The fashion police are coming.

“Hey Mom!” Jake said, out of nowhere, “I’m sexy and I know it!”

I never quite know how to respond to such inappropriate statements. It’s like when two-year-old Mark told my mother that he had no money, so he couldn’t get no ho’s. Or when Jake informed my mother, in one afternoon, that a) he wasn’t going to be a chump, he was going to get a prenup, and b) “penis” was another word for “dink”. My poor mother. One would think that the solution to this problem would be for me to stop listening to such inappropriate music. Alas.

 


Also, have you actually listened to “I’m Sexy and I Know It”? It is one of the funniest songs I have ever heard. I mean really: “I work out!  I work out!”  I have no idea if this was meant to be ironic or not, but I kind of love it.



Speaking of being sexy and knowing it, I received my O Magazine the other day – do NOT judge me, we all have our vices – and there is a whole section on how to wear the new trends in denim.  Now, I have recently adopted jeggings as part of my wardrobe, which I had previously decried as a plague upon society, so I will tread lightly here.  Still, the first trend described was – wait for it – coloured denim.  Adam Glassman, I am deeply disappointed in you.  COLOURED DENIM.  The question posed was “What do I wear with the new pastel jeans?”  Here’s my answer: not applicable, since seafoam jeans are a travesty.  Some of you might raise your eyebrows in a what does she know, she lives in black and throws in charcoal for colour, but seriously.  It is not a good idea to don lilac and/or seafoam and/or peach pants of any fabric, unless you are in a retirement home and you are coordinating those with floral nylon blouses and plastic jewellery of the same colour family.  I may be biased, but I’m only trying to save others from the fate that I suffered in the early nineties, when I wore purple and/or forest green jeans to the bar, along with a black bodysuit – remember bodysuits? – and my spiral permed hair. 

Adam then goes on to recommend ways to wear coated jeans, which, for those of you not in the know, as I was prior to reading this magazine, coated jeans are a substitute for leather pants. 

Sorry, I needed to take a break for a minute, just from typing the words “leather pants”.  I don’t want to get into any rock star/ I am the Lizard King kind of discussion.  Let’s just agree that putting tight, super-shiny materials on your thighs is not a good idea, not if wearing flattering clothing is of importance.  We should have all learned this lesson in the eighties.  And even if you can pull off wearing leather pants, the question is, should you?  I mean, if you are lucky enough to be in the 1%, it is guaranteed that something else would look much better.  Just say no to leather pants or, apparently, coated jeans. 

This is not the first time I have been disappointed by Adam Glassman, nor, likely, will it be the last.  Remember a few years ago when he announced that the majority of shorts for women were hideous and unflattering and wearing them was akin to fashion suicide?  I privately agreed with this sentiment, but later he bowed under intense pressure from Oprah’s shorts-loving fans and amended his statement.  STICK WITH IT, ADAM, I thought.  I realize this is contrary to my hypocritical adoption of jeggings, but still.  Most shorts for women are hideous and unflattering.  It’s about time we realize this and demand better looking shorts for all women.  Power to the people!

All of which is to say: just say no.  Say no to coloured denim.  Say no to leather or leather-look pants.  And for the love of fashion, just say no to mix-and-match denim.

Comments

  1. I reached my weekly quota for snort-laughs by the time I was halfway through this post. Dink!

    Nice to know that if I ever travel to your town, but my suitcase travels to, oh, Timbuktu, I can totally sneak into your house and raid your wardrobe. Black & charcoal? Perfection!

  2. Oh honey – if anyone could rock ‘coated jeans’ it’s you!

    I sing “I’m Sexy and I Know it” to my kids while rocking them to sleep. That’s why they love me.

  3. If you can remember the LAST time something was fashionable, you can not wear it the second time around. This is my golden rule. And since I wore coloured denim in university, I will happily pass this time around. Ditto for leg warmers, stirrup pants and BLOUSES with bows at the collar.

  4. So what you are saying is I should return the fuschia pleather pants.
    Bummer.
    My 5yo sang (at his Christian Kindergarden no less) “I know you want me.” since I only listen to the all news station, I am tending to blame his father for this one.

  5. Joanne Hutchinson says

    I passed a pair of lilac jeans last week and in a moment of madness thought ‘ooh they’re pretty, maybe I should try them on’. Thank goodness the moment passed!

  6. ACK! Am having flashbacks to HS and the popularity of Esprit jeans in colors like turquoise and pink. It was the 80’s. However, it is no longer the 80s and there is no way in hell I will even consider buying colored jeans (or acid washed jeans or jeans with pre-torn holes or jeans with pleats). No more 80s.

  7. NO colored denim!!!! Or leather pants, those things are terrible.

  8. The first part made me laugh out loud!
    As for coloured jeans, I want a pair, I want several pairs. I don’t like all the colours. I mean who wants to wear Yellow? But I really want a pair of Green jeans (being a HUGE fan of Captain Kangaroo the idea amuses me) and Red, for some reason (even unknown to me) I REALLY want a pair of red jeans.
    Totally agree with the shorts, I never wear them, I always opt for capris. The main reason being that I am so pale I’m almost blue and nobody needs to see that.

  9. Like how in the hell do you even match a shirt with those pants?
    I had to go jean shopping because I’ve dropped so much weight…and can I say that I loathe jean shopping…anyways that’s all I could find. Coloured jeans.
    No I did not buy them because I’m sexy without them and I know it.
    I also don’t work out.

  10. So you’re saying I should keep my mustard-coloured jeans in the drawer then?

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