Living La Vida Loca

Well, it finally happened: one of my sons came home AFTER I had gotten up for the day. It was only a matter of time before we became ships passing in the night, but the reason for the lateness was so ridiculous that it could have only happened to a teenage boy.

The boys went to a movie with friends on Thursday night; my younger son and his buddies did not have school on Friday because why would they have a full week of school after a three-week exam break and, before that, winter break? My older son didn’t have a shift the next day, so they headed to the movies after I went to bed, i.e., 8:30.

I got up to use the bathroom at 3:00 and noticed that while my younger son’s door was closed, indicating he was home and sleeping, my older son’s was not. Weird, I thought, Is he up playing VIDEO GAMES? He hasn’t done that in a very long time. I peeked outside and his car wasn’t there. I noticed a note in the kitchen, left by my younger son. The note indicated that my older son was waiting with his friend for a tow truck to come for his friend’s car. “EVERYONE IS SAFE” my son had written on the note, circling it several times, god bless.

A few things to note: I know of at least three of my sons’ friends who have crashed their cars on snowy and icy roads, and this particular friend was one of them. I also know of their friends with unreliable vehicles; my younger son regaled me with a story about one friend’s car that stalled out on an extremely busy six-lane thoroughfare, and the three passengers – my son included – had to push it off to the side and do some emergency work to get it moving again. Since my son had indicated that everyone was safe, I assumed hopefully that the situation was more like the latter than the former. In any case, I went back to bed, where I dozed fitfully.

By the time I had gotten up for the day, 75 minutes later, my son still hadn’t arrived, at which point I called him. They were still waiting for a tow, the vehicle was stuck in the snow, everything was fine. Okay.

I did some writing, drank some coffee, and started my yoga practice. Still no son. He finally came home at 5:45, exhausted, to me on the yoga mat and my husband losing his mind over the irresponsibility of youth, when it was revealed that the vehicle stuck in the snow was stuck in the snow in a school field (HOW DID YOU GET INTO A FIELD IS YOUR CAR OKAY WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOUR FRIENDS). I was pretty calm though; the driver is a strict non-drinker, my son’s car was not involved, no one was hurt, there was no damage at all, even to the vehicle in question. It turns out that after the movie and McDonalds, the group got the brilliant idea to drive through the junior high school field in his friend’s MOM’S SUV. To top things off, while on the field the driver thought it would be fun to drive on to the outdoor skating rink, which is surrounded by mounds of snow from where the rink had been shovelled clear. This is where the brilliant plan fell apart, the front wheels on the ice, the SUV bottomed out on the snow, the back tires wedged into the field snow.

Why this seemed like a good idea to anyone, no one can say, but hours of shovelling and wedging boards underneath the tires and even having a couple of passing-by twentysomethings helping, while they (probably drunkenly) laughed hysterically proved futile, and they phoned for a tow. The reason my son stayed was because it was his phone they used – the driver’s phone had died. By the time the tow truck arrived it was discovered that a) the emergency plan did not cover a vehicle not on a legal roadway, and b) they didn’t have a winch to pull it out, so nothing could be done.

In my recent Ask Me Anything, Elisabeth (HI ELISABETH) asked: If one of your sons was about to get married/ enter a long term relationship, what would be your number one piece of advice? Other than stay on legal roadways, I would say that a couple should be in sync for the Big Things. My husband and I differ in many ways and those ways do not bother me much: he eats meat and I do not, he prefers puzzles that are super-difficult and I like the kinds that have lots of individual pictures to work on, he likes TV shows about gold mining in Alaska and people training for the Special Forces whereas I would rather read a book. But on the Big Things – money and raising kids being the top two – we agree. Sometimes, though, our end result is the same but our journey is different, and that is exactly the case for this late night school field caper. My feeling was Alls-Well-That-Ends-Well-What-Have-We-Learned, whereas my husband was WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING YOU IDIOTS DO NOT EVER DO SOMETHING THIS STUPID AGAIN. We get to the same place, but we take a different road to get there.

