A Darker Shade of Pale

Aloha!  It feels like I haven’t written forever, but that’s because I was on vacation in Maui!  We flew in on the red eye last night, and so I’m feeling a little red-eyed.  Pardon the incoherence.  Despite sleeping only about five hours last night, the boys are shockingly energetic and pleasant, which indicates that a ball must be about to drop.  I am also about to drop but wanted to give an update on my lovely, lovely vacation.  As my friend Marilyn mentioned recently, it’s easy to get verklempt about the passage of time and formerly chubby cheeks and adorable mispronunciations, but when it comes to travel, older kids are the bomb.  There was a family – and I mean, parents, plus grandparents, plus two uncles – with one small child at the condominium pool, and all the adults were chasing and doting on and pacifying said small child.  Someone was always following closely, making sure she didn’t tumble into the pool, or slip on the cement, or drown in the hot tub, or eat a plant.  It reminded me of how busy that age was and how un-relaxing a vacation could be.  It also reminded me that I don’t remember anything that happened from 2005-2007, since that little girl was 17 months, and Jake was born when Mark was 17 1/2 months.  I was chatting with the mother and mentioned this, and she said emphatically “Well, she sure has put our plans to have other children on hold indefinitely!”, which seemed somewhat extreme.  In any case, between that family and another mother with three small children – who said to me “I’m still cooking dinner, doing dishes, and folding laundry.  How is this a vacation?” – I was feeling pretty excellent about my children who could be in the pool with only marginal supervision and who weren’t about to eat sand. 

Look at them hanging out at the hot tub like little old men.

It was a fabulous vacation, complete with marginally supervising the children:

Where are the children?  I don’t actually know.  A lot of time was spent at the beach

where I got to ogle all the sexy men:

Is it horrible to post a picture of this guy?  Because he reminded me of Saturday Night Fever.  You can’t tell in this picture but he had a ginormous gold chain on, plus hair like a silver John Travolta, plus – PLUS – his swimsuit was fluorescent animal patterned on the front only.  But you know what?  I give him points for confidence.  Rock it!

We watched the sunset, and also were entertained by the kite flying and pick up volleyball games:

It wasn’t all warmth and sunshine though.  My husband wanted to drive to the top of Halekala volcano, where it was over 10,000 feet of elevation, 36 degrees Fahrenheit, wet, and windy:

I also re-discovered a universal truth: one cannot eat and or drink whatever one wants whenever one wants without consequences.  Related: drinking three beers while barbequing every night, plus wine, plus umbrella drinks, may be excessive.

That photo was for my girlfriend – she knows who she is – who wasn’t there to help me drink those giant bottles.  I had to do it myself.

Finally, we had fun exploring new places and spending massive amounts of time together with a minimum of discord.

Shorts without pockets?  Is this an inside joke?  Or does it just mean no shorts without pockets?  I DON’T GET IT.  Also, since this refers to guys only, does that mean the ladies can party in bikinis after 9 pm?  I’m guessing yes. 


  1. Look at you!

    You’re pretty.

  2. I think that sign was meant to say, “No skinny dipping, y’all.” Hard to say, but that’s what I think. Also, they don’t want guys swimming in their street clothes, which is what the shorts without pockets is about, I think?

  3. I missed you so much! And yes, the older kids on vacation thing is real. We’re going on vacation this summer and we are already making sure we have lots of contingency plans for when G loses his ever-loving shit (because oh, he’ll be 19 months to the day when we depart. WE ARE NUTS.)

    That swimsuit guy is kind of awesome. His confidence is rather wonderful to behold.

  4. The shorts without pockets thing- any bottoms anyone is going to swim or dive in will not have pockets (swim trunks, board shorts, skin suits, etc). People were annoyed they couldn’t roll off the beach and into a restaurant or shop, so when “No Swimsuit” signs started going up, they started getting very specific- “This is a DIVE SUIT, not a SWIM SUIT/These are BOARD SHORTS…” Legitimate street clothes for men will have pockets, and the sign covers their bases (at least for now).

    • Aha! This makes sense. But it’s still so gender specific. Unless “guys” is the androgynous “guys” and not meant to be “males”, which I have never thought of before…

  5. Shorts without pockets = spandex? I don’t know. Reminds me of a man I saw at Disneyland walking around in a button up shirt and bright red spandex running pants. It was quite a sight.

    I am a little jealous about that volcano drive. I still haven’t been to Hawaii which seems a terrible travesty, but I would love to go to the Big Island and see actual lava actually flowing from an actual volcano. It’s on my bucket list fo’ sho.

    • We took our honeymoon on the Big Island and I have a picture of me and some lava. I look terrified. It’s quite funny. Also, I wish I could have seen that guy with the red spandex pants. He sounds fabulous.

  6. We went to Ohau and Kauai for our honeymoon. We are still paying off that debt.
    We secretly have our phones set to Hawaii’s weather. It’s always gorgeous. Bass turds.

  7. You never cease to make me laugh. I loved your commentary of the animal print bathing suit man.

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