with the shock, even if it was one of my friends whose husbands I DO know and am friendly with. Even if said husband was said friend’s best friend, as with Nick and Helene, I would STILL be distressed at the idea. What world do we live in where a coffee date gets crashed by a husband?
Under no circumstances could I fathom just randomly bringing my own husband along to a coffee date with a girlfriend. Still less could I fathom my husband suggesting that he join us. This behaviour is baffling, to say the least. But then! It happened AGAIN. Swistle made another coffee date with this woman and, AGAIN, at the last minute the friend informed her that her husband was going to join them. Twice makes a pattern, in my mind. Once? It’s weird. Twice? Something strange and unsettling is afoot.
My immediate thought was that this man was one of those atrocious, overbearing bores who cannot bear that their wives have a social life outside of their own twosome. I was a bit nervous that perhaps that woman was being, if not abused, then certainly domineered. Then I thought that maybe he was one of those overly-social joes who insist on being the centre of attention and the life of the party, to the detriment of all his relationships. We all know the type; the fellow who thinks everyone benefits from knowing him, and who wants to be involved in everything, all the while irritating every person in his sphere.
Now, one might reasonably say but what about the woman in this scenario? Does she not have any agency and responsibility here? And indeed. I have a tendency, much to my husband and sons’ mild exasperation, to place the blame squarely in the testosterone column in most scenarios, like Miss Cornelia. Isn’t that just like a man? But I am an open-minded person, and so I do feel that some of the onus here is on the woman. Of course, if we are in the first situation, then it is possible she is an exhausted, beaten-down woman who is used to her borderline emotionally-abusive husband not allowing her to exist outside of his realm, and therefore she is deserving of great sympathy. But if it’s the second situation, she might still be exhausted and beaten-down, but in the way of the girlfriend of the guy who is wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a lampshade on his head at every party. Perhaps she’s powerless in the face of his extreme social extroversion, but my own sympathy would be a little stretched. In either case, I want her to rise up, rise up. There is also the scenario in which the couple are best friends, and the woman feels that lives are enriched by knowing her dreamboat husband, and in this case, I have no sympathy whatsoever.
But then a new situation arose in my mind, and in the minds of many of Swistle’s readers, and that is that they are swingers and are courting her. Key parties ahoy! This certainly makes things more interesting, albeit unsettling. I don’t have any swingers in my life – that I know of. Given my history of being completely clueless when someone has been romantically or sexually interested in me until things become SO CLEAR that there is no room for misinterpretation, it’s perfectly possible that I could be courted for swinging without having any idea. I don’t think that’s happening to me, but who can say, really. In any case, I do find the whole concept of swinging to be pretty wild. We all deserve to be happy, and I don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum, but also? I find it kind of distasteful in a fascinating way. I was talking with my son about polyamory and open marriages, and as he succinctly put it: One person is super happy with the whole thing, and the other person has dead eyes. I think that sums it up quite admirably.
Really. Who has the energy? I personally can only manage one dog at a time, let alone anything else. How would anyone get anything done? A long while ago I heard an interview of a woman who had written a book about her open marriage, and to be honest, it all sounded pretty grim and depressing, not to mention logistically complicated.
The truth is I think about this woman all the time. When the interviewer asked her for any product recommendations, this woman touted the benefits of a particular waterproof dog blanket designed to protect upholstery, which she used for her frequent, messy, and fluid-filled sexual encounters. I immediately ordered that exact dog blanket myself, not for my own frequent, messy, or fluid-filled sexual encounters, but for my monogamous dog relationship. It protects the back seat from a certain giant, grubby dog and his frequently messy and, on rainy days, fluid-filled paws. At least twice a day, when we are getting in the car to head to the walking path, the open marriage lady enters my consciousness, and I feel gratitude for her and her desire for clean upholstery.
Weekly Reading
I read three extremely different books this week!
Culpability. A family travelling in a minivan with self-driving capabilities hits and kills an elderly couple in a small car. Whose fault was it? Was it the driver? Or was it the fault of the self-driving vehicle? This was a propulsive read and an interesting story, but it fell really flat for me due to the overblown and on-the-nose writing style, as well as the extensive telling, rather than showing. I found the ending flat and all of the characters to be deeply unlikeable. There are a lot of interesting threads in here, with the basic idea that AI is ruining our world, but I found the execution to be deeply lacking.
Cherry Baby. The flap copy for this book did not at all prepare me for the very lovely story of a marriage torn apart by success, and then brought back together. In fact, the flap copy is quite misleading. Nonetheless! I was so invested in these characters and their story. As well as being a love story in all its iterations, it’s also a statement on going through life in a large body, particularly in this time of GLP-1s. I loved all the characters, I loved the sister chat threads, and I loved the different romances. What an enjoyable read! There is a giant dog named Stevie Nicks, and I am here for it.