Part of my calmness stems from the fact that I remember very well what it was like to be young. I very much recall, when I was about sixteen or so, visiting my cousins in the summer and, after we got bored of driving up and down the main drag of their small town for what seemed like hours, we drove through farmer’s fields. Why? Who knows. I also remember being in the car with two girlfriends, and one of them said “Oh, turn right here,” at which point the driver turned right there, as in, into a grassy park, as opposed to turning right at the next possible right-hand turn. Imagine, if you will, three screaming sixteen-year-old girls, in a car stuck in the grass. I don’t remember exactly how we got the car out but it felt harrowing at the time.

Lisa (HI LISA) asked: Is there a stage of parenting you especially loved or loathed? What advice would you give to someone in the earlier stages of parenting like me? I actually have not loathed any stages of parenting; I have enjoyed them all but I will say that my enjoyment has increased as they have gotten older. There are times when I think with affection back to their cute, chubby baby and toddler selves, but I do remember how much physical work it was just to leave the house. I loved their school years and their preteen years, despite the angst and the social and scholastic navigating that had to happen. I think I love the teen years best of all, even when they stay up all night doing stupid things, and even though in the first few months of driving I was on the edge of my seat whenever they were out.

Since I was asked, I will offer two pieces of parenting advice. The first is start now with open communication. I always wanted my kids to be able to talk to me without sneaking around, lying, or deception. It’s easier said than done when the kids admit to something you’re not happy with, like, for example, driving in a friend’s mom’s vehicle through a snowy field. Anyway. Around four years ago, my son was dating a girl who was, according to her parents, not allowed to date until she was 18. The solution to this problem is that she was telling her parents that she was out with girlfriends when she was out with my son. I mentioned this to a friend of mine who said “What? That’s unacceptable! You have to call those parents or tell your son she can’t see her until they are in the know!” Well. That is exactly what I DID NOT do. I wanted at least one adult to be informed, and that adult was going to be me. Forbidding or restricting teens will only blow up in your face, and it will ruin the parent-child relationship. I didn’t want my son to start lying to me about this relationship, so I just listened a lot until the relationship ran its course.

My second piece of advice is something that my friend Allison (HI ALLISON) said many years ago, in the context of chaperoning a field trip, but what I think is a valid process for any occasion: there will be a time after this. It’s a mantra that has gotten me through many times: from my own times of field trip chaperoning to parenting teens through a pandemic and online schooling. One day, I would think, I’ll remember this time as a time that has passed, and now we are in a different time. When things are tough, remember that; there will be a time after this.

Weekly Reading

Carnival of Snackery. I wanted to reread this, David Sedaris’ diaries from 2003-2020, after reading Happy Go Lucky, in which he revealed the disturbing nature of his father’s abuse. Having this information changed the reading experience for sure. There are many anecdotes about his father, and they really hit differently; instead of seeming like a mean-spirited buffoon, his father takes on a whole different persona. I love this book because I can see how some of his essays came about – Carol the fox makes an appearance, and so does his FitBit. It’s endlessly entertaining and often startling, against a changing social and political backdrop.

Bad Vibes Only. For the most part I really enjoyed this book of essays. A few of them didn’t resonate, but for the most part I found these thoughtful and thought-provoking, balanced, and smart. I particularly liked the essays about body image, and I found myself gasping out loud about an essay about a child left in the backseat of a car, and parental judgement.

Convenience Store Woman. This was such an interesting little book about a woman who has always struggled to fit into normal society – until she finds a job at a convenience store, and is able to live with purpose and within defined parameters. But her single status is distressing to those around her, so she takes up with a man who is a grifter and who encourages her to quit to find a better paying job, with which to support him. It’s an unsettling commentary on societal expectations for women, but also a cheer for those who are not neurotypical, and a celebration of differences.

In other, non-human-teen news, Rex went to the groomer’s this week! Here’s the Before and After:

Look at this saucy pose.

We’re just driving on legal roadways, right?

Have a beautiful week, friends! xo

Comments

  1. Nicole, I think your advice on parenting is the best I’ve heard. Open communication and patience. You’re right that most times “there will be a time after this.” What a wonderful mantra. With one older teen at home and a sweet 20+ year old out on their own, I miss, miss, miss babyhood and toddlerhood, and tweens, and teens, seeing those two faces at breakfast time and dinner time and all of that. I wish I could relive those years over again!

