There are some chores, or “care tasks,” that only I do around the house. For example, I and I alone obtain groceries and make dinner Every Single Day, clean the hard-water marks off the shower doors, and take the Dove soap box from the bathroom countertop and place it in the recycling when a new bar is put into the shower, no matter who puts the new bar into the shower, even though every single person walks by the recycling bin many times a day. Sometimes when I feel resentful about these little chores, I remember that there are many things that happen around the house with no intervention on my part. I don’t think that I have changed a lightbulb since the 90s, for example. The dishwasher is almost always emptied by one of my sons, sometimes very late at night when they nosing around the kitchen for a snack, but hey, I don’t have to do it. The lawn gets mowed and the sidewalks get shoveled, the gutters are cleaned, and toilet paper rolls are always replaced and, mysteriously, the old cardboard roll is recycled at least half the time, rather than left to sit on the bathroom countertop like its friend the Dove soap box.
The biggest task that I do not ever deal with, however, is vehicular maintenance. I have a mental block when it comes to cars and it is only recently that a light can come on in the car and I do NOT start breathing rapidly and blinking away tears. Between my handy younger son and my husband, the snow and all-season tires are put on, taken off, and rotated when needed, and all the maintenance is taken care of. I don’t even know how to open the hood of the car, let alone check my oil, and I do not want to learn.
About a month ago my husband took my car out and said in an alarmed way that it was overdue for an oil change. At the dealership where we bought the car in 2013, we get free oil changes for…life? I don’t know. My husband has been under a lot of stress with his job; this is nothing new, he has been under incredible stress with his job since 2018, but it has been significantly ramped up in the last few months, which is how he missed his internal alarm that somehow knows when all the cars need to get oil changes.
Well. I am woman! I am strong! I am invincible! I decided that I would call the dealership to see if we needed an appointment for an oil change, or if I could just drive through, like in the pre-Covid days. I spoke with a very nice person who looked up my car history and said that I was actually due for maintenance, and that they were booking into December, and so I scheduled an appointment for last Tuesday, December 6 at 9:00 am. I hung up feeling very proud of myself until my husband asked do we really need maintenance or were you upsold. Well. How would I know. HOW WOULD I KNOW. My feelings of self-satisfaction were immediately eclipsed by feelings of rage and resentment that this was even a question for me AFTER I CALLED THE DEALERSHIP ALL BY MYSELF BECAUSE I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR.
The car WAS due for maintenance, by the way.
Here’s a funny thing about Calgary weather, for those of you who don’t know: it is extremely volatile. Temperatures can rise and fall twenty degrees in a twenty-four hour period. We can go from mild to painfully cold and back again in no time at all. It just so happened to be a very volatile week, temperature-wise, and Tuesday just happened to be the day that was marked by Extreme Cold, Snow, and Blowing Snow. Basically, a blizzard.
My younger son needed to be at school early, as his gym class was going curling, and so I dropped him off at 8:05 in time to get the bus. It is generally a twenty-minute drive to the dealership, but conditions were bad, and I thought that even if I got to the dealership before nine, I could just drop the car early. My husband thought that the appointment would be a quick one, and that I should take a book with me in case I just wanted to stay there for an hour. That sounded great to me; an uninterrupted hour of reading, while drinking probably bad coffee? Lovely.
My twenty-minute drive turned into fifty minutes of white-knuckle driving on roads that were either black ice or with lanes completely obscured by snow. There was so much morning traffic, the sun was barely coming up, and the snow was blowing, making visibility very low. By the time I got to the dealership, it was just before nine, and I was completely frazzled. I was also appreciative of the very handsome, bearded young man who checked my car in to its appointment; it is unusual for me to encounter such a person, let alone in the morning. I asked him approximately how long it would take, thinking that if it was only an hour I’d be happy to alternate looking at him and reading my book, but he said it would be three hours and he would order me an Uber.