Wide Sargasso Sea. When it comes to Jane Eyre, I have always been Team Attic Wife. I mean, who WOULDN’T descend into madness after being taken from the West Indies and made to live alone in an attic in rural England? So I have long wanted to read this book, which is a prequel of sorts, and explains the life of “Bertha,” the wife in the attic – and we discover her name is not Bertha at all. It’s Antoinette, and Rochester, that evil buffoon, randomly changes it. Isn’t that just like a man, to quote Miss Cordelia once more. Anyway, I’m glad I finally read this but be warned: it’s a very complicated and difficult novel to read, with changing points of view and a lot of unspoken nuance. I had to do some research regarding the post-emancipation era in the West Indies, and its colonial history, of which I didn’t know much.
It’s been a fun week, with birthdays and cake and time in the garden. I have another fun week ahead – more birthday celebrations and more cake will be involved! I hope you all have a lovely week. xo
Alright, I’m laughing at the thought of this comment section on Swistle’s blog, where people are suggesting that this potentially swinger couple is courting her. I agree that the whole thing is weird- I would never randomly invite my husband along on a girlfriend coffee date??? People are strange.
I love the photo of Rex, and the fact that the best thing you got out of that book was a great way to keep muddy pawprints off your carseats.
I liked Culpability more than you did. There were some things about it I didn’t love (which at the moment have slipped my mind) but I did care about the characters. I guess I thought it would tackle the legal questions more, rather than being a family drama. But it was pretty good.
Enjoy your continued celebrations and cake!!!
I listened to a podcast called Time Capsule: The Silver Chain. The podcast host stumbled upon an archive of newsletters from a 1970s swingers club in the Minnesota Historical Archives. While they were “anonymous,” the host was able to track down some key members and interview some of them, along with family and friends. It was heartbreaking. I’m almost sure swinging can be done within the confines of a healthy relationship, but I’ve never actually heard of it working that way.
OH! Cherry. What a frustrating character! She cried SO MUCH. I never knew if I should also be upset because she cried all the time. And the complaining about being fat without doing anything about was frustrating. It IS hard to lose weight and it IS hard to be fat. It IS all hard. But life is made up of a serious of hard things and you need to DEAL WITH THINGS. *sigh* I found Cherry to be a complicated character, even more complicated in retrospect, but it made for a frustrating read for me. (Also, this is definitely a ME problem, but dogs never get enough walks in these books. MY ENTIRE LIFE REVOLVES AROUND GETTING HOME TO WALK THE DOG. WHY DOESN’T CHERRY’S LIFE?)
I think the spouse/friend dynamic is probably different, with more gray areas, for lesbians. Beth and I have friends who are friends with both of us, but more so with either me or her. (We also have friends who are definitely her friend or my friend.) In the first case, I would feel fine including Beth in the outing with the more-my-friend, but as part of the initial invite, not as a sudden announcement right before the fact as happened to Swistle. It’s a different kind of get-together. (Today, in fact I am getting together with just such a friend, without Beth.)
I read WSS in college and maybe again in grad school, so it’s been decades, but I do remember liking it.
I put Cherry on my list. I have not read a Rainbow Rowell book in a long time! The first couple I read I really enjoyed (I think they were Eleanor and Park and Attachments) and then I had a couple of hers fall a bit flat (Landline, Fangirl and Wayward Son), so did not carry on. However, if Cherry is like the first couple, sign me up!
I agree with your son re one person enjoying it and one having dead eyes. In my mind it is a band aid when one person really wants to do it with other people, or to have the cow AND the milk at the same time. I listened to an interesting podcast, recommended by Engie, about swingers. Maybe you would like it? It is like true crime but without the crime. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/time-capsule-the-silver-chain/id1730602862
Ha! I just realized that Engie commented too about the same podcast. Whoops!
I really liked Culpability (4.5 stars rounded up to 5) and it reminded me of Good People (which I am just realizing was ALSO about a car accident/family drama/unlikeable people/power/wealth).
The sort of moral and ethical questions AI raises and the grey zones (are they grey or overtly white/black???) of AI and, well, culpability. Agreed that lots of the characters were unlikeable but I did care about them in my own way. I’ll admit I didn’t pay much attention to the writing style, I was just pulled in by the premise.