    Rex looks so grownup and ready for a serious job after his haircut and like such an adorable scallywag in the before… I wouldn’t be able to pick a favorite version!

  2. Also, what a harrowing night! It sounds like everyone was safe all the while though? Maybe some lessons were learned?

    Your “turn right” story had me in stitches, because I’ve turned into many a parking lot when thus instructed (instead of turning into the highway exit as I was meant to) :D.

  3. Wow, that sounds like quite an ordeal. I bet they’ll all be telling that story for years.

  4. i have to start with Rex- HEE HEE!!! He looks DAPPER after his trip to the groomer! The “saucy pose” is the best.
    What a night. I like the reassurance on the note “everyone is safe.” I’m sure there were some valuable lessons learned! Staying up all night waiting for a tow truck is a perfect example of experiencing “logical consequences” for one’s actions- no further punishment is needed.
    I completely agree with your advice about open communication, but this was a good reminder. My daughter seems comfortable telling me just about everything that’s going on, and lately it’s been a little hard to listen non-judgmentally. Something for me to keep in mind, because I don’t want her to stop talking to me.

  5. Oh boy. This driving onto a field story and the two different reactions of you and your husband was so entertaining. I love how you are able to see that the two of you have a different approach, but that you ultimately have the same parenting though. Well done, you. I’m glad everyone was OK, but part of me wondered if Lad had traveled to Canada last week. Always with the phone dying. ALWAYS.

    Your advice is gold. I’m grateful that most of my kids are comfortable turning to me, confiding in me, sharing their difficulties and challenges. Lad doesn’t do that, and I wish he would feel more willing to come to us, but he is wired differently and I’ve been telling him recently that I’m open to it – should he want to talk.

    One of my willing-to-share offspring is going through a very challenging situation. My heart breaks for this kid. I’m glad he/she knows they have my support. He/she ended our last text exchange with I DON’T WANT YOU TO WORRY AOBUT ME. Well, that’s easier said than done. I am aware that there will be a time after this and that is a comfort. Still, hard.

    When I have an opening in my book club books, I really want to read David Sedaris. I have yet to read one of his books and I think I will really like them.

    Rex is so dang cute. Love his coloring, and his size. He is enormous, but I guess you know that. His face in the furry picture seems to say I HAVE A WILD SIDE. And if I was captioning the groomed photo, it would be: WELP. THIS WASN’T MY DOING.

    • Hahahaha!!! True about the grooming BUT he is a cold-weather dog and even though it’s February, and winter, I think he was getting too hot with all his fur. He has a spring to his step.
      I’m sorry about your kid’s challenging situation. It’s HARD to see the kids work through their struggles and although you know there will be a time after this, it’s still really, really hard.

  6. Oh kids these days – they’re alright! You can’t tell someone “don’t go off the road”, you have to let them go off the road to see why it’s a bad idea.

    As a stepmom I missed the early years, so I can only speak to grade school to late high school, but I agree that there are no bad stages – just different stages and it’s so fun to see the tiny humans grow up.

  7. As a teenage girl who did a few irresponsible things I have to say that I understand why the idea seemed like a good one to the boys. Not that I was with high school friends and one winter night we drove through a city park just to see if we could. We couldn’t, but my mother came to our rescue, towed my friend’s car out of the mud and ice, and never told on us to any of my friends’ parents. She figured we’d learned our lesson– and we had.

  8. Your paragraph on parenting and open communication sounds exactly like my philosophy. I’ve always wanted my boys to come to me knowing I’d have an open mind. As they’ve gotten older we’ve had numerous mature conversations about the fact that they know and appreciate they have our support. I never shied away from explaining that that didn’t mean that getting into trouble was consequences free however 😂. The deal is they meet our expectations and stay out of trouble and life will go swimmingly for all of us! All this to say that like you I look back at the little boy years with misty eyes but love the teens into adult years very much!
    P.S. Rex is the goodest boy! I love his fuzzy face❤️
    P.P.S. Happy to see you on the leaderboard from time to time..🙌🏻

    • I love seeing your name on the leaderboard too!
      And yes, of course there are always consequences, but sometimes the experience itself is its own consequence, if you know what I mean!