This is where I should note that this was my first Uber ride ever, and I have joined the modern age at last. I also knew from listening to Were You Raised By Wolves that if someone else orders an Uber for you, then even the tip is taken care of, so I was doubly excited. My Uber driver was very friendly, and we ended up in a long and involved conversation about the merits of Calgary weather versus that of Winnipeg, where he originally hailed from, as well as crime rates, housing prices, and gangs. The conversation got so involved that he missed my exit, which, you guys, maybe I need to talk less? I am aware that I am the architect of my own problems, like my ninety-minute dental appointments and, apparently, Uber drivers missing turnoffs. With the conditions, it was not easy to adjust for the wrong turn, but eventually I did make it home, close to ten o’clock.
I quickly put on all the layers to walk Rex, thinking I only had a couple of hours to do that and then shower before I would have to head out again. I zoomed around, and then waited. And waited. Three hours became four, and then five, at which point I called the dealership and they said it was still in the shop. By this time my older son was home and offered to drive me when I needed it, rather than taking an Uber. Possibly he worried that if I took another Uber, I would end up chatting too much and would never make it to the dealership. I don’t know. I waited.
Finally, nearly seven hours after dropping off the car, my son came into the living room, texting. Dad says it’s time for us to go now. Wait, what. The dealership did not call me, but instead called my husband, to tell him that the car needed brake pads along with something else, you know what, I have no idea what it was. It was probably better that they called him but still I felt slighted. What happened to being woman and hearing me roar? Then, my husband just texted my SON to tell him to take me to the dealership, and no one thought to text ME. Well, anyway, after a day of waiting around, I was happy to finally have some closure, and we went for another hair-raising drive on icy, snow-covered roads with little visibility, and now it was getting dark, too.
By the time we got there, it was well after four o’clock, and I was hoping to get home before the sun went down completely. I found my car in the lot, only to discover that it had been in the very warm shop and then taken out into the minus 23 degree weather, which meant that the windows were all completely frosted over ON THE INSIDE. Have you ever tried to scrape windows from the inside, with a long-handled scraper that is curved FOR USE ON THE OUTSIDE? It was not easy. Between my near-useless scraping, trying not to take out my own eye with the end of the snow brush, and the defrost on high, I finally had enough visibility to get back on the road, fifteen minutes later. By this point, the sunset had happened, and I was driving in the dark, in the blowing snow, on ice and in rush-hour traffic.
The sole upside was that by the time I was near home, my son was almost done wrestling practice, so I swung by the school to pick him up. While I waited, I stared out the window, completely exhausted, and vowed to never do another car maintenance thing ever again. I can roar in other ways. Maybe I’ll change a lightbulb.
Weekly Reading
Phosphorescence. After a prolonged illness and several surgeries, the author of this incredibly interesting and well-researched book started to consider phosphorescence, or the things that make the world light up. Including ourselves, from within. She discusses modern lives and the lack of nature, how paying attention to life brings joy, and introduces the concept of freudenfruede, the idea that others’ successes bring us personal happiness – the opposite of schadenfreude. As Moira from Schitts’ Creek says, when one of us shines, we all shine. Also, note for Erin (HI ERIN) there is a Yiddish word, nachas, which indicates pride in someone else’s accomplishments, usually our children. I really liked that part; there is enough for all of us, success isn’t part of a finite pie, and we can derive joy from others’ happiness. We are not in a zero-sum game, here.
One thing I did not like in this book was the author’s discussion about complaining about small problems in our lives, and how we should never do it. I get it. When you are near-death, or are experiencing a devastating illness and day-to-day agonizing pain, I am sure you would welcome all the little daily irritants as just proof that you’re alive. Nevertheless I don’t think it’s healthy to say that no one should complain ever because that seems like a recipe for ulcers and mental illness. Of course, this is coming from a person who just wrote 1500 words about taking her car in for servicing. STILL. A paper cut isn’t a broken leg, but it still hurts, and we can acknowledge that. Taking a car in for servicing during a blizzard isn’t mourning the loss of a loved one, but we can still talk about it.
Other than that, the book really was lovely. As a memoir, well, I’d say only about a third at most can be considered memoir, but it’s a fascinating look at faith, grace, justice, and the pursuit of silence.
This Time Tomorrow.