Okay. I definitely did NOT marry my best friend. I have a really hard time with that characterization of a marriage. How is marriage NOT ruining the friendship? Goodness. (And lest anyone think I am Anti Marriage, let me say that Rick and I have been together for almost 50 years with 45 of those being in our marriage). If he were my best friend, we’d have become estranged about 30 years ago.
Wide Sargasso Sea has been on my radar off and on for decades. I doubt I’ll read it because I am a Literature Purist who has a hard time reading anything that takes characters from a classic and redoes/reinterprets/forms a whole new narrative regarding them. I blame the horrific, terrible, awful, and poorly-written sequel to Gone With The Wind titled Scarlett. I almost burned that thing in my driveway. I know; I need to LIGHTEN UP.
I also did not marry my best friend. Nope nope nope. I got married fairly late in life (age 36) so I had focused on female friendships for MANY years before I met Phil. I do wonder if those who get married younger are more likely to think of their spouse as their best friend? I would venture to guess that is the case for my younger sibling who got married at 21 and has moved multiple times because of her husband’s military job… I cannot fathom my husband crashing a coffee date with a girlfriend. Even if he knew the person really well! For example, my brother’s ex-wife was in town for a concert and I met her for coffee. She wanted to see Phil but Phil bowed out because the conversation is different when there’s a guy there and my SIL and I had some tea to spill. So Phil didn’t need to be the 3rd wheel for that chat.
We do know someone who is in an open relationship but he’s basically in a monogamous relationship with this other woman. And he’ll bring her to social gatherings WITH HIS KIDS ALONG. Now that I am VERY OPPOSED TO. How do you explain that to your children? Mom’s staying back and my side piece is coming to the gathering? It’s just bizarre. You won’t be surprised to hear that I am not at all open minded about polyamorous relationships. Just get divorced if you want to sleep with other people. Sheesh.
I totally see your point about the execution of Culpability. I did ultimately like the book and it made for a good book club discussion.
Well Nicole this one took a turn. I was nodding along – yes I’d not like to have a husband come along on a girlfriend chat, yes I love my husband and love doing this with him but I do need someone to complain about him to. Then maybe they are swingers? That took me by surprise. I have to say reading Swistle’s post before my mind never went there. The phrase “messy and fluid-filled” had me making a yuck face.
I did really enjoy Culpability but love reading your reviews. You are so insightful – I’m always impressed by your in-depth observations.
Over the years I have had friends “show up” with their boyfriends/husbands to something, in my mind, only the two of us were going to. I found the women to be particularly dependant on their partners. I have friends that I’ve known for years that my husband hasn’t even met. These are people I met at work or some function that he wasn’t at, and we hang out outside of my home.
Have you read the book Uncommon Arrangements: Seven Portraits of a Married Life in London Literary Circles, 1910-1939 by Katie Roiphe? I read it years ago, and much like your son’s statement, I remember jealousy was a recurring theme amongst someone in the arrangement. In other words, not everyone has having a good time.
I loved Jane Eyre and I tried to read Wide Sargasso Sea and couldn’t get into it. Your review isn’t encouraging me to try again.
I am currently catching up on Elizabeth Strout books I’ve missed. I just finished Things We Never Say and loved it!
This post was a WILD RIDE, Nicole! I loved it. I too am on the edge of my seat, speculating wildly about Swistle’s friend and her husband and their motives and their relationship and their understanding of social mores. What is going ON there????
Your comment about the snake eating its tail had me giggling. I *do* think of my husband as my best friend… but I also have several other people whom I consider to be my best friends? So maybe I am kind of loosey goosey with the terminology here, lol. Also, unless there are Extraneous Circumstances — which I would do my level best to make clear *in advance* — I cannot imagine just… SPRINGING my husband on what was supposed to be one-on-one time with a friend. That is weird. The whole thing is weird.
Your waterproof sex blanket looks wonderfully robust and Rex looks pleased to be using it for off-label purposes. 😉
I would characterise G as my best friend but also have good friends and my sisters who I can complain about him to. Even so, I would not bring him along to a coffee date with a friend when it was meant to just the two of us. It would certainly change the dynamic.
Your son put it very well in relation to swingers. I have a hard time believing those kind of arrangements are actually mutual.
Nicole! How in the world did you manage to switch tonics from discussing best-friend relationships, Swistle’s very confusing situation with her former coworker, and open marriage to a dog blanket in your car that keeps everything clean from Rex’s dirty paws LOL
I also agree that open marriages and polyamory probably always only benefit ONE person and the other is begrudgingly along for the ride. I personally would find multiple romantic and sexual relationships very exhausting and yeah, logistically almost impossible. Who has the time? I barely have time for my best friends.