  9. I AM DYING AT THE CAR STORY. THIS IS SO RELATABLE. OMG! Last summer, my oldest and his idiot friends were DRIVING THEIR CARS THROUGH OUR NEIGHBORHOOD SHOOTING PAINT GUNS OUT THAT WINDOW AT EACH OTHER. WHAT THE ACTUAL EFF. I just cannot even. My whole goal as a parent is to have kids who never feel like they have to lie to me, so this advice really resonates– thank you! Thanks for reminding me about Bad Vibes– it was on my radar and then fell off– requesting form the library right now.

    • GUYS, NO, WHAT. That is exactly my goal too – don’t lie! I try to make them feel comfortable always telling the truth. I’m sure it doesn’t always happen, but we are pretty open around here.

  10. I read Convenience Store Woman years ago and I still think about it. I don’t know exactly WHAT I think about it, but I find myself wondering about the inner lives of the invisible workers I don’t see who make my life easier and better.

    Ah, the joys of youth. It’s lovely that you got a note and that he answered the phone. I mean, he was responsible in his own way, right?

    Rex is such a handsome boy. I bet the groomer loved working with him.

    • What I really loved about CSW is that she struggled so much to fit in, and found a place where she did fit in. And then, when she succumbed to pressure to do OTHER things to fit in (find a MAN, what even) it was disastrous until she got back to her calling. I really liked it.

  11. I couldn’t help but notice… Nose Hill Library? I have so many great visions of what this looks like.

  12. I don’t miss the days of lying awake at night worrying, or in this case, waking up to worry. I’m glad that everything is fine.

    In the article I read before reading this post, I came across the book Convenience Store Woman. The universe is trying to tell me something.

    Rex looks fabulous with his new haircut! ❤️❤️❤️

  13. Oh my gosh, your stories are bringing me back to my childhood. Your son sounds responsible and it is so good to have open communication and they won’t become trustworthy if they don’t get a chance to! One time I was out with my friends and I was turning around on a dark road and I ran over an unseen pile of black asphalt and high centered my car. It was probably around 11 pm or thereabouts and I called AAA and had the tow truck get me off the pile and we went about our night. Everyone was okay and I learned my lesson and did not need my parents to give me any grief over it as I had already given myself enough (and could not believe my own mistake!) I think sometimes you need space to make your own mistakes and learn from them in your own way!

  14. Oh my gosh! Kids! Thankfully they are fine. And they’ve learned a valuable lesson in there somewhere, I’m sure. And at least the oldest had the common sense to let the younger one know so he could leave that note; very responsible behavior.

    Rex is such a handsome boy!

    • Well, the boys were actually out TOGETHER – the youngest came home after they had to call the tow truck, and wrote the note. The oldest stayed because they used his phone to call the tow truck!

  15. Rex looks happier in the before picture. My dog is the same way. He’s beautiful, however.

    Oh goodness, what an adventure. I also remember stupid things that we did when I was young. Camping in Yosemite, and our car was broken into BY A BEAR, and we didn’t tell our parents because we feared they might make us come home. You think? We stayed 2 or 3 more nights.

    I have enjoyed all of the different stages of parenting, with the definite exception of my daughter’s extreme anxiety and her eating disorder in middle school. That shit was HARD. The up side is that I learned a lot about myself, and what a strong person I could be to fight against anyone trying to hurt my daughter, including her. I don’t write about it on my blog, btw. It’s not my story to tell.

  16. Rex is going to break the internet. Seriously. Those eyes, Nicole!

    What a story. I agree with others that this will be told for many, many years to come. I had to laugh when you said: “We get to the same place, but we take a different road to get there.” I feel like my husband and I take turns on who is the one saying “All’s well that ends well” while the other one is freaking out!

    And can I just say how much I LOVE that your kids leave notes to help ease anxiety. I feel like you’ve written about similar things before and what a lovely sign of respect and maturity to do this!!