If you know how I feel about time travel as a literary device and concept (I loathe it) you might be surprised that I picked this book up at all, as the premise is a woman travelling from her 40th birthday to her 16th, and back again. I really like the author so I read it. I still don’t like time travel but I did enjoy this book despite that. It’s thought provoking in that the trajectory of our lives can change so easily. I often think, if I had done this instead of that, would I still be here? It’s interesting to think of all the little paths that we choose and don’t choose, and how they create our lives.
Saturday was our two month Rex-aversary, and it’s hard to remember what it was like without him! Well, my reading glasses didn’t constantly get wagged off the coffee table, I guess that was what it was like. I hope you all have a cozy week – with no vehicular issues! – with lots of treats and other lovely things. xo
Oh, that picture of you and Rex! 💗 His face says: “this is MY mom, don’t you dare bother her.”
I hear your roar on the vehicular maintenance, Nicole. Somehow, despite all my feminist thunder, there are many tasks that fall along gendered lines in our household too. My car is electric, so apparently there’s only one chamber under the hood and I couldn’t go wrong in refilling the windshield wiper fluid in the correct chamber… but I’ve never done it.
I liked the Emma Straub too! (I did think the protagonist never really addressed a lot of her privilege though. She’s a bit of a “nepo baby” but pretends as though she really needs her job and her crappy apartment etc.)
Oh yes! I agree about the book. I forgot to mention I was quite charmed by the idea of Pomander Walk and I looked it up and it is just the cutest little area! I would imagine it’s $$$ though.
Ugh, cars. I’m glad you wrote this, because I always feel slightly guilty for leaving car stuff up to my husband. i console myself with the fact that he LIKES dealing with the cars. Having said that, my tire pressure warning light is on, and my husband was incredibly busy this weekend, so… I’m going to put air in the tires myself today, which is causing me some anxiety. It’s completely ridiculous because I’ve done it before (not often, but I HAVE done it) and it’s pretty self explanatory, but still… it’s not my favorite activity.
I LOVE the picture of Rex! But I’m counting four stockings hanging in the background… Rex needs a stocking for all his Christmas presents! Our cats each have their own stocking and even the guinea pigs have one (although, the three guinea pigs share one stocking- i have to draw the line somewhere.)
Hahaha, not to worry, although Rex does not have a stocking he has wrapped gifts under the tree!
I enjoy Time Travel as a literary device, and I enjoyed the crap out of This Time Tomorrow. It was very different from many time travel novels, and I liked that particular twist.
I liked how she wanted to go back in time to see her dad and to help him be well in the future!
I’m feeling second-hand irritation for the car servicing! How very annoying. Hooray for 2 months of Rex!
It was all SO annoying!
It’s interesting because car chores have defaulted to me over the years because I have traditionally had a more flexible schedule that allowed for me to go to appointments in the middle of the day. That still doesn’t prevent me from freaking out every single time, thinking they’re going to tell me there is something majorly wrong and I will probably die in a fiery crash if something isn’t fixed ASAP. We also live really far away from a dealership, so I’ve waited for upwards of five or six hours in a dealership lobby before. It’s A. Thing. and I’m jealous that you’ve somehow managed to avoid it!
Rex is such a good boy. Look at those giant paws!
Engie, that is exactly how I feel – like the car is going to spontaneously combust if I don’t Do Something Immediately.
I’m laughing because the last time that I took my car in, the shop called the hubs to tell him it was ready and not me. But that’s because it’s “his” shop. We have other services that we both use where the account is under my name, so I get the phone calls even for his appointments so it all balances out.
Yes I know that Calgary is north of me but it’s sobering to think that you’ve already had a white-knuckle driving day. So far we’ve just had a dusting of snow here and there. You’re making me appreciate home!
I MEAN REALLY. It was probably better that they called my husband because I would have probably started crying when they said they had to, I don’t know, replace the brake pads. But still!
Oh gosh, white knuckle driving can start in October!
The weather in Calgary sounds a lot like the weather in northern Illinois. I know how aggravating it can be to go to a male-dominated business like auto maintenance.
I love the fact that Rex has you and you have Rex. ❤️
The weather is NUTS, however, volatility means that we can have some nicer days too.
