COME ON DOWN! You’re the next contestant…

It’s the last day of January, which feels very strange given that, with the exception of about ten days wherein I had that feeling of doom that I would never be warm again, it has been mild.  The snow is almost melted in my backyard, which is odd.  Perhaps the apocalypse is upon us?  I can think of no other explanation. 

Other things I cannot think of an explanation for: why I thought it was a good idea to apply nailpolish five minutes before I needed to leave the house, thus ruining the nailpolish application the second I put my coat on; why I have had Pinball Wizard stuck in my head for days only to magically have it disappear and be replaced by Rasputin; why there is an audience for such shows featuring people who live in swamps, or who are crowded in their houses because they cannot stop purchasing on-sale toilet paper, or who dress their young daughters up for beauty pageants; why people take their dog-hating dogs to off-leash parks, and then become defensive when my dog-loving dog goes to greet their dogs – why not just leash your dog and walk it around the block?; and why I am insanely craving popcorn at ten in the morning and I also feel like bursting into uncontrollable tears and/or curling up in bed and wallowing in sadness?

There may be an explanation for the last one.  Rah rah Rasputin.  Lover of the Russian queen.  They put some poison into his wine.

Related: can a tsarina really be referred to as a queen?  I know that it was the Russian royal family, but is a tsarina and a queen the same thing?

Completely unrelated: when I was a kid I loved watching The Price is Right.  If I could time travel, I would totally go back to the early 80s and I would be a contestant on that show.  Ideally, I would be wearing a tube top.  I would get to play Plinko – and I would get all the chips because I would know which cost more, a case of Rice-a-Roni or an electric kettle.  I would spin the wheel – and, even if I didn’t win the $10,000, I would still be the first to choose my showcase showdown which would include: an RV, a dinette set, and a trip to lovely Myrtle Beach.  I would get inappropriately hugged by Bob Barker, and I would scream and wave my arms around a lot in excitement.  Perhaps I would even fall on the floor – I don’t know.  I haven’t gotten that far in my time-travel fantasy.

When I was a kid I used to think it would be so cool to live in the 1800’s; maybe I would work on my embroidery sampler all day, or perhaps write things on my slate with my slate pencil, and I would be excused from excessive physical activity since running or sports would put a serious strain on my corsets.  Now I just think that it seems kind of icky, living with no running water and no toilets – I don’t even like camping, at campgrounds WITH running water and toilets – and also my embroidery ability, like my ability to sew on buttons, is extremely hampered by my inability to put a piece of thread in a needle and not have it completely tangled in seconds.  Also I am unable to sew anything without crying.  So if I were to time travel, it would definitely be to be a contestant on The Price is Right.  Wouldn’t you just love a new dinette set?  Or – OR – a NEW! CAR!

While I’m at it, maybe I would time travel to be one of Barker’s Beauties!  I could walk along the stage in my super high heels with unlikely and impractical “camping wear” (i.e., Daisy Duke shorts and a plaid shirt tied at the waist) with a giant smile, showcasing the grand prize of a recreational vehicle.  Only for a day, though – I would like to blot out the whole Bob Barker creepy grossness. 

If you could time travel, where would you go?


  1. I would use it to skip fucking January every damn year. Although then what would I use as an excuse for my gratuitous profanity?

    I always thought I’d be able to spin the wheel with the exact right amount of force to get a dollar. I rolled my eyes at the pitiful spinning efforts of the losers who were up there.

  2. The problem with time travel is that if I travel forward into the future, everything might be a desolate dystopian wasteland of crap, and if I travel backwards in time there’s a distinctive lack of showers.

    However, if you force me, I would travel back in time into Pride & Prejudice and then I would totally kick Elizabeth Bennett to the curb and marry me Mr. Darcy – COLIN FIRTH Mr Darcy I should point out.

    And then I would get the servants to hook up some sort of shower facility…and perhaps encourage the invention of indoor plumbing because the thought of chamber pots give me hives.

  3. When it comes to facts, I think it’s safe to say that Boney M is an even worse source than Wikipedia. Don’t over think it. Just dance, babe.

    I would only travel to periods of time with solid dental hygiene practices. So it’ll be the future, not the past for me.

    In parting I just want to say, help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered.

  4. If I could time travel I’d go forward. One day, you’re going to be able to take food right out of the television, I have faith, and I want to see that day.

  5. Does this post come along by the fact that a trip to the Calgary Stampede is being offered in The Price is Right? Oh – and I love reading your blog! You are so funny – my own boys are just a smidgen older than yours! I can relate!

  6. I would also like to live in the 1800s, but would like to bring running water with me – and a car. My family lives far away.


  7. I’d travel back to Henry VIII’s time. I bet there was all sorts of interesting stuff going on then.

    I’m also sure it smelled since people just did their business in the streets and rarely bathed..

  8. Yea, I’m fairly certain that the Mayans may have been on to something.
    Or maybe it was…crap…his name escapes me at this moment…that AMerican guy who ran for president who made that movie about global warming…it doesn’t matter.
    What matters is nail polish.
    I’ve yet to figure out a way to not smudge it.
    It’s so time consuming watching it dry.

  9. I love TPIR. A friend of mine has the video game version for the Wii and invited me over to play, and I literally could not stop jumping around with excitement. So embarrassing, but then again, I WON THE SHOWCASE SHOWDOWN, so what do you expect?

    Also embarrassing: in the late 80s or maybe even into the 90s, when they finally started replacing the original original Barker’s Beauties, the first replacement was a gorgeous black lady named Claudia, and she is now Case #1 on Deal or No Deal, so now I watch Deal or No Deal JUST TO SEE CLAUDIA. If I ever got on Deal or No Deal, I would totally pick Case #1 as my case just so I could maybe get a Claudia hug. THAT’S how obsessed I am with The Price is Right.

    In other news, I am also obsessed with why there are so many hoods on kids’ clothing these days. I keep meaning to blog about this serious problem. I cannot find decent children’s clothing that does not have a hood, and I do not like hoods as they do not fit well under winter coats. WHAT UP, KID CLOTHING MAKERS?

    Merci for using your comments section as my own personal blog :).

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