  17. I enjoyed your comment on A Grace Full Life, so dropped over from there. Loved your story about your sons. As someone who did idiotic things as a teen, I cut my kids a lot of slack. However, I did feel as though my son’s poor choices were just not thinking things through, whereas my daughters’ bad ideas were premeditated evil. Lol!

    I’m also a huge Sedaris fan. Any of his essays on travel always slay me. My husband and I both grew up with dysfunctional parents and siblings, so I find a lot of his family stories relatable. Thanks for a great read this morning.

    • Hi! Welcome! Thanks so much for reading and commenting. Yes, I also did many stupid things as a teen so I feel like *shrug* as long as everyone is safe!
      Sedaris is SO funny! I don’t enjoy his fiction but his essays are top-notch.

  18. I’m so glad everyone was safe and I love your open communication philosophy.

    I enjoyed Bad Vibes Only probably to a similar amount as you did, and I’ve just reserved Convenience Store Woman at the library!

    Rex looks adorable. Very smart. I imagine that Coco might flatter her eyelids at him.

  19. OMG, Rex’s saucy pose is everything! Put this dog on a calendar or something! He has such sass!

    I love your parenting advice. There will be a time after this is helpful. I am definitely struggling a bit in the toddler phase because the tantrums are so very epic and can last for quite some time… but then he chills out and goes back to being his sweet, adorable self.

    OMG. Teens. They make the craziest decisions! There are plenty of horrible stories of things my brothers did when they were young. I remember them having huge parties when they were supposed to be watching us while my parents were out. I remember going around and picking up beer cans in a huge black garbage bag. Not sure why I was doing that. Did I take it upon myself to be useful? Or was I instructed? I don’t recall. But it’s kind of weird to think back on that!

    Your advice about the big stuff for relationships is so key. Phil and I are also very different but we agree on the big stuff. We had so many conversations before we got engaged. Many of my friends commented that we’d discussed more before we got engaged that they had in the first 5+ years of marriage. We were older when we got engaged, though, and wanted to go into it with both eyes wide open and to know where we disagreed/agree/what we needed to work through versus just assuming we’d figure it out. Assuming you will figure it out can work but it can also blow up in your face…

    • TEENS! They haven’t had any big parties when we’ve been gone but I think I mentioned that they did have friends over and DRANK MY HUSBAND’S PATRON TEQUILA WITH ROOT BEER MIXERS. I mean. Guys. Drink the cheap booze!
      It’s just so important to agree on the big stuff – the little stuff, when we disagree I can handle it.

  20. Sounds like a rough night, but your kids handled it well. And you also handled it well! And oh, my goodness, what a good, handsome boy!!! (Rex, of course!)

  21. OH BOY… what a story! hahaha! My oldest will get his temporary driver’s license this upcoming summer when he turns 15, and I’m already freaking out so much. We’re technically in the teen years already over here, but I feel like the pre-driving teen life is not the same as post-driving teen life. I am trying to hang on to this last little bit right now where they are still a little more on the child-like side of things… it all is going so fast. But I do really love a lot of things about this stage, too. I love being able to have real, deep, actual conversations with them about things, and can I just say how amazing it is to have kids that can STAY HOME ALONE while you do whatever you want/need to!!! The little kid stuff is cute, but I think I agree with you- I don’t “actually” want to go back to some of those stages, as sweet and adorable as they were. 🙂

    • When the boys first got their licenses, I was pretty nervous and had them text me when they got to where they were going. Now, though, I’m really used to it! And it’s SO NICE that they can drive themselves places and don’t need me to do it! Although I do miss car conversations…

  22. That response about agreeing on the BIG things really resonated with me! My guy and I are incredibly different – to the point folks didn’t believe we were together after we’d been together an extended amount of time, haha! But, while we differ in personality and hobbies, we line right up in terms of what we think is important, our little family, and hopes for our future. I enjoy how varied we are (even if finding a show to agree on takes lengthy negotiations!)…

  23. I really like “There will be a time after this”. It feels hopeful and forward-thinking. I’ve had a doozy of a few days…it’s a tough time for one of my teens and the last few days were particularly hard. But, yesterday was better and, so far, today is going ok. Yes, there will be a time after this.