Oh how I love Rex, right down to his coloring. Those white paws, so cute.
I hear you on how some things that just automatically fall to me, but I do not handle anything related to the lawn and I’m grateful for that.
The car appointment is mind-blowingly long. Our mechanic calls me and then I call Coach, usually – sometimes after some serious deep-breathing exersizes as I accept the often $$$ news.
While I have been in an uber, I am not great at ordering ubers and refuse to have the app on my phone because they once failed to show up when I REALLY needed to be somewhere. I had a court appearance in order to get my drivers license back in ’16 after having too many speeding tickets in a short amount of time. Someone else ended up ordering the uber for me and I made it in time. Not sure if you were reading my blog back in the days of OH NO, I HAVE ANOTHER TICKET, but there’s your fun fact about me for today. 😉
It’s always something with cars! So expensive!
Ugh ugh ugh everything about the maintenance story! It is the worst, Nicole! My dad is, like your husband, A Car Guy, and so things all make sense to him and he knows the right questions to ask and whether things are REALLY necessary or not, while I feel like I am being cheated 100% of the time. And they called YOUR HUSBAND! And it took SEVEN HOURS! Omg omg! Every time I take my car to the dealer — Every. Time. — I vow to take a class in car maintenance because I hate that feeling of being useless and probably being taken advantage of. (It’s not a long-lasting feeling because I have never followed through, but it is a STRONG feeling!)
And also! The invisible Dove soap box is something I can relate to so deeply. Some tasks make themselves known only to me, (and to you) apparently!
Isn’t it the worst? And the thing is, I have a complete block when it comes to cars. Like, my brain immediately shuts off!
Oh my goodness that day sounds like an ordeal! I certainly know the feeling of doing everything and wondering how people can’t notice something as simple as an empty soap box. I am impressed that they change toilet rolls and empty the dishwasher without being reminded! My kids all had jobs but usually needed a nudge or two. My 3 boys had their own bathroom and occasionally I’d go in and find 7 or 8 partly used toilet rolls scattered around. Really? Fortunately in their own places now they have figured out the technicality of changing a roll. I did enjoy the Emma Staub book, but I do usually enjoy time travel books. I am currently reading The Godmother, by Barbie Latza Nadeau. It’s about the women in the Italian mafia; holy moly it is unbelievable, very, very disturbing at times but fascinating. Just wow. This journalist is so brave, and maybe a little foolish, to have done the research & interviews.
Yes, they are pretty good about jobs around the house – except the soap box, I have no idea why! That book sounds really interesting! I think I’ll look into it.
I’ve only started doing vehicular stuff in the past few years, and I still don’t like it, but the staff at our garage is very good at not talking down to me so it’s not the worst, but your day does sound like the literal worst – getting condescended to AND having to still do the thing.
I love time travel books although somehow ones about women traveling back to their teenaged years do not appeal to me. The phosphorescence book sounds really cool, but I am totally with you on it not being fair to expect people never to complain about anything that might be considered trivial. Sometimes the little escape valves are the only way we don’t break down entirely, and things can be hard even when other people have it harder.
Right? I mean, this woman went through hell and back, so I get her perspective, but still. It seems if we never complained about anything…well, my blog would be largely absent, I guess.
What a lousy way to spend a day. A few years ago my husband volunteered to be in charge of my car’s maintenance, taking it in when necessary. Up until that point I’d always been adamant about me taking care of my car. I was woman, hear me roar, too. Now I am much happier and consider all things car to be all things male. Am I weak or practical, that’s really the question?
Ally, I am going to go with practical!
This was the PERFECT essay, Nicole.
I can’t think of anything that is 100% my husband’s? He travels so much that I can’t ever really assign things “to him.” I do handle a lot of car maintenance, but I LOVE our mechanics and trust them so much, so that really helps. But I hate, hate, hate dealing with contractors. It causes me so much anxiety and I’ve had some really hard experiences. My husband doesn’t get stressed by it at all (but he also hasn’t had the same hard experiences)…but he’s not always home when we’ve had work done. My anxiety levels GO. THROUGH. THE. ROOF.
