Blue Monday Cures

Today is Blue Monday, the day that is scientifically and mathematically proven to be the most depressing of the year.  So let’s fight the power, shall we? 
If the best way to spread Christmas cheer is by singing (implied: Christmas songs) loud for all to hear, then C(x) = f(singing), then it follows that the best way to spread non-Christmas cheer is by singing (implied: non-Christmas songs) loud for all to hear, i.e., NC(x) = f(singing N).  So here is your challenge, if you choose to accept it and you are feeling the effects of Blue Monday: sing Tonight’s the Night as loudly, earnestly, and passionately as possible.  You’ll feel better immediately.
 Whenever I think of Tonight’s the Night I always visualize the vinyl record playing, a guy clad only in his leopard print briefs, swaying his hips sensually to the music, blow drying his feathery hair with a large roller brush, singing passionately.  Tonight’s the night, gonna be all right, cause I’m in love with you and ain’t nobody gonna STOP US NOW.  Sometimes I imagine a poster of a red bathing suit clad Farrah Fawcett in the background, or maybe a KISS poster. 
I always wonder if Rod Stewart sings his songs to his various girlfriends/wives.  I wonder if he sang it to this woman just before he impregnated her:
Photo from The Daily Mail

That article shows why it would be difficult to be a celebrity, or married to a celebrity (since I’m not actually sure if she is a celebrity or not).  She looks gorgeous, right?  Yet the comment from The Daily Mail is

Although it was the perfect dress to give her bump plenty of room, it was less than supportive around her bosom which has massively increased as the pregnancy has developed.
Well, thank you Daily Mail.  Bosom?  This is not the 1800’s, we don’t generally refer to it as “bosom” anymore.  Also, clearly the author has never been pregnant, because if there is one thing pregnant women agree on unequivocally, it is the gigantic increase in their bra sizes.  We are all shocked and often dismayed at the enormous breasts we grow, and the bra sizes that we thought were mythical are ours.  Even my one girlfriend who was amazed that she was finally in a B cup, even she was astonished at the massive increase in her bosom.
Honestly, I give this woman kudos for being a gorgeous, ripely pregnant woman being out and about and not wearing a muumuu, house slippers and a pained expression, the garb of any woman in their ninth month of pregnancy.  The article goes on to say 
She didn’t appear to be feeling the cool weather either…(she) went bare-legged and wore flip-flops.
Again, really?  Pregnancy was the one and only time in my life that I wasn’t perpetually cold, and remember how difficult it was to put on shoes?  So yes, Daily Mail, I suppose she probably wasn’t feeling the cool weather as being pregnant is akin to having your own internal furnace turned to “the fires of hell”.  But maybe that’s just me.
On reading this “article”, such as it is, two other things strike me: a) Rod Stewart is 66, and b) he has seven other children, including a five year old.  That’s spreading the musical genes around, no?  I think it would be strange to have such a spread in age between children, but then again I suppose that he is not likely the one who is doing the night feeding and diaper changing.  But maybe he is, I shouldn’t judge.
I shouldn’t judge because I do like his music, sadly.  I especially love to sing If You Want My Body in a Scottish accent, a la Mike Myers in So I Married An Axe Murderer.  I was doing that in my car recently when my friend, of jewelry and belt buckle making fame, walked by.  That was humbling, although she was very non-judgemental about the whole situation.  But I say to you, if you are blue today, on this bluest of Mondays, try it.  Watch this video, sing along, and see if you don’t feel immediately well and happy.        


  1. Lol! Perfect for a day like today! You made me smile and I was feeling a little blue but now I am a whole lot better!

  2. I liked reading this!

    Rod Stewart definately likes to spread his seed around.

  3. This explains a lot! I’m been struggling a lot more than usual lately and today especially! I feel relief…and I’m totally going to download that song right now! 😉

  4. That song always makes me think of a gray-haired cafeteria employee at my college. She would sing it while slopping food on the trays of the guys in line. “If you want my body [SLOP] and you think I’m sexy [SLOP] come on baby let me know….”

  5. My son was born at the end of November, and I wore my flipflops straight on through to the bitter end. The Daily Mail knows not of what they speak.

  6. Ou crack me up. I cleaned my house all day whilst dreaming of the sun 😉

  7. The Daily Mail can suck it. Yesterday I saw a ‘disastrous beach bodies’ spread in a supermarket tabloid. If those bodies were disastrous, me on a beach could result in FEMA being summoned. I didn’t know about the Blue Monday thing. Everyone should just stay home and watch Mike & Molly episodes. And you go ahead with the Rod Stewart music — I agree, he has an inexplicable appeal.

  8. Mrs.Mayhem says

    Oh, I wouldn’t make the mistake of counting The Daily Mail as a reliable source. Lord knows I love ’em, but we need to take it ALL with a grain of salt. They sure are entertaining, though… and easy to make fun of!

  9. Blue Monday, huh…so that’s what my problem was yesterday. What’s my excuse for the rest of January?
    And really, should Rod still be making babies? Because at some point, he’ll get old and brittle and potentially break a hip trying to pick them up…ok, after making that comment, I’m not blue anymore.

Leave a Reply