    I also fully agree that sometimes the consequences are “punishment” enough although i truly hate the idea of punishment. My teen driver got himself into a little situation on an icy dirt road, but no one was hurt, the car was fine and he fixed the problem himself. And, yes, learned that he really needs to SLOW DOWN A LOT on our rural dirt roads. Sometimes, they need to experience the problem themselves to really learn. And, we just hope and hope that the problems remain relatively minor.

    Take care.

    • Oh I’m so sorry you’re having a tough time with one of your teens. That’s so hard.
      YES, in that we hope that the problems remain minor and they learn from it! Some kids make mistakes and they are…well, not to get dark, but pretty bad. Take care, Chrisoula, I hope things continue on their upward trajectory.

  24. Erin Etheridge says

    The thing about Rex is, I absolutely cannot. He is and this is not an exaggeration one of the cutest dogs I have ever seen.

    Also as promised I found the mid90s photo of me with leather jacket and matching beret/gloves/scarf photo: https://photos.app.goo.gl/o6WmHW3iwsDdNGYS7

  25. Oh my goodness that story about getting stuck in a field is too much ….and just so “teenage boy”. Having raised 3 I’ve heard a few of those stories & a have few grey hairs to show for them. My 3 clowns were almost always the ones who made the dumb decisions. I thank the lord that they are all now adults doing well! Rex is so handsome. I love the saucy pose; too cute

  26. Oh my gosh with the teens and the car situation! KIDS!! I know that they all learned a lesson on this night and thankfully no humans were harmed. (the car? Maybe will have wounds) What I love the most is that your other son left you a note letting you know ALL IS OK! How sweet? You have done such an amazing job with your boys; we need more parents like you raising good, young men.

    REX IS THE HANDSOMEST!

    I’m reading David Sedaris’s ‘Dress your family in corduroy and Denim’ right now and it’s a great read! This guy (and his siblings) had such a weird childhood; makes mine look idyllic.

  27. I read this but I don’t think I commented on it at the time, but HOO BOY. Cannot WAIT for the teen years (sarcasm font). It’s good that your kid was only tangentially involved, but I am continuously shocked and appalled that we allow people without fully formed prefrontal cortexes to operate heavy machinery!

    This also brought back some memories of truly ridiculous situations I found myself in when I was a teen. Not too many — I wasn’t particularly popular, so I managed to avoid being around most of the biggest scandals in our hometown. (Once, a group of 18-year-olds drove up to Canada, where they bought a ton of beer and tried to bring it back across the border to the US, where the drinking age is 21. I think it was VERY LUCKY that one of the border patrol agents was the parent of one of the kids, otherwise I think they would have been in massive trouble.)

    • Oh, hahahaha!!! Yeah, that’s not the best idea. The driving thing, though – it gets easier as the kids get older. I was stressed all the time when my older son first started driving, and now I am so much less so. I mean, when they are driving in actual streets.

  28. I totally agree. My daughter talks to me a lot and it’s because she trusts me. It’s hard though-there’s so much anxiety around parenting. My husband and I just vent to one another when she’s not around.

  29. Oh my goodness, what a story! I’m glad everyone was okay in the end, and how thoughtful of your son to leave a note and keep you updated. I agree open communication is so key. My mom was great about that and it meant my brother and I always felt like we could come to her and tell her anything. My brother is really struggling with my older nephew now (he’s 14), and I do not envy anyone dealing with teenagers. It’s a hard stage!

  30. bibliomama2 says

    I read this but I think I somehow didn’t comment, or it got lost? HI NICOLE. I absolutely cackled reading this, mostly because I am right with you on all the parenting vibes. It’s funny because it wasn’t his car and no one got hurt! Once I got up in the middle of the night and found a note from Angus saying he couldn’t sleep so his girlfriend picked him up and they went to McDonalds and he understood if I hated him (!). I thought it was really cool, actually, and appreciated the note. And I know I can’t be sure that my kids tell me everything, but given the things they HAVE felt comfortable telling me, I can’t imagine what they might be leaving out. Also, I am newly upset that I’ve never gotten to meet Mark and Jake.

  31. I couldn’t help but notice… Nose Hill Library? I have so many great visions of what this looks like

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