Also, 1000x times yes to this: “A paper cut isn’t a broken leg, but it still hurts, and we can acknowledge that. Taking a car in for servicing during a blizzard isn’t mourning the loss of a loved one, but we can still talk about it.” Every story and pain is a story and pain and we don’t have to compare each one against some worst-case-scenario. It’s okay to feel the hard and acknowledge it. We can appreciate having perspective on the severity of the issue, without having to discard our right to be upset or tired! I have been withering the last few weeks with sick kids and I keep berating myself every time I complain (I try to use the word “lament”) because I know I have things SO good. A free health care system. A warm, stable home. A support network. Almost certainly nothing severe wrong with my kids. Again, life is so good. And yet, I’m exhausted and frustrated and going crazy having sick kids home all day every day. And it’s okay to say: This is hard. It sucks. I really wish everyone was well enough to attend holiday events and GO TO SCHOOL.
So, yeah…I really needed to read that today <3
Well, Elisabeth, having sick kids and a travelling husband is HARD. Sure, we do have good things but also, those are really hard to deal with! And it’s okay that it’s hard! Some people have it worse for sure but that doesn’t mean IT TOTALLY SUCKS AHHHHHHHHH! I remember once they had the barfing flu on and off for like ten days when they were really small and it honestly felt like the end of the world.
You make me laugh every post. You are a woman warrior because I would have canceled the car service because I wouldn’t ever drive in a blizzard, but that might be because I lived most of my life in Southern California. Seriously, now that I live in Washington state, I cancel plans if there’s one snowflake. Better to sit inside and drink hot cocoa than go out in the snow.
Oooh I like that – but if I did that I would never leave the house! It’s a snowy place I live in!
In defense of the dealership, odds are they have your husband’s number in their files and not yours. And believe me, it’s better that way. Because otherwise they will tell you about the brake pads or whatever and it would freak you out.
Your description of the driving conditions was giving me heart palpitations. There is no way I could deal with that!
Oh I agree, Gigi. They did have his number (although, I did give them mine, but honestly, I don’t need/ want to know).
One thing about living here is that you just get used to driving in inclement conditions!
First of all, Rex’s enormous paws 😍. Second, naches!! Love it!! I wish I knew more Yiddish; in many ways my interior person is a Jewish man in his 60s. I know this because I have a friend who is a Jewish man in his 60s and we are hilariously similar in some ways.
The car maintenance thing really grinds my gears, pun intended. Although in my household the thing I Will Not Do is take the young children to the dentist. They always seem to want to do X-rays and dental work on baby teeth and my husband has second guessed my decisions on that front despite the fact that I was the one with toddlers at a dental office for three hours. So now he does it. The last time he not subtly wanted me to take them, asking “well what time would work best?” To which I replied, “whichever time you can go without involving me.” We have fun.
This cracked me right up, Erin! I got a little hot just thinking about having decisions second guessed after being in a dental office with toddlers. NOPE.
As soon as I saw that word I took a photo of the page, because I thought ERIN NEEDS THIS INFO.
Oh goodness. I don’t do the car stuff either. Car dealerships irritate me to no end and I just can’t handle it! I’m glad your car maintenance ordeal is OVER and I hope your husband takes care of it all forever and ever, amen.
Thanks Katie, I think that is going to be the case from now on!
Car maintenance is so dreadful, yet you put a hilarious spin on it! Thank you for so many good laughs! And seriously, you handled the situation beautifully! Roar!!!
ROOOOOAAAARRRRR (I felt like curling up on the floor after that!)
Oh man, this is my 3rd attempt at commenting. I suck at commenting on my phone! But here goes – 3rd times the charm right? I don’t handle car maintenance either. My husband is a questioner whereas I am someone who believes experts. So he will push back on recommendations from maintenance people whereas I am like, ‘well he said I needed a new air filter and who am I to question an expert??
I had to laugh at the Uber driver missing your exit. We are polar opposites in our chattiness with strangers! When I travel for work, I will get the Uber that lets you set your conversation preference! I think it’s Uber black? And then I select no talking. I know that sounds awful but I really dislike small talk with strangers. And I get so talked out while traveling!!
I read ‘this time tomorrow’ this week, too! Book twins!! I don’t love time travel either but it worked pretty well in this book and I like how it gave it sliding door vibes (I assume you’ve seen that movie? It’s sooo good!). Did you know Emma Straub lost her dad this fall? She wrote a beautiful essay about it on cup of Jo. But how awful to write this fictional tale about losing your dad – and then losing your dad the year it’s published.
Lisa, I had no idea you can set your conversation preference! Of course, this was my first Uber. I don’t blame you for needing the time to just sit in silence – you are so busy and you work so hard!! All that travelling is exhausting.
I did not know that about Emma Straub! You know what, I did read that Cup of Jo article, but I didn’t connect that it was her. Wow, is that ever sad. I can’t imagine how awful that would be – especially with the book being quite a hit. What a terrible reminder.
That sounds like quite the ordeal. This kind of thing is definitely in Beth’s wheelhouse and not mine.
It was an ordeal!!
Your oil change sounds harrowing and I’m exhausted thinking about it. Mostly the driving on black ice in crazy wind and snow; that would scare the crap out of me.
I make all my maintenance appointments; honestly, my husband would rather buy a new vehicle to take his or mine to the shop! He’s terrible at maintaining stuff and this is something that annoys me.
“I can roar in other ways. Maybe I’ll change a lightbulb.” You are a trip!
Happy RexAversary!
You are woman, hear you roar!!! You’re probably changing light bulbs and everything!
Oh, I would’ve cancelled my oil change appointment because of the weather! I couldn’t even imagine! I try not to go out when it’s raining here. Ha ha! But it also reminds me of when I was newly-graduated and I had to travel to NY for 6months for work — and got caught in a large hail downpour. That was my very first time to see hail like that and it was coming down so hard I couldn’t see a foot in front of me. It felt so unsafe to stop on while on the freeway — but everyone was stopped because visibility was just about zero for a few minutes!
Such a sweet pic of you and Rex!! He’s the black-and-white Clifford The Big Red Dog!
I really like and totally agree with your “A paper cut isn’t a broken leg, but it still hurts, and we can acknowledge that”. It’s not a contest whose pain is worse/bigger; we all feel pain. The time travel book sounds intriguing. I tend towards mystery books but I like the occasional “something different” reading, and this may be my next such book. Thanks for the review.
He IS like a black and white Clifford!
Once we were driving to a wedding, it was two hours on prairie roads and our flight had gotten in late. So, it was dark, and there was a massive prairie storm – hail, lightning, sheets of rain. It was either completely dark or lit up with lightning. It was the most terrifying drive ever – we couldn’t stop, because it was a secondary highway, with no shoulder, and there were semi trucks on it.
I love your ‘voice’, so yes, ROAR! I cannot imagine going out into that mess to get your oil changed, and also, demerit for your husband for not alerting you about the brakes, it would have been helpful for you to know it was going to be a few more hours. He gets stars for plenty of things, I am sure, so not knocking him overall.
When I take the car in for maintenance and they suggest something else, I never know whether the car really needs it or if I am being upsold. Well, my car is a 2005, so it’s pretty likely that it needs whatever they say it needs.
To be fair he probably learned about the brakes on hour five or six, but yes, that would have been good info to have!
Ugh, car stuff gives me so much anxiety! Anytime I have an issue, I just want to immediately bring it to the mechanic to deal with. But I have to deal with all of that stuff on my own, and I do wish I could pass it off to someone else, lol. That would be nice! Whenever they tell me this or that needs to be fixed, I just agree because what else am I going to do? I can barely pop the hood myself!
Your experience with your Uber driver is SUCH a Nicole story, if I’ve ever heard one, hahaha. Like Lisa, I do not want them to talk to me!
Right? As he missed the turn I thought “this could only happen to me.”
I do not like to deal with the car, although I have on occasion. I want to give the dealership the benefit of the doubt and say that they called your husband because his phone number was on file? But yeah, I feel you on feeling slighted just a tad.
I love that picture of you and Rex! 🙂
Yes, they had his number but STILL!